Scared feelings
i'm just so scared and afraid of the future.
i feel like i'll end up homeless one day with a failed life and fully depressed. i'm not social, i can't find what i wanna do in life, i feel alone, only have my parents, i have a fear of work, and i'm 👌🏼 this close to having agoraphobia.
@nwaveo I'm sorry that you have been struggling with this fear. I can tell that you are overwhelmed because I can feel my own anxiety rising as I read your post. I know that the uncertainty of the future can be daunting. It's difficult to feel prepared when we don't know what is coming around the corner for us. As silly as it sounds, we need to take it one day at a time with smaller goals in mind. Instead of thinking about finding your passion, moving out one day, building your social network, having agoraphobia, think of small daily goals you can set for today/tomorrow. You don't need to go out and find a new best friend but the next time you go out you can make a goal to talk to someone. It can be small talk at the grocery store or you can introduce yourself to someone at an event. Instead of worrying about what you will do for work in the future, think about how you can budget your money now or think about what part time job you can obtain now until you find your career. Instead of worrying about being homeless, have a conversation with your parents so they are aware of your fears and you have a better understanding of thier expectactions of you. They might ease your fears by saying they won't ever force you to leave until you're ready, they might say that they will work with you to ensure that doesn't happen. I'm sure opening the dialouge will help you with this fear. And finally instead of worrying about being close to agoraphobic, make plans in your daily routine to ensure you leave the house as often as you can. Go to the grocery store weekly, take a daily walk around the block, make time to go to the movies, etc. The more you feel comfortable with these smaller goals, the more those goals can be expanded, the less these worries will control your life. The important thing (and possibly the hardest thing) is to let go of the big picture to focus on the little steps. Stop comparing yourself to your ideal self. Instead compare yourself to the person you were yesterday that didn't take those steps. Visualize who you can be tomorrow with one thing added. This will make it all more manageable.
@SecretlyMe Thank you. i hope i didnt trigger you with too much anxiety with this post. your answer actually lifted alot of weight off my shoulder/heart. what you said reassured me, funny thing is, i actually kind of started to do one of these thing some times ago before even writing on here. i got a 3 months jobs at some pizzeria place, i'm still working there, i was anxious, about the interview and about not knowing the basics for the job. and to be honest i'm still not perfecting everything. today, for example, was the crappiest day ever since i've started working there, the other days were okay but i think because i freaked out so much yesterday, that today was just rough. i got a 3 months job because, as i was not used to working, and to people in general beside my family, i tho i'd start small. things is, i'm 23, and the thing that scares me is that if i end up budgeting my money and finding small jobs here and there, won't i grow older without financial stability? i don't know if you would consider 23 to be old for someone who's yet to mature enough to manage a good job but i'm trying. and the more i grow older, the older my parents gets? what happens when they pass away? what if i can't handle my own? i do have sisters, but 2 of them have families, and the last one is struggling like me but older. thank you for the link you sent me, i'll be trying it out.
@nwaveo I'm glad to hear that my last message helped. Sometimes we need someone else to tell us what we already know (that everything is going to be ok and that things will get better) for the words to really sink in. I'm proud of you for taking some major steps towards combating the social anxiety. I know how hard that must have been to deal with an interview and to go through the training of the new job. But you did it and you survived and hopefully the expereince has helped you realize how much you are capable of doing on your own.
I'm sorry to hear that today was the worst day on the job so far. Tomorrow is a new day and it will get better. Just try to leave the crappiness of today behind you.
I think it was really smart of you to start with a 3 month job. Sounds like you know what's best for you right now with your anxiety and you shouldn't doubt that now. That self doubt is coming from focusing on the big picture again. You're comparing yourself to the ideal financially stable 23 year old. But here's a secret: the ideal person you are envisioning doesn't really exist. I turned 24 a few months back and I am not that close to a steady paycheck either. I talk to my friends and they aren't in a better situation. It doesn't matter if we went to school or we started working right after highschool. Not enough time has passed between then and now to be a financially stable adult. It's not just you.
So don't think that you're really behind everyone else. We're all struggling right now so we might as well take this time to explore our options while we still have the opportunity. You have time before you need to worry about your parents. You have plenty of time to figure out where your passion lies.Just get through this 3 month job and then you can try something new afterwards. Maybe you'll like the next one more and it will turn into a career. Maybe you won't like it as much but you'll have a better idea of which types of jobs you want to avoid in the future. Either way, you learn something new about yourself and you'll grow from the experience.Just take it one step at a time and before you know it, you'll be so much further along before you realize it.
I know this won't be enough to ease all your fears but I hope its a start. If you want to keep talking about your job or your parents or anything else, I'll be here.
@SecretlyMe Thank you, if you don't mind i would like to. i hope i don't bother you. Maybe you'll get a clearer image if i give you more details. like i said, i have no idea what i wanna do in life and it frigten me, i had some ideas some times ago, alot of different ones but very all over the place. it went from psychology studies, graphic design, filmmaking, community manager, and the navy. no idea looks like one another. so i narrowed down the list a bit. filmmaking was a dream but so expensive. and what i fear about the navy is that once you get accepted, you can't stop unless you "desert", and i keep wondering, what if i can't manage or handle it and i want to leave but i can't?
as for psychology, i was interested by it for a long time but never took the step we could say, and i convinced myself for a short time that i wanted to become a psychologist to help people but now i'm not sure i'm made for it either? how can i become a psychologist when i'm anxious about so much right now? also the fact that it's 5 years, and that after your 3rd year you're not even sure you can get into the master and finish the last 2 years because you could simply not be selected, and i've never been the brightest in school tho i managed to get the minimum grades required to pass into the next classes. what if i start psychology and realise i don't want to do that, again? i say again because i tried english at uni before and it wasn't for me, then i started a two year course and (part 1)
@SecretlyMe got a diploma. it was a PA course. i'm not a big fan of it but at least i got a diploma right? tho it's not what i wanna do in life. i'm scared of the responsability, the tasks, the stress. i don't know. and thing is. if i do psycology, i'll be 29 when it ends, IF i get the master, and my parents are 64, and will be 69. i don't know if you consider that old? but my mom has some health issues, like hypertension and had a few strokes in the past (cerebrovascular accident) she's fine rn but i'm scared. it's triggering as i write it but it'll pass. of them passing away, and them passing away before i can handle my own. sometimes i wish i died before them. i sometimes think maybe i should just get a job with my diploma and be done with it, my sister works in that kind of field, so i could ask for help in tasks, or maybe i should find work in fields that i like, like working in a cinema even if it's a cashier, or somethings. or in a video games shop. because i love videos games and considered doing a animation 3D courses but it's too expensive also. i also don't have my driving license, that must sounds lame, but i never felt prepared to drive? again, alot of responsability. i also don't know if i should do online psychology studies or go to uni physically. i feel like online would mean i can find a job in the meanwhile, but i also fear jobs so. sigh. anyway, thank you for listening and for your advices. they ease my stress and i'll be taking mental notes of them.
@nwaveo i also forgot to say but, in my country you can sometimes applies to 2nd or 3rd of university if you got a diploma. so i'm gonna try applying for 3rd or 2nd year woth my diploma even tho it's not related to psychology, because it would ease my stress knowing i could have the diploma before my 29th year. but the deadline is on monday to apply, and i just saw that recently even tho i've been checking alot, so this is what triggered my anxiety the other day, knowing i have the whole covering letter to write before monday and i barely gets any time with the job and family coming over. and having to do that when i'm not even sure i want to go the psychology studies way.
@nwaveo Of course you aren't bothering me. I wouldn't offer to listen and I wouldn't keep responding if I didn't care. I relate to your posts because your situation overlaps with my own in many ways. A lot of the advice I am giving you is just me repeating what my counselor has told me. I am new to these strategies and I admit that I backslide still. I still get overwhelmed when I think of the big picture and I need to remind myself to step back from that. Talking to you has given me a chance to work on both of our problems and I thank you for helping me with that. And thank you for giving me more information. This has been really helpful for me to better understand your anxieties and worries. Let's tackle them one at a time.
Let's start with your career since we've already had a chance to start talking about that before. It might sound like a bad thing to have so many different possible routes but I would argue that you have many "back up" plans. It sounds like for many of the possible careers that you listed, you could be happy doing ANY of them. I think that makes you luckier than most. I also struggled to figure out what I wanted to do but for the opposite reason. NOTHING sounded like something I would be interested in. Luckily I found one thing late in my undergrad studies. But it was through the strategy I suggested earlier, trying something out and moving on to the next.
The last few months have been stressful for me because I thought I was going to have to give up on this one thing I could see myself doing for the rest of my life. Unlike you, I don't have other interests or a back up plan. Luckily it worked out and I realize that many roads aren't as straight foward as we first imagine them. And I mean that in a good way. I am working towards a degree in psychology and I was also afraid about what would happen if I didn't meet the requirements in time, what if they didn't think I was good enough for a master's along the way? I went for it anyway and I hit some trouble right away. I had a death in the family and the pain that came with it made it harder to get my work done. My grades were slipping, my professors were trying to reach out to me and I wasn't responding. It wasn't until the end of my first quarter that I started to "snap out of it". I realized that if my grades came back under a certain average, I would lose my financial aid package that was allowing me to attend the program. I started reaching out to the people in my department: professors, administrators, counselors, everyone. And the response I got was... surprisingly comforting. They were all supportive of my plan to keep attending the program and they were all empathetic of my situaiton and how I was feeling lately. Not only was I not penalized for my grades, but I worked with the people in my program to tailor my requirements to match how much I could handle in the moment. I wasn't kicked out as easily as I thought I would be. They worked with me to keep me going.
I know this is only one example, but I think this would be true of a lot of fields. I think our generation has been told to expect the worst case scenario. That's why you fear joining the navy incase you don't like it, that's why you are afraid of expensive career paths when you don't feel financially stable, that's why we both were afraid about studying psychology incase we didn't have what it takes. But maybe starting something new isn't that black and white. We shouldn't be so quick to assume that these roadblocks will prevent us from accomplishing something. There are resources available for any path you take. We just don't know about those resources until we need them and start looking for them. Like I didn't know my college would be so understanding until I opened up and told them I was struggling. Learning a new skill requires you to work with people whether that be in a university, a trade school or just by working in the industry. You should give them the benefit of the doubt that they'll help if you asked and you should give yourself the benefit of the doubt that it is something you are capable of accomplishing.
I can't say much about pursuing a career in filmmaking, graphic design or the navy but I can discuss my experience with psychology all day long. Another secret: no one in the psychology program have their things in order. We don't go into the field because we think we're perfect and we want to share our infinite wisdom with imperfect people. In reality we're just as messed up as the people we are trying to help. I'm not in a counseling psychology program which sounds like what you are interested in, but rather I am in an expereimental research program. But I can tell you that the people in my program are the most open about their mental health issues than any other group of people I've met in person. It's like talking to a group of 7 cups members; everyone is so open and in return others are so understanding. So don't feel like you need to figure out your anxiety before you can enroll. I can guarentee that facing a problem of your own will not hold you back. In fact this expereince might make you even more qualified to help someone else because you will understand them better than any psychologist who never had to face this before.
Other little things I've learned since joining the program: almost no one is denied after their third year. I spoke to many, many, many graduate students when I was touring colleges and no one was able to say that they knew someone who made it to their third year and then was kicked out. It just doesn't happen. There are too many steps that happen before that point that if the department was worried about you, you would know waaaayyyyyy before they actually took any action to kick you out. Even if they do reach out to you, it is never without support. ie if your grades are slipping, they ask that you visit the on campus tutors. If you aren't working enough hours in the lab, they ask that you meet with your advisor and work out the best schedule, etc. You don't have to worry about suddenly and unexpectedly being kicked out. It doesn't happen that way nor does getting kicked out happen often. Other thing I learned: grades are very different in graduate school than what we are used to. My classes are set up differently and no professor wants to fail you. Courses are much more lenient and professors will reach out to you if you aren't getting an A. Because that's what they usually give everyone who attends the class, reads the material, and does what is required of them in the class. We don't really have tests anymore so the grades aren't as objective as they once were. Last tip: I am 24 years old and I am one of the youngest people in my program. There is no reason that you should worry about being too old to pursue something new now. I was also worried about being in school until I was near 30 but I am studying next to people that started at 30! I have one person that joined the same time as me who is someone's grandmother. Really put into perspective that I am ahead of the game rather than behind like I feared.
I don't want it to seem like I am pushing you towards psychology. This is completely your decision. I'm just focused on psych because it is what I am familiar with. If given time to research your other interests, I could probably give you resources and tips on why you could go after any one of those career paths instead. My point is just that this doesn't have to be as scary as you think it is. These types of careers that you are interested in have a way to support people that want to pursue a future with them.
That's great that you have a diploma already. Even if you don't want to find a job related to that degree, at least the diploma is a reminder that you are a good student. You endured undergraduate studies for years and you were good enough to get the degree at the end. That means you have the necessary skills if you do decide to return for a different degree. There's less reason for you to doubt yourself. You are more than capable to go after any of the careers you have found an interest in.
If your biggest worry is simply picking the right one, I suggest the advice I offered before. Instead of picking a random retail job after you're done at the pizzeria, see if you can find a job related to one of the industries you mentioned before: receptionist for a counselor, intern for a graphic designer or on a film set, talk to someone at the navy recruitment office (even if you don't sign up there's no pressure to talk to someone and get information). The more you talk to people in these different areas, the more comfortable you'll feel pursuring it. And the more expereince you have, the more you'll get a taste for the responsibilities tied to it. You might be surprised how much responsibility you can actually handle on your own. And if you can't handle a particular responsibility, at least you know for sure early on and you can move on to the next.
I'm sorry that you have been so worried about your parents. I have had a lot of worries about my parents since we had that death in the family. I try to keep the thoughts away but they still come back from time to time. My mom also has more health related issues. She has never had a stoke but she needs to take more medications daily than my elderly grandfather. So I can understand why you would worry about thier health. I don't think anyone is ever ready to lose their parents. It doesn't matter if you are financially stable, if you are living alone, if you have your own family by then. Nothing can prepare you for that day. I realize this isn't a comforting thought but I think that once we realize that we won't be ready regardless, we can spend less time trying to get ready and we can simply enjoy the time we still have. Don't worry about having your own place and a steady paycheck. If god forbid something happened to them as soon as you felt "ready" you wouldn't be counting your blessings for your bank account or your house. You would think of all the missed opportunities to spend time with them. You would think about all the good moments you didn't enjoy because you were worried about the future instead of enjoying the present. When the day comes, you'll have your siblings and potentially other family to help you with the smaller details. You won't ever be completely alone. You'll have someone to turn to when things get difficult no matter how old you are.
So you gave me a lot in your last reply and I tried my best to respond to all of it. Please let me know if I missed anything! And please let me know if you want to keep discussing something I already said. I realize this message is long and that there were times where I was rambling. I'm sorry for the information overload. But we have plenty of time to unpack everything I just threw at you and plenty of time to go back and walk through your biggest worries. There's no rush to get this all sorted in just a few messages. Take care friend! Talk to you soon.
@SecretlyMe Thank you, i'm feeling good today weirdly with this whole virus thing going on. i'm rejecting thinking about uni and future in any way because we're in confinement anyway so why worry about that. i did still apply to psychology because the deadline was today like i told you but i wasn't stressed about it for some reason. it'll most likely come back but im enjoying the stress free moments while i can. don't worry, i like talking about psychology with you because it gives me another perspective, so feel free to rant about it all you want! what do you do exactly? are you doing research as parts of your studies? or are you working in psychology? you're right about my parents, sadly i can never be prepared, i guess my fear of that is part of the whole "me not being mature enough yet" thing. i'm taking tour advice to enjoy the days as they come, so far so good. i got two new ideas of future studies by the way. somehow working in a library seems fun and chill to me? and animal keeper in zoo or in kennels? i love animals. guess i have to do some research on that. maybe i can find a way to get all those studies (graphic design, cinema, psycho, animals? library)? lol just kidding. how are you feeling with the virus? are you well? stressed? of course, talk to you soon, let's say in contact.
@SecretlyMe i'm also glad i somehow helped you a bit as you said with my fears. know that your input on psychology and navy and parents helped me too. and maybe you're right that it is not always black or white, i still fear however that i'm not "made" for a 5 years study because i'm not the most academic person really. my grades were always barely over the limit to pass. i know i have a diploma and i got good decent grades on it but because they really weren't hard topics. psychology is a whole new complex thing to me and i'd have to re-start it all, and even if you say none gets rejected after 3rd year, what if it's different in my country? in this uni? they seem to point out alot that getting into the master is a matter of really good grades and interships. did you do interships btw?
@SecretlyMe also, about age, i know you're right but somehow society's norms stress me into thinking it's too old etc. i hate that.
@nwaveo I'm glad to hear that you're feeling better. Funny how our anxiety doesn't always behave how we would expect it to. Who would have though the virus scare would ease some of the pressures of making a decision? Its great that you feel more at ease and you have more time to think through your options without any pressure to act quickly. And congratulations on applying for the psychology program!
I wish you all the best with your application. And hopefully they can get back to you soon with their decision. Until then, I'm proud of you for remaining calm and simply enjoying the moment. I think you are handling this better than I did when I first applied. I was a worried mess between submitting the application and hearing back from them lol. I've always admired people that can submit something like an application and simply stop thinking about it after it's out of their control.
You had asked about what I did and about my program. Like I mentioned before I am not a part of a clinical psychology program. I am working towards a Ph.D. rather than a Psy.D. My intention is to pretty much stay in academia forever. My goal is to one day be a professor on an R1 campus (meaning research is a high priority). For now, my program allows me to work directly under a faculty member whose research interests line up with my own. So I still have classes to attend but I am also expected to spend time in the lab to help out with my advisor's research for hands on experience. So we have a lot of projects that are in motion at the moment because there are quite a few grad students in the lab right now. Mostly our studies are looking to understand how children's early beliefs develop over time. We also have another group of studies that are aimed at understanding how media exposure effects early cognition development and learning.
