Is this part of her autism or do we not get along?
Hi:
I am on the spectrum and I have several friends who are also as well. One of these is 35 years old who still lives at home with her mother but acts like she is about 12-15 years old. I posted on another forum designed for autistics because I feel that just because my friend is autistic, she is still human and can do mean things. For instance, she is very unpredictable with you where she will say something sweet with you and then the next she turns around and can do or say some mean things.
For example, we talked on Facebook messenger yesterday and she nice the first time. Then she messaged me later on that night and saw in pictures that I was with another friend and that she was hoping to see me in the New Year. I told her that I would like to get together with her birthday but she said she was busy and had plans with her neighbors. So I suggested meeting somewhere for lunch instead but she continued.
"You don't know these people and I would like to introduce you to them if you didn't talk so much," which really ticked me off.
We have been going back and forth for the last 5 and a half years and it's gotten since Christmas in 2015 where she really crossed the line and was trying to control me.
@Summershy
It does sound like she is trying to have some control over your life. She sounds very jealous of anyone else who you are giving time to.
That might well be a deal-breaker for you -- it would be for a lot of people. On the other hand your own experience might allow you to tell her that you hope she enjoys herself with her friends, and make another arrangement to see her.
What's meanness, what's the autism? That is indeed the question. Well, I'll just say that meanness is meanness for me, so the question becomes for me, is the extreme neediness that she is showing due to the autism, or is it actually common meanness?
It's easier to have sympathy for someone who is needy, than for someone who behaves in a mean way, so I'm rooting for neediness. I hope I'm right.
@DavidEss I just decided that this friend and I are just not a good fit for each other and it's not just this woman who is being mean and not only is she mean but very spoiled as well. Her mom also doesn't seem like she likes me that much in addition to seeming like the busy-body type of person because when she gets together with her friends, she sits and gossips with them. Anyway, she dropped a lot of hints that she didn't want me around that much.
1. She and her daughter started talking about having get-togethers in front of me and who was invited such as their family members. Or, they would boast in front of me about how much fun with had with other friends of mine in front of me after the fact.
2. This girl also one time called me up and was upset because her mom refused to let her invite me to her sister's wedding shower and yet that mother could invite two of her friends. However, she was allowed to invite every other friend but me. When I asked her mom about it a few days later if it was true her mom said, "I don't know."
@Summershy
Oh dear. After hearing that, I'm going for meanness!
I do hope that someone in that family grows up at some point. You sound like you want to be a real friend to them, but it doesn't sound like they appreciate you.
I'm sorry for the loss.
@DavidEss I will second that they didn't seem to appreciate me as a person by accepting me despite my quirks. Rather, it seems that all they did was complain. On the contrary, though, I don't think my "Talking too much" really is the issue with them because both of them talk all the time themselves. Especially if her mother gossips all the time while her daughter talks a lot. In fact, her mother doesn't like it when her daughter speaks up before she does. One example, I went out to eat with them and some other good friends years ago after I broke my ankle and while they were at my house waiting. my friend told me that her sister found a cat and even told me her name. Her mother got mad at her for that. Then she took over and told me the rest of the information. Rather, I think it's because my situation is different and I am doing more things than my friend has done and they hate me because it makes them feel insecure.
Finally, they seem like unhappy people in general if you know what I mean
@Summershy
I certainly don't think that they are currently practising gratitude, that's for sure.
And likewise I'd be amazed if they were happy with their lot.
Let's bring it back to you, though. How are you coping with the corrosive effects of meeting with them, and what is your ideal future as far as they are concerned?
@DavidEss
@DavidEss I was mad at first since but then I decided that the relationship is not worth pursuing because I looked at both of our situations and felt that we really don't have anything in common next to a huge mental age gap between us. We are in very different places of our lives as well. Finally, I cut it off because the relationship was so toxic.
@Summershy
I'm guessing that you have regrets that you weren't able to help more.
If I'm right, please forgive yourself and put your energies where they can be appreciated.
@DavidEss No it is more that I thought they were my friends but they were were not.
I did write them confront them both for not respecting me as a person or appreciating me. The daughter wrote back and it tried to manipulate me for by putting me on a guit trip.
I was nice you you and you did this to me type of attitude.
@Summershy
Yes, sounds like you were disappointed with them rather than feeling guilty.
The redirecting energies thing is probably still a good idea though!
@DavidEss I have other friends who can't stand this woman with autism because she is a difficult person to be around and mainly because of her temper and the fact that says mean things to others
@Summershy
What an unfortunate woman. Perhaps she does it on purpose as a strategy to avoid human contact idk, all we can do is try to have some compassion for her plight - from a self-protecting distance!
@DavidEss Update: As you know I had made it perfectly clear to her that I dont want to maintain a relationship with this woman. I also thought I blocked all forms of contact with her. She tried to call me today and act like nothing happened by using sweet talk. So I hung up on her and blocked her number and reminded her via text I am not interested. I also reminded her about why it is not working for us to be friends.
@DavidEss I also felt empty 90% of the time with her and because they were not only mean but they were drama if not controlling. For example:
Since she and her mom didn't invite me over, I had found some friends who didn't have anything to do so I invited them over to watch Star Wars and each Chinese food. She found out about it and called me up late at night and left a message. At first I thought she was inviting me over but I was wrong. It was about how I was being selfish in pulling a friend away from his family at Christmastime.
@Summershy
Wow. I mean, wow.
@Summershy
Incidentally I used our insight today, that meanness can't always be put down to, or excused by, mental illness, when working with another member.
She found it a stunning, enlightening, lifechanger. So the ripples from our conversation spread outwards!
@DavidEss She had the nerve to invite me to celebrate her birthday but I could not accept the invitation because I didn't want to lead her around or give her foothold to continue to play games with me.
@Summershy
However she feels now, whatever her motivations - which may well be shifting rapidly due to her mental state - what seems clear to both of us is that continuing the relationship is not good for YOUR mental health, and that is what's important here.
I remember a friend of mine being in a similar situation a few years ago. I asked him how he dealt with it, and he said 'i keep my distance, smile, and wave'
@DavidEss Either mentally unstable or just guilty for not being a good friend, one of the two. Because, when I suggested us getting together for her birthday, she insisted that she was busy doing things with her neighbors. Then she made the comments about my talking too much so I can't meet her neighbors. I get the vibes that she didn't really want to be with me. So when she invited me to her gathering then after she insulted me, I don't want to be there. Besides her and her mom are annoying!
@Summershy
Annoying! That's a very compassionate view.
@DavidEss it feels like an obligation because I called them both on the carpet so they are trying to butter me up. Not only that, I am going through a time of bereavement in my family. So I don't want to be around people that drain my energry out of me.
@Summershy
Yes.
Incidentally, your typo energry is lovely. I will probably patent it.