Bipolar - how do you actually feel today?

Today is "Mother's Day" in the USA. It snuck up on me - it's always on a Sunday, but somehow I remember it being later in the month, like around May 15-17. But then, I had a breakdown last month and I still think it's February sometimes.

So to respond to the thread prompt: I feel really numb today. I'm not on good terms with my mother right now. We're not speaking. I endured a lot of emotional abuse and neglect as a child, and the last time I visited her - a couple days before Christmas 2014 - I had a crippling and humiliating anxiety attack. But then, when I had that breakdown last month, which could have been another anxiety attack or a huge mixed-state phase or God knows what - I said (via email) some really ugly things to her that she did not deserve.

So, today most of my family thinks of me as The Angry, Crazy, Toxic Guy and is not talking to me, and I have no idea how to repair those relationships or even if I want to.

My support network basically consists of my father and stepmother, to whom I'm not really that close but who has been awesome throughout all this; my boss, who has been through similar mental health ordeals; and a couple of old friends who trade emails with me but do not live nearby.

I'm grateful for my stepmother today. And I'm grateful for my mother, too... I dunno, she's definitely a toxic parent with a lot of blind sides, but on the other hand, she does love me as best as she can. I could have done worse.

Today I just feel numb.

Today is going to be a difficult day for me, and therefore I planned ahead and added something fun at the end of the day to look forward to.

I actually want to yell at my boyfriend. I feel so angry and hurt and depressed

I feel so depressed, I'm in the middle of loosing everything I've worked for for the last ten years. I feel like I'm on the sidelines watch bipolar me destroy everything and I am helpless during the process.

Honestly, I feel crazy. I feel like nobody understands. I feel like part of me wants to be happy, but the other part of me craves pain, and is dragging me down.

I feel...lonely. And not the simple "I asked to be alone" type of alone. A loneliness within my mind, my heart--everywhere, really. And I'm not quite sure how to fight it anymore. Not for an entire summer, anyway.

God. I don't even know. I felt okay enough today to actually go out and do something, do chores and finally get out of this depressive state I've been in. Now my energy has been zapped, I'm completely drained of any motivation I had built up over the day and now I'm just dwelling in self hatred.

*bump*

This would be a great check in tool for a lot of us. Any takers?

I feel pretty good today-- maybe 8 out of 10. I think it's all based on external factors, though. There is some really cool stuff happening in my life, and I think that's why I feel good. But! I will take the good wherever I can get it. <3

Yesterday was great... level across the board, mind was clear, everything just fell into place beautifully.

Today? So far so good.. woke up to a call 3hrs ago that shot my afternoon plans to hell, but it saved me tearing a strip out of an uncle at a family gathering. So now I've got the next 8-9hrs to waste until I head out to be sociable at my usual bar and watch karaoke. Level so far...

I'm a failure.