Sick of living like this
I don't know where else to go with this. I've never experienced something like this in my life.
I've spent the majority of my life living with higher than normal levels of anxiety and some level of depression. Although it is extremely powerful when it hits (anxiety), it's like a moment and then passed and my life would return to normal for the most part.
This all changed on Saturday. I was driving home from work, got groceries, and everything was calm and fine. Out of nowhere when I was driving on the highway, it felt like something "moved" or "snapped" in my head (Sort of like when you crack your neck and get that feeling of release, but times a hundred) and my entire body got very warm and I felt light-headed, to the point where I genuinely thought I was going to pass out. I managed to pull over and my heart was pounding so hard and fast I very seriously thought I was having a heart attack. I called 911 and could barely breath. I'd never experienced this in my life and truly thought I was going to die.
Fast forward, I'm still having tests to eliminate any physical damage/physiological condition. The consensus is that the majority of my symptoms were from a panic attack. Though I'll argue the initial physical scare, while maybe not serious, was not panic related. I do believe I had a panic attack as a result of it, but I believe these were two different things.
Ever since that day, I've been having full-blown, textbook panic attacks. I've never had an actual panic attack and seriously under estimated how powerful they are. I
I now have a constant fear of death from the incident. I am in a constant state of anxiety and panic, and I believe the result of my fear and panic from the incident and being in the vehicle when it happened was more traumatizing than the actual fear of a physical problem. I'm terrified of having another panic attack.
It has disabled me. I can barely drive without getting light-headed and scared. I'm having trouble being in restaurants or my college classes without getting the start of panic attack symptoms.
However, this is my biggest concern. I feel since Saturday, my body hasn't "come down" from this panic attack. I have heart palpitations pretty much 24/7 and a CONSTANT feeling of head pressure/face pressure and while I'm not dizzy, it's like my head is in a fog or congested and not all there. (Think like if you have sinus pressure, but through your entire head.) Even when I'm relatively calm mentally, the physical symptoms stay and screw it all up again.
Are these normal anxiety-related symptoms, and is it normal for them to "linger" this long after an attack? I'm started to upset myself more by thinking I have brain damaged or blood clots or something horrible. (I have an MRI/EEG on Friday just to be certain.)
I just want my life back.
@LesDaliphants
Your experience sounds very nerve racking and searching for a medical root is something I would push for personally. It's easy to grab the symptoms and blame everything on them (which seems to be the standards of operation with medical profession nowadays). If you had something happen (the pop in your head) that then precipitated/triggered the attack -- then a resolution to what started it all is necessary. Look the doctor straight in the eye -- If I had just come in complaining of the pop in my head and the light-headedness and not the panic symptoms, what would you be looking at right now? Would you be doing a vascular workup? Would you be doing a contrast die cranial workup? Arm yourself with info and become "ONE OF THOSE PATIENCE" - why? Because no one can advocate for you but you and doctors and hospitals have a tendency to only do what the insurance company says should be done in an outline. (Sorry, I rant on medical care... it irritates me how patients are treated if there is a mental health issue or an inconvenience factor to them.)
Panic attacks very for each person - symptoms, durations, lingering effects. Your experience reminds me of my mum's experience with traumatic events (tornado, car wreck) - she developed Post Traumatic Stress responses. Rushing thoughts about what happened, what could have happened, wariness about intersections, and a few other things - it's a slow recovery and still occasionally impacts how she responds in the car or during a storm.
You may not realize - when you are driving (or just sitting thinking about the event) you may be holding your breathe. It's something we do to ourselves that takes a very conscience effort to deal with. Be thoughtful of your breathing (not to the point of distraction) - but deep breathes five times each, in to the count of three out to the count of three, then build to count of 5, count of 8, finally county of 10. Just let the oxygen in - don't stress over it - just breathe and count. When our body craves oxygen - it makes the heart beat faster, it makes you feel woozy/light-headed and oddly enough it makes you panicky. Breathing exercises - akin to meditation - can help you check in with your body and make sure you are giving it what it needs. (I'm not medical professional btw... this just seems to be something that helps more often than not.)
