Scared feelings
i'm just so scared and afraid of the future.
i feel like i'll end up homeless one day with a failed life and fully depressed. i'm not social, i can't find what i wanna do in life, i feel alone, only have my parents, i have a fear of work, and i'm 👌🏼 this close to having agoraphobia.
@SecretlyMe I wouldn't say it didn't help, but maybe i expected too much from it, obviously my anxiety isn't gonna go away because someone listen or try to give advice. tho the last few i've had were better than the first ones. i understand what you're saying tho.
i'm not really shy with listeners either, i tell them almost the same things i say here, sometimes i take shortcut because it's just too long to repeat everything each time, i wouldn't say i'm shy, just not socially comfortable. writing is okay for me, videocalling or in person is the stressful part. i've got no problems sending emails to universities, but i never answer calls right away, i let them leave me a message, hear what they're saying, prepare my sentences for when i call back and it takes me days sometimes to even call back. it's not different with listeners, i guess they just don't all understand, and that's okay, like 7cups generator says when you're contacting a listeners, you don't always find the right one but you can change. i'm talking to some right now who are more helpful so don't worry.
i've heard of BetterHelp, thank you, i really can't afford to spend money on it right now tho, i'm trying to keep the money i have for the courses i want to try, if i try them. they're cheaper online i think, depending where you look but i'll consider it for the future.
Sanvello is a really good app to be honest, probably better than 7cups overall for me, i'm taking down notes of all those you mentioned, who knows i may use them. never had a panic attack before, but would rather be prepapred if it happens one day.
My sister and i fight alot to be honest, she's still my sister and we have quite some bonding moments and i know she's very sensitive so i would never wish her ill but she has a tendency to get hot and cold on the regular, she was diagnosed bipolar years ago, but stopped taking her meds and it's been like that ever since. Actually, the story of your grandfather and mother is quite similar to mine, i did some digging myself and actually found my mom has some negative reactions to my grandfather sometimes because he used to be violent with my grandmother, and uncle, who then became violent with my grandmother too. kind of a domino effect. anyway, it's similar to your story and explain why she often react the way she does, even tho she still loves her father. fun fact he once robbed a bank? sounds pretty badass to me. and failed, less badass. but oh well.
Oh of course, it's frustrating but i don't hate these people and am fully aware everyone got their struggle, none can live a life without struggle i reckon. everyone has their daily struggles and some seems okay while they're struggling the most. it's only frustrating when it comes to social anxiety for example, when you see those people who don't seem to be having a hard time witht that.
Here, you pay zero euro if you're seeing a psychatrist, by a therapist isn't considered a doctor in France, so for a therapist it's not the government who pays. some insurance do cover it here too, but not all. and from what i've gathered it could be 60€ a session, but i could be wrong.
Maybe, i do fear i wouldn't be responsible enough to learn on my own online but who knows.
you're absolutly right, tho i don't feel like quarantine is tiring my mental health out. sure i get more time to overthink, but i think it's healthy in a way, it makes me able to focus on questioning what i want to do, without this quarantine i don't think i would have figured ou what i figured out so far, since i seem to struggle doing two things at the same time, i would have just pushed it back til the end of my contract and would have had to figure it out in shorter months. honestly my stress isn't coming from quarantine, or the virus, at least it doesn't feel so, but i could also not realize it. everyday i'm stressed and anxious but not about the virus, about the future, jobs etc. only few things that stresses me about this virus is my parents health. and maybe the economics impact it'll have on the country and jobs. I hope it doesn't sound insensitive and i know how hard to can be for people.
I hope it has, i try to spend more time with my family, today we were gardening. i've checked family albums photos, kept knitting.i'm okay tonight, i feel okay, the thing is i'm not sure i'll feel the same tomorrow, and that's what annoy me the most about it. i'll be okay one night and feel like i should do this do that like i CAN do this and that and the next day i'll be back to thinking 'what if". tonight i'm telling myself i could do that summer job in my village (if confinement is over). let's see how i feel tomorrow.
I think quarantine might really have bad repercussions on your mental health, it's normal for it to, but you're right that falling asleep on your computer right after class can't be comfortable and good for you health, you might be more mentally exhausted than physically at first? but being mentally exhausted plays a role on your physical exhaustion. so maybe you're putting alot of pressure on yourself with your exams and uni works, knowing you're all by yourself instead of having your teachers there to help and it's starting to affect you. have you tried to contact one of your teacher? ask for advice. you could even ask them how to deal with online classes. they're here for that.
I understand, it must be extremely serious tho if your father is worried about you falling asleep while driving, if i may ask, what do you do during the day beside uni work and classes (and sleeping ofc) ? because maybe the problem is that you spend your whole days doing uni work, and i know you said you didn't have hobbies beside paiting your nail, but have you done an activity you liked just to relax in a way? Maybe you could find something that relaxes you, that you enjoy doing, it could..... baking? or playing soccer outside? or board games? video games? designing clothes? cutting your parents hair? if they allowed it of coure, it could be anything that relaxes you to be honest. maybe if you found the strenght to add something between your studies and your sleep, it would be good for your mental health and therefore your sleep schedule? the routine part is true tbh.
you are trying and that's already progress, like i said, lay off the pressure off your shoulder and give yourself a break. you're doing good, you're trying and fighting it off, it's more than enough already, soon you'll see changes and if you don't, you won't be alone to endure it.
he doesn't need to have a solution, talking to him in these dificult times surely can bring a little bit of relief for you hopefully.
someone told me recently to just not care about anything, like switching a power button in your mind and going like "who cares" in your head and it's basic but i find it useful in a way. not sure i'll say this tomorrow so i'm writing it down right now, but having a no care attitude can of course have negative effect sometimes, but i find the positive one stronger overall, for me, it could go like, don't get accepted into psycho uni? who cares i'll apply next year. don't know what i wanna do rn? who cares, i'll figure it out. socially uncomfortable? who cares, they're just people. like you and me. it's the most basic advice i've ever gotten, but somehow it made me want to start thinking like that. thought maybe that little piece of advice could help you too.
