Anxious towards friends
Thanks for paying attention to this thread.
A few years ago, I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder. I'm still in therapy and I have definitely made some progress. One of the problems that I have a hard time dealing with is the interaction with my own friends. I love them to bits, they support me, some of them even help me get out of my comfort zone and make me feel loved.
However, I seem to be unable to really bond with them as much as I would like to. I'd like to talk to them about really personal things, because I'm interested in them and I really care about them, but I'm scared that I will make them feel uncomfortable or that I wouldn't be able to know how to respond.
For instance, I know that one of my friends is asexual. I recently found out that I am too, so I'd like to know what her experiences are on the subject. How did she found out about her sexuality? Has she been in a relationship before?
Another one of my friends has admitted she has been in an abusive relationship. She refers to it from time to time in a group conversation and I wonder if she wants me to ask more about it or not.
These are two rather extreme examples, but this goes for mundane things too. "What's your favourite movie?" or "What was your favourite subject in high school?" or even "Do you have any siblings?" (I rarely get the chance to visit some of my friends, so in some cases I haven't met their relatives, while I've known them for over 5 years... Most of my friends are long distance friends who live all over the country. When I do get to see them irl, it's usually at birthday parties or events we're both going to.)
In general, I find it hard to initiate conversations or talk about myself too. I'm genuinely unaware that something I experience, can be interesting enough to share. Like if I aced a test and I forget to tell my parents about it. And I don't talk about the things that are interesting to me either. About the first time I saw a live kingfisher, the new show I got into, the video game that I beat, those kind of things. I fell out of touch with a very good friend 5 years ago and I suspect that our sudden disconnection has left me subconsciously wary of opening up to others. We didn't get into a fight or anything, but I was heartbroken none the less.
It's really frustrating. I really want to be able to express myself, I really want to bond with my friends like others do. I want to know more about them. I don't want to constantly worry if I'm good enough or what they'll think about me or if I'm actually as important to them as they are to me.
So that's basically what's been going on with me for a while. Have you experienced similar feelings? Or do you know anyone who has? Or do you have any useful advice that might help me?
In any case, thanks for reading all of this~! It means a lot to me that I have a platform I can share these things with : ).
Hey!!
Okay so I also struggled with this BIG TIME!!
Okay so here goes!!
1. Let your friends keep taking you out of that comfort zone- This will really help with your social development!!
2. Just relax as best as you can- Remember your friends are supporting you and trying to help you out as best as they possibly can!!
3. Talk about what is really making you uncomfortable- Only you can express what makes you uncomfortable, and what is stopping you from making a bond with friends.
And last of all!!
4. Keep smiling and keep doing what you are doing!!- you seem to be doing really well just with the fact that you can push past your comfort zone, keep it up!!
Keep Smiling!! <3
@keepsmiling3
Thanks for your support! I think it would be good to address what makes me uncomfortable. I hope I can find the courage to be more open.
Hello, I have social anxiety too so I understand how hard this may be for you. If you ever need to talk about it further, feel free to contact me or another listener about it. You may want to ask your friends - e.g. 'Do you mind if we talk about sexualty?' and your other friend (when they next bring it up) 'Do you want to talk to me about it?'. Good luck and have a nice day! *hugs* :)
@SilverWaterfall
Thanks for offering your help! Straight out asking my friends seems like a good idea : ). I'll look for an appropriate time to ask them.
I know exactly what you are feeling. I was also suffering from social anxiety, I still am, but I am coming out of it, I have seen lot of progress recently and I may have some tips for you. Earlier when I was out with friends I used to prepare myself before going out, practicing line in my head, coming up with what might be my response if they ask this or that, but when I was out those things don't work out. Because the minute the group's focus is on you, you completely freeze up because you are not prepared for it, you feel you cannot change the topic suddenly and you backout. This has happened to me over and over. Then I gave up one day and stopped hanging out with my friends. Friends do try to help believe me they do, but they don't understand me enough to be able to help me, in the process of helping me they might do more damage than good sometimes. They put me down saying you are awkward and sometimes leave him alone he is like that we can't help him. Now I am seeing lot of those just disappearing, I hangout with my friends more and they actually feel I am part of their group and invite me to almost everything.
