Shaken, Never Forgetting

Deep Breath.

I have done something that goes against my feeling. I have taken on a job account I really don't wanna do. It is anxiety trigger. It reminded of another account I had. But I asses the wage, the time, location, the potential profit, and the opinion of my field consultant (and he was really convincing, telling me the time to pay rate ratio and when I am losing profit) - it just might work. But I don't quite like the manager. He sounds demanding and sounds like those kind of people that will call you about the smallest thing. But I already accepted the account - I can't run now. I know I do good work and in the year I remain in this industry there are barely any complaint. The last major one I had was years ago, like years ago; and it wasn't any fault of my own. Their place wasn't maintain well by the previous staff but they expect us to leave the location polish and shiny. (-_-) They called us for a new quote, one month later. I told my field consultant, forget it I'm not taking them.

I tell myself, whether I am an employer, am employee - in almost any kind of work, I will experience dissatisfaction and anxiety trigger scenarios. It is my duty to make sure I minimize and work with my response. It is real easy for me be triggered. I don't like feeling that I have done a shitty job, that I haven't please the clients or people in general, and I don't like feeling I am corner. I don't like taking on bad job accounts either. I tend to self-blame. Wondering what had I don't wrong? What could I have done to avoid this issue? To keep the account? Or to entirely not take on this account? What should I have known?

I keep telling myself: I don't know when the next job account will come. I don't know if future accounts will be better than this one. I am in need of increasing my income. I keep telling myself, it will be alright. Why am I afraid? If I have done everything to my best ability, regardless of what they think, I should walk proud. I need to know my worth and my time - I cant be giving free unicorn sparkle every time I see trouble so they will be happy. Why do I feel bad when they get angry/unhappy at me, but is not allowing myself to be angry/unhappy at them? Why do I have to say thank you when they have kicked me? Why do I feel anxious every time a new account is offered? I was anxious with the last account I had accepted although with an entirely different reason. Almost every account give me anxiety - why? Why am I lowering my energy to their? Why can't I carry my own positive energy? Why - Why - Why?

No answers.

I was super tired after the walk-tour of the new job account. I feel a fatigue that call for me to go to bed. I need to shut down and hide. I need to get away. I feel so bad. I couldn't understand if it was low-self esteem, lack of confident, not wanting to do it, feeling corner, feel I had put myself in a shitty position, or whatever it is; or maybe hating myself for allowing me to be talked into accepting this account. But he sounded so kind and helpful - hold on - am I also questioning my ability to judge people too now? Sometimes, I feel I didn't give myself enough credit. If the new job account, look beyond my ability, I feel I would not even entertain the thought of taking it; and it would have been an immediate no. I know I have had accounts like that before.

Life isn't about having sweet marshmallow all the time. Sometimes, we do end up with burnt s'mores. It is a fact I know, but how do you tell your mind, your body, and your emotional self to be calm. To be fine.

I have more stress and anxiety, than peaceful days. In fact, peaceful days are so scary. It is like a precursor for an upcoming tornado. How do I stop feeling like this? How can I tell myself to not be the caption of a sinking ship everyday?

Is this trauma? Sigh.