As a bonus, i received documentations on animals jobs, my mom was suprisingly very interested in it. i was freaking out as she was reading it because my dad decided to sit next to us as she started, he wasn't paying attention but he would hear any comments she made on it, and i didn't really talk to him about my ideas tbh. but it went smoothly, she didn't make much comments. only later when we were alone. i tried to ask a few random questions about the navy but i think i come off as "mocking" when i ask sometimes, it's a nervous reflex but if he sees it as me mocking the navy in a way, it would explain why he was grumpy and cold when i asked the two questions before i dropped it when i noticed. it's fine, it's whatever. i'm not upset over it. However, my mom asked if i had news from my boss, i said no why would i have news? i got paid last month, i'll be paid this month too, end of. he dealt with the law stuff already we don't need to contact each other much anymore. and my mom said maybe they'll re-take me after this. i was going to say they prob won't have the money soon, and it was just a 3 months contract anyway, i'm not interested in more you know, but my dad was quick to beat me to it? he went "she can maybe find something else tho" as if the pizzeria job bothering him, he said it twice. i wonder what that was about tbh? was it becaus he had to drive me there and it was annoying him, or because it's a fast food job and he want better thing for me. who knows, i won't overthink it anyway. but it was odd. Lastly, right now (again, not sure how i'll feel tomorrow) i feel like i should do the online course for first year, if i can, while figuring it out between animal job or funeral job, or library or finding a job at my town hall(?) or finding a small jobs (not fast food tho, i dont think it's my thing, it's always rushed) in my village. i think i should wait a bit for the navy, i'm clearly not ready yet, i can apply til 30 years old, maybe i'll be mature next year. i should also focus on my driving license FIRST, but i think i should do psychology online, and get over my fear of going to the city where it's located, it's only twice in a year, right? and maybe my dad can drive me.
anyway, hope you slept okay last night.
@nwaveo I'm glad that you found a long term listener to talk to on this site. I understand what you mean about typing messages being easier than speaking face to face or over video call. It's easier when the other person can't see on our faces how the situations we're dealing with are effecting us. I'm also glad that you have Sanvello which you've found helpful.
That must be difficult to have a relationship with your sister when she is bipolar. Bipolar runs on my mom's side of the family so I'm familiar with those kinds of mood swings and difficult conversations.
I'm sorry that your mom and grandfather had a similar relationship to my mother and grandfather. After I found out the whole story, I really sympathized with my mother for being the bigger person and help my grandfather in his time of need despite how he treated her. Sounds like you mom is really amazing too to do the same for her father. I don't think I would be as helpful if I had been in either of their positions. I know it's hard to turn your back on family but I think it's even harder to forgive people who have wronged you that badly. Sounds like we both have some incredibly strong and brave mothers. 
I understand that paying for a counseling appointment (or for a service like BetterHelp) might be out of your budget right now. I think it's great that France doesn't charge you to pay to see a psychiatrist though. That sounds amazing. Is it difficult to get a referral to see one? Do you need to get a referral before you can schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist there?
I don't think quarantine is directly effecting our mental health. I think it's great that your anxiety hasn't risen because of quarantine or the virus. But I think the lock down has given a lot of people like us too much time alone with our thoughts. We have more time for those "What if" thoughts to sneak up on us like you were mentioning. But I'm glad that you are finding it helpful. I think that's very positive of you to find the silver lining in all of this. You're right that you have more time to think over your decision and more time to look into your options.
Of course you don't sound insensitive. Those are both legitimate concerns right now with the pandemic. They are two big reasons that we all hope things go back to normal soon.
I don't know if I am doing enough in a day to be mentally or physically exhausted. You're right that I haven't been doing much outside school work, 7 cups, and sleeping. But its really not that much school work because sleeping has taken over so much of my day. I'm just doing the bare minimum each day so I don't fall behind. I'm turning assignments right before they are due so my grades don't suffer. And right now I'm at the beginning of the quarter so I haven't had that much work yet. I know more is coming before the end of the quarter: presentations, mentoring, exams, etc.
When I'm not doing those three main things, I'm helping my family take care of my grandfather (Dad's dad). If the quarantine has been hard for us, it's been especially hard on him.
But I'm trying to make time for other things. Today I did my nails in a different way. I didn't do a super intricate design but I chose 5 different shapes of polish (black, navy blue, royal blue, sky blue, baby blue) and I put one color on each nail. Darkest on my pinkie and lightest shade on my thumb so it has a gradient effect.
I also made time to bake cookies last week. I like making cool whip cookies because they taste really good and they're soo easy to make. But that's only two things for fun in the last week (and I really only have time on the weekends because I don't have deadlines that I'm rushing to meet).
I have tried talking to my advisor about feeling tired. Like a lot of people, they said it was normal. She said that she's been acting depressed even though she isn't feeling depressed and she suggested that I'm going through the same thing. I'm not so sure. But regardless, that conversation wasn't that helpful. But if I'm honest, I wouldn't know what to ask for from her. I can't ask to not turn in my work or not attend class.
You're right. My counselor doesn't need to provide solutions for the conversation to be worthwhile. It will still be great to just talk to him about what's happening and get his insight on what he thinks.
That's really good advice. I think that's really helpful for us in situations where we're overthinking. I think anxiety causes us to worry and fixate on things that aren't important. So it's good advice to just let it go because "who care?"
That's wonderful that your mom worked with you today in looking into the animal jobs. I'm glad that you were able to spark her interest and she is showing support in one of the options you are considering. Your dad's reaction does seem kind of odd. We've been speaking for a while and I have never gotten the impression that you were mocking me when you ask me questions. I can't imagine you would sound differently in person.
Sounds like you are making plans for when lock down ends. That's great! I wish you luck on making progress with your driving license. And I hope you find a solution when it comes to taking exams for online courses. I know how tough it is to drive to the city and I hope that you find a solution that's manageable.
@SecretlyMe
oh no i didn't, just temporary ones sometimes that helps but not long term one. thank you tho.
it kinda is, but i tell myself if i was in her place i wouldn't want the whole family to judge me for it or hate me for it so i try not to "blacklist" her so much, but she's sometimes hard to deal with.
