Struggling bad again right now.
I'm feeling so down, yet so anxious. It's so hard to control the anxiety and thoughts and tears and everything, especially when I'm in a situation where I need to the most. I've been struggling a bit more the past two days and tonight my boyfriend and I had a bit of a disagreement and I was feeling really low and he likes to just turn everything off and sleep like nothing is wrong. I didn't want to end up crying alone in a other room again tonight for hours waiting for the anxiety and waves of depression to pass so I asked if he could sit up with me for a few minutes and watch some videos. And he says "I just Want to sleep". So I'm trying to explain that I'm only asking for a few minutes and why I'm asking and then he gets mad and sits up and starts shouting about how I never listen to him and then I freeze and Idk what to do and I'm crying more and he gets madder and I'm asking him to stop yelling and he won't and it's making me worse so I toss the remote on The bed which ended up looking like I tried to throw it at him so then he yells more after trying to break the remote and throws it across the room. That at least snapped me out of the freeze enough to get the remote and try to unbend it and tell him that's not OK. That the aggression and violence is not OK and not healthy. And I'm trying to figure out what I did wrong this time and he's ends up calming a bit but then complains about me.being in. His space too.much when I've spent 90% of my time away from him in other rooms. He lost his dad a few weeks ago and while he has never been good at processing his emotions ( bottles it up then explodes, or is just a cranky ass hole until he move on), it's been so much worse lately. And I get it. I lost my father many years ago so I know how tough that can be. I really didn't feel like I was asking for much, but apparently I was. It's been so hard. And now he's sleeping and I'm in another room crying and trying to remind myself that the depressive thoughts are not true. I guess i shouldn't have asked anyway since I still ended up here. Idk if this is what this thread is for and if it's not I apologize I've been typing this while crying too. I hate this so much.
@toughSea2420
Thank you for sharing your rocky experiences tonight. I am glad you took the time to write. I understand how hard it is, and I understand crying in fear and saying "please stop" and having no concern. You are not out of line, you are no wrong, it is not your fault. I promise you. I promise you. You are being mistreated and there is no excuse for it. I feel the same way you do often … "ok, that's not right, what do you want, what do you want?" and that doesn't even work.
I hope you can find some safe place for you. For a start, I am so glad that you are here. Keep reaching out, please. Open your heart and share your true suffering. It's not your fault. And, perhaps as time passes, you will be able to seek more support.
It's not your fault, and making such a gentle request as spending a short time together to be calm is entirely reasonable. I wish I were asked such simple things. It is clear direct and logical.
Please don't give in. I promise. You're not wrong; it's not your fault. Open your eyes and options for ways to find good for you. You deserve it. You are good.
I'm glad you're here. You're not alone.
