scared of my new life part 2

The days are now numbered i have one full week left at home, and i have never felt so bipolar in my life. One moment i have hope, the next i am just ignoring the fact i am leaving, but now, now i am sick with anxiety. I have to take sleeping pills at night, and i am using my meds properly but more now than i use too, i use to just go like every other day on anxiety meds, but now im taking it daily as the time gets closer. i feel like my life is over and i have to leave because i can't do the things i THINK i want to do in life, i can only say I THINK this is what i want, I think this is a calling, and it has to be better than draining my parents because of my fears, depression and anxiety. I hate this, i dread it, and at the same time i know it will be fine i just need to get there, this is what i tell myself and i barely believe myself, i just keep restating it over n over so i dont throw up. I feel like i am being ripped apart. i am trying so hard to detach from everything so i dont have a literal nervous break down. i am thinking i am not cut out for anything in general...... but what else is there i cant stay, an im freaking out about going.... and i will go, i just dont want to....

everyone keeps saying we are so proud of you this is so exciting, and i want to tell them to shut up, i dont though, but i notice i just hang my head or nod an smile slightly, trying to hide the pain and fear.

and if it doesnt work if i cant adjust to this new life, i just return home and hope that i can figure something out. I am fighting fearing life so much... an it hurts to no end and i feel so so alone. no one to confide in anymore but strangers.