I agree, i'd like to correct something tho, i got the impressions or misundestood what my mom said, and apparently my grandfather was not violent with my grandmother. they just both yelled at each other constently and ended up divorcing but he was not physically violent. my mom explained he went into depression later and when i asked for what reasons she said she didn't really know herself, life in general, he had a bit of complicated life as a kid but that's it. it's important because it shows you don't need a reason to be depressed; he went into some kind of "rest home" later on. my uncle however, the one who died young, was the one who became violent with my grandma later on, because of drugs and i guess mental struggles. unlike my grandma, he didn't end up in a "rest home" but he went directly into a psychiatrist hospital. i don't know how it is inside of those, but i can imagine it's scary.anyway.
it is! we don't pay much for doctors sometimes not at all. or hospital tbh. Not really, all you need to do is go see your refering doctor, explain what's going on, your mental struggle, they'll determine if your conditions require a psychiatrist, but in general if you request one they'll just agree to send you to one. But yes you do need a referral before seeing one! not for psychologist tho obviously.
you're right that isolation can make us think too much. and it can be good and bad.
i understand, i've read you're trying to do thing for yourself now and i think that's really promising! i hope it works and tell me if it does, but i truly think not letting yoursel drown into responsabilities can be good for you and make you more "aware" and brighten your mood, spending times with your family doing maybe board games and such could also help.
has spending time with your grandfather been good in general? how is he doing?
i'm glad you focused on your nails today, you seem to really like taking care of them and that's good! maybe you could do your mom's for fun? lol.
two thing for fun is already better than none you did before, remember you told me to always apreciate the progress i made, and you're making progress here. cookies/baking is fun indeed, i'm glad you found something!
i'm not sure that's your case either. i think the isolation and the changes coming from it affect your mental healthy because you had maybe this bit of routine you were doing at uni and it completly changed now and adapting is hard, and tiring. i don't think you can be acting something but not really this something. i'm sorry the conversation wasn't that helpful, if i remember correctly your next counselor appointement is today no? maybe he can help better. No of course, you can't ask that but at least she'll understand better if you struggle more than usual and might not hold it against you.
yes exactly, i try to tell myself that about jobs and education. who cares if i don't find one right away, or if i don't do this training, i'll do it later, or when i'm ready, i've got at least still many years (?) with my parents, i try to ignore my fear of them passing away, they're 64, it's okay, but this who cares attitude helps a little at least, even if just a little.
Well she didn't really work with me lol, but she checked it out at least then we moved on from it. she at least checked it all. i'm not sure why he was that way to be honest, but he was checking something on his phone alot so maybe it was just a bad time. that's okay.,
thank you, i don't feel as confident as when i wrote the last message and i hate the comes and go but i'll be okay. i hope your sleep schedule gets easier to handle.
@nwaveo I understand the struggle of not wanting to backlist your sister but still feeling the stress of her diagnosis. Not only did my family have to go through similar situations with my grandmother and uncle on my mother's side. And it's not that different to how I feel with my grandfather who has been struggling with his health problems. Obviously I still love him despite the circumstances and I would do anything for him. But I can still acknowledge the strain and stess we all feel from how much he needs help. Being on call 24 hours for 3 or 4 days at a time is tiring and takes a toll.
That's a relief that your grandfather was not violent. Despite that, your mother is still a forgiving and patient person to take him in after thier strained relationship growing up. I'm also sorry about your uncle. I've never been in a psychiatric hospital either and I can't say how it is inside.
I think you're right that I need to "brighten" my mood more. My listener friend and my counselor both agree with that too. As my counselor put it, I have been working for months to separate my stressors and structure my schedule so I am not so easily overwhelmed by all the things that have happened recently. Academic stress? I went to my office on campus to work in solitude. Family stress? I was at home with my grandfather. Emotional stress (mourning, depression, anxiety, heartbreak)? I have my room and occasionally I had my car when I was commuting. Since last fall, I was working so hard to designate each stressor to only one area (don't deal with family stress in class or in my office, don't deal with school work in my room or when I'm taking care of my grandpa, don't deal with emotional stress in public like on campus) I was prioritizing so I had time to attend to all three sources of stress but I wouldn't try to deal with all three at the same time. Each had a time and place. But now that I'm locked at home, I lost that structure. I need to deal with all three stresors in the same environement and often times they overlap. I try to work on school work while I'm sittting in the living room with my grandpa who needs help going to the bathroom near every 15 minutes. I could be in my room trying to work and suddenly thoughts of anxiety and depression take over because that used to be my space to do that so I suddenly can't concentrate on reading.
That's hard on its own but I've also been made aware of the little things I used to do for myself that I haven't been able to do lately. Many are money related like taking myself out to eat lunch or going shopping (didn't even have to be anything extravagent I just miss going out to buy new shampoo or buying new clay face masks). I also miss just driving alone when I commuted bewteen home and school each day. I liked having part of my day not dedicated to dealing with academic, family or emotional stress. I could sit there alone with no expectations (except to not crash of course :p) and maybe I would sing along to the songs playing on the radio. I listen to music at home but it's not the same as listening to music alone.
So the lesson here is I need to find ways to "escape" the constant pressure and stress I feel at home and I need to find new ways to treat myself when I'm here.
I think it's great that this "Who care?" stategy is working for you a little. I know you wish it could erase the fears entirely but I think it's a good thing that it doesn't. If you stopped caring entirely, you wouldn't be motivated to put in the effort you've been doing. "Who cares?" is meant to bring your anxiety down so it doesn't overwhelm but we still need a little bit there to push us forward.
I read on the other thread that things sort of back slid with your parents. I'm sorry.
@SecretlyMe
yeah it's a bit tricky isn't it? it's your family so you want to help, you feel like if you were in that situation, if your health wasn't good, mental or physical, you would want people to help or understand. so you try to take it upon yourself. i can imagine it can definitly take a toll on you to care for your grandfather like that, hopefully he's not grumpy, moody or ungrateful about that? i know my sister has been helped all her life by my parents, she recently saved money last year to go to asia and she went, but she hadn't saved up enough money so my mom spent 10k money on her, finding her hotels, foods, etc etc. because she didn't want to come back until her visa was done. yet she kept messaging my mom complaining, how she never contacted her before (she did), how the package gift my mom sent her for her birthday was not "essential", etc etc. so it makes sympatizing a bit hard.
Yes of course, i'm not sure i mentioned that before and the way your sentence was worded made me think i may have not, but my grandpa passed away a long time ago, i actually never knew him. he died in a car accident, he's not with us at the moment, but my mom was indeed strong back then to still forgive and care.
I think it seems you've figured out already a major part a what's going on with you recently, that's very self aware so that's good. designating each stressor to only one area each is a really good way to handle anxiety and stress, of course it's less good when you're stuck in quarantine and have to handle them all at once like you said. Maybe you could define certain part of your house as your new stress thinking area. your room for academic stress. living room for grandpa. garden for emotional stress? and keep a room for stress relief, where you try not to think about all them and just enjoy an activity. maybe it could be garden actually, do you have one? you could isolate yourself and listen to music on headphones there.
sometimes i wonder why we need a little anxiety to push us forward, why would a situation where you're stressed and anxious while doing something be better than a situation where you can not care while still doing the same thing?
it did, some of the tension comes from my sister going back to hibernation, barely leaves her room, when she does she only comes to eat and leaves quickly without a word or she makes remarks. other tension comes from the virus. my dad is starting to sound pessimist. about life in general. acting like he'll die soon at 64, my mom told me again "what will you two do if we pass away before you found something?" she says she's talking specifically about my sister who's 33 than me because i still have time. but yeah, the fact THEY are scared of that doesn't help MY fear of that tbh. hopefully it doesn't stay that way long.