Anyways back to you... The tips I promised 
- start off small, start by just saying Hi to your neighbors whom you may have been ignoring till now 
, I know there Will be a few. Just hi, good morning, how have you been talk is enough.
-start talking to friends of friends who you were only speaking with when your friend was around. This will help you improve in one area you may even become comfortable with them maybe even more than with your friend, why?? Because with your friends you know how they are and you will feel like you want to live up to their expectations, right!? Thats a lot of pressure..
Anyways all the best doing these few things. It would be better if I posted an article on 7 cups. Maybe I will in sometime..
@lightKiwi5384 Thank you for your reply. It's good to read that you're making progress yourself and that you're really part of your group of friends now : ).
I can really relate to what you've said about internally practicing conversations. I do that all the time, even though I know conversations are completely unpredictable and you have to make up things on the spot anyway x'DD.
I think it'd be good to start asking people "how have you been" more often. Or at least, initiate casual conversations. Usually people start talking to me and I'll just listen, but it's good to keep in mind that not everyone who wants to talk, actually starts a conversation themselves. And sometimes, even if they do, it's nice to actively show interest in that person by asking them.
So, thanks for the advice : )! It'd be great if you posted an article here, it might be very helpful to other people with social anxiety disorder.
I've also experienced feelings like this. I find it especially difficult if I'm talking to a friend who has very different interests to me. I worry that, because they aren't as interested in the subject as I am, I will bore them.
For the asexuality and abusive relationship things, I would say try to speak to them on their own about these things. That way, if they don't want to talk about it, they will find it easier to say so. I would think that they would both be grateful for a chance to discuss things, and to have someone who relates to what they have experienced.
@sunnyFan5020 Hey Sunny, thanks for replying~! I know how you feel, it's a scary thought that your friend wouldn't be interested in the things you talk about. I don't know what those interests are, but even if your friend doesn't initially share those interests, you could tell them what about them makes you happy.
I have a friend who's into digitally composing music. She talks about parameters and settings of the software she uses, but it's complicated and I don't always understand what she's talking about. But seeing her enthusiasm, how much effort she puts into it and how happy it makes her, I'm compelled to ask more about it and she's been patient to explain things to me.
It's nice to have things in common with your friends, but even if you don't share the same interests, you can still get them excited for the things that make you happy : ). Be sure to ask away about their interests too~!
And I'd definitely talk to my friends about those personal subjects in a 1-on-1 conversation. If they're not ok with talking about those things, that's fine too : ).
@Fluffball2339 I used to be that way too. Starting convos can be hard. Hanging out in groups takes off some of the pressure because you can do less of the talking. I can totally relate to the not telling people important stuff because it honestly slips my mind. While you can't rehearse for conversations, if you're about to talk to someone you could think back to anything that happened since you last talked they might find interesting or just anything big that happened in general. Even if it's not their favorite thing in the whole world most people like to hear about new things anyway. It helps us feel like we're not living under a rock haha. I like your idea about just asking people how they're been. That's a really easy way to show you care even if you don't have anything specific to talk about. Bringing up really personal stuff can be tricky especially if it's about them. Maybe after the next time they bring it up, you could wait until it's just the 2 of you or you could message them via text or online & say something like "by the way I'm here if you wanna talk about it" Or just say you support them with what they're going through. Just showing you're cool with whatever goes a long way and you're already doing that by listening. About the asexual thing, maybe you could say something like "I know you mentioned you're asexual. I've recently found out that I am too."
@igetcha
That's some really good advice, thank you! Just going over the things I've been doing in my life is a good way to find some subjects to talk about, but it also creates a moment of self-reflection. And I could also actively ask them what they've been up to in the meantime, both good and bad things, linking back to things they've told me before.
And concerning the personal subjects, I think asking my friends after they recently mentioned something about them, might take away a little of the pressure. And they might feel more at ease talking more about something they mentioned earlier, instead of being asked personal questions out of the blue.
Thanks again! And I'm very glad to hear that you've made some progress of your own and found ways to better communication. Great job!
@Fluffball2339 Thanks for the kind words. I love how you put it that thinking about recent events not only gives you something to talk about but also a moment of reflection. I agree about it taking pressure off to ask personal questions after they bring it up rather than randomly. You know they're already thinking about it & probably in the mood to talk about it.