Social anxiety, and anxiety...
This is going to be a really weird thread for some.of you...
Back in january of 2019 I was searching for my dream goat. I raise breed and buy boer goats. And I thought I'd found my match. I got the doe paid off and picked her up in may. Then forgot to get the papers that day so when the breeder came back to my state, I picked her papers up only to discover this doe I've paid 750.00 on is purebred. Purebreds are not worth much more than 300.00.
Fullblood boers are what I breed, i have no in between, and this breeder never disclosed if the doe was purebred or fullblood, I figured because of the price being 750.00 the doe was fullblood I was wrong and never questioned it anyhow. :(
So I got the papers and decided she wasnt what I wanted in my herd. Great overall but would have been better if she were fullblood. The breeder came uncorked on me. For putting her up at a 500.00 loss. Telling me that for that price she could have been sold to a meat buyer. And as if my anxiety wasnt bad enough after finding out. Then my social anxiety hits in the middle of people contacting me wanting this doe. :(
I feel like giving up on something I've worked so damn hard on. (Excuse my french I'm also really upset and frusterated) it's always been my belief that once I sell an animal it's no longer my issue on where it goes, or what happens to it because as a breeder I'm just the breeder, not the owner any longer after a sale. :(
I would have never let her go to a meat buyer. :(
I'm going back home tomorrow after 4 months of studying abroad. I just finished my first semester so it's only a short visit home. I was really excited leading up to the day i get to go home because I've been feeling sort of lonely here. But because of my loneliness, I've over-eaten so much, and gained a lot of weight. I'm just really unhappy of my appearance and I'm worried that people will notice this change.
I also have OCD, which is triggered every now and then. The first few months away being in university, I had it under control, but recently it's been the worst its ever been in the past 2 years. I've been washing my hands so much that they have gone really dry, cracking, and even bleeding. I dont know how to stop, and the people around me are judging me so hard because they don't get why I'm washing my hands so much. The people back home kind of have a better jist of my OCD after years of me explaining it to them. So it feels horrible to be back in the same place as I was before, being judged for my compulsions that I cannot control. I dont know if going home will make things better or worse, to be honest. I'm really scared.
Lastly, I think I have a fear of flying. Or dying. Not really sure, because I've gone on numerous airplanes over the years and I've never had a problem. But maybe that's because all those other times, I've been with family or friends. Tomorrow will be the first time I'm flying alone and I'm having really bad anxiety over it. Waking up in cold sweats and having odd dreams about being in ariplanes. No nightmares about being in a plane crash or anything, just really odd ones about being physically in a plane, or forgetting my luggage before boarding. I mean, I've always disliked planes, never wanted to sit in the window seat, and always trying to sleep just before takeoff and landing. But I'm worried that I wont be able to physcially get in the plane tomorrow. I dont think I'll be able to cope because I'd be alone for 7 hours straight, way up in the air.