Trust issues and how do I regain my trust in people.
I do apologise if this is really long. My issue is complicated to me so I have a hard time in outlining it for other people.
To briefly outline my problem: I was in a relationship for over 9 years. My boyfriend cheated on my for well over a year. He told me about his other relationship two months before we broke up, we didn't break up at the time because he wanted us to all coexist in a kind of polyamorous relationship but not really, he just wanted to have 2 girlfriends essentially; I even met her twice and was so uncomfortable. Those two months made me very depressed and anxious to a point that I am now on meds and I have vaginismus.
So I've been left with these trust issues concerning myself and practically everyone around me.
The myself part stems from his mention of me not communicating properly when things were wrong and that I wouldn't give him enough attention and I would push him away. Sometimes I wouldn't give him enough attention in many aspects and it would simply be because I would be too tired both physically and mentally to deal with his high energy needs. I'm quite the introvert and he was like a spaniel puppy. My uncommunicativeness is largely due to me not being used to talking about my problems face to face and not wanting to be a burden.
The trust issues that I have with other people stem from his infidelity. He was someone that I trusted and he broke that trust in one of the worst ways possible and he lied to me on a daily basis. So with regards to other people I have trouble believing what they do or say, I have trouble believing if people really like me; which makes friendships and establishing relationships hard when I'm always second guessing the world around me. There is one such instance where I have reached out to a friend about how they truly feel about me and didn't get a response back; so I am getting a little better at communicating with people.
Again sorry for the long winded outline. Sometimes to help people understand I need to put it in a way that helps me also understand.
@TheChippedCup
wow you have certainly been thru a lot <3 but you sound like a very brave and kind person who is very compassionate. i always try to see the best in everyone but i know that can be hard, especially after an experience like the one you described. i think that with time things will improve and you will meet someone who will light up your world and help you see things differently!!! never give up in urself or punish urself for how you think or feel. we all are different and we all sometimes just need time or the perfect person/moment to transform our life! wishing you the best!!!!
but i know you asked for suggestions so i will try to tell you a few:
- online chats or texting can be a good way to build safe and comfortable relationships (at least for like me bc i have anxiety, & texting can make it easier for me to get to know someone)
- always, always go to your family if you are able to - as for me, they have been my rock through all of my bad days! i know this isn't always an option for everyone, but if it is for you - don't miss out on this opportunity!
- whenever you are ready, joining clubs/sports/groups can be a great way to meet awesome people and new friends who can teach you new things about humanity and surprisingly, you can learn more about yourself too! :)
- sometimes the BEST advice is to TRUST YO SELF!!!! - yes i realize this isn't always easy (i know from experience) BUT, continue to TRY TRY TRY!!! sometimes we find it hard to trust others when we can't even trust ourselves. so often, this is the first and MOST IMPORTANT STEP! trust yourself that you are enough, you are strong, you are capable, you are loved, you are lovable, you are beautiful, you are smart, you are AMAZING! and you WILL BELIEVE IT AND BELIEVE IN YOURSELF! and by doing this, you will see INSTANT RESULTS!!! having a good relationship with yourself is the KEY to having good relationships with others :)
LOVE YOU AND YOU GOT THIS!!!!!!!! <3 don't give up :)
@bblueskies
Thank you. :)
I have found someone who brightens my day and makes me smile every time I see them and talk to them and they make me feel genuinely happy. But then my mistrust takes over and in the back of my head I'm worrying about our interactions and doubting how he acts towards me and doubting whether he's actually happy to see me, so I fall in to this pit of anxiety where I feel like I need to distance myself from him for his sake or I shouldn't talk to him as much because he doesn't actually like me etc etc. And the cycle goes round and round with me being happy then being anxious to being happy again.
And I do mainly talk to people online as I too feel uncomfortable talking things out face to face.
I will try and trust myself more.
@TheChippedCup
im so proud of you!!! thats awesome. it takes time. i get it! i feel the same way. im so happy that you found someone!!! wishing you the best, things will get bettter :) <3 i know its hard, but being honest is often the best thing to do. im still trying to figure out how to do this too, but when i do learn to be honest about my feelings with others, i know it will make me feel better. feel free to update me. i hope things continue to improve! u got this