Now to step back from the psychology talk, I think these new interests you mentioned are very interesting. As someone who has struggled with anxiety, I can see the appeal in working what I would assume to be a calm environment in the library. Sounds like another great route for you to take for a happy career. It's amazing how suited all these professions seems to be for you. And Zoo keeper? That sounds exciting! I love animals too but I don't know if I could work with big animals at the zoo. I impressed with you for thinking of it and considering it. I think you're right that more research needs to be done for both of these because I wouldn't know the first step into getting into one of these professions. Whatever the process, I'm sure its doable for you and you could be happy doing either one. There's no pressure but once you do look into it, let me know. I'm not considering a career change yet but I would like to hear about the process just to satisfy my own curiosity.
I'm glad to hear that my advice about remaining in the moment has helped ease at least a little of the fears you have been having about your parents. I feel a bit like a hypocrite because I am struggling to take my own advice lately. I have been a little more worried about my parents and my grandfather with all the news of the virus scare here. But I'm trying to fight the worry. It helps to limit my news intake so I can remain informed on how things are changing but I don't allow myself to get overwhelmed with the negativity.Ultimately I just keep reminding myself that this will pass and I will get back to how I was before. We're all fine here and we'll be fine as long as we remain careful and diligent of what we come into contact with. I know you said you felt ok with the virus scare because it was taking the pressure off of making a decision. Has it added any stress to your life? How are you doing with it?
I want to go back and address your last message because that was the one that was holding all your worries. It was nice reading how well you were in the previous messages but this is the most important one to talk through:p
Because psychology was the first thing that I found that I truly enjoyed and I didn't see myself doing anything else, I applied for a Ph.D program. If you aren't sure if you are ready to commit to a 5 year program, could you apply to a 2 year master's program? It would give you a chance to test the waters so to speak. But maybe it depends on where you see yourself going. Was I correct in assuming you are interested in applied clinical psychology? If not, can you see yourself working with a master degree? I could be wrong but I believe you can work as a counselor without a 5 year degree. If you don't want to be in school that long, you can join a shorter program and still end up working in a field that you are interested in.
You know yourself best and you know how you are in an academic setting. Maybe you're right that you aren't an academic person. That's not something I can really debate with you since I didn't attend classes with you. But I once again want to remind you that you did this before. You recieved a degree after years of studying. Grade point average isn't as important as passing the finish line and you have what it takes to pass the finish line. Another point I want to stress: you earned a degree in a subject you weren't passionate about. It's so much harder to endure years of studying when you aren't invested in the subject matter. Can you imagine how much better it would be if you were learning about something you wanted to learn? Things can be different this time around. And psychology might be complex but you aren't starting with the most difficult courses. You start with a general introductory course to learn the basics and everything is built from there. Like everything else in life, you'll be taking it one step at a time. No one expects you to hit the ground running in something you haven't studied before.
I can't argue as to how the psychology program is where you are. I don't know where you are and I don't know if the programs differ that much from region to region. I will say that I was still under the belief that I might be kicked out half way through when I first applied to my program. I didn't know how the program really was that early in the process. For some reason, that reassuring message isn't on the campus website. Maybe it's to scare off some potential applicants so the admission process is easier for them. (If that's true, don't fall for that trickery!) I didn't know the truth until I started talking to real graduate students. I was touring campuses and attending recruitment weekends and I was exposed to a lot of students that were already in the program. They were all super nice and were open to answer pretty much any question you threw at them. They were honest about which faculty members were the best to work with and which you should avoid. They were honest about which requirements might be more demanding than the website indicated and which ones shouldn't be stressed over. It all goes back to gaining exposure and experience to feel more confident in whatever you choose to do. I can't say how things work where you live but if you get a chance to interact with students in the program ask them these types of questions so you know before you start.
Internships are a great opportunity to gain the type of experience I was talking about. I don't know if you are worried about how to find one/get one. But if you are, don't. Your department will most likely have resources for their student to use to find an internship. And if not the department then the school itself will. The career center is made for exactly this. I know my career center does everything from mock interviews, job searches, resume editing, etc. You just need to walk in and they'll take it from there. I don't really do an internship with my program because my program is like an internship. I am already devoting so much time to hands on expereince in my lab. Between the hours I use for courses and the hours I use for lab work, the school doesn't want us stretching ourselves out too thinly. We're doing enough with these two.
I think societal norms will always be in the back of our minds. It's difficult to guage how our timeline is doing in comparison to others because everyone is different. If I am focusing on family life, I might feel behind because old HS peers that I went to school with might already be married or have a kid or two by now. If I look at careers, I'm sure that there are people my age that have already found their forever job and they have been working there for years. But those people (that are our age) that have families or that are working in their careers haven't accomplished what I have. I'm not behind, and I'm not necessarily ahead. I'm right where I should be for the path I chose to take. It's the same for you. We chose what aspects of our lives we wanted to prioritize and where we are reflects those choices. That doesn't mean we're behind because someone else our age chose to prioritze something else. I know it's hard to let go of those comparisons but it helps to remember what you have that someone else might not have.
I didn't choose those examples at random. Last month I was struggling with these comparisons because I met up with some old high school friends. We were catching up because everyone was back home and the timing was perfect. One of my friends announced that she got married and she is looking for a new home with her spouse. The other was talking about the benefits she has at work now that she secured a job as an engineer. And I was sitting there feeling bad for being a single person in their mid twenties and still in school. I didn't have a spouse. I wasn't looking for a new home to start a famiy and I wasn't the sucessful career person who has a 401K with full benefits. But I have to remember that I didn't want to stop going to school. I want to stay in academia forever even after I graduate and a partner will show up when I'm ready. That's not something I can, nor should, rush. I just have a different timeline that they did and that's ok.
I also said that I am one of the youngest people in my program but I am not the youngest. Again, that doesn't mean I am behind, it just reflects my choice to take a year off to prioritize my mental health when I was in a bad place and easily overwhelmed. I made the right choice for me and it doesn't matter how that compares to other people around me. If you want to talk about your timeline, we can. I'm sure we can justify how your choices were the best ones for you in the moment. It will help you see that you are right were you should be in life. I have no doubt about that. There's no pressure to share. I'm sure you can do this on your own too. I know that I tended to beat myself up for being "behind" because I took care of myself or because I chose to focus on a differnt area of my life than someone else. We can't accomplish EVERYTHING and we need to remind ourselves to acknowlege what we did do instead of focus on what we didn't do.
@SecretlyMe Hello again, forget what i said about feeling good. sadly i'm anxious because i most likely lost the 3 month retail job i told you about because of the virus. which is fine i dont care about the job, but i have to handle the "adult" stuff of making sure i get paid for the weeks i've done and maybe contacting the unemployment center someone? and those adult responsabilities freaks me out i don't want to do them. i'm not stressed about the job or staying home, i have my parents, i'm only anxious about calling etc to getthe rest of my pay. about psychology i did send the applications and i was feeling okay when i did them so thanks god i didnt have to force myself, however i'm still not sure that's what i want so i sent them just "in case" you know. i do like clinical psychology like you guessed, i also like "children" psychology or in companies. i feel like i would like that.bworking with a master degree? yes sure? is it different than working with a license? i have no idea. it's the way of getting it who frighten me. would you work independant?i have thoughts about that too but dont find myself mature enough for that. i see, even if you're not the youngest you're also not the oldest so that's not too bad honestly! i live in France, i don't know if a short 2 years program exist for psychology? i did hear you could be a couple counselor with a License, i would like that too, but it's apparently very limited, or part-time jobs.
@nwaveo I'm sorry. This virus scare has a way on creeping up on us. I thought I was fine for a long time before the anxieties with my parents and my grandfather popped. Seemingly overnight my anxiety has spiked and I have been doing what I can to work through it like I have been learning to do. I also have had a lot of changes because of the virus. My campus shut down right before finals so everyone is scrambling to switch over to an online format. And my lab had to figure out how to work remotely with the data we have. We had one day to clear our lab and offices of what we needed before the campus shut down for the rest of the academic year. It isn't as simple as taking all the materials home with us because we need to ensure that no one who isn't authorized to look at the data, can look at it (which is why it usually remains in a locked lab or locked in a password protected file on our computers). I know that these changes don't equate to losing a job but I understand the stress that comes with big changes to our daily routine. It's difficult to adjust to the changes our circumstances have imposed on us. My advice for your situation is to tackle one thing at a time. Don't worry about trying to fix everything at once. Tackle making a call one day and don't worry about your paycheck until you're ready to handle something else (or do it vice versa). I think it also helps to try meditation before I do something scary or anxiety provoking. I just had to meditate before making a phone call to my counselor's office. It helps to relax your mind and body so you don't get overwhelmed as easily when you are completing the task.
@SecretlyMe it's definitly valid to be anxious about the changes in your lab and university. changes are scary, i've always badly adapted to change, which is what makes me feel lonely sometimes when everyone seems to be looking for non-routine jobs while all i want is a routine job. i hope you go through adaptation while going through as little stress as possible. i'll be trying meditation, never really paid attention to it but i do believe it could be good for me. one thing in particular that calm my nerves, it will sound weird maybe, but, is the sound of vaccum, hairdresser or white noise. at night i put those on spotify while sleeping. i'm positive it's because when i was a kid my mom used to vaccum my room while i slept, or ised the hairdresser in the bathroom. and it just brings me confort. you could try if you want. along with your meditations. you're right about tackling it one task at a time, my biggest difficulty is adapting to changes like i said, and having to do adult task freaks me out, not only because i've never taken care of contracts, employment related stuff, laws, before and i have no idea how it handle them. and also because i guess since i'm not mature enough, i don't have a strong personality per say who could defend themselves if companies tried to scam me. i'm usually the chill person who doesn't care if the kid run through the mud. we'll just wash it. meaning i dont defend myselfs/go into conflicts enough i guess.
@nwaveo Thank you. Your words of encouragement help. I hope the stress levels out soon too. I'm halfway through my finals so far and I have a list of things I need to work on remotely in preparation for the online spring quarter. But one thing at a time, and that means focusing on just getting through the rest of finals. After that's done, I can begin tackling the other work.
You're right, change is scary. It's unfortunate that so much is changing all at once. That will make adjustment more of a challenge but it isn't impossible. We'll both get through these changes and these new responsibilities. I don't know if I agree that majority speaking people seek out non routine jobs. I think graduate school could be considered a nonroutine job because so much of our schedule is unstructured. But the first thing we learn to do, if its not a skill we already have, is learn how to structure and manage our own schedules so we have as much of a balanced ife as possible. We seek out routine as much as possible even in non routine roles. But I understand if you would rather have the structure provided to you rather than hold yourself to be accountable. It's still a skill I'm trying to learn and if I had mastered it by now, I wouldn't have had only a couple hours of sleep last night or an hour long nap in the middle of the day. I would be much more rested and not staying up all hours of the night to work on these finals lol.
I'm glad that you are going to try meditation. I first started trying it in January and honestly it didn't feel like it was doing anything at first because I wasn't able to clear my mind on command like that. It's something that needs to be practiced and mastered. I am now starting to feel the benefits when I can do it properly. I was speaking to a faculty member in my department last month about meditation and they said that they have been meditating for years and years. They are at the point where if they just close their eyes and take a few deep breaths, they have enough control over their mind to clear it instantly. Meaning they can get the benefits of meditation over the span of an elevator ride up to their office! That sounds amazing to be so in control of yourself that way. I am far from being there but hopefully I can reach that point after some years of practicing. And maybe you will too if you find that meditation works for you. Again, don't have high hopes your first few times. But you do start getting the hang of it after a while.
I haven't heard of the vacuum or hairdryer being soothing to some people. But you should do whatever works for you. I might give it a try too just to see if it works for me. I remember that even as a little kid I loved the sound of a clock tic, tic, ticking constantly and consistently. The rhythmic sound soothed me when I was stressed or when I couldn't fall asleep. I used to keep a watch in my nightstand so I could hold it against my ear at night. Unfortunately all my watches need new batteries but it isn't difficult to find a similar, consistent sound like that when I need it.
Doing adult stuff freaks many of us out from time to time. Like I said earlier today, I needed to meditate before making a phone call because it's scary to make your own appointments like an adult. We're in that weird phase of life where we're technically adults but we don't feel like adults yet because we're all guessing on stuff like this. If I have a question on whether work is treating me fairly or not I talk to my dad. Well I talk to dad about everything concerning learning "how to adult". He helps me with work questions, how to do my taxes, how to handle my money, remembering how often to service my car, etc. I don't think of it as I'm not mature enough. I'm just still learning how to handle these things on my own and there's nothing wrong in asking for help from people that do have this all down. If you do think a company is scamming you, it doesn't hurt to ask your parents how they would handle a situation if placed in the same position. Do they think this company is treating you oddly or is this perfectly normal? Would they accept it, fight it, or would they simply leave the company. Because that's the other thing, you don't need to be confrontational each time you are treated unfairly. Sometimes its best to simply walk away and not waste your breath. You move on to the next job with a different company.
@nwaveo Sending an application doesn't make you committed to pursue it. Your accomplishment was simply submitting the application itself because often times putting yourself out there is half the battle. Fear of judgement or fear of failing holds us back so much and we often don't even bother trying. But you did! It doesn't matter what their response is, it doesn't matter if you end up choosing to go or not, all that matters in this moment is that you took the risk.
Sounds like you are open to using a psychology degree (if you choose to pursue it) in a large number of ways. That's great that you aren't limiting yourself in anyway. I might be getting ahead of myself by asking you to narrow it down at this stage. If you join the program, that's when you'll learn about your options and it is then that you can choose which path would be best suited for you. I could be wrong but I think working with a license can be the same as working with a masters degree. I didn't pay attention too much to the options on a clinical route to psychology work. Children's clinical psychology sounds interesting. But I might be biased because I conduct research on early childhood development :p
I don't think you need to worry too much right now about how you get your degree. Like I mentioned above, I might have jumped the gun but asking you what you're interested in. A year ago today I hadn't narrowed down my interests to where I am now. And I still feel like I'm figuring out what I want to do research wise. We'll figure all this out along the way. Planning too much ahead of time can lead to added pressures to meet those expectations. We're choosing a more lenient path and that's probably better for our anxieties anyway.
@SecretlyMe Thank you. it reassure me to know i don't have to figure it out yet and that i can think about it if i ever choose to do psychology. are you advising i narrow down my options right now? specializing in children's psychology seems really interesting. especially because, if i don't consider myself good with adults, i could be good with kids?
i realized that alot recently. thinking too far into the future is not good. i caught myself thibking how in 20 years my parents could be very ill or passed away and what would i do. 20 years.then my mind went to "could be 10 years too" and it just became incredibly toxic. i try to ignore it.
@nwaveo No, you don't need to narrow it down right now. I also sometimes get swept up in looking too far in the future. That leads me to feeling unprepared if I don't start planning now. That's what happened with my last message. You don't need to make any decision on narrowing down your interests now. Especially since you aren't sure if psychology is a route you know you want to pursue. That is way down the line and it's silly of me to suggest that you should start planning it all now.
Sounds like we both do this but it manifests differently in each of us. You go to worst case scenario which can be paralyzing to move forward. I go for overplanning which leaves me feeling overwhelmed easily because I tend to feel like I am so far behind when really I'm planning things that don't need to be planned yet. Both are very debilitating and hopefully we can slowly wean ourselves off this type of thinking by fighting the thoughts or ignoring it when it comes up.
@SecretlyMe Where do you live?
that's interesting! it seems like academia is your safe place somehow. did you have trouble socializing? making friends? how much years have you being doing so far?
i don't think you could consider my diploma a degree, it's a 2 years program called "BTS" or "Brevet de technicien superieur" in France. in PA for me.
utimatly all i want in life is a no stress job, a good enough pay to live, a chill job, and not feel alone. not much responsability or slow-built.
working in a library would fit 80%.
it's okay if you have trouble following your own advice, it's always easier guiding people or helping them, than helping ourselves. i have no trouvle reassuring my friends or relatives, i've been doing it non stop since the virus, yet reassuring myself is harder.
you're right that a partner will come with time, i've recently midly started feeling like i'll end up alone all my life because i don't go out alot and live in a small village but i'm aware that's a common feeling and should not be aggravated.
i'm trying to see if i answered everything, forgive me if i forget things, my memory has never been one of the best one, or my capacity of attention.
@nwaveo i'm open to discussing my timeline with you as you suggested, i don't mind, only, what exactly do you mean by timeline?
@nwaveo I live in the United States, I don't know too much about how programs differ between here and France. I would have to look into it to see how reliable my advice has been for someone living that far from me. I know your diploma doesn't sound familiar to me and I wouldn't know the equivalent was. Maybe what I consider an Associate's degree?
I don't know if academia is a safe place yet. I still get anxious about figuring out what I want to do and feeling like I belong. I'm only in my first year of the graduate program so I'm still not that far along. Before going back to school I didn't struggle that much to socialize or make friends. But for reasons I mentioned earlier, I had some family problems as soon as I started and I withdrew socially as a result. People in my program have been incredibly kind and welcoming. The lack of close friendships is because I didn't let people in for a long time. I have been working on the social anxiety with my counselor in an attempt to ease the "imposter syndrome" and to feel comfortable opening up to others. I still have a way to go with the social anxiety but it been getting better.
A no stress job with good pay and good companionship sounds like a dream come true. I hope we both find that for ourselves oneday. Working in a library sounds like it meets all those requirements but you said it was 80%. What is the librarian job missing for you to make up that last 20%? I would also argue that a lot of the professions you listed meet many of those requirements. Sounds like you could pick one at random at end up having a blessed life. I don't suggest that's how you do it I just want to make the point that whenever you do decide, you shouldn't doubt that decision. Don't focus on the what ifs after you have the one you picked.
The fear of being alone seems to be fairly uniform around the world. It's a tough fear to shake off once you have it. I think you're doing exactly what you should do and remind yourself that it will be alright. It's a common fear but we overcome it eventually. This fear has been consistently on my mind since a recent breakup but I know it will pass as I process the heartbreak.
@SecretlyMe according to google. the diploma i have is a PA advanced technician certificate. does that ring a bell?
for your uni, i get it, you still struggle to figure it all out but like you said for me it's okay, one step at a time.
i'm sorry you had some family problems. do you wanna explain it?
it does sound like a dream. it's all alot of us want from life. the 20% remaining would be the one of the task librarian are often asked to do. which is preparing some "lecture" class for kids who comes from schools. reading to them. preparing. i'm not a big fan of that part considering i like my alone time and non-sociability. i'd do it but most likely not well and it'd add stress to me. do you really think alot of the jobs i listed have those no stress requirement? i'm a a bit unsure, psychology must be stressful if working in hospital? or maybe not. navy and police? must be? with animals it seems stress free. i've read that not alot of post are offered tho sadly. same for librarian. graphic design seem ok. filmmaking must be stressful, but maybe worth it if you're making a movie? ah well. i understand.
is it a common fear that seems to accentuate when you're not into being social. we should keep faith that one day we'll meet someone i guess. you had someone tho? do you want to talk about it?
