hey there

I feel restricted around you and I can’t be myself. I feel like whatever I say it won’t even matter to you anyways. I miss you when you aren’t around. I wish I could be around you more as well. I know I really don’t mean anything to you at all like someone else does. I wanna be free to say whatever I want but I don’t think that will happen. I don’t understand you and I don’t think you understand me at all either. 

Oh *** no

You tell me that you love me, then you yell and berate me. You accuse me of not loving you because I don't care for you in the way that you think is right. You tell me to cook for you only - like this house is a restaurant. You say that everything that I do is wrong. You bring up promises made a lifetime ago before the alcohol destroyed our lives. You want me to share what is bothering me, then you don't listen. You alienated our children. You tell me its my fault they don't talk to you. But you don't even know what's going on in their lives. I feel like a slave not a wife. You tell me that I'm lying to you, but forget things you are told. You track my phone like a stalker. You lie about drinking and hide the alcohol like a child hides his toys. I didn't leave for the sake of our children. Now, knowing how emotionally scarred they are, I am not sure that was the best decision. But I can't change the past. And this burden adds to my guilt. My oldest has already separated herself from this situation and me. My middle one wants to leave but is secretly afraid of leaving me behind. My youngest dreams of the day he can leave and take me away with him. They all blame me for marrying you. Every day I slide further into the abyss. I blame myself for everything. Deep down, I know it's not all my fault. But you only blame me. You were once the love of my life. The love that I believed existed when we took our vows. Now I feel nothing. 

I love you , not as friends as Romeo loved Juliet . I know you are most probably straight and you most probably already have a guy in mind that you would like to date but at the end of the day please talk to me and tell me all about the things that worry you and allow me to love you .