Real talk (tw - self harm, psychosis, alcohol, sex)
You know... I feel like I'd be happier overall if I was just alone with robots..
It never goes away. I'm tired of people being afraid of me and talking behind my back because of episodes I've had in the past.
Like, my episodes are no joke. I stole a firearm from my dad and withdrew all the money in my bank once, and literally thought I dreamed it. One time I bashed my head into the sidewalk until I couldn't stop laughing. One time I inadvertently had someone scared for their life, and other times I've been excessively promiscuous and lucky to not have lifelong consequences.
I'm just tired of anytime I open up, people immediately going into worst case scenarios and demanding I do their suggestions because they can't take another breakdown, or when I text anything in the group chat with friends - anything funny, serious, or anything benign at all - and most of the time the chat just goes quiet.
I literally haven't had a full on episode in years, and I'm so much stronger as a person now, but I'm feeling low and stressed enough that... Sometimes I feel like I should just give up fighting it. Let everything burn down again in some random manner. I'm burned out on work, and I'm burned out doing absolutely everything in my after-work life because my family just won't bother for much.
I'm starting to miss the days when I was 14 and just starting to get seriously messed up. Best friends out of town, dad not wanting to be home, rest of the family busy, all the neighbors were ***holes. So I'd just play RPG games, work out, and chat online, all in a dark house where I wouldn't bother turning the lights on. Started skimming the huge bottles of red wine my dad never touched too. I think I miss it, because 23 years later it's still the last time I remember feeling like myself. I need space from everyone and yet I need support more than ever.
Diagnosed schizophrenic, and I personally suspect borderline to a decent degree. I don't know what to do right now. I don't want to leave the bathroom. (I'm going to, I'm not holing up) They're worried about me out there, but they won't really listen to me.
@Torean
Hello! I hope you are doing well. I appreciate you coming out to the community and speaking about your issues, even if they're not too fun to recall. I can see how you're tired and upset with everything right now, and your past mistakes seem to be creeping into your life. I'm glad you reached out for support in your past, and have tried to create a world around you that can support you. Missing the past is nostalgic and bittersweet, and I truly wish you well on your journey. If you ever need help at all, we will always be here. Take care now. :)
- Pengua
@Torean hey , thanks for sharing .. interesting stuff you're saying , feel like I can relate .. looked on your profile to see if we could chat so .. Can't so , this'll have to do .. just wanted to give support
@ForbiddenWhite123
Appreciate that! 😊 I had no idea that chats could actually happen like that, how do I even make that available? I do have a listener account, but I haven't done that in a long time
@Torean oh wow I'm so sorry I didn't see this post earlier, I really need to start spying on your posts more often ❤❤ schizophrenic must be such a hard illness to live with😞 bless you. Why are people afraid of you!?!? That's just stupid and cruel, it's not your fault your ill😥 when I think of you, I see this really sweet, funny, loving guy who I've became very fond off ❤❤ nothing you do will ever make me see you differently ❤ I love you, I care about you, and I'm always here to hug you , listen to you, and support you in any way I can ❤❤ that's what friends are for ❤❤ you always look after me😁❤ your very special to me, I'm honoured to be able to call you my friend ❤ I don't have a listener account, but I'm only a tag away ❤ gives you the biggest hug in the whole wide world ❤❤
@Tinywhisper11
Your support means so much to me 🥰🥰♥️♥️♥️♥️. The same goes for you, because I know you'll always be one of the most important people to me! 😁😁😁🥰🥰🥰. It makes me really happy what you said.
As for my post... I find, and have always found, it weird that I was diagnosed as schizophrenic and not anything else... Well, except anxiety. I mean, yeah, I have a voice, but I don't audibly hear it, it's just something that talks into my mind. By now, it doesn't happen much. Then again, I've started thinking like that voice a lot because I don't feel like I can trust a lot of people.
Kinda goes with how I still get treated for my past actions... I dunno, I feel like I only get bent out of shape about it when they talk about me behind my back. I know a couple of my friend's wives asked a girl I was dating if I was "really aggressive" at home, telling her that she be careful around me, and she was taken back by it. Another friend who used to live with me happened to overhear it too, and both of them set it stood up for me, saying that I can get stressed out like anyone, but that I don't take it out on anyone, and certainly never took it out on them.
At least half of it is from when I was going to unalive myself. Everyone heard about that... To me, though, that was lifetimes ago and no one actually got hurt. Immediately following that, it felt like a lifetime that I spent in the mental hospital, and then I immediately moved to NYC for a bit, which was a shiny culture-shocked lifetime of its own that I miss pretty often. And it's been years since then, and I've reinvented myself and my surroundings a lot. It's just sad to me that no matter what I achieve, some people just keep throwing the past back. I think thats my main struggle with it. I want some of those people around me too, but it just sucks to know that I can't count on them when the chips are down.