@nwaveo I'm sorry but the degree doesn't sound familiar. I tried looking it up on google and found this site https://www.worldstudent.com/uk/mag/features/tablo-diplom.html. I didn't see your certificate listed but I also don't know accurate it is either. It says it takes 5/6 years to earn a master's degree in the US and that's not true at all.
Family problems I explained briefly before. I had my grandmother pass away right when I started graduate school. I was only a few weeks in and the grief made it difficult for me to focus on my academic responsibilities. That's the short version because usually telling people someone died is enough. Truth is that I had three different people pass away in three different instances in just a little over a month. My grandmother was the first to pass away and her death was the hardest to process which is why I usually just tell people about her rather than explaining the whole story. After all the deaths and unduring the holidays without them, my partner of 3 years left me. That's a story all on its own because it still feels like I'm still dealing with that situation now. And finally, my family is adjusting to a new schedule so we can all take care of my grandfather because he hasn't been well since my grandmother passed. Overall, just a lot on my plate but like everything else, you just have to take it one step at a time. Trying to process everything at once is too overwhelming and it's easy for that thinking to lead you to a dark place. One step at a time is much more manageable.
I hadn't considered that librarians had to prepare presentations to classrooms full of kids. I can see how public speaking would make the position less than ideal. I wouldn't rule it out entirely yet though. Maybe the public speaking will get easier or maybe only one librarian at each branch is in charge of the presentations and that wouldn't fall under your responsibilities. Seems like we need more information before we can discard this option. I think a lot of the jobs you listed can have differnt forms of a stress free environment (and unique stressors) and we just need to figure out which combination is the best of you. That doesn't have to be decided right now. I think experience would help to make the decision. But just as a thought experiment, I can list the pros (or at least the first ones that come to mind) of all the jobs you listed. I'm sure each one has much more to offer but just thinking about what you are getting out of each one, you can consider...
Psychology: you can work with people one on one instead of presentations to large crowds.
Graphic design: you can work alone from home so you are in a place that you feel comfortable.
Film design: (this depends on what role you see yourself doing) Screenwriting can be done at home, camera man doesn't have a lot of attention on them, director is more in control of the project itself, producers work at thier own pace you can work towards a new project when you're ready and give yourself a break when you're overwhelmed, etc.
Library: we already talked about quiet environment
Zoo keeper: Animals are shown to lower stress in people, Pets are a great remedy for anxiety, depression, etc. I wonder if the same effect is seen in people who work with animals, especially large animals. PLUS you get to work with animals on a daily basis instead of people :p
Navy: You really get that routine structure that you are looking for.
Because each profession seems to give you something that you are looking for in a job, I can see you doing any one of them and leading a happy life. Maybe some are better suited for you but one way or another, you are getting something that will hopefully ease some of the stress of starting a career.
@SecretlyMe i checked the website you sent and it is there! under "DEUG" and BTS. it's okay tho, it all seem complicated. i'm sorry if it seems i don't listen sometimes when i re-ask questions about things you've already said. i listen. my memory is just bad sometimes. i'm sorry about those 3 things you had-have to go through. like you said, take your time.
you're right about librarian, maybe it would get easier, maybe it would be okay.
i would love to write for movies or tv shows to begin. seems complicated to achieve tho. and a bit like a unrealistic dream. and you are right, now maybe i gotta see the one particularity i'd be the most comfortable in.
@SecretlyMe i'd like to add. do you think this whole anxiety thing which fell on me suddenly- (like i said i'm not usually a stressed person, prob was anxious at 2 or 3 moments of my life including this period, overall.) could have been triggered by my dog's death? he died in july. and i've had him in life since i was 7, and i'm 23 so you can imagine. the story is actually really beautiful. and i was closer to my dog than to most humans.
@SecretlyMe also, thank you. because out of everyone on this app you've been the most helpful person for me.so, thank you.
@SecretlyMe Lastly, i will gladly tell you about the animals field or library when i find out more about them! sadly society norms will indezd always be with us. i just want to go back to my usual self who never stress or cares about anything/anyone's opinion (but my parents).
@nwaveo I can't wait to hear about it!
I constantly wish for that too. I wish I didn't care about other people's opinions and I wish I could rid myself of the anxiety. But that's big picture stuff that often makes us feel powerless. Best to step back on focus on the small goals until we reach that point.
@nwaveo Also think you might benefit from this post https://www.7cups.com/forum/AnxietySupport_53/AnxietySupportResources_412/AnxietySupportResourcesMasterpost_218540/
Lowering your anxiety in general can often help combat the worries that are weighing on our minds. My problems have become more manageable since I started practicing mindfulness, doing meditations, and implementing breathing exercises. You might find another strategy that works better for you but as long as you are relaxing your mind and body, I think you will see the desired result.
@nwaveo I'm sorry for the late reply. Last few days have been crazy with finals and my research having to be moved online. Lot's to do but I think I've finished most of the urgent stuff for now. I thought I would take a break and talk with you for a bit. 
I can't believe I missed the certificate on that site lol but I'm glad you found it. Hope that site was more informative for you than it was for me.
You have never come across as someone who doesn't listen so don't worry. I don't think you have ever reasked questions about big topics that we've discussed before. And I only mentioned my grandmother briefly in one of those very, very long replies I sent. I don't blame you for that not sticking. I didn't mean for it to be a big topic the first time I mentioned it.
Writing for movies and tv shows sounds really interesting. I don't know much about the industry but my ex was working towards doing that too. He used to stress about networking because that seemed to be the biggest obstacle for that career. But when he started going to school for that, the fears started fading away. Once he started working with his department he had a community to support his with all of that. They kept him updated on opportunities to sell scripts and to get his scripts made into short films. He was introduced to tons of film festivals he had never heard of before and he met some incredible people through his program. I don't think I can offer you as much advice on film and TV like I can on Psychology but I think his story is another great example of something not being as scary as we imagine it. A lot of my stress about my future went away when I met the amazing people I would be working with for the next five years. A lot of my ex's stress went away when he learned about the resources that school gave him and the opportunities it opened up for him. Just something to think about.
I'm sorry to hear about your dog. I can imagine how hard it was to lose a life long friend like that. I think it is possible that your anxiety could have been triggered by his passing. I think my social anxiety came back when I lost my grandmother. Before that happened, I was at a place where I was comfortable with public speaking and I was looking forward to working as a teacher's assistant (one of the requirements for my program that starts my second year). But now I visibly shake during class when we have discussion and I can't imagine standing in front of a class and run review sessions. I don't know why processing grief would spike our anxiety this way but I think that's what happened. If you don't mind talking about it, I would love to hear more about your dog. What was his name? What type of dog was he?
Aww, thank you! I don't think I've done anything other than listen and discuss. Many times all we need is someone to talk to so we can get through whatever we're dealing with. It helps to know we aren't dealing with these things alone. So you have helped me a lot like I have helped you. I like checking in with you and talking through these worries and anxieties together.
@SecretlyMe no worry, it's no problem! :) it does seem amazing the only bummer i've got with it is how hard it is to find works or make it a living? if you make it you can become the next spielberg or write for the next one, but if you don't you struggle all your life with financial issues. and right now i've got my parents, but when i don't? it's also alot easier when you're american than when you're french. there is no hollywood here. even tho French cinema gets alot of recognition, i admit it's not always my cup of tea. but that's just me. another thing that stops me, is that i'd have to move away if i went for film school. in another city completly alone. i dont feel ready for that yet. i dont know if you can relate.
i understand totally! it's just really hard to convince yourself that what you're feeling is just temporary fear or that it's not a reflection of what's gonna happen. that the fear you're having is just that, a fear, and that you're gonna meet amazing people and such. exactly! sure i didnt like socializing much before my dog died, it's never been my nature, but i was okay doing it, with the people i was confortable with, but when he died, it made me feels things i hadn't experienced much before. now what i'm gonna tell you may sound weird, i hope you understand. i experienced the loss of a family member for the first time 3 years ago, it was my grandma too. i won't go in detail because i don't want to trigger you, but i don't think i really-
@SecretlyMe realized she passed away? i don't know if i mentioned it earlier, but i'm a slow-realizer in a way? that's why i wasn't a usually stressed person. i never realized things at the same time as others, or at least that's how it felt? so when she passed away, my sisters were crying, and i wasn't. i was sad, but we didnt live with her, so i didnt "feel" the loss like her 2 children who lived with her did. i felt it when i went back to her appartment. of course i was sad. but i guess it didnt hit me? one of my sister says i keep it all inside and that one day it'll explode? maybe?
i don't want it to sound like i was more sad for my dog than my grandma, that's not it at all. but when my dog died, it hit me instantly, not only because of our history, and what a beautiful story to tell, which i will tell you ofc, but because he had became my best friend, my confident, he was with me 24/7, he slept in my bed, on the couch with me, he never left my side, everyone always said we were a pair. maybe i got too attached to him, because i never let my guard down around others. none think i can cry here. everyone thinks i'm super chill all the time. the reason it hit me instantly is also because my dog died on my lap. he had been sick for a few weeks already and grew a tumor. i knew he wasn't going to last christimas but i somehow never accepted that he would die. so when he did, i struggled alot.
@SecretlyMe to recall the story, i was 7 when i got my dog. i had been begging my dad for months to let us adopt one. he never wanted to. one day, i asked again and he said "you'll get a dog the day you get rid of that dummy." yes i know i was 7 and still had a dummy. shows again i'm a late maturer. anyway, he said that without truly believing it, he really just wanted me off his back, but i took his word seriously. and went to my room to think. when i went dowstairs i threw the said dummy and said "done. when are we getting him?" my grandma was hysterical that day and kept laughing at my dad. it sounds romanced but i swear it's the complete truth. my dad felt dumb and had no choice but to agree. everyone had seen. so days later we went to a shelter. my parents decided on the race. Bichon Frise dogs. i had to choose between two of them. one was already in the shelter's lady arms and one was hiding in the corner of the cage, fearful and looking sad. i chose the fearful and looking sad dog. i remember my mom saying "are you sure? the lady seemed to be hinting at the one in her arm." but i was sure of my
choice.
we adopted him, he feared us a bit at first. then he got comfortable. and ever since we did everything together. absolutely everything.
@SecretlyMe and you're right. all we need sometimes is someone to listen or talk to. i'm glad i helped you somehow, even if it's more you listening to me and my fears.
@SecretlyMe i'd like to add, even thought it's not related, but, that i talked for 5-10 mn with my mom tonight, not about my fears or future things, just about the books she's reading, but somehow it erased all my fears away. they're still here, i mean it doesn't solve my problem, but i love my mom and this little moment made me feel safe. not like i was gonna end up homeless at some point, like i said in my original post.
@SecretlyMe i also borrowed a book from her. i was feeling like it tonight to calm my nerves. i don't usually reads, never really, but maybe i should? it could help me.
@nwaveo I understand why you have reservations about screen writing. Moving out and feeling alone is a lot to put on your plate especially now that you are still figuring a lot of stuff out. If you want to venture out little by little, then I think you need to trust your gut on that decision. Sounds like you are getting closer to narrowing down what you want and what you don't. :) I can definitely relate to that as well. I come from a close knit family and when I was applying to graduate programs, I remember stressing about potentially moving away. I applied to a few programs away even though it made me nervous but ultimately I decided to remain close. And I think that was the best decision for my needs. Some like having the family support when they embark on something new and others might prefer to keep career/school seperated from family. It's a personal preference and I think it's important that we know what works for us before setting out on our next adventure.
I completely understand what you meant when talked about how you expressed your grief. My grandmother was not the first person I have lost that was close to me. She isn't even the first grandparent that I have lost but I don't think I have expereinced grief as strongly as I do now that I lost her. And even in this instance when I lost 3 people, I understood that two people died after her but I wasn't truly processing thier absence because I was so wrapped up in my grandmother not being here.
I don't know if that makes us "slow-realizers" or if something else is happening. When I met with my counselor for the first time, I spoke for 30 minutes straight just explaining what was happening in my life (struggling in school, lost three people, recent break up, dealing with depression and anxiety, etc) I was only emotional when explaining some parts of my background and I was fine when explaining others. My counselor said that's a common response that people have when dealing with big events. In other words my brain was only allowing me to feel certain tragedies and hardships at a time. So even though I understood other people died, I wasn't feeling it because I needed to deal with the other pain first. It is possible that you were dealing with the same thing. Maybe it was too painful to feel the pain all at once and your brain allowed you to mourn your grandmother in waves of sadness that were more manageable. I don't know much about how our brains process grief (you'd think I would because I study psychology) but maybe this can give us insight on why we process grief at a different rate than those around us. I don't think this loss will explode for you after three years. Ithink you have worked through the sadness. You might be reminded of her occassionally and the same sadness might follow but that is completely normal.
I'm sorry that your dog's passing was so difficult for you. I must have been hard to say goodbye to someone who was so close to you for the majority of your life. And having him pass away on your lap just makes the loss that much more painful. I have had close relationships with almost all the pets I've had in my life and I can tell you that losing each of them was when their time came was difficult to accept. Because my pets are my family too. They are my best friends and they also stick by my side. It's hard when you move to pet them and you realize they aren't there anymore.
Your story with your doggy companion was truly touching from the moment you adopted him to the moment you said your final goodbyes. I think he knew how lucky he was to have been welcomed by someone as special as you. You gave him a wonderful life where he let go of his fear and felt love instead. I think you meant as much to him as he meant to you and it's beautiful to see a pure relationship like that. I'm sorry that he isn't still physically here but he does live on in your memories of him and through the stories that you share of him. Thank you for introducing him to me.
I''m glad that you had that conversation with your mom. I remember how much I didn't like talking to my family when we were greiving because all our conversations were about how sad we were. The first time I had a light hearted or casual conversation, I remember how much better I felt than all the times people had asked how I was holding up. We need those causal conversations as much as we need to have emotional check ins so we can move on and grow.
I hope you enjoy the book she lent you. I haven't read for pleasure for a while (since I went back to school) but I loved to do it when I had the time. I found it relaxing to sit down and read. Plus the stories seemed to transport me away from my problems for at least a little while. I think you should try it. Maybe you'll feel the same or maybe not. Either way, at least you tried it and know for sure. :)
@SecretlyMe exactly. and being the last daughter of my parents, i think i might have been "baby-ed" alot longer than my sisters, hency probably why i struggle with maturity. but meaning i would definitly feel more comfortable with family around at first.
it is truly amazing to see how the brain can react to events and do damage control for us.
i tell myself he had a good life. always been treated right. lived 'til 16. when his kind usually lives 'til around 12. i wish things were handled differently, but we can't change what's done and feeling like that doesn't do anyone any good. i remember the vet saying she was extremely sad for us, and that she rarely had seen a dog being loved this much by his family. we took care of him during his entire tumor, we disinfected his tumor so worms wouldn't get in, when he couldnt walk anymore, i carried him everywhere. i didnt mind. i would have done it forever if it could have made him stay with us. unfortunately, came a day where he started puking, and i could tell he was suffering (he hadn't showed so before). i remember being in the bathroom at 4.00AM, it was his last day, he had woken up all night to vomit, i had him on my knees and i was trying to ease his pain. i remember thinking for the first time that maybe it was time. i remember the vet saying that i would feel it when it was. and i did. didnt have time to talk about it with my mother that he died the next day.
@SecretlyMe it's "funny" because before he died, he was on my bed, i was trying to show my niece something, i had just woken up, i wasn't prepared, he kept moving as if to catch my attention like when he did when he wanted to pee. so i took him in my arms and he was alive, but he felt off, his body was moving oddly. i remember sighing and going to my mom. sitting on the bed, putting him onto my lap. seeing how he was, we were talking about taking him to the vet. i was petrified. didn't have time to do anything that i noticed first how his eyes went dilated. my mom often says he waited to be onto my lap to go away, that he knew i was making the choice to let him go but struggled, and decided to do it for me. it's a poetic and naive way to see things, but it's beautiful nonetheless. i'll forever cherish growing up my whole childhood with him.
indeed, simple interactions can sometimes make our day. they make us think of something else rather than our problems!
thank you, i hope i will too.
@nwaveo How we're raised plays a big part in how we develop for sure. It's possible that being the youngest has lead to you feeling more comfortable with family rather than with strangers. Although I think it's insightful to identify and acknowledge these trends in our lives, we cannot let them define us. I acknowledge that my parents had some separation anxiety with me when I was little (and therefore I seem to have grown to have some separation anxiety from them) but that doesn't mean I need to be afraid of venturing out and living my own life. I am content where I am because the family is dealing with a lot and we are all leaning on each other to get through it: to grieve my grandmother's passing, to work together to take care of my disabled grandfather, and simply pooling money to stay afloat financially. Right now staying at home makes sense so I can feel comfortable as I tackle graduate school and I don't need to worry about paying as many bills. And it also makes sense that I am here to help my grandfather when others are tired or to lend my parents money when they are a little short to pay all the bills. But one day I will need to move out and I can't be afraid to embrace that. Sounds like we might be in a similar situation in that way. We don't need to rush to move out now when we're both dealing with so much stuff but we can't be afraid to move out ever. I hope that makes sense.
The brain is amazing! I did end up mourning and processing everything since it happened but I've noticed that it happens in stages. It took a while before I cried for the other two people that I lost and once I did I went back to mourning the person who was most important to me. My brain seems to find the balance between how much I can handle at any given time. I still feel overwhelmed some days but looking back, I was never dealing with EVERYTHING all at once. It can be exhausting when I have days or weeks when I seem to be jumping from one tragedy to the next without a break but I think it would be worse if I was supressing it or if I allowed to feel it all at once.
That's incredible that your dog lived for so long! Do you mind if I ask what his name was? (I don't want to refer to him as "your dog" or with male pronouns). It seems like you have processed his passing in a very healthy way and I am proud of how maturely you have accepted that "what ifs" or wishing for something else isn't good for us. It's sad that you were there when he passed away but I also think that is a gift. You reassured and showed him love and affection in his final moments. Many it is niave to think he was making the choice for you to leave but I don't think it's niave to think your friend woke you up for a final goodbye. I think that's really beautiful and something that would only happen if he really loved you like he did.