@nwaveo Your sister is lucky to have such an understanding and loving family. Some people would have left after being treated that way but she's lucky that her bipolar disorder hasn't pushed you guys away. She's also lucky your family has the resources to help her when she's traveling and doesn't have the money. I don't think my family could pull together that much money for me lol especially if it was because I went traveling before saving enough money for it.
I'm sorry that your parents are feeding into your fears with those types of comments. Do you think they know how much you are effected by comments like that? You're probably right that these things they are saying are more directed to your sister but it doesn't make it any less difficult for you to hear. It also doesn't sound like either of your parents are very direct people when it comes to communication. That's why a lot of their comments leave you feeling confused on what their intent could have been and maybe that's why your sister doesn't feel pressured to go out and look for a job. Would it be too stressful or weird to hold some form of informal "family meeting"? Maybe air out how you have been feeling stressed lately and walk them through how you have been working through your options. It might also give them a chance to have a conversation with your sister about their expectations. That might be difficult with your sister's unpredictable reactions but I imagine it would be better to speak openly and directly. That sounds more effective than you trying to decipher their comments towards you and your sister ignoring the passive agressive comments towards her. I know wach family is different so I ask you: does that sound possible or impossible?
My grandpa has his good days and his bad days. Yesterday was a really bad day. But today has been a little bit better. Like I've mentioned before, he seems to be declining pretty fast after my grandmother passed away. He's gotten to the point where he really can't walk or even stand on his own. Since last week, he can't even sit down without completely leaning on his left side. He's also begun hallucinating. Although the hallucinations have just begun, they are really taking over. He trusts us enough to let him know what is real and what isn't (yesterday was a struggle to get him to sit down because he couldn't see a chair behind him) but that doesn't mean he hasn't been disoriented a lot of the time. It's just been tough to be there and be strong for him right now when he's declining so quickly.
Thank you. I feel a little better after making that realization on what was going on but it will still be a while before I'll start feeling diferently. I wish I could designate different times/areas to different stressors like you suggested but I think that's one of those "easier said than done" scenarios. Before, I could focus just on work and not taking care of my grandpa because I was physically away from him. I knew someone else was there and thinking about him when I was at school wasn't going to accomplish anything. But it's not exactly the same here. Just because I'm designating time for "just school" doesn't mean that I can just ignore his calls from the other room. I might be trying to focus on assigned readings but he still needs help getting to the bathroom regularly, he still needs someone to make him food and fetch his pills, and make sure he's comfortable. It's really not possible to schedule an activity that doesn't overlap with "family stress" of taking care of my grandpa.
I understand how you feel about anxiety. I wish it could be completely gone from my life too. But then I think about how there is good stress and bad stress in our lives (eustress and distress) and I imagine that anxiety works in a similar way. This might sound corny but the way I remember to be grateful to eustress is through a "story" that was shared with me on the Wysa app I told you about.
It compares your mind to a king and your body as it's kingdom. And you can imagine the kingdom being attacked by an onslaught of enemies like deadlines, money matters, health concerns, etc. In the story, the king turns to his military commander Eustress to defend the kingdom from these attacks. Eustress makes sure that he has plans prepared in advanced, he takes care of his troops so they are well fed and rested for battle, and for that he's mostly successful against the enemies.
But the king wasn't satisfied with only being prepared for enemies that were currently attacking, he wanted Eustress to be so prepared for battle that the kingdom was never attacked again. This forced the commander to be on high alert and in turn he forced his troops to always be in fight mode. But forcing your troops to constantly be in fight mode led to soldiers falling weak and tired. It led to the kingdom losing even more battles than before. The troops didn't understand that the order came from the king and blamed Eustress for treating them so poorly. They renamed him Commander Distress and feared him instead of loving him as they had before. Even now when the troops hear the word "Stress" they are instantly frightened by how they were treated under Distress and they have completely forgotten the happiness and order that they recieved under Eustress.
I know its a corny story. But it did its job for me and it's one of those silly stories that I remember. Stress itself isn't bad for us. It's just how we respond to the stress that can be harmful to us. I think it's the same with anxiety (I feel like most of my anxiety is just an accumulation of too much constant stress on my body). There has to be some positive benefits to anxiety in small doses. It is simply trying to get us to think about our future and prepare for what's coming. There's nothing wrong with planning for the future (we can make a to do list of chores we need to do, have an idea of what we're doing next week, planning a vacation before we actually leave so our itinerary is filled with fun activites, etc But in our case, we are taking that good intention and forcing it to work harder than it is intended to be used. Now we are OVER thinking and we worry about not having ENOUGH planned and we're running the troops ragged until they collapse! I think a little stress and anxiety is good to push us to be the people we are trying to be. But we run into problems when we allow ourselves to be overrun by either one.
@SecretlyMe
oh, my family doesn't have the ressources lol. that's why it's so tensed now. and that's why my whole family can't seem to get along with her. the money my mom sent, were their savings, for when we were meant to move out to out house here. it was 400€ here, 300€ here, i even myself had to give her money, from my savings because i didn't have a job. in the end they gave her 10k something overall. because she stayed for months living off it. and you know, helping her with money, i would say is "okay", i mean they've helped my other sister with money when they were younger and broke, it's okay. it's a huge amount but you know, it's their daughter so it's "okay", what's not okay is the way she reacted to that. of course i would hope my parents could help me if i had been in her situation, but i would have been grateful? i would have came home as soon as i could have. sometimes it's difficult to come back immediatly because of visa and so. but staying, what, 4 or so months living off their money because you're too stubborn to come back? then being rude and disrespectufl about it? she managed to make my mom cry. it created fights between our parents, because my dad didn't know how to help my mom manage it. it was just a whole mess. it's not the giving her money that's the wrong part, it's the reactin afterwards. i should kept the long messages where she ranted to my mom about how she was a awful mom who never loved her.
no they don't know, and that's fine. i just made a small comments saying "you don't need to stress us out with this really, i'm aware of it." something like that, but i never implied how it really stressed me out.
it wouldn't be possible, honestly, this is just not the kind of family we are. we don't sit around a table and talk about our feelings, how we feel, etc. my mom and i sometimes talks, mainly about my sister and father. but not as often now that my sister lives with us again, simply because she always eavesdrop. i know it's healthy to do something like that, and if one day i get a family, i'll probably do that, but right now, this could never happen in my family.
