Social anxiety and pathological altruism
Hello,
I am wondering if others with social anxiety have a tendency to get hyper-involved with the friendships they have? Since I don't have a lot of friends, the close friends I do have I rely on heavily. I also tend to be a caregiver and often get burned out very intensely, which triggers depression. I have noticed the loneliness from struggling with social anxiety fuels the intense, unhealthy caregiving or "pathological altruism", where I get sucked in by the feeling of being needed or the person's pain is almost a form of intimacy. I feel close to the person by experiencing their pain and of course people who need help will not judge or reject the caregiver. I'm trying to break this pattern and work on getting/asking for what I need from relationships. I still have feelings of guilt when someone else has problems that I decide are worse than mine. I'm hoping sticking to boundaries will help.
@skinicki
It is such a complicated and complex cycle. But yes absolutely Ive experienced this in the past (and sometimes still do) and have also talked to a lot of people experiencing something similar. I definitely wanted to do anything to hold onto those relationships when I was feeling isolated. And then everything else you described would happen :)
You seem to have a really great insight into whats going on which is really wonderful :) Boundaries are really helpful like you mentioned but also just remembering to check in with yourself! Youre caring for other people but dont forget you. Stopping to ask yourself: am I feeling burnt out, run down, overwhelmed, are my negative thoughts quite overwhelming today. And what do I need to nourish and nurture me.
And you know problems are just a part of being alive, being human (for better or worse) :). Its really easy to invalidate ourselves and our experiences/problems because we feel theyre not bad enough in comparison to other peoples. Sometimes we use ‘it could be worse as a way of pushing away our problems or emotions. Maybe try ‘it could be worse ...but it could also be better….. Because we all deserve better!
It might help for you to imagine what you would say to someone that you felt close to or that you were caring for who was dealing with a situation just like yours!
I know theres lots of bits to what youre talking about these were just my first thoughts :) I hope something in here makes sense. Take care of yourself!
@Katie1 Thank you!! <3
Thanks Katie. I think the hard part is that for people with anxiety "nurturing" ourselves means facing anxiety which is actually scary and uncomfortable, so there's definitely an "it gets worse before it gets better" quality and struggling with the anxiety itself can feel draining/miserable. The "giving" was actually me wanting to take care of myself and feel loved. It's just a maladaptive coping mechanism.
