lots of suffering in my life
Yesterday I went to this pub where they practice languages. Girls and guys come, but they also drank beer. I dont drink alcohol. And I was talking to some girls to be sociable, but then some guys began flirting with the girls, and I felt so much pain.. throw all my years of isolation, i always felt this pain, this feeling that I will always be alone, this pain, like you are left to rot.. this pain that life is was just to be watch and not to take part.... this pain... that no matter how hard I will try to interact with women I will always fail... and be left alone, now I am older, so the pain is even bigger and bigger... it hurts so much... I went alone to this pub ciclying for around 20-25 mins . I bought this speakers to listen to some music to not feel so depressed and lonely ciclying alone on the night, but on the way back the pain was bigger.
@okeyyyy so is it that you kind of felt as if he stopped you being able to talk to them again? like that made you alone again?
@Keanan more like flashbacks.
@okeyyyy awww okay flashbacks can suck a lot :c
@Keanan Yes, especially when they come all the time, they can be dam painful 
@okeyyyy what do you do when you have them? :o
@Keanan Well yesterday at the pool after swimming I was triggered by a comment that I heard from a guy that it was I dont know adress to who, but he was swimming with another girl. And in that time I made this big huge hate expression face for around a minute or so, and try to unleash my hate but trying others not to notice, so i was keeping my head down for not to be so obvious, yet cause I tend to not care what people think of me that much I can concentrate on myself more. So after letting go all of my hate, I felt a bit better. So I did some swimming, then rowing, then I cycled a lot to travel, also trying to be outside of my house more, those are the things that help me to relax. Also since I notice that life in general is way more chaotic for most people, that kinda conflict creates a clonflict within me as well... but I think the lack of expirience in being outside makes that as well.
@okeyyyy Yet, I try not to talk and to relax, but I think I should think ahead on copying mechanisms, like putting distance from the problems when possible, trying to do grounding exercises, like watching my hands, or watching objects in the place and forgetting about people all together, cause people are the ones in a city who tend to make me go bananas.
@okeyyyy ahh okay ,it's good to hear you have multiple things you can rely on to help ya :p