I'm sorry your grandpa has been getting worse since your grandma, it must be hard for him and for you, it's good that he sometimes trusts you enough to comply and do what you're telling him. have you been able to get him checked for the hallucinations? maybe by video calling his doctor i meant. or is it something he'll just have to accomodate himself with? i can imagine it can be hard for you and your family. have you been spending time with him as in playing board games maybe? or just talking.
Of course, it's always easier said than done. it's always going to be harder to ignore something that's next to you/your room, you've got to adjust your time now, you've got to be ready 24/7, i can understand that, maybe you could, however, read a book before going to sleep, or doing a 5mn meditation session, as he would be sleeping, you wouldn't have to be on alert. it's just a thought, it's not necessarily do-able i'm aware. soon this confinement will be over and you'll be able to go back to your routine, don't worry.
i think it's a very interesting story, and i understand the underlying message here. it's just hard to see how anxiety can have positive benefits in small doses? i get that it does prepare us, allow us to enticipate, but isn't that coming from the distress part of anxiety/stress? isn't, our fear of not having this planed, of not being prepared, oh running into the unknow, what causes us to prepare and anticipate? doesn't that mean that make it unhealthy then? is that not what's being say sometimes, "never do anything based on fear"?
@nwaveo I understand that your sister's reaction might seem off because of the bipolar. My mom used to tell me stories about my uncle who is bipolar also. He also struggles to maintain a job and he struggles with addiction. When they were younger, my grandmother would give him money all the time to bail him out. My mom used to think it was unfair because she had to work for her money and my grandparents weren't as lenient with her. And although, my uncle seemed to get money anytime he asked for it, he still stole from his family. My mother was devastated when my uncle pawned a necklace from my great grandmother. This happened when they were kids so I don't know how it looked like but my mother said that her grandmother wore it everyday. When she passed away, my mother wanted that necklace and her mother said she would hold on to it until she was older. She never got to have it because it was stolen and sold by my uncle when he was a teenager. My mom says that my uncle was always able to get away with anything that she always seemed to be the one that was punished for his behavior. I know it must be hard to see your sister getting what she wants, especially when she acts ungrateful and you know how much your parents are sacrificing. I hope that your family can find a way to resolve the tension in the home some how.
I'm sorry about my grandfather too. My dad was drove him to his house yesterday so he can feel more comfortable in his own home. (Not alone though. My aunt and uncle will both be spending the night over there to watch over him until he comes back here) But just getting into the car was painful to watch and laborious for him. We needed to get a step stool for him, we worked together to lift some of his weight and the whole process (from stepping outside to closing the car door after him) took about an hour. We would like to speak to some of his doctors but they are harder to get a hold of right now because of the pandemic. In fact, a few of his doctors have cancelled appointments rather than holding phone appointments with us. It's frustrating. The crooked neck and dellusions are unfortunately common for someone who has been battling parkinsons disease for as long as he has. They are expected in the last stage and that all worries us a lot. It would be difficult to lose him so soon after losing my grandmother.
Keeping him occupied has been challenging. His vision is almost gone completely and his hands shake so violently now that sometimes eating and drinking can be a real challenge. So we've tried many of his favorite activites: cards, dominos, jigsaw puzzles. But he gets (understandably) frustrated with how challenging these activites are for him now. We would play his favorite music because he loves to sing but he has been severely depressed since my grandmother left. So we're stuck with just turing on the television for him and watching his shows together. We react to the screen more so than if he wasn't there to spark little bits of conversation. But even talking with him can be a challenge. I think its a symptom of the parkinson's but he's more difficult to understand lately. He mumbles more and that could be losing control of his facial muscles.
You're right that what we get from eustress can be similar to distress too. I think it's all about crossing an invisible line between what we need to prepare for and what we're over preparing for. Like in the story, it was good to defend the kingdom only when it was under attack from enemies. There's only a problem when we're defending ourselves, using up resources when there isn't an enemy to defend ourselves from.
In my case, it would be important to prepare for an upcoming presentation but I shouldn't allow my anxiety into preparing multiple presentations because I'm imagining multiple scenarios that most likely wont happen (prepare a presentation without visuals in case there are technical difficulties, prepare more material in case no one in the audience participates in my open ended questions, etc) That would be defending myself against imaginary "enemies". In your case, it is important to think about your future but it doesn't need to be on your mind 24/7. You need to think about it enough to be prepared for upsoming deadlines but you by no means need to have it all figured it out by tomorrow. Is this making sense?
@SecretlyMe
how is your uncle doing today? does he still struggles? i can understand how she must have found this unfair. i would too. my sister sleeps during the day and at night. and my dad often tells me and my mom not to make noise, so we don't wake her up and create a fight. but when she puts her music loud at 1AM knowing my parents are sleeping somehow it's okay. he doesn't want conflict. i'm sorry to hear he went as far as stealing your great-grandmother. that would have probably broke her heart to know he sold it for money. honestly probably not, my dad is very "we dont talk about it" and my mom is becoming more and more tired of it. hopefully it doesn't break them apart. my sister always wished they did as a kid. she used to say my dad was too good for my mom. my mom really took more of her heat than my dad. the fact that they're both retired now means they spend more time together. sometimes it's a deal breaker. it'd be a shame after 40 years+ of marriage.
it's a shame that doctors aren't available at the moment. here it's almost the opposite. general doctors's office are empty because people don't wanna risk leaving their house anymore, even to treat their chronic illness. and they're getting worried about the consequences. it must be frustrating for him to feel this way but hopefully him being surrounded by his family helps his mood a little. i don't understand families who just "abandon" their elders and refuse to help them sometimes. i'm worried about how it's expected in the last stage, for you all and for him. it'd be crushing for you to see him go so soon after you grandma, i hope he can lives as many more years as he can, in the healthiest way possible, considering.
it must be difficult. it's nice to see you're all trying your best to keep him occupied. even if it's frustating for him, i'm sure he appreciate the gesture. i know my grandma lost her sight in the end too, and she was always sarcastically "funny" in the end. she would often say while we would "cheers!" on champagne: "may you all choke on it" as a joke. she would often like to talk about her past, and show us pictures. she couldn't see yet she somehow knew where was what. maybe talking about the past with your grandfather could help? maybe funny stories about your grandmother? it could be too soon and make him (and you) sad also, so it really depends how you see him reacting. you know better.
you're right, it does make sense, there need to be some sort of "in-between" limit where we push ourselves enough but not too much? hence why overthinking is never good. i've been trying not to let myself get too caught into searching for my future. sometimes i look up about the navy, then i'll go back to activities or just being on youtube. if i let myself start searching every little thing, i'll go crazy in overthinking. by the way, did i tell you, the online courses who refused my 2nd and 3rd year application for psychology, told me that there were no requirement for the online courses unlike the other one who told me i had to have a job, or be in the same area and stuff. so i don't need to get a job or anything to apply in the first year of bachelor. that's good. but i'm not exactly relieved yet. because i'm still not sure if i'm capable of a online course. it's 300€ (bc it's online) so it's alot of money. (for us european i know it must be alot more for you lol) if i fail i still paid you know. and i'd still need to go to the college for the exams (Twice a year), a 2 hours drive. i know it doesn't sound like alot tbh, but for my social anxiety it is. also if i do this, do i do the others? it just means more questions. but anyway.
how is your sleep schedule going? i saw you havent fallen asleep right after class, last time!
