Over planning
My husband is very futuristic and loves to plan for the future. He's already made plans for our lives 5 years from now. I love this quality about him because it helps to keep us focussed on our goals but lately it's been overbearing. We're currently living on an island in the Caribbean but I'm very much a homebody and I miss Canada. The move and subsequent life here has been a source of a lot of my stress and anxiety. We're studying on this island for another 9 months and he's been planning the move off of this island since before we even got here. Every single day he brings up the topic of planning the move off the island and it causes me so much anxiety to the point where I've completely shut down. I can't focus on school, I can't focus on planning, I can barely even take care of myself. I've become so depressed and have expressed this to him. I've told him multiple times that I can't have this conversation anymore but it ultimately leads to a fight. He hates that he can't have these conversations with me and I hate that we can't talk about anything else. He knows how much of a bad place I am in mentally and every time (weekly) we have the serious talk about my mental wellbeing, he promises to do better and eases off the future talk for a few days but seems to forget and goes right back to it a few days later. He brings up the importance of planning this so we can go on to live the lives we've always wanted and that I need to do things now to prepare for our future which makes me feel guilty and further shuts me down. He has a sense of urgency and is frustrated by my lack thereof. I don't know what to do.
@LilLisa1
I am a planner, but even I can't - or don't want to - plan too far in advance. It sounds like a lot of the anxiety you're feeling is coming from the fact that you don't get to enjoy the "now" time. Your husband is always several years ahead, and even though you know you've got to make some plans for "then," you'd like to just take some time and be in the "now."
When your husband plans, does he include you in them? What I mean is, does he ask your thoughts/ideas/opinions, or is he the one doing all the planning?
@thoughtfulmomma Exactly! I tell him all the time I want to enjoy the now. I can't just live for the future. He does include me and does a very good job at that. That's part of his frustration as well because he plans according to what I tell him I would like but I've been so overwhelmed that I can't participate. Also, because I'm so overwhelmed and it's been daily discussions, I forget most of what we talk about. It's gotten to the point where I can't even listen to what he's saying anymore and I just nod and say "sure sounds good" only to later find out that I've apparently agreed to something I don't want to do.
After posting this thread, I sat down and really thought about what I needed to do to stop this from happening and I think I've come up with something. I've made some rules for discussing plans for our future.
1. Only discuss future planning once a week
2. Rule 1 can be broken if new information comes to light that is time sensitive
3. We need to be off our phones and not otherwise distracted when we plan
4. We need to keep track of our plans in written form. If it's not written down, it's not our current plan.
5. After planning, we spend quality time together to remember that we love each other.
I haven't run these by him yet but if we can stick to these rules, I think it can help us a lot.
@LilLisa1
Your list is great - maybe add #6 - once per week the two of you do something spontaneous - which I know sounds stupid, because you're planning on being spontaneous. Maybe it's more like "on Friday night we are going out to eat and then we will do X." You don't plan where you eat - just drive and go. And after, you do something - see a movie, go for a walk, see a show, a band, go home and play board games. Just have a few hours per week to just be a couple, be in the moment, and enjoy your time right now.