@SecretlyMe i understand of course, tho we should only move out when we're really ready shouldnt we? of course we shouldnt be scared but i think we won't be scared if we're in the right state of mind! some people stay home until they are financially stable, or mentally, etc. my sister still lives with us because she doesn't feel ready to live alone. she's older than me. she's also agoraphobic . it seems to be a recurrent patern in my family. My 40+ aunt lived with my grandma all her life, along wit her brother. she also never liked people, and had anxiety when it came to jobs/work.
indeed! it helps us in a way.
yes of course, his name was Usty. i don't think i fully mourned him yet. but i'll get there. i think it hit my mom alot more than she shows too. she often talks about getting another dog, i know it sounds like she may lack tact, and she does lol, but that's okay. i think my dog lifted her mood up alot. and when we spoke some times back, she said she didnt feel like doing anything anymore. no motivation. and maybe it's because of that. or maybe i'm imagining it. she did say alot she was ready to get another dog but was waiting for me to be.
@nwaveo Of course, don't push yourself too hard. You'll be ready one day but there's no rush for that day to be anytime soon. I simply meant don't fall into the trap where you start thinking you'll never be ready. The more you keep thinking that, the more you will believe it and the more likely it will be true. This is were the power of positive thinging comes into play. We need to remain positive that we are exactly where we are meant to be even if we feel behind other people. And we need to remain positive that we will one day achieve the things that we want in life. Remaining positive motivates us to keep going whereas thinking negatively tends to slow us down until we feel stuck.
It doesn't surprise me that you weren't the only one effected by Usty's passing. He sounds like a very special dog and I'm sure he left an imprint on everyone he met. Your mom might be trying to stay strong for you because she knows Utsy was mostly your dog. When you feel ready to talk about him (or if you are ready now) it might be nice to have a conversation with your mom about Utsy. It doesn't have to be a serious one. It can be a casual and short talk where you just say "Remember when Utsy used to..." I think it would help alleviate the pain to think of the good memories you all shared with him and it will give you and your mom a chance to express how you are both feeling.
There are many studies that have shown that pets alleviate symptoms of depression, stress, anxiety, etc. But you don't need to rush out and bring home a new friend until you feel like you are ready. My family waited a long time in between dogs because we needed time to mourn. I waited a few years to adopt the cat I have now after my lifelong cat companion passed away. I needed a lot of time before I brought someone new to my home after saying goodbye. Sounds like you feel the same way. It's understandable that you feel unready. You're still processing what happened. But I want to share with you something that I struggled to accept for a long time, a new pet will never replace the one you had before. You don't need to feel guilty for bringing someone new home, you don't need to guard your heart so you can't fall in love with the next one too, you don't need to be afraid of replacing Utsy. It's like a mother having multiple children. You will love them individually and equally. Your heart can grow to accomodate a new member of the family. That love doesn't have to be taken from somewhere else. I tell you this because that's exactly how I felt when my mom and sister brought home the cat we have now. I thought they were replacing the cat we lost a year before and so I tried to remain indifferent to her. But slowly she broke down my walls and now she's my little sidekick. She follows me everywhere and sleeps in my bed and comforts me when I'm sad. I don't love my other cat any less. She will always have a place in my heart. By my new one is just as special.
yes of course, his name was Usty. i don't think i fully mourned him yet. but i'll get there. i think it hit my mom alot more than she shows too. she often talks about getting another dog, i know it sounds like she may lack tact, and she does lol, but that's okay. i think my dog lifted her mood up alot. and when we spoke some times back, she said she didnt feel like doing anything anymore. no motivation. and maybe it's because of that. or maybe i'm imagining it. she did say alot she was ready to get another dog but was waiting for me to be.
@SecretlyMe you're right, i sometimes tell myself i won't be able to do it because i'm too anti-social, too by myself, not comfortable, that it can start to block me in a way. that's why today i made a very long list about the things i'd like to do before i die. and i realized there is alot of projects i'd like to make happen. of course they might not happen all. some are a bit unrealistic, but it motivated me a bit. i told myself i wanted to make that happened i had to find a job and bring money, and fight my
fear of job/working so i could save up. i dont want to be forcing myself tho, i don't feel like that's healthy, but maybe necessary. i don't know. i can show you the list if you want.
about my dog, you're right, my mom avoided talking too much about him for a while, i think they avoid it even now because they know it'll make me sad. i might try. and you were spot on by saying i shouldnt feel like it'd replace him. because that's exactly how i feel. i feel like if i start bringing the new dog into my bed, it'll be like replacing Usty. and etc. knowing myself i would probably guard myself and try to not be affectionate as much toward the dog, but that's not fair to him or her.
@SecretlyMe crazy thought of the night. do you think i could do the courses i'm interesting in online and get a job at the same time. i know that's possible but, i'm talking of maybe doing psychology online, and then maybe 1 of the other course i was interested in online too. like the library one for example. that'd be two course and one job? now i could get a part time job to have time off. but wouldnt that be alot for the mind and stressful? right now i feel like the library course or graphic design or dog care one can't be THAT complicated academically. maybe graphic design can. so ultimately that'd leave psychology to really study. but that's how i feel right now. i dont know how i'll feel in september or even in a few days about it. i also was wondering if i should get two jobs until september. there in an opportunity to maybe have my pizzeria job back, so 15h, (but really i worked the week end and tuesday/friday) and get that administration camping summer job in my city for june-beginning september. concerning the amount of hours it's possible. that'd give me alot of money. but i'm afraid i'm under-estimating the pressure and stress i'd be putting on myself at once. right now it doesn't feel stressful to me, like i could handle it for the money, but if i'm in a anxious moment at some point i'll feel like the total opposite. hell i could even have changed my mind by the time you'll answer this. who knows.
@SecretlyMe what make me hesitate, if i get two jobs, it'd mean i'd have zero time to think. i'm someone who usually needs a few off days to think about stuff or get to just sit somewhere and think, about my future, my plans etc. if i get two jobs, i'd be working monday-friday til 5PM, and on tuesday, friday, saturday and sunday, i'd be working from 6PM to 10PM. i'd get the saturday and sunday afternoon/morning free. but i feel like that wouldnt be enough maybe. this is probably just a crazy thought of the night like i said and i'll regret it lol.
@nwaveo That's great that you are envisioning a future where you are accomplishing so much. How do you feel now that the list has been made? Motivated or overwhelmed? I only ask because sometimes keeping a to do list motivates me to get more stuff done and sometimes seeing everything I need to do can leave me overwhelmed. I would love to see your list if you don't mind sharing it with me. If you do start to feel overwhelmed, it helps to break goals down to smaller ones. So nothing feels impossible or unrealistic. We can try doing that together if you want.
Talking about my grandmother still makes me sad because talking about her just reminds me that she isn't here anymore. But every once in a while we share a happy memory that bring more happiness than sadness. Talking about how she isn't around to make her signature dishes or she isn't here to tell us which home remedy to use to fix our current ailment makes us sad because we are thinking about what isn't here. We think about future moments without the person who is gone and we are envisioning having to carry on without them. But recounting individual moments often bring happiness. I think that is because that moment was always meant to be a single moment in time and we were lucky enough to have it before the person left our side. For example, I love recounting the story of my cousins and I sitting around the dinning room table teaching my grandmother how to play the card game Uno. It took her a while to understand the rules but that didn't stop her from absolutely crushing us all! That will always be a special moment that I share with her. And my cousins and I have laughed when recounting that day because of the happiness that is tied to that single afternoon. Maybe this advice will help make it easier to talk to your mom and the rest of your family about Utsy. Try to recount fun memories that you shared together instead of thinking about the future. I hope this makes sense. And more importantly, I hope that this theory I have is right. I hope these types of memories are easier to talk about.
I had a feeling that you would feel similarly to getting a new dog as I felt about getting a new cat. Seems like our way of thinking overlaps in more than just a few instances. I hope my advice helps. You shouldn't rush yourself but I hope you don't close yourself up to the possibility of letting anyone else in because you're afraid of what that means to Utsy. I know it's a difficult thought to let go of. Like I said, it took a while before I allowed myself to love the cat I have now. I still struggle with feeling anything positive after losing someone. I realized more recently that I was afraid of moving on pass my grief for my grandmother because I worried that meant letting go of her all over again. I know that sounds silly because one doesn't relate to the other. But it seemed that with the grief, I was thinking about her constantly. And everytime someone said the pain would go away after some time had passed, I was afraid. I didn't want to stop thinking of her. Thinking of her was the only way she was still in my life. Not having her in my mind constantly felt like saying goodbye to her again and I wasn't ready to let that go. I know this thinking isn't exactly like how you feel about Utsy and the idea of getting a new dog. But I think the message for both of us here is, we are allowed to feel happiness again without being guilty.
I don't think your thought of taking different courses or taking multiple jobs is crazy. I'm really proud how quickly you seem to have gone from "I can't imagine working anywhere or going back to school" to "I want to do it all!". That's incredible improvement and I love to see you feeling more capable than you were when you originally posted this thread. Advice my dad gave me a long time ago and I still use it today: don't add too much all at once. I think it's great that you see yourself balancing school and a job (and possibly multiples of either one). Remember that transitioning from where you are know to handling all of that might be a big leap for you and those changes can sometimes take a while to adjust to. I am in no way discouraging you from doing this. I truly believe you have what it takes to do any combination of responsibilites that you mentioned above. You can handle two part time jobs, or your can take different courses in different fields to try them out, you can earn money while attending school. You have the skills, you have resources, and most importantly you have the passion. With my dad's advice, I would say to add it to your plate little by little. Keep working at the pizzeria job and add on some work with maybe the psychology course. Once you have done that for a while, and you realize you are comfortable with the number of hours you are devoting to each, you can add more. That's when you can either add a second job or take another course for the librarian job. Adding it on little by little will hopefully leave you left overwhelmed, more adjusted to the responsibilities and better prepared to succeed in everything you set yourself out to do. You won't be left guessing as much if you are tackling too much at once. You'll have a better idea if you have enough time in your schedule to think about things. :)
@SecretlyMe Motivated rather than overwhelmed. because i know some of these things won't happen and i think i'm okay with it. if it can happen then good, if it doesn't that's fine.
of course, i'll send it to you!
actually i can relate to how you feel 100%. i've been afraid that "moving on" meant forgetting. i don't want to move on if it means forgetting how it felt to hug my dog when i was sad. or how he would always put his head curled up in my neck. whats the point of that. and like you said, when people tells you it'll pass with time, you don't want it to pass, you don't want to forget. i almost hope they won't get easier in a way, because if they're easy it means you've moved on. but i know it's part of the process.
i don't think i'll close myself to that, because like you said animals reduces stress, and i think it could not only do me some good, but also do my mom some good, but of course i won't rush, i don't think i'm there yet, i'd be just comparing to my dog, it's been 8 months i still have time to process it i think.
oh i think can't see myself working anywhere in a way lol! i have days where i don't think anything fits me, or where i have that fear of having a job and the responsibilities. but you're right that it might be progress without me realizing. no you're right, with how stressed over it i've been i think it would be wise to take it easy, like i took it east with the pizzeria job. i don't think i want to keep that job for more than 3 months tho--
@SecretlyMe the people were nice, the tasks were okay, but i don't think i'm quite made for an environment where i have to rush things and do it quickly because of customers. it's a bit stressful i think. i agree about taking my time to adjust etc, only problems is that the deadline for most courses are september, i dont think i'll be able to do any other courses after september if i don't confirm them then. but i'm going to check for more informations who knows.
@SecretlyMe
here is my list!
buy my own house, or even help build it.
own a flat i can rent
own a cottage in montains.
own a camping car.
learn how to surf.
go sky diving.
own a boat fit for habitation and a canoe.
own a car that looks like that old cool car i saw on the web the other day. (get my license first lol)
build a shelter for homeless people when i get older. (id love to do it with my mom but shell prob be too old by the time)
own a dinner of my own.
own a hotel or small hostel
own a film company.
make a short movie at least.
write a book. publish it.
write a script.
be financially comfortable.
maybe get diploma in all things im interested over time (even if i settled down in a job i could get them when im older just for personnal gain)
have a nice job i enjoy.
maybe make a bussiness online.
sell one painting at least.
learn piano and ukulele.
get a boat driving license
get back to skying, go further than my current level
do a scuba diving initiation and more if i like it.
learn to sew/knit
do a road trip
do a world tour
go on a polar cruise
go to alaska + north pole
consider candidating for mayor in a small village when im old (that one is weird dont pay too much attention lol)
go on a sea trip with someone
volunteer with animals, pollutions, earth related charities
draw a comic, just for me
learn to draw better or paint
learn realistic baking decorating for fun
create a app
some things depends on my mood lol bc its a bit unrealistic.
@nwaveo Wow! That's a long list. Looks like you have had a lot of time figuring out what you want to do. I wish I had a list like this to keep me motivated. All I have is school at the moment lol. But I have wanted to try to pick up a hobby or something so I have something to do when I need a break from responsibilities.
Sounds like you have a whole list of careers, hobbies, future trips, and even purchase goals. That's wonderful. Are you working towards any of these goals now? Maybe not any of the bigger goals like owning a cottage or taking a big trip around the world, but what about working towards a smaller goal like practicing your drawing or learning to knit/sew? With the pandemic, seems like we're all going to be stuck inside for a while anyway. May as well take the time to do something for yourself like learning a skill that you have wanted to.
I know that you feel like some of these goals seem unrealistic. I don't think any goal on its own is unrealistic. If it was unrealistic, that would mean no one before you has ever accomplished it. Sometimes it might help to break down a goal so there is a clear path on how to get from where you are now and where you want to be. That way you can take active steps towards the goal and it doesn't remain just a wish. For example, you want to write a book, have you thought about what you want to write about? First you should pick a topic, next do some research (if you need to) and then it's time to start writing!
I wouldn't know how to break down all your goals but I can try if you are struggling to make them more manageable. I think this will be a useful exercise for you because then you can start planning out which goals you want to achieve first and you can see how some of these can be tied together. :)
@SecretlyMe i don't think i'm really working on those goals right now, tho i guess in a very small way yes, because i sometimes draw in my drawing book, but i don't make it a everyday thing, only when i feel like it. i also have an idea for a script with a friend. we're looking to write it together for a small thing. obviously it'd only be for us right now. so i guess a little. but i don't think i can fully focus on doing those goals until i figure out my main thing for september. right now i feel ok, but i don't feel as confident as yesterday, i guess it's the aftermath of such a feeling.
@SecretlyMe the thing with having so much thoughts of careers is that i'm incapable of making a choice. i recently thought of archivist too, because it's a bit like librarian and can be in museums etc and be very quiet and chill. another job i find interesting, even with it's "morbid" environment, is funeral advisor or officer. to me it's very "helpful", helping families mourns, managing a respectful farewell for the lost ones. but again, alot of ideas but in the end i'm still unsure about everything.
@SecretlyMe we were watching a movie with my parents tonight. it was about school's children, and education. nothing special or related to me yet somehow it made me anxious a bit. maybe because the movie is in Paris, and i hate big cities. they're too crowded. or maybe it was because it's about education, and i fail to find what i want to do in life. it's random, and i have no explanation for that. but i think i'm gonna to start reading that book i said i would. i think i'm slowly going through a small "none of the education i mentioned will happen, and if it does i'll be stressed." stage. making my fears come back.
@nwaveo Don't discredit the steps you're taking now. Falling in that habit can make you feel like you are always at step 1 and that can get discouraging after a while. I'm impressed that you already have an idea for a script and you have ben discussing it with someone. That's already a big accomplishment! And the fact that you are practicing your drawing when inspiration strikes seems to be the best plan. It's great that you have a book to keep all your drawings together. Maybe once you fill up the book, you'll see how your style has changed by comparing the first and last drawing to each other. :)
Ooh, archivist does sound interesting. Do you have an interest in history? If so, I can see you being very happy working with artifacts.
Funeral director could be considered morbid to some but it seems to be a calling for a special group of people. Although I can't see myself doing it, I think its beautiful that some people aspire to help families at one of their most vulnerable. Mourning is difficult on its own let alone having to plan a funeral while processing our grief. I was very thankful to the workers that helped my family when it came time to honor my grandmother. They made the planning as easy as possible for us and the celebration was ceremonial, eloquent but not too elaborate. I kept thinking this is was a perfect representation of my grandmother and of she were here, it looked exactly as she would have wanted it. I was glad that we were able to give her this final goodbye even if she wasn't physically there to appreciate it with us. I think pursuing a career in something like funeral advisor or officer would be very nobel of you.
It's normal for our fears to come over us in waves like this. I can't say for sure what triggered your anxiety. Maybe you were right and it was because the movie displayed a busy, crowded city, or maybe it was thinking about education and your future. No matter the reason, the most important thing is to calm down.
Calming down can be focusing on your breathing, I like using an animation like this (you can find millions of differnt kinds online) to make sure my breathing doesn't speed up too much. Watching something rhythmic like this keeps our breathing at a steady and slow rate. Or you can try meditation again if it worked for you the first time. Even reading can help slow your mind and body if you find it relaxing. I'm glad to hear that you are giving your mom's book a try. I hope it helps you in the way you want it to.
Only after you have relaxed and calmed down, you can go back and remind yourself of what we have talked about before. You are making steps to figure things out. There is no rush to have it all sorted by a particular deadline. As long as you continue to consider your options, you'll narrow them down without even trying and you'll see the clearer picture in no time. Even between your first post and now, I would say that you have made a lot of progress with figuring things out. You have already come so far after talking through your options. You'll get to a point where you aren't anxious about your future.