@nwaveo That must be hard to see your sister try to come between your parents that way. I can understand your mother's frustration. Avoiding conflicts and letting your sister do whatever she wants seems like your dad is trying to avoid the inevitable. I hope this doesn't grow into a bigger problem.
My uncle does still struggle unfortunately. He lives so far away from us so we can't check in on him unless he reaches out first. He'll send friend requests on social media and then deletes the account soon after and months later the cycle will start again. He has a grown daughter who tries to keep in contact with him because besides her and my mom, he doesn't have any family left. They are there when he needs them but more often than not, he survives on him own with little contact with the family.
My family was able to get a hold of one of his doctors. My grandfather wasn't allowed to go in to speak with the doctor but we dropped off a sample for them to analyze. Turns out my grandfather has a bladder infection to deal with above everything else. Still no news on changing his medications but at least we can take away SOME pain from the infection through antibiotics.
I love your grandmother's humor. She sounds like she was the life of the party! I think it's great that she was so invested in telling you stories and going through pictures with you all despite her vision loss.
Talking about my grandma still seems to be a sensitive topic for my grandfather. When she comes up in conversation he likes to make comments like "I'm following her" or "I'm next". Lots of comments about him passing away soon. He's cognitively not all there but he's aware enough to know that he's losing his mind. That must be the worst combination to decline so rapidly in body and mind but you're still aware of the fact that you're declining. He's also remembering recent things differently than they really happened. He made a comment a few weeks ago about no one mourning my grandmother when we held her funeral. Which isn't true. Despite her funeral being on a weekday, our family PACKED that church. We had family travel from all over to pay their respects and so many people went up to say a few words. Honestly she would have thought too many people made too much of a fuss over her because that's the way she was lol. But I think the turnout despite the day of the week was a true testiment of how many people she touched in her life and how loved she was. But grandpa doesn't remember all the people and it makes him worried about his own passing. He keeps asking us if we'll mourn him when he's gone. It's a difficult question to answer. Because OF COURSE we all would. But at the same time we don't want to think about having to do that until that moment comes.
I think you are doing things exactly right to break up your career research with distractions. It seems like you have found the right balance to ensure you aren't avoiding the decision but you aren't consumed by it either. I'm proud of you! There's such a fine line and I know how hard it is to figure out how much thinking is overthinking.
Congratulations on the online course! I know you haven't made a decision yet but at least you didn't lose the option. I know before you were afraid of not being allowed in so hopefully this news could take some of the worry off your shoulders. How long do you have think about it before the school requires a response from you?
Now would be a good time to figure out how you would do as an online student. Being forced to do all my courses online has definitely been a challenge. I'm not used to working at home and if given the choice, I probably wouldn't choose to sign up for another one. But other people really strive to learn and succeed in an online format. And if this remote learning has taught me anything, people adapt to the learning they are exposed to. Despite this not being my first choice, I'm still managing. If given more time, I might get better at it. And I can understand 300 being a lot of money. It doesn't matter how it compares to school here, 300 is still a lot and any additional cost can put a strain on someone financially. Would you be able to take out loans for school? I don't know how common student loans are around the world but almost everyone has some debt from school here lol
A two hour drive is a long drive. I would commute 20-30 minutes to my campus daily which seems manageable. Maybe it's a bit of a trade off. I guess 2 hours x 2 times a years compared to 20 minutes drive each way x 5 days a week, your option looks better but it's up to you if you could do the drive. Do you see yourself driving this distance or would your family be willing to drive you? I know you have been thinking about getting your driving license but I don't know how soon you can earn it after enrolling in driving school?
Random Question: I was just wondering how you and your friend are doing. I remember you said you reconnected with someone who was in a very similar situation as you (even considering the same career paths). Has she made in progress in her decision?
My sleep schedule isn't fixed entirely but I'm making progress. Mondays I tend to start the week off poorly by crashing after having so many online classes back to back. I have Tuesday and Wednesday to try to fix my schedule before I have class again Thursday and Fridays. It's all about actually making progress on Tuesdays and Wednesday or else the end of my week is really challenging.
@SecretlyMe
yeah, well, you know. hopefully it doesn't affect their health to be honest.
funny thing my sister does the same, create an account and delete it late; recreate an account and delete it again. does he work somewhere, does he have a partner? it sounds complicated for you and for him.
i'm sorry to hear your grandpa has to suffer a bladder infection along with everything else, i understand he must be feeling really low and depressed, considering how tough times are for him right now. i hope the antibiotic will help a little.
she was fun indeed.
It must be hard for the rest of you to hear those comments too. yes the combination must be the worst and knowing there is not much you can do about it. i'm sure it can be frustrating to hear him remember it wrong and put a blame somewhere because of it. but even more to see his memory deteriorate. your grandma seemed fun to be around. i'm glad so many people loved her and came to her funeral. That must be a huge fear for him. passing away not knowing if you'll be mourned. and i know you all will. but i get how he can be scared of that knowing how he's struggling with alot rn. i get how you don't want to think about that especially during these times tho. how did your grandpa and grandma meet? if you're okay with sharing.
i don't feel like i've found the right balance recently but thank you for your words.
oh no i think there has been a misunderstanding. i haven't been accepted. i only asked another college where i applied if they also required obligations (such as having a job etc, distances etc) for their online courses. and they said that there were no requirement for them. unlike the other one. so i know if i get accepted in first year (because they said no for 2nd and 3rd) i won't have to have a job before the program starts. but i'm not accepted yet. and if i am, i'm not sure how i feel about travelling 2 hours twice a year in that huge city in a college i don't know. again you're right that 2 hours twice a year isn't a lot. but it's not helping that sort of aragophobia i've been developping. it's such a huge city. i asked my mom and she said they wouldn't mind driving me and would use the opportuinity to see the city. so really there is nothing stopping me from going. it's just anxiety and aragophia.
