Unsure
Umm... hi, Im new to this so please bare with me.
I was diagnosed at a young age with bipolar disorder, Severe anxiety and depression. I tend to have manic highs once every few months and depressive lows very frequently.
As I am older i still have those diagnoses as well as PTSD and Insomnia.
I am unsure what is causing some things I have realized over the years but i figured maybe someone here might have an idea so I can ask my doctor about what it could potentially be as we are kinda in the dark or maybe i just didnt word it right to them.
When I was a child, I had very bad paranoia due to my anxiety to where I would force myself to stay awake for days at a time or until exhaustion would finally take over. There were times where I would feel panic all of sudden and feel as if I had been disconnected from the world and the things around me. I would feel as if I wasn't real and in a state of limbo almost. As if I were on the outside of my body looking at myself. This doesnt happen often for me but usually it happens when I am under a severe amount of stress or have an episode from my ptsd. This would usually trigger my anxiety and cause my body to force itself to stay awake as I would fear that if I fell asleep, I would simply stop existing. This still bothers me to this day and yet i have no clear answer on what it could be.
There are times where I question myself, If i really am real or if I'm just dreaming. Or I'd have dreams that I couldn't tell apart from my reality. I have vivid dreams often and usually I'm pretty good about telling the dreams apart but sometimes I have a hard time doing so.
Also at times I have experienced seeing little shadows at heavy exhaustion or even some days where I have gotten enough sleep the night before. The shadows dont happen often and Ive always either pushed them off as I was "too tired" or maybe I was just imagining it. The last time I experienced the shadows vividly was when I was sick at 8 years old and bedridden for the time being. I couldnt really hear them at the time but i felt as if they would laugh or snicker at me while doing so. they were the size of figurine, maybe a little bigger and would run across my legs.
I have come across terms such as Psychosis, depersonalization or derealization and yet I end up spinning down this cycle unsure of what it really is that I am experiencing.
So heres to hoping someone can help me understand what it really is that I am experiencing or could be experiencing. Any help would be appreciated.
Hi @Kat4474 ,
It sounds to me like it could be a mix of psychosis, depersonalization, and derealization. All three of those can occur within the disorders you've mentioned being diagnosed with.
Your main doctor might not know, but you might try talking to a mental health counselor, a psychiatrist, or a psychologist if you want to be certain what it is.
I hope this helps!
Hi Kat, my name is also Kat! I’m 20 years old and I can almost completely relate to you about everything you said. Bipolar, severe anxiety, depression, ptsd, insomnia, vivid dreams, seeing shadows and other hallucinations... I relate to it all. I don’t have much advice to give because I’m also trying to figure my own stuff out. But you’re definitely not alone. I wish you well and thank you for sharing!!
My psychiatrist asked me if I had ever questioned weather I was real or question if things around me are real. He said it's a sign of borderline personality disorder, which is common in abuse survivors. And those with PTSD. A therapist can be very helpful. That's who discovered in bipolar and on a two week cycle. Hope everything goes well.