@SecretlyMe thank you! even tho the script feels more like a hobbie right now than a potential job, but i'm slowly moving forward with things that i want and creating things. i hope! sometimes it feels like i'm taking so long to draw or paint the way i want to. but i have to remind myself that it takes time and the people you see drawing on videos had years and years of practice. it does doesn't it, i won't say i'm passionate but i'm very interested when reading about history or learning new facts. egypt was a topic i particularly liked in school. my history grades werent the best but for lack of effort i think. It can seem morbid for some people indeed, but i don't think i mind the whole environment? it seems almost relaxing, in a weird way, to be helping those families mourns their loved ones. but maybe i wouldnt feel the same while working there, you never know between expectations and reality uh. but it's an idea of mine, i also discovered there is no actual diploma for that job, and that you can apply with a 2 year diploma, most of the time in administration, and get a 1 year specialized training while working there, and ironically, it's exactly my profile. since my 2 years PA diploma is human ressources/administration. thank you. i think i'm better now just cautious. there is technically a deadline in september where i have to figure it out before or i won't have anything, which stress me out a bit even though i still have time.
@nwaveo how are you doing on your part?
@SecretlyMe how are you doing on your part?
@nwaveo Lots of careers have started with just a hobby. Hobbies are where we find our passions and if we're lucky, they turn into future careers. Whether this turns into something bigger or if this writing remains a hobby, it much more important that you are enjoying the activity. Just like the drawing. You are practicing when the inspiration strikes because that's when you get the most out of drawing in your sketch book. Forcing yourself to do it when the passion isn't there will lead to you losing a hobby that you once enjoyed. I think its great that you aren't comparing yourself unrealistically to other artists. I'm glad to see that you are reminding yourself that drawings done by other people could look different due to different level of expereince, different training, or different styles. I think that's an important reminder for everyone who look up to others in their fields.
I think have an interest and curiosity in history is more than just a start. Especially since you can narrow down your interests to a particular region/era. If archivist is something you do decide to look into as a future career, this acknowledgement of your interests will be important to finding the appropriate next step. Don't worry too much about what your previous grades were. Grades aren't capable of encompassing our passion or demonstrating our intellect. If you were to apply for a position in the field, I think your interest in the subject will shine through. That will be much more informative than old grades.
I oddly understand what you mean by the environment being relaxing at a funeral home. I've never worked at one before so I shouldn't know but I think I do. The building is overall quiet like a library and the employees all speak calmly to each other and mouring families. You could be right that our expectations don't match the reality since we have never had any expereince. It might be something to look into if you have a real interest in a job like this. And it sounds like you might have already started researching the job. I didn't know that you could apply with a 2 year diploma nor that there was so much training provided on site.
I'm doing ok, thank you for asking. I just spent the last few days taking care of my grandfather. He stays with us part time because he can't live alone and he's too stubborn to move in permanently yet lol. We took him back to his home this afternoon and my uncle is taking the next few days to watch him. Then my aunt takes the next couple, before he comes back here with us. I think my grandfather is tired of the back and forth and my dad and his siblings are tired of this shift change each week. We'll need to find a more sustainable solution but I don't think that will happen until my grandfather can accept that he can't live alone now that my grandmother isn't there to care for him anymore. It's best to not push him too hard though. He's already gone through so much lately and he's bound to realize it soon anyway.
Other than my grandfather being here, not much else to share. I'll be shifting back to work mode now that he's back at his house with my uncle. I have to get back to figuring out how I will be working and attending classes remotely next week now that my campus has closed. There will be a learning curve but the department is finding and solving the kinks together so I'm not too worried about it.
@nwaveo keep moving forward keep trying, it helped me a lot working coming out of having mono and other health issues, i had severe anxiety but working and determing myself that i could do it helped immensly
@courageousBlueberry3621thank you! i will try to, and hopefully that anxiety will go away when i figure it out.
I am scared of death. I am scared of the process of dying. I am scared that I have not done enough to make my life have meaning. And I want the chance to try to do something good for people. I guess in a way that is selfish. But I just want to look back on my life and know I accomplished something.
@mazrimtaim what would you love to do to help people? do you have any idea? opening a shelter maybe? or volunteering in a charity? fullfilling your desire to help others could definitly help decrease your fear of death. i think you fear death a little less when you do something you enjoy.
@nwaveo It wouldn't matter, as long as it was something that definitely impacted people's lives in a positive way. It would be helping underprivileged youth. It could be helping elderly who can't take care of themselves.
What I truly enjoy is conversation about culture and diferent cultural perspectives. It is great to help with negotiating understanding across different cultural groups.
@mazrimtaim it's a very nice perceptive. may i ask what job do you have? is it related to helping people? if not, you could join charities that helps people, young or older, or immigrants maybe? you'd be helping with different cultural perceptives.
@mazrimtaim what would you love to do to help people? do you have any idea? opening a shelter maybe? or volunteering in a charity? fullfilling your desire to help others could definitly help decrease your fear of death. i think you fear death a little less when you do something you enjoy.
@mazrimtaim When I read this, I was instantly reminded of a post I had read somewhere else. It took me a while to track it down again but I wanted to share with you because I think it will help.
I don't think this message is true of only college students but rather it is true of everyone. We all aspire to do something meaningful in the world but we tend to overlook how meaningful it is to take care of one's self. We probably couldn't accomplish much without first taking care of ourselves first anyway.
@SecretlyMe That is a beautiful message. And one I will think about for a long time.
Thank you for that.
@mazrimtaim I'm glad to hear that this message resonated with you as it did with me the first time I read it. :)
This is a lesson I need to remind myself again and again. It's so easy to think we are selfish for putting what we need above something else, especially when we have this conflicting desire to help save others. Finding the balance between helping ourselves and helping others can be tricky and it's a line we walk carefully throughout our lives. This message is a great reminder when we stray too far in one direction.
@SecretlyMe you're right, hopefully i can become great at it and cross certain things off my list.
Indeed i don't think you have to be an expert in history to be an archivist as long as you're curious.
i asked my friend the other day and she said something similar to you, that all jobs idea i had fitted me, which doesnt really help me lol but that's good to know.
Exactly! it's quiet, calm, almost peaceful, even when i was there for my grandma it felt oddly relaxing. i saw some jobs offer in that field "near" where i live, not necessarily funeral assistant, it was for palbearer. and they're looking for everyone. it's not selective. it's also 3 months i believe. so i was curious about it because it could be experience in that field and i could see if i'm truly interested.
i'm glad you spent times with your grandfather! i understand that it can be tiring for some of your family members, but i think you're right, he just needs time to adjust, eventually he'll come around and live permanently with you all. it must be hard to adjust works during the crisis, are you all on lockdown?
@SecretlyMe i want to add that, while it seems i'm moving forward with not being afraid of jobs and responsibilities because i get ideas, i'm still terrified. all those jobs ideas i have are good but i'm still scared of doing them, socializing, changes, new aspects, failure, and all those things.
@nwaveo @SecretlyMe i tried talking to my mom about the ideas i had. she was listening, but wasn't much of a help, she didnt seem to be very interested in the conversation. my boss confirmed to me that he'd be breaking my 3 months contract. which is fine i thankfully don't need the job, but i still want the money i'm due you know? it could help finance the courses i'm thinking of. but i'm so unaware of the laws and how it goes when that kind of stuff happen. i searched on the internet, i asked friends and family, i gained informations, but i'm still anxious about when he's gonna call again. what if he calls and isn't honest towards me and try to negociate or not give me the money i'm due. i obviously suck at adult thing and responsabilities so handling that is stressing me out. on top of it all, all my researches about the trainings im interested in seems to go nowhere everytime. animal care has no diploma but all you need is a certificate and experiences, but the salary isn't high, i don't think i care much about that if i like the job and can at least live off it, but do i like animal care enough for that. also there aren't much jobs offer. it's almost the same cycle with every options i found. it's all so complicated to figure out, i'm lost and tired honestly. i'm doubting everything, the jobs, my capacity of not going insane with a full time contract? because rn i really don't see myself working 35hours a week. it scares me. it stresses me. -
@SecretlyMe i feel like i'll never like working or obligations. i've always been a lazy person, and i know alot of pople would answer to that to just get off my ass but it makes me anxious. maybe because i'm not mature enough. but where do you get time for hobbies or things you enjoy if you work all the time? you get the week end but you're so tired most of the time people just sleep it off, and that's your life 24/7? and since i feel like i'll never meet anyone or get a partner, i'll have to do this alone, go home to a empty house, and that's even harder to handle then. your work becomes your whole life and i don't want my work to become my life you know? i think my aunt went through the same thing and my sister too that's why they both hate working but now they're depending on others and i don't want that for me? because what if i end up homeless and on the street then? if i can't depend on anyone. my parents are gonna pass away one day, my oldest sister has a whole family, my 2nd is starting one, and my 3rd sister is the one depending on my parents and not working. my aunt and her are basically the black sheap of this family because of that and i dont want to be that too? what about my retirement plan? if i don't work enough i won't have money when i'm old or i'll have the minimum the country allows but will that be enough to live. i'm ranting and repeating myself now i guess this is just a stressed night.
@SecretlyMe and i still don't have my damn driving license. im working on the first stage, but i neglected it bc of the virus a bit and now i'm not getting the good scores i had before. i'm also scared of the responsabilities getting my license would mean. i'd have to drive myself around, i won't get any support when i have to get to interviews etc. my mom used to take me to interviews and stuff and would give me advices etc. i'm tired of feeling immature and not ready to handle things. i also don't feel like i'd be comfortable driving? like scared maybe? i just want to feel happy waking up going to a job, not feeling like it's a task or obligations, and live a stressfree life in a small comfy house somewhere not too crowded. i was never stressed before, my friends kept joking about that, i wasn't afraid or stressed when i passed my high school diploma or my 2 years diploma later. i was a bit anxious of the results yes, but it wasnt much. maybe i've been immature about all this and now i'm being confronted to adults realities and i wasnt prepared for it. my parents never told me enough, they're a bit "chill" too. too much maybe. even right now none is helping me figure it out in my family. my mom isnt interested, my dad gets the same about it, and i dont want to talk to my sister about it. anyway i'm gonna watch a tv show to forget all that. sorry about the rant.
@nwaveo It seems like you posted this before my last reply and I don't know how I didn't see it. I'm sorry that you were feeling so overwhelmed and it seemed like I was ignoring it or dismissing your feelings. I didn't mean to do that. I know you posted more after my earlier reply but I want to go back and address these messages first.
@SecretlyMe i tried talking to my mom about the ideas i had. she was listening, but wasn't much of a help, she didnt seem to be very interested in the conversation. I'm sorry that she was coming across as uninterested. I'm sure that wasn't true. It could be that she simply didn't know what to say. I take my time when I respond to your messages (and when I respond to someone else's thread) because they are experiencing something different than I am and I need to think of an appropriate response. Maybe your mom just needed time to listen and absorb everything you said. Hopefully she can revisit this conversation with you when she feels prepared to offer her advice. my boss confirmed to me that he'd be breaking my 3 months contract. which is fine i thankfully don't need the job, but i still want the money i'm due you know? it could help finance the courses i'm thinking of. but i'm so unaware of the laws and how it goes when that kind of stuff happen. i searched on the internet, i asked friends and family, i gained informations, but i'm still anxious about when he's gonna call again. what if he calls and isn't honest towards me and try to negociate or not give me the money i'm due. i obviously suck at adult thing and responsabilities so handling that is stressing me out. I can't think of a single legitamate reason why your boss would be entitled to keep the money he owes you. You weren't able to keep working the whole time but it wasn't your fault that the contract was breached. You still worked part time and you should be compensated for that work. It would take a very bold person to try to not pay someone for completed labor. I don't think you need to worry about your compensation that you are due. on top of it all, all my researches about the trainings im interested in seems to go nowhere everytime. animal care has no diploma but all you need is a certificate and experiences, but the salary isn't high, i don't think i care much about that if i like the job and can at least live off it, but do i like animal care enough for that. also there aren't much jobs offer. it's almost the same cycle with every options i found. it's all so complicated to figure out, i'm lost and tired honestly. You've been focusing on this a lot lately. My earlier reply commended you for your hard work but maybe it's time for a little break. It might help to push this aside for a while and come back when you feel refreshed. I know this is really confusing. I don't know if I know as much about my own career choice as you know about ALL your potential career options. I have a general idea of what I want but I'm learning more along the way like how to get funding, how I should be adjusting my timeline, how the heirarchy breaks down when you're a professor. Somethings are learned along the way and its ok to not know everything before you pick something. i'm doubting everything, the jobs, my capacity of not going insane with a full time contract? because rn i really don't see myself working 35hours a week. it scares me. it stresses me. i feel like i'll never like working or obligations. i've always been a lazy person, and i know alot of pople would answer to that to just get off my ass but it makes me anxious. maybe because i'm not mature enough. This doesn't have anything to do with maturity. We all just have different abilities and routines. There's nothing wrong with that. There are some days that I can sit at a desk for 12+ hours and just speed through all my work and there are other days (like lately) where I don't feel like getting out of bed to even look at my computer. This job works for me because I am given a list of tasks and I know I just need to complete it by a certain deadline but I can work on those tasks when it's convenient for me. I don't need to clock in and out at certain times each day. It's all about finding the job with the best fit for you. Maybe you'll find a job with hours that work the best for you, or you'll find one you like so much it wont feel like work and obligation. Another route to consider is speaking to a professional. My mother used to work full time but due to mental health concerns, she has been on disability for a while and I think she is talking to her psychiatrist about going back to work part time. Because of her diagnosis, she can work part time and disability will help cover the hours she can't work herself. but where do you get time for hobbies or things you enjoy if you work all the time? you get the week end but you're so tired most of the time people just sleep it off, and that's your life 24/7? When you get a job, you don't need to start at 35+ hours. You can always start at part time and work your way up. Remember to take things one step at a time. This slow implementation will help you keep your hobbies. Big changes take longer to adjust to and we get exhausted. But changing things little by little gets us used to maintaining everything. Think of it as working out. If you never work out and you go to the gym and try to get on the stair master, and the treadmill, and the stationary bike, and list weights, and run around the track, etc You are going to be so sore and so tired. But if you start with one and slowly add the others, it becomes more manageable. and since i feel like i'll never meet anyone or get a partner, i'll have to do this alone, go home to a empty house, and that's even harder to handle then. your work becomes your whole life and i don't want my work to become my life you know? Love can't be planned. But it strikes everyone eventually. My ex that I've mentioned a few times before, he was the first partner that I've had. Yeah some would consider it late, but that's just when we met. And we didn't meet when we were both out and just bumped into each other. We were on a dating site and were matched up. Nothing wrong with going after something if that's what you want to focus on. But if you would prefer to meet the old fashioned way, you need to be more patient. Remember small goals: you don't need to go out and meet your soul mate today but maybe say hello to someone you find attractive when you go out. It doesn't need to lead to anything as long as you get more comfortable talking to someone you don't know. i think my aunt went through the same thing and my sister too that's why they both hate working but now they're depending on others and i don't want that for me? because what if i end up homeless and on the street then? if i can't depend on anyone. my parents are gonna pass away one day, my oldest sister has a whole family, my 2nd is starting one, and my 3rd sister is the one depending on my parents and not working. my aunt and her are basically the black sheap of this family because of that and i dont want to be that too? what about my retirement plan? if i don't work enough i won't have money when i'm old or i'll have the minimum the country allows but will that be enough to live. i'm ranting and repeating myself now i guess this is just a stressed night. The pieces of your life will fall into place but it's going to take time before you see them come together how you want them to. That's why it's better to focus on the day to day instead of trying to seeing the big picture. Remember when I said that thinking too far ahead is worse for your anxiety? This is exactly why. I know I can fall into this anxiety spiral sooooooo easily. But I need to remember to take baby steps. Let's not look too far ahead. Right now, it would be best to engage in some self care push this aside for a while. When you come back we can look at handling this with smaller steps again :)
and i still don't have my damn driving license. im working on the first stage, but i neglected it bc of the virus a bit and now i'm not getting the good scores i had before.This is reasonable. Unfortunately everyone's plans right now have been disruptted in one way or another because of the virus scare. Don't beat yourself up right now for things that are out of your control. When things get back to normal, then you can focus on this again. i'm also scared of the responsabilities getting my license would mean. i'd have to drive myself around, i won't get any support when i have to get to interviews etc. my mom used to take me to interviews and stuff and would give me advices etc.Even if you drive yourself, you can still ask someone to come with you for moral support. You can go together, she can talk to you like she usually does, you can ace that interview and the two of you can celebrate with icecream or something afterwards. Make a day of it. Just because you are are gaining new skills doesn't mean you need to be more alone. i'm tired of feeling immature and not ready to handle things. i also don't feel like i'd be comfortable driving? like scared maybe? I understand. I can't explain it but my anxiety around driving comes and goes. I drive on highways to get to and from school and some days I prefer to stay in the fast lane and other days I stay close to the edge and I can't bring myself to drive as fast as I probably should be driving. Like everything else, you find ways to cope. I find that listening to my playlist of songs from Train helps a lot. They play cheerful songs with a catchy beat and it's difficult to feel anxious when I sing along to those songs. i just want to feel happy waking up going to a job, not feeling like it's a task or obligations, and live a stressfree life in a small comfy house somewhere not too crowded. It will take time but you'll get there eventually. Through small steps, we can accomplish a lot. i was never stressed before, my friends kept joking about that, i wasn't afraid or stressed when i passed my high school diploma or my 2 years diploma later. i was a bit anxious of the results yes, but it wasnt much. maybe i've been immature about all this and now i'm being confronted to adults realities and i wasnt prepared for it. my parents never told me enough, they're a bit "chill" too. too much maybe. even right now none is helping me figure it out in my family. my mom isnt interested, my dad gets the same about it, and i dont want to talk to my sister about it. anyway i'm gonna watch a tv show to forget all that. sorry about the rant. A distraction sounds like the best thing right now. Calm down and then we can tackle this together.
I'm sorry again for not responding sooner to this one. I really don't know how I missed it. I hope you have been feeling better in the last couple of days. I'm going to look at the other replies you've left and respond to those as well :) Talk to you in a second
@nwaveo I know having a list of jobs you're interested in feels overwhelming because you aren't sure which one to choose, but its great that they are all well suited for you. It would be worse to have a strong interest or passion for something that was unattainable to you and I think you're lucky that this isn't the case. You will lead a happy life no matter which career path you end up pursuing.
That's wonderful that you have already looked into listings around you. I could be wrong in assuming this but it seems like this new interest in funeral assistance seems to be the one you have the greatest interest in so far. I don't remember you giving me as much information on any of the other jobs as you have with this one. For this career choice, you have listed the pros, you've looked into training, you are now searching for listings and looking for experience.