@Torean humans are a strange bunch, honey you deserve to be surrounded by good people, who has your back no matter what ❤ a lot of people say "your not your past" " your past doesn't define you" yet so many will never let the past just be. People never listen or try to understand you. It really sucks. Except here at cups ❤ people here are different, I guess cause they realise we are all here struggling, different reasons, but same ways as each other. Your free to be you here, you don't have to be afraid to open up here ❤ I always got ya back ❤❤ hugs you tightly ❤I love you ❤
@Tinywhisper11 I'm always here for you ❤
@Tinywhisper11
*Hugs* I'll always be here for you too 🥰🥰🥰 and it's important to keep in mind the things you're saying. And I love this community being what it is. I'm not used to having a safe place to say much of anything. Feeling less and less like the only one for a lot of things, and it's doing a lot of good.
@Torean yep this place is very special ❤❤ but your even more specialur ❤ ❤❤
@Torean
Hi,
I read your post and wanted you to know a few sayings that I live by:
What people say about me doesn't define me!
"Don't let it rent space in your head"
"Those that mind, don't matter
and
Those that matter don't mind"
Blessings, Day
@juliak1968
Thanks, kinda like that last one. 😊
@Torean 😊
@Torean I don't know what it's like to have schizophrenia...all I can guess is it surely is no picnic in the park, even for people who have theirs under control. (Am vaguely curious as to whether you take something for it, but if that's too personal then you don't have to answer)
The thing about people who know your past is they can--& all too often, do--jump to conclusions about you from it. Anyone whose life story involves anything violent, psychiatric, or otherwise controversial is at risk of being judged because of that period. All you can do is remember that most humans lack wisdom...it has always been so, & always will be. Try to find people who can put your prior episodes &/or misdeeds in context. Those who cannot or will not, aren't worth your time & energy.
You know you've changed for the better. That's what matters.
@slowdecline48
I don't know how to explain what I have. I don't know if I agree with the schizophrenic diagnosis. I'm capable of dissociating, that much is clear. Also, there was a kind of voice that speaks in my head without being audible, never really had good things to say. That voice has been very quiet for a long time. I hope that's a good sign. I was taking meds for it at one point, but nothing visibly helped, and everything gives me crazy side effects. One of them had me feeling like I was seeing cockroaches and I felt so... I dunno, sleazy. It made me feel as sleazy as bacon grease. I don't know how to explain it. It was a feeling in my gut.
Anyway, I hear you on the rest, and I appreciate that, it's just... I have so much tied to so many people. I've known some of them for over 30 years. Determining whether or not they're worth my time is complicated. I dunno, it's kind of surreal knowing that I've seen them in situations where I would've otherwise dropped them, maybe should have in some cases. It's just, this world has so few people that aren't going to hold on to those judgments. I feel like I'm constantly trying to train people to stop being judgy ultimately. I want to hold importance with them but they're also the ones making "trust" a strange subject for me.
I guess that's one really good thing about being here. I appreciate being able to be real. That's not something that I've encountered much.
@Torean hugs you tightly ❤ yep! Here we can be ourselves without fear of judgement 🙂❤ your one really cool guy. I wish people could understand the things they don't see sometimes. I love you ❤
@Tinywhisper11
I wish I was a cooler guy 😅 thank you, I love you too! 🥰🥰🥰
@Torean your very cool 😎 not as cool as me obviously. But as far as guys go, your up the top there ❤
@Tinywhisper11
I still have a long ways to go to get that cool 😝
Hey everything will be okay don't let your thoughts and opinions of others affect your life negatively. Me personally have been depressed for a few months now and feel really isolated
@angelfox777
Thank you for the encouragement. 😊 I hope that you don't have to feel that way for long
you are brave and deserve to be commended for it. It is very difficult to cope with any mental health condition, especially when your own family and friends alienate you well into adulthood. Mistakes/bad decisions can certainly hinder our progress and image. However, if we resolve to do better, we are not our mistakes. No one with chronic mental health problems can be 100% all the time. Sometimes our emotions come out because we ignore them. We cannot fight how we feel all the time. We may need to feel those emotions at times and it sucks. You have done a phenomenal job keeping yourself stable for years now. Keep up the good work, do not fret if you fall off the wagon here and there.
@ambitiousSpring4425
Thank you for the encouragement, I'm definitely trying.
Hey buddy! First off that’s AMAZING you haven’t had an episode in years. Maybe try to start a new social life with new friend groups and see if you can connect with others with the more “updated” version of you? Just an idea, sending love and hugs and thanks sm for sharing!!
@Joshmcz06
Thanks, I'm surprised I've done as well as I have. Making new friends is never easy, but it can be worth it.
Torean-thanks for sharing. I’m proud that you didn’t “whole up”. That’s a hard step and really related to that. You’ve helped me by your openness. Thanks and don’t give up on finding the connections you need! It does not mean you are needy!
@hiddenEm
How has my openness helped you?
And thank you, I definitely do what I can. I think it's gotten a little easier with them since.
@Torean I see you and I hear you, it is scary and hard to go through all of this. I hope you can be gentle on yourself and that those around you will be both gentle and supportive. I am happy you're here and I hope you find some peace in this community too.
@JessicaRussoLCSW
Thank you😊 it's a process, but I think things have gotten at least a little better.