I need help. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm so scared
Here's my story. I'd like your opinions on if I could have bipolar? I've had panic attacks and anxiety for 3 years. Coming to uni made it worse. I don't know if this is just anxiety at his point. Since coming I've started having more attacks. In November I'd feel great in the day, would barely be sleeping and felt super energetic and like everything was amazing and always drawing, but at night it's like the energy would become too much. I'd feel super Angry, scared by my own distorted reflection, feel like I was dreaming and cry. It would last the whole night. This cycling happened for about a week. Skip to December and I became low and would sleep all day and missed a month of uni. I was too anxious about having a panic attack to go on buses And uni myself and had no motivation. In January I was diagnosed with extreme anxiety and given sertraline. When I first took it I'd randomly start giggling and generally felt weirdly good for a transient time. Then about 2 weeks into taking it, as I was starting to feel low again, I had a horrible episode, I was smacking my head off my desk, pulling my hair, trying to stifle my screams of anger, I felt suicidal in short and considered killing myself and started to take pills intending to overdose but stopped. About a week later, I felt incredibly good, barely eating, working out, socialising all the time and sleeping no more than 3 hours a night for 2 weeks. One night I felt like i was in space going through a black hole. It was surreal but I giggled at it. I crashed and slept for 3 days pretty much and fell into a depression again. I've missed all but three lectures in an entire semester as I struggled to get out of bed, felt teary every day and had sleep paralysis and nightmares. I started cutting and was really scared of going out by myself and sometimes felt everyone was staring at me in a mean way. I thought about dying and how I could do it every day for over a month. I slept all the time and overate. The last few weeks I've felt better but this increasingly high energy state has happened again. The not so good kind. At times I'd feel so high and happy and dance all the time and then I'd feel too much energy and feel self destructive. While I was in this state yesterday I cut myself and painted with my own blood. I knew it was strange but thought it was quite funny and beautiful. Now I am shocked. In the night I felt increasingly paranoid and scared and restless. So much so I again thought about ending it by slitting my throat. I even made a few cuts on my neck. I couldn't sleep and didn't want to but wanted it to be over. I am terrified by myself. I feel normal today just shocked at this other me.
@Panicanddepressionandwhatekae yeah that sounds about right, I'm sorry you had to go through all this, it definitely aint fun. Have you expressed to anyone your concern on having bipolar?
Well, for whatever it's worth I related to most of what you wrote. I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2, mixed episodes and rapid cycling. A few months later I was rediagnosed as Bipolar 1.
I haven't ever cut myself but I have fantasized about all the ways I could and would kill myself when I was at my lowest lows. I have also taken pills twice in hopes that I would suicide. I did this while practically chugging liquor and stopped at the point I could barely speak and was a puddle on the bathroom floor. Looking back I think it's because I wanted to die, but was terrified of dying at the same time. It was more like I wished my life had a light switch and I could just turn it off forever.
I TOTALLY relate to the not eating, working out like crazy, socializing with lots of people and sleeping for 3 or less hours a night for extended periods. For me those periods lasted about a week and a half sometimes less. Looking back I feel like the majority of my life was in a depressed / irratible / suicidal state with absolutely no motivation, but I honestly don't remember how often I was going to one side and then the other. My friends did call me "The Mole" because I would just disappear for months at a time and then reappear out of nowhere and make TONS of plans ontop of plans to satiate my need to socialize and make sure I'm not alone. Then the process repeats. Although, as I get older I have less and less friends and isolate more often.
I too am shocked at the other versions of me. For me there seems to be the depressed / suicidal me, the out of control raging me, the manic and mile a minute me that needs to socialize, and the seldom "normal" me where I'm in the middle of both sides, which is what most people get to see.
I am still very new to being Biploar and still in the process of tinkering with meds and building coping / life skills to help me manage it. For me the second medication I tried [specific medication name] which is still what I'm on now, has helped a lot in terms of minimizing the highs and lows which is VERY important for people who are Bipolar. Thus far (3 months) it has also eliminated my suicidal thoughts for the most part and allowed me to sleep healthy amounts of time consistently. However it has produced it's own set of challenges and things I need to worry about such as muscle stiffness and feeling quite sick from not eating enough before taking meds and also from trying to find the right dosage for me as well as possibly complimenting it with other meds for things like anxiety and panic attacks. It has also landed me in the ER twice when I tried going to a dosage that was to high for me and my body got the FULL on shakes. Hurt like Hell. I now take [specific medication name] to combat that and went back down to a lower dose and that got rid of the shakes but I still am dealing with some muscle rigidity. I still MUCH prefer this over the havoc of cycling back and forth to the extremes that I was.
I do want to state again that I am pretty new to being Biploar, but getting the proper diagnosis was monumental for me. It gave me a path to walk down when before I was just completely lost. Then it gave me the opportunity to find online communites and other people who live with the same condition and gain insight and little bits of comfort from hearing how they share the same struggles, patterns, behaviors etc. which was also monumental for me!
After stating all of that, if your financial status and insurance allows you and you are able to motivate yourself enough to go, I do feel like a visit to a psychatrist that can properly diagnose you would be very benifical. Actually since you struggle with suicidal thoughts and have already cut yourself I feel it would be crucial to seek out a psychiatrist. If you are able to, maybe even get a second opinion from another psychiatrist as well because in my case they came close but misdiagnosed me the first time as Bipolar 2 instead of 1 which is similar... but very different.
I hope you are able to find the help you need and it's big of you to reach out at all! If you have any questions for me then please feel free to ask anything.