I'm proud of you for how much thought you have been putting into this decision. I am terribly indecisive and usually when I can't make up my mind I avoid doing any research on my options as a way to avoid making a decision. But you have been so proactive in considering the pros and cons and looking for more information on your options.
I think the fear you're feeling is completely normal. It's one thing to discuss future plans and it's another to put those plans into action. I don't know if the fear of "what comes next" ever really goes away. I think instead it just gets replaced with something else. I used to be afraid of what I would do with my life all through out high school and most of my undergrad studies. I thought that fear would go away when I figured it out. But once I picked psychology studies, I worried about finding the right university for me. Then I thought the fear would go away once I made a decision on which few I would apply for. But then I was afraid of getting accepted, which I hoped would go away when I arrived on campus on my first day. But now I fear narrowing down my research interests even further so I can become the researcher I am training myself to be.
The fear might still be with you but that fear doesn't negate the progress you have made. You are still worried about making a decision but that doesn't mean you are in the same position that you were when we started talking. Just by us talking about your options, you have made such big breakthroughs in understanding what you want and what you are looking for in a job. You are left with a lot of options but I think you are looking at each one seriously and that's what's important. The fear we're both feeling about narrowing down our options (you with a career choice and me with a research interest) isn't a bad thing. The goal isn't to remove this fear permanately but rather to manage it so it doesn't take over. This fear in small quantities is good to push us to move forward with our lives. It only becomes a problems when the fear goes unchecked and it grows to an overwhelming amount where we feel stuck.
Thank you. It's nice to be spending so much time with my grandfather again although the circumstances have been unfortunate. I grew up going to my grandparent's house multiple times a week so they could care for me and my sister when my parents were working. They were like a second pair of parents. That's why it was so hard to lose my grandmother and it's been hard seeing my strong grandfather in this vulnerable state. Now our roles are reversed and he's coming to my house a few days a week so I can care for him when his children and his other grandchildren are working. I know he doesn't like relying so strongly on us but he can barely walk anymore let alone cook for himself or clean his home. I'm sure he'll accept the situation soon. It's just a matter of waiting for him to get there.
We are self-quaratining. Like I mentioned before, my campus has shut down so I am coordinating with professors, advisors, counselors, etc to complete my responsibilities remotely. And my parents' have had their hours cut because their work doesn't stay open as long as it had before. My sister had a part time job that has been shut down until further notice because it isn't considered a necessary business. So we're all home under one roof most of the time. We only run out if it's to go to the grocery store for supplies or if it's to move my grandfather between his home and ours.
How is everything where you are in France with this pandemic?
@SecretlyMe will i? lead a happy life no matter which one i choose. what if i think those jobs are suited for me but when i try them i realize they're not, and i wasted years or a training course on them. thank you, i did, tho i realized that the job i told you was being offered is actually just for men. should have figured since you have to carry plenty of weight and what not, but, well. maybe it's just a momentary feeling? because it does feel like i'm the most interested in it right now but like all my ideas i'm starting to second guess my choices, would i really be able to handle it, is it really my thing, typical sigh. i really understand, luckily last time i made a choice (starting that 2 years course) i wasn't stressed for that period of time because i was doing something so i guess my fears were blocked away. and it showed up after that. i think i'll now be stressed over each what comes next tho, and i wish that feeling didnt exist. maybe you're right and i did make some progress without realizing it, but all i see is the days passing by and my deadlines. i said september was the deadline but actually there is alot of them before that, to confirm courses, or apply. i have to finish alot of them before 3rd april. you're right that small quantities of fear pushes us, but don't you wish we didnt feel fear at all. the things we could do. i can imagine how hard it was to loose your grandma if you've been going to their house as a kid, the memories-
@SecretlyMe you made must be tough to remember, that's nice to be taking care of him in his time of needs. of course, i'm sure he will. i see, that sucks for your parents and sister, i understand how it would be, especially in this quarantine, better for your grandpa to be with you all. are you all doing okay with having to live all together 24/7? maybe your house is big and you get to have your personnal space.
i'm in a small village near the sea in France so i guess i'm lucky we're not around much people. but overall death and infected keeps climbing in France, but we're all quarantined until further notice, it's quite surreal sometimes. none is allowed outside except for doctor appointment, getting your meds to the pharmacist, groceries, or for those who are still forced to work. if we do go out we have to print a certificate explaining why we're going out. you have to go to the nearest places around you (nearest supermarket, nearesr doctor etc), if you don't follow those rules you get a 135€ fine, if you don't follow it a second time, you get a 1300€ fine. there are curfews in some countries in France, and they're using the alarm siren used during the second world war to declare the curfew, which is lowkey a bit scary. streets are empty ofc then. My family is okay so far, we're lucky to have a good house and away from people.
@nwaveo Expereince is important in picking the right the career choice but I doubt you will go through all the training in a job before you find that it isn't for you. I think that would be something you pick up on much sooner. And discovering something new about yourself (i.e. learning you don't like _____ about a job) isn't wasted time. A lot of your potential jobs have some overlap and it could rule out a few options and you will be so much closer to finding what you really want to do.
Being a pallbearer is just for men? Here the roll is usually filled by the deceased family. It isn't someone who is hired. But my sister was a pall bearer for my grandmother. She was worried about not being strong enough but she said that with so many people helping her, the casket wasn't as heavy as she feared. Its odd that they would discriminate that way for a job. But I'm sure that's not the only way you could get involved. But like I mentioned in my last message, let's set this aside for a while and not think of jobs. I think you could use a break to focus on something that makes you feel happy... writing? Drawing?
Oh you have a deadline April 3rd? What kind of deadline? What do you need to complete by then and what is it for? Maybe you can still spare a day or so for self care before you worry about that anymore.
My family is doing ok. A little tense after being stuck in the house for so long together but its manageable. We don't live in a big city but we aren't that isolated either. It's best is we just stay home unless we need to run out for supplies and things. It sounds nice that you are somewhat isolated where you are. It must be cumbersome to go to the grocery store and doctor's office so far away but hopefully the isolation helps limit your exposure to the virus.
@SecretlyMe but i know how my family will react if i try so many jobs and quit them if i don't like them. they've done it for my sister. they'll say i'm lost, undecided, and that i'll still be searching at 40. i hate that i somehow care for their opinion. i'm working on that. i guess i lack self esteem. how do i build it tho.
here it's professional who carries the casket. i guess it's not "forbidden" for women, but they mostly hire men yeah. they tried hiring just women in a city once, for diversity, but apparently it failed to be efficient and they never tried again.
Maybe i should yeah, i painted a little yesterday.
i have to complete my applications for the 1st year universities program i applied to for psychology. we use a website in France where you can do them all at once. but i still have to finish them. then in May/late april i'll have to finish the applications for the 2nd or 3rd year applications program in psychology just to try to see if i could directly get into 2nd or 3rd years of psychology with my 2 years diploma. i dont have much faith tho.
That's good then, yeah hopefully it does. being near the sea is really relaxing too.
@nwaveo Seems unreasonable for them to judge you this way if you are trying to discuss these plans with them now and they aren't responding the way you had hoped. Have you spoken to your mother again and ask what she thought about the careers you listed earlier?
Letting go of our parent's opinions is hard to do. I can't say that I have successfully done it. Once my parent's tell me they don't approve, its difficult for me to keep doing. I don't think it has to do with self esteem. Its just a more delicate dynamic because its your parents.
But for building self-esteem, its all about the little things you tell yourself. These little phrases have the power to completely transform how we see our selves and the world around us. I've noticed in your previous messages that you tend to beat yourself up for things you shouldn't apologize for. You use phrases like "I'm immature", "I'm lazy", "I'm not good at adult things".... It helps to reframe these negative thoughts into more productive ones. The more you tell yourself these things, the more you believe it and the more powerless you feel to change your situation. You need to reframe negative thoughts from "I'm not good at this" to "I'm still learning how to do this" Its a subtle change but the new phrasing says nothing about your character or your worth. It onl reflects on the situation and it shows that you are taking active steps to combat it.
Painting sounds nice. I'm glad you are still taking time to take care of yourself in the midst of all this stress you're dealing with. I know it can overwhelming but these breaks you're giving yourself is making this all more manageable. What do you like to paint usually? Landscapes, self portraits, abstract pieces?
Sounds like you have been staying on top of your deadlines which is good. Good luck with the one that is due soon. And it's great that you'll have a little bit of a break before the next round of applications are due. I hope that helps you feel less stressed.
@SecretlyMe @SecretlyMe honestly maybe it's just the lack of communication about things that stress me between me and my family that makes me think they'll judge me. maybe i'm overthinking this and my mom will be like "well at least you tried" because i'm basing my assumptions on reactions they've had before for my sister, who's 32 and without job or a plan. but they're always had a shitty relationship with her because she really gave them troubles during all her life. so my mom is always on the fence with her and can be defeatist about her, and then say thing like "we'll never get ride of her anyway" "she'll never find what she wants to do" it can sound harsh, i admit, tho i'll say my sister really made their life hell. but then it makes me think that they'll say the same about me? but my mom often says it's not the same when it's my sister or us other sister. sadly. so maybe i'm overstressing over this i dont know.
it's hard tbh, i get the same, when they disaprove it's hard to keep going. i'll try your advices for self esteem. when i feel confident i often think "i can do all this" and i'd like for this to be like that always. and i know i often say "im not immature" "im not great with-" but that's because i feel like they're true? i really am not mature and i'm sure you can tell no? but i'll try for sure thank you.
recently, i'm trying to paint landscape! i finished one today! it's relaxing indeed even tho i feel overwhelmed. thank you, i hope it does.
@SecretlyMe i talked to my sister who lives in paris on the phone about my ideas. i didnt fully talk with my mom about it yet but i dropped some ideas here and there while sitting next to her on my computer. she's receptive even tho i'd like her to be more helpful, i guess it's a bit of progress still. my sister wasnt really helpful either but i wasnt expecting her to have the answers. she says she think funeral is really a good career, she said she never thought of it but now that she does it seems really cool. she also likes psychology. only thing that stresses me out for psychology is the fact that it's 5 years and i'll be 29 tbh. i want my life career/job figured out before that but maybe i can't help it. also, should i be a psychologist if i'm not at ease with people? or maybe i think i'm not at ease because i keep telling myself i'm not. but i have no problem with people when i was in school or at work so maybe i'm imagining it? i started actually reading and i loved it. i'm starting to think i should wake up earlier because the days pass so fast. i think my aunt (the one who barely worked in her life) is depressed. and i'm so anxious of having the same life at her age because i can recognize myself in some part of her personality. how has your day been?
@nwaveo You could be very right. lack of communication can sometimes leave us guessing how people are going to react instead of preparing us for what will really happen. It's sad to hear that your parents' relationship with your sister is so strained but it doesn't seem as if they feel that way towards you. Especially since you have been devoting so much time to working through your options and it sounds like your sister has not. I hope that you get a chance to speak with your parents soon, not only to discuss these options that you have talked through with me, but also for you all to better understand each other's feelings. If you aren't sure how your parents feel about your employment status, I have a feeling they don't realize how stressed and anxious you have been thinking about this. Communicating with them will hopefully ease some of your fears and maybe even show your parents how they can help you figure this out with you.
It's not quite the same situation, but I remember when I had to tell my parents about my grades last academic quarter. (Remember I was struggling in school after I lost my grandmother). I tried not to tell them for a while because I was afraid of putting more of a burden on them while we were mourning and as we were trudging through the holidays without her. It was a difficult time for everyone. But I couldn't keep it a secret as long as I had originally planned. I was still waiting for my final grades when I broke down and confided in them. I told them I was worried I didn't do well enough to keep my financial aid, I told them that I thought I needed to find a new career because I couldn't imagine paying for tuition so I could keep attending. I thought they would be disappointed or upset. I thought they were going to say that my only job right now is school and I should be doing better than this. But they surprised me. They said that no matter what my grades turned out to be, I was going to keep going on. They knew how much I had been wanting this and they knew the slip in grades wasn't due to my abilities but due to circumstances. They were willing to take out loans in their names and my name, they were willing to do anything to fund my education. That took so much pressure off as I awaited for those grades to be reported. Luckily the circumstances didn't become so dire that we needed to take out those loans. My point is that if I had kept the secret as long as I was originally planning to keep it, I would have put so much additional stress, worry and anxiety on myself. The situation was nerve racking enough without me adding more stress to it. Communication is helpful when you are spending so much time hypothesizing how someone will react. Instead of wasting the day imagining how they will, just ask them and know for sure.
I don't think you are immature. I think you are still learning how to find yourself like many young people our age are doing. You're discovering what type of person you want to be and looking inward to find your passion in life. Immaturity isn't our lack of knowedge or our lack of plans. I think immaturity is defined by someone's lack of trying or an indifference to figure things out. If we had talked and you said you didn't know what you wanted to do and you didn't want to try to figure it out, then that's immaturity. If you were someone who didn't try to plan for the future but simply assumed everything would magically work itself out without any effort, then I would think you were immature. But you do think about the future (we worry about it too much at times). You think and you try to plan and you are working towards something. You are working towards finding yourself and bettering yourself and taking care of yourself. You are more mature than many people I've met at out age. You only believe you're immature because you have been telling yourself that for so long. It's time to change the message so you can see yourself for who you really are. Tell yourself you are learning, tell youself you are working towards something, tell yourself that you are transforming into the person you are meant to be, tell yourself you are exactly where you should be in this moment (You're not behind schedule or failing in any regard). Tell yourself all this enough and soon you will believe this truth just as strongly as you once believed the lie that you are immature.
I wish there was a way for me to see your paintings but I can understand why 7 cups doesn't allow us to share personal pictures. I'll just have to imagine them. Do you paint landscapes of the area around you? I remember you said you were near the sea, do you paint beach scenes?
I'm glad that you have someone in your life like your sister to talk these ideas through. It seems like she is very supportive of your ideas and encouraging as well. It's hard to say how you will feel working with people as a psychologist if you have never been in that environment before. Only way to know for sure would be to find someway to gain experience. Maybe even start as a listener here on 7 cups. Sort of test the waters to see how you feel about listening, responding and helping people who are really struggling mentally. It's not the same as working with someone face to face, but its a start. Plus you said that you are fine interacting at work or at school. Knowing that you are comfortable interacting at work, and figuring out if you are comfortable talking to people about their problems might be all the information that you need to make an informed decision if you would like this type of work.
I'm glad that you have enjoyed reading so much. And it sounds like this new hobby will give you something new to bond with your mother about. You can have a little book club where you talk about the books that you've both read and enjoyed. I used to do that with my mother when I was younger and I read for pleasure. My mother and I liked similar authors so we always had recommendations for the other when one of us finished our current book. It was great.
I'm sorry that you have felt to anxious about ending up like your aunt. Just because you share similar personality traits with a family member, doesn't mean you are looking at your future. For one thing, we learn from their mistakes. You are already taking steps to finding a job so you wont be like your aunt who hardly worked in her life. There's one difference already. In psychology, we talk about how there is no way to predict the future. John B Watson once said that if given a bunch of healthy of infants, he could mould them all into specialists in different fields. He believed that babies were blank slates and if given the right resources or environment, their future could be shaped or predicted. But his idea has long ago been rejected. There are people with the same resources and same opportunities that choose different paths; there are people from completely different backgrounds that end up the same. My point is that your future isn't dictated by the genes you share with your aunt, the family background that you two share, or the similar personality traits. You are your own person and your future hasn't been moulded for you. It can't be predicted because it isn't predetermined.
I have been doing alright. I feel a little lethargic and a little unmotivated lately. I seem to be going through a bit of a low moment but I'm not alarmed. I have found that I cycle through these ups and downs since I have started counseling. I have periods where I feel more depressed or more anxious or I suddenly feel overwhelmed by grief for my grandmother or I feel heartbroken and rejected when I think of my ex. Lethargy is usually how I feel when the depression comes back. My counselor has told me that this cycle is completely normal. We've been working through a lot and it would be odd for it all to be resolved on the first try. I was told to simply go through the emotions. I can't let the depression take over but I shouldn't try to supress it either. That's why my response time has been so slow lately, I have found it more difficult to go online and talk to others but I'm still doing it little by little. This feeling will pass like it has before; I'm not worried about that. Please keep this in mind if I continue to take longer to reply to your messages. It has nothing to do with you so please don't think I have stopped caring. How have you been the last few days?
@SecretlyMe she has an idea but she had multiple one and "failed" her them, which i guess is what also provoked my fears. she blames my parents for making her agoraphobic and incapable of any human interaction. i'm lucky my relationship with them is great indeed. I don't know how to talk to my dad about it. he doesn't either tbh. he was in the navy too so he's more like "let's move on/get over it" even for himself. we're not a very heart-to-heart family. tho i'll try with my mom, get her advice to start.
i remember! i'm glad your parents were more open-minded than you expected and that they understood it was due to exceptional circumstances, they seem really supporting!
Thank you, you're right that i should be telling myself that i'm just growing and learning. that i should take my time, because like you said i'm where i should be. right. i'll try to remember that.
i used to try to maint portrait, but now i'm a bit more about landscape. i painted one i saw on youtube, and now i'm considering painting one of the landscape around my house. i'll try to see if with a link i can show you my latest.
I mean she was a bit helpful of course but not really to be honest. i can at least discuss it a bit with her that's fine. but she's a bit like my mom, there was a lot of long pause of her not knowing how to guide me. or what to say. 7 cups listener could be a test for sure, but do you think i could be a listener with the stress i'm feeling right now? -
@SecretlyMe do you think psychologist get depressed? or extremely anxious. you're right. maybe after this whole virus thing is over, i could try to get to the library in the next city, familiarize myself with it, and see if they could use volunteers? it would be social. i'm not sure. it could be a book club indeed, and i try to remember what you told me once, to enjoy the moments instead of worrying because one day i'll regret worrying instead of living the moments. also could try to write a bit of a book one day to cross that off my list? maybe. do you still bond over books wkth your mom? what about your dad? do you live at home with them btw? i don't remember if i ever asked!
i'm having bad memories moment caused by the anxiety probably. That's true, she has tempers sometimes but she's a nice person still so it's not like i don't want to be like my aunt per say, i just hope for a better situation. but if i end up like her it would be okay no? it wouldn't be shame? it wouldnt be the best situation but not the end of the world? i'm just trying the reassure myself i think. i like that little bit of psychology fact you inserted, it's interesting, and i should try to not worry too much about that. i just don't want to end up homeless you know.
