Severe social anxiety lie I can’t talk to ANYONE without feeling like doodoo
I’ve been feeling depressed and anxious for 8 months to a year now. I feel like everything good I had in my life is gone. So much shit has happened but I think this is the worst one. I had worked food service ever since I was able to start working. Then I had an opportunity to change from food service to customer service. I thought that would be better cause I didn’t have to deal with cleaning and all that other stuff. I was really confident that it would help me stop being so shy. The job even paid significantly better, but I left it because it caused me a lot of social anxiety I never knew I had. I resent it now because I can’t work anywhere anymore. I think that job messed me up. I was so afraid everyday to clock in because I knew I would be facing customers and trying to make small talk. I’m a huge introvert and get so shy to speak, it’s embarrassing. I stayed at that job for six months and I never realized until after I left the job that I would be dissociating right in front of them. In front of all my customers and co-workers, I would scan their items and then just stare into a blank void for a good 5 seconds. I would be working while staring blankly at nothing. How did I even do that? I didn’t know I was doing it but what I did know was all the stares I was getting from everybody. I wondered “Why are they avoiding me? My line is open.” or “Why are they acting so uncomfortable around me?” It constantly freaked me out. I would drive to and from work sobbing because I was wondering why my customers were all treating me this way. I stayed up late at nights dreading to go back to work. Then I would start my shift drinking a ton of coffee from having no sleep and the caffeine would make my heart pound like crazy making me even more nervous around my customers. I told my boyfriend this every night. He said it was all in my head. I would be crying and telling him he didn’t understand how I felt. My customers always stared at me or got irritated with me quickly. Also, I live on a small island and the job was at a private site where it was the same regular customers every day. I worked 8 hours a day, 5 days a week with that. Constant fear. I was happy at my old job, and I spoke to customers and people TOTALLY FINE. So idk what had triggered in me but I constantly have this feeling in my head now that people think I’m crazy. I tried going back to my old job but the feeling never left. I was wondering why my coworkers were staring at me and treating me differently along with the customers. I tried controlling my dissociating but it would freak me out even more and I would have a panic attack right in front of everybody. I’ll spill drinks, topple over all the cups. When I’m getting change or money, I have a hard time counting. I stare at something that I’m getting for like 2 seconds every time. It’s like I’m forever in slow motion and I can’t stop it. Then I look back at my customer who just witnessed everything and then I think that they think I’m crazy. It’s a loop from hell. I thought I would get better with exposure to it because after I left that customer service job, I didn’t work for about 2 months. I thought I needed that time to heal from whatever the hell that shit was. But it didn’t. So I’m still working cause I have to pay bills but I don’t feel the same way at all. I can’t talk to my coworkers without them being uncomfortable and wanting as much as possible to flee from the conversation. I feel that all my customers are looking at me like I’m crazy and that they know I’m dealing with a lot of anxiety. I tried giving it time, I tried to act “cool” with everything and didn’t fight the dissociating but it’s still there. The constant fear. It’s gotten so much bigger and it’s made me not want to interact with anybody but my boyfriend (who is my rock after all this). So like yo, if somebody could help me out and tell me what’s happening with me, like that would be great. Like I thought I was weird and awkward before but look at me now lol. And again small island so depression and stuff like that is kinda voodoo around here so I don’t really have a choice for professional help except the one mental hospital we have here.
I know coffee is linked to causing anxiety in people, so maybe drinking a ton of coffee isn't a good idea. I definitely feel more anxious and ruminate more when I drink a cup of coffee before going to work. Then after I have take my first break, (I usually eat a snack,) I'll feel better.
I think another part of the problem is a positive feedback loop. It sounds like you expect yourself to run at maximum efficiency at all times. You feel like you're not going fast enough, you rush yourself, then all you can think of is "why am I not working faster?" Maybe try to be more patient with yourself and take your time. It's not the end of the world if you grab a cup or count change 15 seconds slower than you would like to.
I'm no mental health professional either, but maybe "disassociating" is a bit of an exaggerated self diagnosis. People will space off, especially at work. It happens. Did your co-workers ever mention that you acted strange or out of character sometimes? I think usually disassociation happens when you're triggered by trauma and your mind goes to a safe place to avoid the negative emotions. I could understand if you were constantly being berated and yelled at by customers who expected perfect service, but it does sound like you are the one expecting that level of perfection from your performance. I guess I'm not there to see how your customers are staring at you, but sometimes people will just stare for one reason or another. Maybe they think you're pretty or maybe you have a stain on your shirt. Maybe you remind them of someone they know. You're no mind reader, so there's no way to no for certain. They could just be more comfortable approaching your co-worker for whatever reason. You did say it's mostly regulars. Maybe they're just used to going to them. Even I do that at my local grocery store.
There's no way to control people and how they interact with you, so there's not much point in ruminating over it. Don't let other people's perceptions run your life. You'll end up losing control, and your sanity, over it. Even the most perfect-seeming people will mess up something, but it's more about how you react and recover from it that will actually impress others. "Keep calm and carry on" as the old saying goes.
Best wishes, Cain