Some of my worse panic attacks have me shaking - hands, head, body - for days. Turned out part of the problem was my horrific stress, a bad interaction between the standard meds, malnutrition, and my food related auto-immune. (Yes, my food allergies contributed to my anxiety attacks and depression as well as the malnutrition.)
Be conscience of how you are feeling. If you need to cry - do it. If you need to scream - do it. Acknowledge and release your fears, anxiety, joy, whatever you are feeling. If you want to track the swings of the attack - journal it - with times, what you were doing, what you were thinking, what you eaten or drank, who you were with.
Keep strong, advocate for yourself, check-in on yourself.
Sorry, I'm in tumbleweed mode, not sure if this had made any sense - I hope it helps you some.
@diplomaticconfucious
Thank you for your response. I've thus far had an EKG and tomorrow I'll be getting an MRI and an EEG. I'm slowly accepting the fact that it may have been a very horrible panic attack. Still, to be safe, I want these tests done. Once I rule this out, I can focus on one thing.
@LesDaliphants
Good for you for advocating for yourself to rule out the physical.
I actually had my neck dislocate due to extreme tension in my shoulders, back and neck due to severe stress. The doctor couldn't explain it - no one in his practice had ever seen such outside of a car crash - but he rationalized it was all of the stress that literally popped (suddenly and violently) my neck vertebraes out of place - triggering pain and fear -- fear that spiralled into a mild attack because of my inability to move my head and having to call out of the job that was causing the stress (fear of being fired daily and the retaliation for missing a day's work).
Listen to your body.
Try relaxing exercises.
Honestly communicate with yourself and care providers - and be willing to push when necessary.
I hope you find answers soon. Stay strong.
@diplomaticconfucious
Ironically, I think I have a similar issue. I think the initial "pop" or movement was perhaps a muscle spasm or something tension related. I got it again today, and when I could mentally focus and logically talk myself through that I wasn't dying, it sort of did its thing and I moved on. I think my prior panic attack was triggered by the fear of experiencing something so physiologically powerful, it scared me.
By destigmatizing bodily sensations, I'm starting to get lose some of the anxiety/panic symptoms, so it doesn't turn into a circular issue.
Also, MRI came back negative today. Yay!
@LesDaliphants
Glad to hear your MRI was clear. That's great news!!!
The sudden shock of something moving in the neck (or anywhere really) - we're taught the neck is a sensitive area with so many hazards to injuring it - is frightening, traumatizing, and induces panic. The neck isn't supposed to *POP* - then all the scary things were told flood us .. what if it broke? what if it paralyzes me? what if.......arrrrgggggghhhhhhh (some part of your mind runs around screaming like a 5 year after eating 200 pixie sticks and it's a little hard to calm it or put it in the corner :D )
A self-check is a good thing to do when something wierd happens like a giant pop to the neck. It made not rid you of all the panic - but at least you can verify with yourself how you are feeling, identify issues, and best of all - calm yourself.
I hope you can keep working with your GP about finding an answer. Who knows, he might need to subscribe a little therapeutic massage. :D (I ended up in 6 months therapy due to the dislocation to work out the muscles and try to re-align the neck. Took a whole year more and another pop for it finally to go back like its supposed to be... now if I can just keep some of this stress at bay, maybe no more pops)
Thanks for the update. Stay strong and keep advocating for yourself.
@diplomaticconfucious
Had another major panic attack out of nowhere.
I think it's these that bother me the most, as I'm not expecting them and there's no trigger.
It seems like it is directly related to muscle tension I have.
Is it possible to have your back/neck muscles be so tense it cuts off circulation to your brain, to the point where it would be fatal?
@LesDaliphants
I"m not a medical professional... but what was explained to me is they (arteries) are quite deep under the tissue or we would be knocking ourselves out all the time when we tilted our head back. So kick the notion your tension can mangle your arteries. Arteries are pretty sturdy - with few exceptions.
Take a breathe... take another.... panic attacks can happen for no reason - with no trigger.