I'm sorry you've been feeling that way, i'm impressed you're so aware of it being just a passing moment in your life right now but that it won't be forever. it's nice you can just observe it and let it be there-
@SecretlyMe without it overwhelming you too much. i admit i wondered a little but i understand completly that have you to take time for yourself and can't always be there socially, it's okay i completly get it, it's nice that you tell me that way i can understand the delay of response. thank you. i've been feeling near-breakdown stressed and anxious lately because the deadline is approaching and my pizzeria boss is taking his time, but hopefully it'll pass. i try to reassure myself.
@nwaveo I'm sorry that it feels so difficult to talk with your family. My dad is someone I can come to with problems (I might have not gotten good enough grades to keep my financial aid) and he will respond with logic and reason. He will form a game plan so we are prepared for how ever the situation turns out. But he isn't the person I turn to for emotional advice. That's my mother's department. With mom, I can tell her (I am afraid what losing my financial aid package will mean for my future. I am upset that I let my emotions effect me this severely for so long before I reached out for help. I am anxious as I sit at home just waiting for the grades to be posted) She is better at unpacking those emotions with me and giving me tips on how to deal with them My point is that my parents will respond differently to essentially the same problem and it's just taken me time to figure out how to address my concerns with them to get a genuine response. Because if I asked my mom for a game plan or I asked my dad how to deal with the emotions, that conversation wouldn't have been nearly as reassuring. They have their strengths and it just takes time to identify them and work with those strengths. Maybe your dad isn't the person to talk to about your fears in a new work environment. But maybe his "Let's move forward" attitude, is the perfect mind to talk through career options? Maybe he will be more objective and therefore more helpful when making a decision? And maybe your mom isn't as responsive as you had hoped she would be when you brought up all of this last time. But it seems like she is a great listeners when you want to vent about these fears you have been feeling. I obviously don't know your parents as well as I know mine so I can't say for sure that this is the best way to approach a conversation with them. I'll leave it up to your judgement.
That's so cool that you are learning to paint through Youtube. Have you had a Bob Ross Painting session before? It seems to be popular over here. People have had painting parties where they gather a group of their friends and a lot of painting supplies and then they turn on an episode of Bob Ross. He teaches you how to paint in real time and at the end people take a group photo of thier work in comparison to his on the screen. I've never tried but he seems to be a great teacher because those photos show off art work that is very similar to his own. I've only seen a few of his pictures before but it seems like he focuses on landscape scenes as well.
I definitely think you can be a listener on here. All listeners can still have their member account active. So you can anonymously work as a listener helping other and a member still working through your own struggles. I don't know if you connect with listeners often but it might help to connect with someone and see if they can give you more information. Even if you don't, the training is only 30 minutes I think so you wouldn't waste any time to give it a try.
I for sure know that psychologists get depressed and anxious. I think most professionals turn around and get help for thier own problems. They're still human and they make mistakes. It never hurts to talk throught those moments with someone confidential. Plus they should know better than anyone that speaking to a professional is so beneficial. It's one thing to tell someone what to do and its another to know what to do yourself. We aren't as objective with our own problems and we need the insight of someone on the outside looking in. Don't feel like you need to be perfect before you can help someone else.
That's great that you want to volunteer at the library or join a book club or write part of your book. I think that would be great for you. I'm proud of you for trying to remain in the moment instead of worrying too much of the future. I know that's a hard thing to maintain (I have to remind myself of that almost constantly). But the more we practice, the easier it will get I'm sure.
I haven't had as much time to read and my mom doesn't read as much as she used to either. We still give each other recommendations and give our thoughts about a book we finished but it's not the same as before. We don't expect the other to rush off and read it after us and those conversations don't happen nearly as much as they used to. But despite all that, its still nice to have those brief conversations with her. My dad was never much of a reader so he didn't participate. He will talk to us about movies but never books lol. And Yes! I still live at home. So I understand why you sometimes feel stressed about living with your parents right now. I never moved out either lol.
And thank you! Despite being aware of this emotional pattern I find myself in, I still get frustrated with the regression. Just have to remember what my counselor said and try to keep moving. That's all we can do and simply acknowledging that this cycle is normal helps a little.
@SecretlyMe i 100% understand, that's how i see it for my parents too. that's why i talk to my mom more sometimes. and you're right maybe he's more useful for career tips. he sometimes talks about the navy with me. i have not but i heard of it so maybe i'll try one day! thank you for the tip, he seems to be a great teacher indeed. you're right maybe i'll give it a try at some point, it could indeed be good practice. i'm glad to know that, because i do often feel like i should be perfectly stable mentally or in general to be a psychologist. and maybe i'm overthinking all this and it's gonna be completly fine in the end. i hope. it is hard but it was an important advice! i know you're in the research department right now but does that mean you're looking to become a psychologist in the future? or does it mean you're looking to be doing researches on human's psychology? if so, have you considered psychologist/therapist? i think you'd be very good at it. That's okay, you still share an interest! and you can speak about movies with your dad lol. glad to know i'm not alone lol. it's understandable but you have the right attitude and i find that very impressive. not everyone does!
PS: i tried to find a link that would allow you to see my latest painting, i don't know if this will work. but bear in mind i'm still practicing lol. https://image.noelshack.com/fichiers/2020/14/2/1585605899-3d65810e-7d8c-45f4-8107-a29522229dda.jpeg
@SecretlyMe as an update i'd like to say i asked alot of questions on the navy official forums, all answers were encouraging. i just think i need to grow a bit more right now to fully accept what it means to be in the navy, if i do go there. what's stopping me right now is the fact that when you finish "navy school" you get sent to either 2 part of the country, the south or the west. and i live in the west. where i'm really fine because it's a really "calm" "friendly" "small and cosy" part of the country. so it fits. but alot of the navy is located in the south. so i could be sent to the south. and not to be blunt but i really hate the south. i was born there so i know how it is. it's always sunny (im a winter/snow person), the people are way too touchey-feeley, it's always noisy, fully of cars, too big, too loud. the people are too much also. i don't want to sound like a brat or anything. i really don't. it's just not somewhere i would choose to live. especially now that i don't feel comfortable leaving my family. i just need to, like i said, grow, and mature enough to accept the possibility. Lastly, my pizzeria boss is taking way too long to break my contract and give me documents. he said he'd offer me a new contract after the virus thing, but probably a full time one. and not for just 3 months but for a indefinite period one. i don't think i want to accept. for one reason. around may and april i have others deadline regarding potential school and-
@SecretlyMe i was okay with 3 months because it ended in May. But more than that is gonna be, i feel, stressful for me. so i think i'll say no, and find a job later on. i always fear i'll never find other jobs or i'll have to re-do the whole interviews process and i could just stay there and suck it up, but i'll think i'll find a way. i hope. a small "tabac bar" in a town nearer than me searched for someone as a student job, very few hours, even fewer than the pizzeria, would probably only be on sundays, but that'd be okay. anyway, have a nice night and i hope you feel better soon, feel free to tell me everything you got on your chest if you want, i'm here for you too.
@nwaveo I wrote out a response but for some reason it didn't post 
I hope I don't forget to mention something this second time around.
Do you talk about your dad's expereince in the navy often? A recruitment offer will only tell you so much but I think your dad will tell you the pros and cons of joining. And as someone who used to be in the navy and as someone who knows you so well, he seems to be the best person to help you decide whether the navy is a good career choice for you.
My program is preparing me to stay in research even after I graduate. There are people in my program that interested in mental health and psychopathology but I am more interested in learning about how we learn. I like working with kids in the lab to understand how thier beliefs about the world change as they get older. However, before I found out I wanted to stay in research, I did consider being a psychologist or therapist. There was a bit of a gap between when I realized I wanted to pursue psychology and when I realized what job I wanted after I get that degree.
Thank you for saying I would be good at counseling. I think you would be great too. I think expereinces like the ones we are dealing with now make us more prepared to emphathize with others that are going through a tough time. It isn't until we've felt overwhelmed or lost or hopeless that we understand how bad those feelings are. It isn't until we go through tough moments of our own that we can really empathize with other people dealing with something difficult. Some of the most comforting words I hear on this site is "I went through something similiar where...." It makes me feel less alone and it is usually followed with advice on how they got through it. I think that's what makes this site so great and I think that is what distinguishes a good psychologist from a great one. I think that if someone came to you and told you they were having similiar fears to the ones you listed in the original post, you would have some encouraging words for them. I'm not trying to pressure you until choosing this career path. I chose not to go into counseling and that's ok. But I don't want you to doubt that you would do great if you chose to pursue it.
Your painting looks amazing! I love how the colors look more rigid on the stoney mountain and softer on the delicate lavendar plants.
I understand why you would be wearily to move. I know from personal expereinces that I get overwhelmed in crowded stores or busy streets. I always hate to go into the bigger cities near me ESPECIALLY if I'm the one driving there. Everyone has an evironment where they flourish more easily and other that seems to hinder their progress. There's no shame in not wanting to subject yourself to an environment that isn't a good fit. That doesn't make you a brat. That means you are looking out for yourself and you are considering your own needs. I thinks its mature of you to know yourself well enough to know when something isn't a good fit.
And same thing for your job. You know what timeline works best for you and if you didn't want to stay more than three months, then you are not under any obligation to accept a new contract. This job was always meant to be temporary rather than a career. You can leave if you want to go after something new.
@SecretlyMe @SecretlyMe that's okay lol. He doesn't mention it all that often, not recruiting stuff anyway, he's more nostalgic about the thing he saw, where he travelled. and you know, when i hear all the countries he visited, it seems SO cool, like you'd gain so much experience in life by traveling so much, by seeing so much, you def must feel fulfilled in your life a bit after experiencing that, if only i wasn't so afraid of living my home and family right now. and leaving in the south. I don't know if he knows me as well as it seems, but you're right.
I see, research does seems really interesting, does that mean you have to studies 8 years and get a doctorate in order to stay in research? here it does. after you graduate, will you be doing researches about the way humans learn and how the brain works then?
Thank you. I hope i'd be a good one if i go through it. it just seems so out of reach sometimes. You're right, the most conforting thing is hearing people are experiencing things just like you, that you're not alone or crazy. Thank you for saying that because i do often doubt i would do great.
Thank you, glad you liked it even if i'm still learning!
Exactly, i don't like the noise of the big cities or the amount of people in the streets. it's not comfortable. village or smaller cities are cozy, you know everyone, it's small and friendly. you get a nice view (the sea) and nice houses. Thank you, i do think i know myself a bit, i'm just-
@SecretlyMe struggling with some self esteem issues probably. You're right, i put so much pressure on myself because "if i stayed, i could save money on my bank account" i could have more savings, or not accepting a new contract means i'm not mature enough again from my pov. I don't want a career in that field, just temporary jobs to get money. btw, if you want to know how it looks like around here, https://image.noelshack.com/fichiers/2020/14/3/1585747286-850369a3-c29e-4b67-9abf-6831418cbd20.jpeg
@nwaveo I'm sure your dad saw a lot when he was travelling with the Navy. That's nice that he shared those stories with you. I can understand why you would want to follow in his footsteps and see some of those places yourself. It must be frustrating to havee these two differing wants: one to go travel the world and the other to stay close to home and family. I wish I could help you figure out what to do when your wants contradict this way but I honestly don't know.
So for my schooling, I already finished my undergraduate studies which took four years and I had a Bachelor's degree by the end. I just started a five year Ph.D. program last fall. So I won't be graduating for a while... I don't think I will be done until I'm 29 or 30. When I'm done I will either be applying to work as a professor on a college campus. Some campuses allow faculty to do research while they teach courses and others campuses ask faculty to focus just on teaching. If a research campus isn't hiring, another option would be to find a job as a postdoc. A postdoc works under a primary researcher. It's sort of a middle step between staying in school and going off on your own.
Not accepting that new contract from your exboss doesn't have anything to do with your maturity. It might be different if you NEEDED the money (i.e. if you were taking care of dependents or if you had your own bills that needed to be taken care of). In those cases it might be irresponsible to quit a job without something else lined up first. But you don't have those responsibilities right now and you aren't hurting anyone from walking away.
It looks beautiful and so peaceful where you live. I can understand why you would never want to leave.
@SecretlyMe it is SO confusing. wanting to travel but not feeling capable of being on my own, of having the responsibilities that comes with being alone, maybe if i get my driving license i'll feel more comfortable with being on my own? it can't be as scary as it seems? i feel like i'd just panic and drive off the road. i know i'd probably have amazing stories in the navy, but i would feel so disoriented? like an adult. i don't know anyway. did you experience that?
i understand better now, you'll be studying for a while, but you'll have found the job you want to have and that's amazing, i hope at least. both options seems like they would be good either way! Which one would you like to see happen more?
you're right, i just don't want to regret it after, you know. Thank you, it's calming at least, having anxiety there, is better than having anxiety in the main citiy. maybe i could find a job idea where i'd have to stay near the sea or cost? i wouldnt know what tho.
@nwaveo I don't consider my self much of a traveler. I think its because I get anxious getting ready for a trip. I always feel like I might be unprepared and forget something important. I tend to over pack and I spend the trip overthinking instead of enjoying it. But maybe that's just an excuse I tell myself and I don't like traveling for the same reason as you: that I don't feel comfortable being on my own. Either way, I can't say for sure if getting your license will ease your fears. I will say that getting my license did slowly make me more confident in other ways. I went out more in general (to socialize, to run errands, to treat myself, etc). Although I can't say how your feelings about traveling might change, I think you're right that you could feel differently in general when you find a new way to be independent. Getting your license might feel like a big change, but I think it's more the mentality of additional freedom. You are free to leave the home when you want (rather than when someone can take you) and that change can boost your confidence to try new things. And those new expereinces show you that you were always capable of doing these "adult" things on your own that you might feel unsure about now (like going grocery shopping for your family, or driving yourself to doctor appointments, or even stopping at the bank to make a deposit or withdrawal on your own).
I don't have a strong preference whether I get a post doc or a faculty position after graduation. I think the faculty position is more sought after (post doc is seen as a stepping stone rather than an end goal) so of course it would be nice to be a professor right away. But I want to stay realistic. What ever happens, happens. You can't plan out your future entirely. Some moments you need to go with the flow and have faith that it will work out in the end. I will consider myself lucky to recieve an offer for either position.
Instead of applying to the navy and hoping they station you where you prefer, you can find a job wher you have a little more say in location. Maybe the goal isn't to find a job that keeps you close to the sea but to find a job that happens to be near one. Like applying to a library in a coastal city? Or maybe you need a remote job that allows you to work from anywhere so you can live where you want and still have a job you enjoy. For example, working as a graphic designer and work from home in the neighborhood that your family currently resides in? These are just a few examples but I'm sure there are so many more possible solutions to ensure you are comfortable in your environment and still have the job you want.
How are your applications coming along? If my memory is right, the deadline should be coming up soon.
@SecretlyMe i understand. it's so paradoxal because i want to travel, to iceland, norway, for example, yet i don't want to, because i don't feel prepared, like i can handle it on my own. For the license, i'm just worried about liking it you know? what if i don't likeit ? do i just stop going because i'm wasting years. do i finish the year knowing it's pointless because i won't go for the others? if i don't like it it's gonna take a toll on my self esteem or motivation and i'm really not prepared for it.
I applaud you for the mentally you have, truly, are you feeling better than the other day?
honestly feels like a really good job. even booksellers. and i keep an eyes on the indeed app for that, but i can't see any. remote job would be good too, but depends which one i guess? i don't think i have what it takes to be a graphic designer so far, realistically.
thank you for asking, i confirmed them, even thought i'm not sure of anything, at least it's done, i try not to overthink about them now, i tell myself i have a few more time.
a weird pattern has been happening for me right now for a few days, i feel uncomfortable and my heart is pounding during the whole day, then at night i feel relaxed and okay. weird.
@SecretlyMe i think i mistook something, language barrier and all lol. when you said "License" my mind went to Bachelor, because License means Bachelor in France. When you actually meant driving license, so i'll just correct myself. i'm afraid of not liking the psychology bachelor, not the driving license lol. For the driving license my biggest issue is not feeling confident to drive on the road. for example, even when i force myself to take the bike, i try not to take road where cars can drive on, because i fear having the adjust my biking in order not to have an accident. i don't like having a car behind me when i'm biking, feels like you gotta speed up or they'll be too close to you. or having one drive next to me, because of t the fear that if i loose control over my bike i'd just create an accident. and that's for the bike, so imagine if i drove a car.
@nwaveo Maybe it feels out of reach now to go traveling on your own but perhaps there are some steps you can take in between now and your first trip. Like I mentioned in the last message, maybe getting your driver's license (I should have specified which license I meant; I'm sorry) will show you how much you are capable of doing on your own. It could also be a matter of learning new skills from your parents' while we're all stuck at home. I don't know if you cook but that can be a useful skill to have when thinking about going off on your own. Or knowing how to wash your own laundry or other basic maintentence around the home. The more independent you can feel in your home now, I think the less afraid you'll feel about moving out and travelling. You can do a lot more than you realize you can do on your own, its just that you haven't had the opportunity to do it on your own yet.
I was worried about driving when I started too. I think that's a valid fear. We're learning how to operate a vehicle that can cause a lot of damage if done incorrectly. My dad was the one who taught me and we chose to learn in baby steps. I spent so much time driving around an empty parking lot of an abandoned building. He would drive us there and then we would switch. The big empty space allowed me to get comfortable controlling the car without any real danger of crashing into anything. I mostly stayed in the middle of the lot at the beginning and I didn't worry about making sharp turns or staying within the lines. But as I got more comfortable, my dad did make me practice driving along the perimeter of the parking lot, he did make me practice sharper turns (as if there was a car there driving in the opposite direction so I could practice staying in my lane), he did make me practice using my turn signal and checking my mirrors even though we were alone and he even had me master parking the car in a marked space without going over the line. By the time I drove on a real street (and we didn't start on a busy street) I was fairly confident that I could control the car. I knew I could hit the breaks quickly if I needed to, I knew I wouldn't swerve into other lanes, and I knew I could park in a crowded parking lot without fear of hitting the parked cars next to me. Like anything else, learning to drive takes time and we should tackle it in baby steps. No one will put you behind a car for the first time and ask you to drive on the highway.
