Im even anxious about typing this
I dont know if this will help at all, but im desperate lol. For a long while, I thought I was over my anxiety and self esteem issues. It turns out im not, I just had the validation and attention to keep me temporarily happy. Being unimportant terrifies me, and at the moment, i dont feel particularly important to anyone. I know thats not true, but i need to feel it. I need people to notice when im not there. I need people to wait for me before they do things. Im also ridiculously self conscious. I dont know how to express the degree of self consciousness, lets just say that there is not a single second that i dont feel watched and judged when im out with people. I never enjoy myself anymore. My attention is always focused inwards. I always wonder what would someone think of me if they if they looked at me right now doing the simplest thing. I was literally eating pasta today wondering how i come off eating this pasta. I mean what the frick?? (can you swear on here? I just downloaded this app). Its actually ridiculous and mentally exhausting lol. You know how sometimes you feel awkward/embarrassed and you quickly try to busy yourself with something to conceal it? I always wonder if people know that thats what im doing too. Okay, thats enough for now i dont wanna ruin it.
@cashirekittyyour post here has described feelings and anxiety shared by more then a few here and more then many not seeking and advice or help...
you on one hand say you were temp happy with attention and validation and in next paragraph are anxious or self conscience about others watching or judging you out with people or watching you eat etc...... seems to be opposite of the first statement ........
is your worry about how you in your word "come Off" doing item? .... you say you want people to notice you .... so why worry if you think they are judging your every move they have to notice you right?
people all around you are most likely that self absorbed as well.......
.IMO it could be the social media idea that people should care how you eat pasta or everything you say or do ....is vastly interesting .... in most cases it is not ........ people who genuinely notice and appreciate you it is about who you are inside not that you eat pasta odd..... years down the road the things you remember is not some random odd ball moment but kindness and sacrifice and how they touched your life ....... you can not be an inspiration paranoid about your outfit hair and anything else about yourself....
Thanks for the reply, i appreciate it.
I wrote that hastily last night so maybe it wasn’t expressed very well. When I say I want people to notice me I mean it in the sense that I want to feel important to people. Like when im out with friends I want to feel that my presence is important and that im at least one persons favorite person there. When I dont feel that way, I get very insecure. It is that insecurity that triggers all those anxious thoughts and self-consciousness. Actually in my opinion all anxiety is rooted in some insecurity. The pasta eating example was just to convey how ridiculous those thoughts can get. I dont know how to express it, it is just a constant sense of being closely and constantly observed and judged with every little move. I have to reflect on every word before, during, and after saying and wonder how it makes me come off. I can’t just sit and enjoy myself, although i act like i am, but the presence of other people weighs too heavily on my mind. I want every person to, not just like, but admire me, and that adds pressure which adds on the anxiety, or maybe its the whole reason for it, I dont know. The only people I never get anxious around are my family, and that is because they provide a space of total security. I know that I already have their unconditional love no matter what I say and do. Of course even with friends I have better days, usually when we are in smaller groups and my presence feels more important.
It all sounds complicated, but simply put, I want to leave perfect impressions so I feel admired and appreciated, when I feel like im failing at that, I feel insecure, when I feel insecure I become self conscious and that triggers a spiral of unreasonable anxious thoughts.