1.) You are not your panic attacks... they happen... the best thing you can do is equip yourself to ride them out. Panic attacks are often looked at as our body's way of saying to us -- woah, take a minute, simmer down now. We stay sooo wound up, we forget to unwind and let the body relax. Relaxing is difficult -be cause we are left with ourself and internal dialogue and need to get it to be quiet. When was the last time you were truly still? When was the last time your head wasn't full of have to's, negative speak, and other blah blah blah yakitty smackitty?
2.) Don't try to schedule your panic attacks... that's way too much pressure and will not serve you well. They happen, ride the ebb and flow, and then self-care to recover.
3.) Don't let the panic attacks rule what you do. Yes, they are terrifying. Yes, you wish they would stop. No, I'm no expert but why stop living when it's something you can't control? Life is about things we can't control. Life is not neat, it's messy. Controlling life and it's outcomes - I think is a misnomer. We learn to surf life - ride the ebbs and flows, get knocked off our boards, or hang 10 on a good curl, sometimes we have to paddle to catch the next wave, sometimes we get crushed in the foam, anyway you look at it - it's learning to go with the flow - up and downs, ins and outs, wipeouts or wonder-rides.
4.) Look at what you have on your plate. Are you worrying about a lot of things? What's contributing to your stress? What can you toss on the fire and let go? What really needs your attention? What can you change today, tomorrow, next week and make your life better? We are not our worry - how we let it affect us is up to us... that is something we can work at.
5.) Continue to advocate for yourself with the doctors. Ask questions - expect answers. Have they ruled out all "Mechanical" causes? Have they ruled out blood chem causes? Have the ruled out nutritional causes? Arm yourself with information, empower yourself, and fight for yourself -- rarely does anyone stand with you in these battles, be your own army.
Stay strong. You will be okay. You are not your panic. Take time for you -- really do it for you.
@diplomaticconfucious
Here's my problem. I'm not having full blown panic attacks all the time. I almost wish I was so I could come down from them.
I'm stuck in the limbo-ike state of being on the verge of a panic attack 24/7 without having them. It has the scary heart palpatations and lightheadedness and sticks around without escalating.
So far, my EKG, MRI and EEG have come back normal. Because I'm not always having a panic attack with these symptoms. I'm scared it's something real. Like there's something physically wrong with me and anxiety is a side piece.
@LesDaliphants I've been through same feelings and have had all same tests done it took me long to admit to myself it was just anxiety I was also in that limbo states for months but I had family to support me while I got some help to the day I get in those limbo states for a few days to where I'm just waiting for the next attack but nothing comes then as soon I start to calm down I have a bad attack I've went to hospital multiple times trying to find something to explain all the ways I've been feeling but every time I was perfectly healthy and whenever they do test I'm more calm and that's prob cuz I feel less stressed in the hospital but I hope u start to feel better but if u can find a way to bear it let me know I'm still struggling with it but it's getting easier
@LesDaliphants
Sometimes the stress of waiting for the other shoe to drop - in this case a full blown panic attack - is what is keeping you in the constant state of hyper-vigilence. You have to really make yourself stop and evaluate what is going on. Be mindful of how you are feeling - literally everything. Do it without judgement - harder than it sounds. Sometimes just pausing to take inventory - body, mind, environment, interactions, and such ---- going as far as to catalog them on paper ---- can help you realize some small things that may be keeping you in a state hyper-vigilence. You can be in this state and not even realize it. They key to disarming it is realizing it and disassembling it - and that can be a long and arduous process.
If you want to check it out - there is a mindfulness community on 7cups forums. They talk about checking in with yourself. There's helpful information and a some fun on the side. You can add yourself to the list to be tagged in the post. They just posted one on S.N.A.C.K. - a true mindfulness gem if I say so. 
Stay strong. Keep advocating for yourself. Check-in with yourself.
No panic attack is text book - we get to write it as an autobiography. -- ME
Here's @RumpleSteeleSkin's S.N.A.C.K. forum post from the Mindfulness Community...
https://www.7cups.com/forum/MindfulnessSupportCommunity_106/MindfulnessDailyCheckins_1263/MindfulnessDailyCheckInMarch142012_121640/1/#1446670
Enjoy!!