how could i use this time to see if i'm made for online courses? i don't study anything at the moment. but you're right that some people are made for it, some are not and i fear that i might not be. i'm not really responsible, nor am i capable of doing things on my own. like my mom said, i need to be "surpervised", meaning i did fine for my 2 years diploma because rules were strict. i did bad at uni because you could do everything you wanted. and because me and my friends didn't like the program, we ended up skipping alot in the end. hence the not really mature part i mentioned before. and i don't really want to take a loans, because you have to pay it back and it freaks me out. what if i can't pay it back one day. we don't really take loans for school here to be honest, but i know it's common in the usa. i have the 300€ tho, but i fear that if i try the first year and don't like it, i'll just have wasted money.
i think getting my drivin license would take much more time than that.
she's doing okay for now, she's not sure either, she says she wants to work. she used to freak out about working before, but apparently she's getting over it because of her summer job in her city hall. wish that was my case. she's considering animals but she's not sure either. i think she's handling it a bit better than me tbh. she's also older. so idk.
it must be really exhausting to be honest to have so much classes to handle from home, i hope you find a way to manage it in a way that suits you better but i'm glad you're making progress still!
@nwaveo I think my uncle has been on disability most of his life. I can't remember anyone ever saying he had a job, at least not a stable one because he likes to disappear on people a lot. We haven't met her, but he is dating someone at the moment. And he used to be married when he was young. My cousin is still close with him but growing up she wasn't allowed to live him, she lived with her mom and step dad all her life. So he does struggle a little to have routine in his life because of his Bipolar but he has everything that counts. He's being taken care of financially by the government and he isn't alone even though I think he tries to be.
I hope the antibiotics help too. Yesterday was his first day taking them so it might still be a while before he starts feeling better.
My grandparents were both born in Mexico before immigrating separately to the united states as young adults. Funny thing is that they grew up really close to each other but they didn't meet until they established a home here. They met working at the same place but they started as friends. My grandmother was dating someone else when she met my grandfather and she even tried setting him up with one of her girlfriends at the time. Grandpa wasn't interested in her friend and he waited until my grandmother broke up with the current boyfriend before they started being a couple. They dated for a few years before getting married 53 years ago. Despite nearly missing each other a few times they had a long time together.
Oh, I'm sorry I misunderstood your news. But isn't this better than what I assumed? You know you aren't going to be rejected on the basis that you need to have this requirement fulfilled so there is still a very real possibility that you'll be accepted. Plus since you haven't heard back from them, you have even MORE time to think over the pros and cons of going back to school. You aren't as rushed to have an answer as to whether you want to accept the placement or not.
That's nice of your mom to drive you into the city for the exams. Does distance from home make an impact on how difficult your agoraphobia makes going outside is for you? Like would driving one hour away be more manageable than driving two hours away or are they both about the same? I guess my question is whether you are triggered more by distance from home or just by the novelty of an unfamiliar location? Because if its the distance, the school will always be two hours away and you need to decide if that's manageable for you. But if its the feeling of being in an unfamiliar place, maybe you can take baby steps between now and when school starts to make it easier? I know going into the city is scary but maybe your mom would be willing to have a drive through the city. You don't need to get out and interact but you can visit the city and go sightseeing from your car? Baby steps and soon the city won't feel as unfamiliar as it does now. If you can make progress now then you will know for sure that you can handle taking the exams.
I'm not sure how you can see if you're ready for online courses. When I said that you had time to see if you were ready, I didn't really intend you to practice now. I actually meant for you to go over the pros and cons so you can decide if you personally feel ready to embark on something new. There's going outside of one's comfort zone and then there's overwhelming yourself. There's nothing wrong with taking a step back if it's too much at once, but don't run away from a challange that you are capable of handling either. That's such a fine line and I struggle with this CONSTANTLY. You need to think about it and make sure you are doing one and not the other. Does that make more sense? I hope that isn't triggering for you. I know how indecisive I can be and I tend to change my position on a topic like this often. That's why I would need more time to think it over and come to a decision.
I'm happy for your friend. Sounds like she's been making progress like you :) You're opinion that she's handling it better than you might be your anxiety talking. We're so quick to minimize our own progress and celebrate others for making their own. If we start comparing, that kind of thinking will always make us look like we're not matching others. Plus despite the similarities in your situations, you both made progress in different ways. She went out and made progress, you are making progress from home in your own head. It might look differently but you're both working towards unmuddling a big question in your heads. It takes time to see things clearly.
@SecretlyMe
Beautiful post. Such insight is so powerful and thought-provoking.
Thank you @Kurt789
@SecretlyMe
that must at least be reassuring for him. to at least not live in the street you know. when you mean disability do you mean physical or is it because of his bipolarity? i'm sorry to hear he tries to be alone. my sister is being the same currently, she hasn't spoken to us in maybe weeks. did he ever mention why he tries to be alone?
it might take time indeed, don't hesitate to keep me updated on how he's going.
Sounds like fate to me! that's a really lovely story. what were the odds that they meet in the US after leaving close to each other in mexico really ha. did they keep working where they worked after they started dating? did they work together all their life?
that's true. sometimes i wonder if i even want to get accepted you know.
it is but that's probably my dad who would be driving but she'd come. i don't think it counts. it's so weird because i've never felt like that before. i mean i'm used to taking the plane or train alone to go to paris to see my sister. that's fine because i know the way. it's routine. however i make sure the hours my train arrive fits with when she's done with her day at work, so i don't have to go through the subway on my own. i'd be lost to be honest. writing this i realize that maybe it's not the distance then but the new environement. i do like car drive because i can get lost in my music, so i guess new environnement it is. but not only, i fear that i'd be going there, not having studied enough because online course might not be for me if i'm not disciplined enough. i know my mom would. she's done it once before. but she isn't the one driving when it's such long drive. it's my dad. and he wouldn't be as willing to waste gas on a "test" trip.
i think i'm overwhelming myself with all this to be honest. sometimes i'm like "it's fine if you don't do psychology now if you're not ready, even if you're only ready at 40." but then what? i could have wasted a chance for anxiety? it's such a hardline like you said i can definitly feel it. i get told if you don't feel ready then you shouldn't do it. then i get told sometimes you just gotta push yourself a bit. That's such a fine line and I struggle with this CONSTANTLY. yeah i understand your point don't worry, i'm just as undecisive to be honest.
Thank you, it's just hard to see that it's both progress when one of the progress might bring her money and my progress won't, you know, for example. but you're right. it's just my damn anxiety tbh.