I do think that I am a better driver than I am a cyclist. When I am a on my bicycle, I worry more about someone in their car hitting me when I don't have protection against a car. I have more control over the situation in my car than I do on my bike. In my car I have more protection, in my car I am sitting up higher and I have a better vantage point of cyclists and other drivers around me. On my bike, I can hit the breaks and the bike will swerve to the side and I could fall off. In a car, the car won't swerve to the side in an emergency unless I purposefully turn the wheel. The car will stop where it is. I personally like driving more than riding a bicycle. Learning little by little slowly built up my confidence and I no longer worry about not controlling the car.
I hope I'm feeling better. Thank you for asking. I'm still sleeping A LOT right now. Maybe it's worse because I'm stuck in the house and I don't have as much of a structured schedule as I used to when I drove to campus each day. But I'm sleeping close to ten hours a night and I still feel tired throughout the day. More days than not, I'm napping throughout the day. I don't like when I feel this tired or unmotivated. And as I've told my counselor, I feel like I need to be careful how I deal with these moments. If I let myself sleep all day and I never force myself to get out of bed, the depression could take over and it will get a lot worse for me mentally. But I also need to remember to not push myself TOO hard either. That can lead to problems as well if I'm not considerate of what my body needs right now. I have to adjust my expectations and be gentle with myself. It's a very fine line to walk and it can be tricky deciding if I'm pushing myself too much or allowing myself to fall back into a depressive state. There's really no way of knowing for sure if I'm handling this correctly other than to learn from previous experiences. Because I have definitely chosen wrong in the past. There's a bit of a learning curve to figuring out how to help yourself in situations like this.
It might take some time for jobs to pop up on the Indeed app. With the virus scare, employers are cutting hours or closing down locations. I can't imagine that many places are hiring at the moment. Maybe it will be worth checking the app again when nonessential businesses like bookstores open up again. Graphic designer wasn't the only remote job that you expressed an interest in. If not that job, I'm sure you can find work doing one of the other remote jobs. If that's something you decide to pursue.
That's great that you completed another round of applications!
You're right that you now have plenty of time before you need to worry about this again. Now that the task is behind you, you can work on something else to take your mind off of it (painting, reading, writing, etc). Is this why you think you feel anxious and uncomfortable in the day? Because you're thinking about the applications? I've had that inconsistent anxiety before. Usually I feel fidgety throughout the day. It almost feels like I should be doing something important but I can't remember what it is. So the anxiety just builds as if I have an upcoming deadline but I feel powerless to meet that deadline because I don't know what I should be working on. Oddly enough, sometimes that anxiety goes away at night like you described. Maybe because we aren't meant to be productive a night so our mind lets us relax when it's too late for us to do anything. I don't know if that theory is true. That was just my rationale when I was dealing with a similar experience.
Have relaxation techniques helped at all to calm down during the day? I don't know if this is what a counselor would suggest (they would probably ask that you find a way to calm down so your body isn't undergoing the unnecessary stress), but I find it helpful to be productive in ANY way in the hopes that the anxiety goes away. Cleaning my bedroom, organizing my closet, work on a hw assignment, etc. Maybe that will help you too. If you shift your attention to something else productive like painiting, writing, cleaning... maybe you'll expel the nervous energy and take the applications off your mind.
@SecretlyMe it makes sense, i'm trying to do that, and i'll try harder in the future, because you're right little steps can make a huge impact and make me more independant. It's nice that your dad taught you how to drive, is it the case for most people in America? it seems he was really willing to go slowly for you so you could adapt, that must have been conforting! i wouldn't imagine having a parent with zero patience or tolerance teaching me how to drive. here it'll be a "teacher" who shows me how to drive, i'm not too worried about the person, because it's a small village and i'm even lucky to have a driving school close by, and it just happens that the person is someone from my neighbourhood, i don't know them but she's apparently nice lady. i understand, you mean you gained confidence over it with times and practices which made you able to not panic like i mentioned. i'm sure that's what will happen to me, and i'm positive i'll force myself to go if i have to, i think i'll like the freedom of going wherever i want with the car, at least i hope i will. it's also a bit nostalgic you know, i won't have an excuse anymore to not go, or it also mean my dad or mom won't ever drive me somewhere again, it's a somehow a bit of a "moving on" phase i think i'll just have to go through.
you're right, it's often other people i fear too when i'm on a bike, than myself. we're so small and fragile compared to cars. i understand, it can be disorienting to loose your routine in a way, if it makes you feel better, you're not alone, i'm sleeping probably 10 hours a day too currently while still feeling tired during the day, i've decided to try to wake up earlier, do you manage to? yeah sleeping too much can definitly bring the depression back make you loose your focus on your goals, have you tried maybe defining a specific hour to go to sleep? and a specific one to wake up. that way you can get 8 hours of sleep and try to strictly not fall into bad habits? maybe you have already. of course, i can see how it would be difficult to balance pushing yourself not too hard and letting yourself go too much. have you tried keeping the same hours schedule you had at university? a bit like you were pretending like you were still there.
Of course, tho you would be surprised at how much job offers i see near my city, mostly because the government asked those who worked in essential fields to keep working so the economy didn't fall into a crisis, meaning farmers mostly are looking for willing people. but i wouldn't go, for the sake of my parents. those offer are mostly for those living alone.
You're right it wasn't, i mentioned community manager i think but what else could be remote? psychologist, navy, librarian/etc, archivist, film/video games, funeral assistant, animal workers, all those cannot be in remote can it? i may have forgotten something, as my memory is truly not functionning correctly.
Thank you! i still got a few more rounds of applications but thankfully that'll wait. indeed, my parents must have sensed my mood being down because my mom suggested we do sports, teaching me how to knit, and bought painting so we could paint. my dad is also trying in his own way. by suggesting awkwardly i facetime my sisters to do board games haha. i'm okay tho no worry. Like you said, i'll try painting again tomorrow, i got an idea to motivate me, reading and maybe writing if i get a story idea.
it's weird because yesterday i felt anxious and uncomfortable, whereas i had already sent the applications, so i shouldn't have felt so? i should have felt relieved. in a small, very small way i was, but i think i kept feeling anxious and uncomfortable because in the end my problem was not solved. i still have so much things to look at, online courses, how much they cost, calling back those online courses for more informations, checking every courses for the studies i'm considering. because the courses i told you i was applying to, were mostly psychology, audiovisual, community manager, and back up options i didn't even mention. Animal worker, funeral assistant, library etc weren't included because you can't apply on the same platform due to their different statut. there's no actual diploma for some of them. it's definitly an inconstant anxiety like you said, and i think your theory seems legit. our brain is programmed to work or be productive during the day, and create a feeling of anxiety at not fullfilling that task, yet at night we feel at peace because we're not supposed to be productive, it makes complete sense.
i have tried them, some are useful, actually most are useful, i probably mentioned it already and forgot, and, i'm glad i actually know myself enough for this, but i usually, weirdly, put the sound of hairdresser and vaccum to calm me down? it's odd, but somehow it helps, and i think that's becasue my mom always used to vaccum my room as a kid, or the hairdresser would always be on, and those sound you hear as a kid, can be therapeutic as an adult, at least for me, even now when she vaccums the living room i can feel myself relax, so really sometimes that's all it takes. when i'm extremly more anxious, other app can help but sometimes i switch between them all. i can see that calming me down indeed, tho when i feel anxious i often don't really wanna do anything, but i'll definitly try to do that next time, indeed, thank you.
@nwaveo I think its very common to have a parent teach you to drive in America. Driving school is only required if a teen is eager to recieve their license before 18. My parents didn't want to pay for someone else to teach me so I waited, which was fine with me at the time. I do consider myself to be lucky to have a patient parent who can sit in the car while I drive circles around an abandoned lot. I remember feeling sorry for my cousin who had to learn with her dad (my uncle). My uncle is the type of person to overeact to everything. Scream if you don't hit the brakes soon enough, shout when other cars get too close, and jump when you're doing something wrong instead of using his words. Not exactly the type of person you want sitting next to you when you're learning to drive and extremely nervous. My cousin was stuck with her dad because her mom refused to take her. Said sitting in the passanger seat with her unlicensed daughter driving was too much stress for her anxiety. At least you know that your driving instructor can't possibly be worse than my aunt and uncle lol
Earning your driver's license doesn't mean you need to lose anything. You can still go out with your parents. The only difference is sometimes you can drive them around and sometimes they'll drive you. You don't have to worry about th elicense changing things in a bad way. You will gain a lot more opportunities and you will still have all the great moments you had before.
I have been trying to have consistent hours with my sleep but I can't seem to limit myself to only 8. Doesn't matter if I go to bed early in the evening or stay up late at night, I will sleep through my alarms the next morning (Yes alarms... as in plural). Plus as much as I try to fight off the sleepiness in throughout the day, sometimes I can't help fall asleep for a few more hours. Similiar to what you said, many people from my department has suggested regulating my schedule by pretending I'm still going to campus each day: waking up at the same time, getting reading, and commuting... to my laptop in the other room so I can get some work done. Easier said than done when I'm falling asleep while reading the textbook and I have these inconsistent hours. I'll keep working on it. I'm sure it will get sorted out eventually if I continue to put in the effort.
That is surprising to hear about how much work there is out there. Essential workers are the only ones going out here too. My family have all been quarantined inside except my dad whose job is still opened for a little while each day. But to accomodate all the employees who are depending on the money, the workers are taking turns. Dad's turn is coming to an end so he'll be able to stay indoors with us for the next few weeks.
Of course, tho you would be surprised at how much job offers i see near my city, mostly because the government asked those who worked in essential fields to keep working so the economy didn't fall into a crisis, meaning farmers mostly are looking for willing people. but i wouldn't go, for the sake of my parents. those offer are mostly for those living alone.
Psychologist sometimes work remotely. Take the licensed professionals you can pay to talk to here on 7 cups. And right now, psychologists who weren't working remotely before, are transitioning to it now with the pandemic. I also think that there are some psychologists that run a practice from their home. The office would be in a separate room from everything else but the commute can't be beat. I don't know what steps need to be taken to run a business like that from a residential address but it could be an option.
Film writing can also be done remotely. As long as you have a method to write down your ideas, you can write from anywhere. I don't remember you mentioning video games before. Does that mean you are interested in coding the software because that also seems like the type of job that can be remotely as long as you have a computer with reliable internet. You're right that not all of the jobs you are interested in can be done remotely but there's more than just graphic designer.
That's great that your family is so good at reading your moods and they are taking active steps to help you during this stressful time. It's great to hear that they are supporting you through this while you work on figuring things out.
A person's work is never done. We always feel like there's "one more thing I have to do". With that mindset, it's easy to get burnt out or feel discouraged from a lack of progress. But that isn't reflective of the work that's actually been accomplished. Yes, I know you feel like there is so much to do and so many decisions to still be made. But don't forget to pause for a moment and simply acknowledge what you've completed so far. Think of all the jobs we've talked through together. Think about how much you've learned about the options you're interested in pursuing. Think about the fact that you made it to another deadline with your applications! I was reminded of this recently when I started grad school. Research is definitely a long term game. Years can go by between starting a study and when those results finally get published. If I only celebrate the final end result, I am going to suffer years before I reach. And if I get discouraged having to wait that long, I might give up along the way. Since going back to school, I have noticed how quickly people in academia jump to plan a celebration. You applied for a grant? Time to party! You took your midterm exam this week? Let's take a day trip downtown and go shopping. You survived another long week? Lets go out for drinks and karaoke Friday night! It doesn't matter if the accomplishment is big or small. It doesn't matter if your work was successful or if you need to try again at some point in the future. The point is that you worked hard and that should be celebrated at each step along the way rather than only when you hit major milestones. I hope this piece of advice helps you feel less anxious about the application.
I do remember you saying you enjoyed the sound of a vacuum or a hairdryer. As long as you have a few strategies that work for you, then you have options the next time you feel overwhelmed with anxiety.
@SecretlyMe
i think that's nice that parents gets to teach kids in the usa, we can do it here too but i'm too old for that now. you're right, but i doubt they'll be driving me alot around as they get older tbh. i understand that it can be really complicated or difficult to manage your sleep shedule while feeling bad, i hope you'll find something to helps with that, maybe ask your mom for advices or help? you said she was a good listener for that. What's your dad job? it can't be easy having to see him go to work with this pandemic. you're right that it can be done for psychologist, i assume it must be a bit complicated to do so tho. Film writing seems like such a unreachable dream tho but you're right, it is. i didnt? i thought i did when i mentioned 3D animation along with film school, it can be for animation movies or video games but that's not really my 1 option right now to be honest, not because i like it less. oh no i'm not sure about codding tbh i meant the general idea of creating video games. but i never really thought about how codding was a part of creating video games. i wouldn't say they're great at reading my moods (i dont wanna sound like a ungrateful daughter by saying that) because like i said once i think, they often think i'm super chill and relaxed, so to be honest they could have done that randomly or thoughts it was just the virus bringing my mood down.
Thank you, it does and it can make me see things differently if i succeed.
@nwaveo Oh its interesting that here in America, we can be too young for our parents to teach us and we have to attend driving school but there you said you're too old for your parents to teach you and you need to go to driving school. Interesting how things like that are so different in our countries.
I think i'm getting better on my own (slowly but surely) so I haven't talked about it much with my mom. My mom always has a terrible sleep routine so I doubt she has much advice on this topic. It's alright.
My dad works at an optometry as an optician. It is a nerve wracking to have him go out for work but at least his hours are shortened and they are taking extra precautions when talking to customers. In fact, they keep the front door locked and greet potential customers through the glass door. If they are in need of emergency help like their only pair of glasses broke and they can't see or they need to see the optometrist, they are let in. However if people are stopping by because they are looking to buy new glasses or they want the frames adjusted slightly, they are turned away. Its not worth spreading the virus if they are just coming by for non essential requests.
I wouldn't know how difficult it is to set up a virtual psychiatric practice, or a practice that's run from home. It might be complicated or maybe its easier because you don't have to worry about owning an office elsewhere. Who know?
I don't know much about the production of video games. I assumed the only jobs required were animation and coding. But I could be completely wrong. Creating an intricate game is all too complicated for me to understand lol
@SecretlyMe
it is indeed! there is technically two options to learn how to drive here, if you're 18 or younger you can be taught by a professional AND your parents, if you're over 18 it can only be done through professionals, parents can't teach us on their own here.
I understand, but maybe she could still relate due to her own complicated sleeping routine.
it's an interesting job! of course, better to be safe than sorry right. opticians here are completly closed off, and if you need to get the glasses you ordered they are delivered to you while respecting the safety distances, but they don't do it all. i'm glad he's going to stay home after.
maybe! indeed.
same for me lol it's way too expensive right now for me to even considerate it soon so i didn't even make much research on it tbh.
@nwaveo you're right. I should talk to my mom about this. It's just that this is one of the areas we tend to disagree with. If my mom has a problem like trouble regulating her sleep schedule, she turns to medications. I'm not against modern medicine but I am a believer that we should try other natural remedies and live style changes first. Whereas she takes a pill at night to go to sleep and another one on the morning to wake herself up, I'm trying meditation to calm down and I keep saying I'll try some light exercises to get the heart rate going. I want to implement these lifestyle changes consistently into my schedule. Once I've been doing it for a while, I'll reevaluate. If there's been enough positive change, I'll keep going. But if it's still not enough I'll consult a doctor to try some new medications.
That's great for all the opticians over there that the stores are closed. Now they don't have to worry about getting infected. Hopefully none of their customers breaks their glasses during quarantine.
@SecretlyMe ah i see! i think you're right to try natural ways first. i've heard of healing frequencies if that helps? i've been meaning to try them but haven't yet, it apparently helps relieve stress and cleanse our bodies. i think there are videos on youtube! i've never taken meds but i assume it can be scary to? especially with the side effects, i understand now why you feel unsure about talking to your mom about it if she's more radical about it. hopefully she understands that's not something you want for now. do you still see your counselor/therapist during the confinement? online maybe, like you mentioned? yes it is indeed for them, for us too. my apologies if i take a bit of delay to answer recently, i've felt less anxious when not using my phone weirdly, forcing myself to watch tv shows and not think about what's coming. i found out one of my old classmate/friend a little was in the same situation than i am, she's older than me a bit, has the same diploma ofc, and doesn't know really what she wants to do. she told she was interested in basically the same jobs i told you which is such a coincidence, she doesnt seem as stressed as me regarding social anxiety and agoraphobia of some sort tho. she's never worked before we got this diploma tho, so maybe a bit. the difference is that she got her driving license. but that's kind of a relief all the same.
@nwaveo
Hi,
Hope this message finds you well. Fear is normal. But also a big dominant to keep you safe; safe from failure, danger, and awkwardness. Those were all my overwhelming feelings. But then one day. I started doing all the opposite of what I felt. And can not tell you how great things are now. WOW... absolutely is exciting. I went from not working, not feeling enthusiastic... unhappy. To motivated and very happy. All I did is push myself. I was scared for too long. It kept me down. My biggest regret now is not believing in myself sooner. Don't let fear enable you. Small steps every day, add up at the end of the month. Stay safe.
@nwaveo Actually if it counts.....I pretty much full on relate! I am absolutly terrified of my future, I already have depression and EXTREME anxiety issues...I once almost fainted in the hallways at school due to just crowds of people..anyways enough about me I truely hope that things get solved for you! But...really things...You are probably feeling anticipateing anxiety in other words i recommend that you pull out a pieace of paper draw down the paper one side negatives and the other side posisives. The negative side haveing what could ACTUALLY go wrong with your future and the positive side with things you could prevent it from happening. It helps a little bit actually...and you should really try to let go of that anticipating anxiety...
@nwaveo and @secretme, guys i just want to say, you are awesome. I really like how you are talking in so big paragraphs and that too back and forth.
Really made me feel joy seeing two people having so nice friendship.
Hope I'm not interrupting your thread
Hope you're all doing great
@secretlyme, @nwaveo
Thanks so much for thinking of adding me to your friends group.
I really appreciate it and would love to join you guys but like @secretlyme said we can talk in a different thread for sake of not mixing up things.
The only tiny problem is i have no idea how to create a thread, so can you guys please help me out with that?
It's okay if you also don't know how to do it, i would understand.
Anyways, hope you guys are doing great, looking forward to hearing from you guys.