hi i am depressed

I dont work, i dont study, i am 43 years old, i hope one day i could work with either blender 3d or 2d art, i dont talk to people in real life, i have extreme anxiety, and been depressed for so many years.

I am super afraid of talking to women in real life, to the point were if i get rejected i start getting self harm thoughts or suicidal thoughts, there was a point were i used to have problems breathing cause of the anxiety this used to cause me. i am hunted by bad thoughts of how i always had been rejected :(
😕