@nwaveo I'm sorry for the confusion, my uncle is able to file for disability benefits because of his bipolarity. With the help he gets from those checks, it's ok that he doesn't have a stable job. Money would still be tight because the government can only provide so much, but it covers the necesities. He's never explained why he tries to be alone. I assume its for the same reason that your sister keeps her distance. When he is feeling more social, he tends to make unrealistic goals and promises to be more involved from now on. We're used to the pattern so we aren't affected by the empty promises anymore. I can imagine that behavior was confusing and hurtful towards my cousin when she was growing up but she's an adult now and they have a good relationship. So it all worked out in the end.
I know! My grandparents' story sounds like something out of a story or television show. They continued working together for a while but they didn't work together always. As immigrants in the country, and because neither one recieved schooling in Mexico (Grandfather only attended one year, grandmother made it to fourth grade), they had many minimum wage, manual labor type jobs over the years. I think they got used to jumping from one thing to the next either from employers running out of work or because they were going after a slightly better opportunity.
At least with your agoraphobia stemming from unfamiliar environment, there is a way to make unfamiliar familiar to you. So that seems easier to deal with than just distance from home. Distance will be a challenge each time because it doesn't change but new places will only be scary the first few times you visit until it becomes familiar to you. That sounds like good news!
Hmmm, you might not be able to do a test drive if your dad is unwilling to go. But there are other ways to make an unfamiliar place more familiar. Like I mentioned in the other post, you can look at maps so you now your way around.
If this is becoming overwhelming to talk about, we can put a hold on this topic. Sometimes we tell people we need help because we don't know to deal with it. But other times we tell people we are struggling because we're looking for a distraction. It can be difficult to guage what you are looking for through text so please feel free to tell me if my messages are causing harm or if you would rather I take another approach. I don't mind talking with you about this but if your anxiety is spiking each time we talk, maybe it's time to move on to something else and we can come back to this when you're ready.
Like I've said before, taking a break or stepping back from this isn't a bad thing. I know you tell yourself you are wasting time, but really you are prioritizing your mental health and that is NEVER wasted time. This is just one of those reframed thoughts that you need to remind yourself of so you make sure to take care of yourself.
@SecretlyMe, that's okay it's interesting to know that, my sister could probably benefit from it too here tho i don't know much about how it works, but she would probably refuse to get it anyway. she believes she's not bipolar anymore, that the doctors misdiagnosed her, and stopped taking her meds, so. i understand, as lon as he gets necesities it's better than nothing. i'm glad they have a good relationship now!
it truly does! makes you wish for the same doesn't it. of course, i understand. must have been tough for them but it's good to know they always had each other for that, i can understand even more why your grandpa is feeling so sad since she passed.
Maybe, hopefully. Thanks for your help, but don't worry unless you don't want to talk about it anymore on your end, i'm good. ignoring it wouldn't do me any good. i guess i mention it because i don't know how to deal with it. don't worry i'll tell you either way, thanks for making sure.
you're right, it just feels like i wasted time last year/this year beside that 3 month job, so i'd feel bad about missing wasting time this year too. if i try to be more positive, i still have to buy myself a bike with the gift card i got on christmas and birthday, so i'll try to go when the confinement is over, then i'll try to grow courage and go see the piano teacher who gives classes just around the corner or my street. then i'll try to bike more. run more maybe. i feel like that would be progress already. and wake up ealier.
@nwaveo Yes, I truly hope to have what my grandparents had. And I might be in my mid twenties with no partner in sight but my grandparents didn't meet until they were about my age. So I don't feel like I'm "behind schedule". They met in their mid to late twenties, got married in their early thirties and they still had such a long and happy life together. It really puts into perspective that we don't need to find someone so early in life in order to be happy. It puts to rest any notion that I'll end up alone because I'm single now. It's not too late and it will happen when it happens.
Of course I don't mind talking about this with you! I just wanted to make sure I wasn't pushing you further than you were ready to go. If someone isn't ready to tackle the next step, it can be overwhelming to hear someone give you advice on something that's several steps away. Sort of like imagining taking advanced psychology courses before you've covered the basics :p Looking too far ahead makes things feel impossible and can lead people to get discouraged and give up. I'm glad to hear that I'm not getting ahead of myself too much when we talk. If I ever do, don't be afraid to tell me to slow down 
What has happened last year/this year was completely out of your hands. You made the right decision to take care of yourself when things were looking bad. If you had decided to push through the anxiety in order to "make more progress" you could have been in a worse situation now. Like I said last time, taking care of yourself is never a waste of time. And the time that was "wasted" now isn't your fault. You couldn't have predicted the world would be on a lock down for so long. I think we all feel like we're wasting time right now, no one feels as productive at home. But health is much more important than avoiding adjustments to our life plan timeline.
I didn't know you were looking into getting a new bike! I hope you get a chance to buy one and use it soon. :)
@SecretlyMe really? wow. it actually reassure me as well in a way. i get your feeling of ending up alone. ti'm, let's say, 70% convinced i COULD end up alone. we have a tendency to that in my family, i know that i'm not my family of course, but it's just a tendency, i don't know why. my aunt never dated ANYONE. my uncle had one lover in his life and really late in his 40s and they broke up. my other uncle didnt have anyone 'til he was maybe 35-40? he had someone before but only married her out of convenience or something. and my sister is never going to be dating someone again according to her because she doesn't like people and wants to end up alone. which is fine too. so, see, with your grandparents and my family, we can say we don't have to meet someone soon, tho i'll say it'd be reassuring to.
don't worry, i know you were just making sure! i won't hesitate to tell you to slow down if i need to thank you.
thank you for saying that even tho i felt like i was just lazying around doing nothing.worst thing is i'd be okay with that, i'd be okay with doing nothing of my life if i had the security of a house and basic necessities. that's how you can tell i'm not mature yet. i know you said it wasn't that, it just feels so. maybe it was the right thing, maybe it was "where i was supposed to be" then and i just need to let thing happen and be. i don't know.
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@SecretlyMe
and i do want to buy a new bike! i'm not the best at biking and endurance but hopefully it helps me. still gotta force myself a bit ha.
i also wanted to MAYBE try scubadiving this summer, and well since i didnt apply to this summer job i once talked to you about (figured with the virus it wasn't good, plus, i could use the summer to figure out my choices.), well i could try the initiation class and go with my sister (who also wanted to try), it could help her too. it's not that expensive to be honest. but i'll see if i'm up for the challenge. that could be alot. getting my license could be the first goal with getting out a bit more.