Vent/Rant
Hello, I'm a female (22) and I'm new to this app. I just wanted to vent/ rant about what I think are my struggles that make me feel sad and disappointed with myself. I don't usually talk about this with anyone, so please let me know if I'm crossing any boundaries.
I'm a student attending a university towards a BS in computer science. I'm paying out of pocket and I can't take out loans. Because of this I can't pay my school before the semester ends and I have to skip out every other semester just to pay it off.
I keep feeling like I'm falling behind and it's hard concentrating and focusing on my homework. I feel like I'm never going to graduate on time. I'm doing not so good in class and I'm only taking one. I had to drop the other one because I started off terrible. And I can't help but feel slow and regretful for dropping one of two classes.
I also work M-F with a 9-5 schedule. But since its far I don't get home until 6pm. I've started this job on January after a contract position with them, and in order to keep working with them I have to get certified to consult in housing. I've tried the test four times already in four months and I keep failing. And all I have to do at work is study the exam. I'm so tired of reading and going through the course over and over again. I don't even study anymore. I cry every time I fail and i feel so dumb I'm afraid of losing the one job that I felt proud of getting because I used to work as a cashier.
At home I still have to cook or decide what to eat. I live with my partner after leaving my parents house a year and a half ago. But sometimes it's so frustrating when I have to figure out what to eat because my partner doesn't know either but he's more picky than me, I eat anything. Or clean the house, for example if I don't clean the toilet, nobody does. He'll clean the dishes and leave the utensil because they're tedious so he says he'll wash em the day after.
My partner sleeps mostly all day and bearly at night and he expects me to nap with him when I come back from home. Like I still have to think about food and homework. When I work remotely, he sleeps in, when I'm at work he sleeps and attends his meeting. He works at a non profit and his meetings are all over the place so although it's like one hour he still has enough time to sleep throughout the day.
I don't, I have to wake up, I have to be at work, I can't sleep in and I want it so badly without thinking that I have work. I'm tired, I don't even do what I like anymore. I just want to be okay and able to focus enough to pass school and the exam from work. I don't have any pto yet or vacations, I get paid twice a month and most of my money goes towards rent, phone bill, taxes cuz of contract position last year, school. (And I just forgot I had a test due and I missed it, I have D as a grade and now I feel dumber for falling asleep early I'm so done Idk what to do anymore)
I haven't even visited my family. When I come back from work I pick up my partner from his meeting/event from his work. And since it's close to his parents house, he visits them while he waits for me to pick him up. And it's like every week. Maybe not for four hours or three, but he still visits them. I have not visited my parents in a long minute.
And when I want to visit my parents, he's to tired because of work, and he'll say yes but he has an attitude when he's tired. Like I understand you don't want to talk to anybody, but they're my parents and you're my partner. Is it bad for him to act at least that he wants to be there too? But that's why I don't visit my parents.
Idk I feel so alone and tired I lost all motivation. I don't even know who to vent because everyone has their own things going on. Especially since my circumstance is not bad compared to others. I'm crying in the car as I'm writing this. I just want a hug and attention telling me that it'll be okay. I want to go out and walk, have cute dates, have vacation. I feel so lost. Please help I don't want to feel stressed anymore. I'm sorry
@bluemunchkin
I am sorry to hear that you are feeling alone. It sounds like you are there for your boyfriend but your boyfriend doesn't see you. He gets to visit his family and gets to sleep while you are struggling. How possible is it to try to see your family or at least call them?
@HopieRemi Thank you for understanding. Right now I have more time to visit my parents. I'm trying to visit the weekend or any other time I can without my partner. I can also have a call with them, but they don't really know what to say so it becomes very short calls.
Currently I have more trouble knowing if my thoughts, ideas, and decisions are correct or wrong. I ask the silliest/weird questions because I feel like its wrong or bad. If you or anyone else who sees this has any advice I'd appreciate it.
@HopieRemi again, thank you for making me feel heard. :)
You’re welcome @bluemunchkin I am glad to hear you have been able to visit your parents. How is it been for you being able to see them? I can get short calls would be difficult.
as far as whether your thoughts ideas or decisions are correct or wrong I can’t answer that. What I can say is how you feel is valid. You deserve to have time to sleep. You deserve to feel happy. You’re important
It sounds like you have a lot going on your plate -- You're working full time, going to uni for computer science, have no support at home, and dealing with some financial issues. It sounds frustrating that you're tackling all of this alone.
I can relate to you in my past. In the past, I was a former computer engineering student many years ago, similar to you, couldn't afford it, and was dealing with financial and personal issues on the side. I was able to receive free tutoring for the more difficult classes from uni. Furthermore, I kept in constant contact with my professors to receive additional help, and attempted to apply for jobs during that time. Eventually, things became worse due to personal/family related issues (I'm estranged from them), and my grades became worse because of it. I could hardly afford food and was starving most days and rationing out what I had (I didn't want to burden my friends at that time and never told them. I talked to the school about what's going on about my personal life, and they put me on this program to prevent me from getting kicked out. Essentially I had to have a certain GPA level and they offered tutoring and other resources as well...
Though, this story doesn't really end on a positive note...Because of the familial abuse and financial issues, I ended up dropping out of uni, and moving out of state. I've moved around quite a bit, from town to city, state to state, and eventually would like to get out of this particular country. I'm currently taking real estate classes now to start a different career and obtain my license. My life is much different than it was back then.
My suggestion...is to reach out to the school and see what resources they can help with (ex. tutoring, financial programs, etc.) and also, if you are close to your family/parents and some friends, maybe they could also assist with schooling finances? The worse they can say is "no".
As far as your partner goes, you might need to have a sit down with him and go over your budget. Cut unnecessary costs like eating out and look into meal prepping instead (if you look online for "Meal Prepping", you have your meals sorted out for you in the week. I can understand feeling too exhausted having to figure out what to cook for both yourself and your partner. If your partner is NOT also taking initiative, then, to put it bluntly, do NOT worry about what he is going to eat, just focus on your own meals and food).
Also, explain to your partner what you have been going through lately and how it has been stressing you out. As for him not cleaning the toilet or not washing the dishes until the next day because he "might" use it...I recommend giving this article a read and maybe he should to in order to REALLY understand your frustration: She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By The Sink. Basically, the guy in the article explains it wasn't necessarily ABOUT the dishes, but about the respect and care he should have had for his wife. He didn't understand why she was upset until she was gone. He understood why she divorced him and is warning others to be more attentive to their spouses.
Lastly, when expressing your feelings towards your partner, using "I" statements instead of "you" helps get the point across without sounding accusatory. For example: "I feel upset that after I fully clean the house, I come back from work the next day, and it's dirty again." vs "You never clean!". I think too, maybe you guys could come up with a chore list. For example:
* "On Saturday, we will do a deep clean of the house"
* "Wash the dish right away once it's used for the sanitary reasons. If you don't use the utensil within the next XYZ amount of mins, just go ahead and clean it"(if he is being stubborn)"
* Whoever cooks, the other person cleans the dishes
* Alternate days on who cleans the toilet ("I cleaned the toilet last Saturday, it's your turn to clean the bathroom).
* Divide the work into different sections: Bedroom, Bathroom, Kitchen, Living Room, & Patio. Assign a room to a person on Saturdays.
* Have designated laundry day as well!
I also forgot to add...Sometimes, it's good to go out on dates to strengthen the relationship (doesn't have to be expensive, could be as simple as taking a walk at the park while eating some ice cream or drinking a nice hot/iced coffee, or making a steak dinner at home while cuddling and watching a favourite movie to decompress, or maybe once a month, you guys could eat at a favourite restaurant, go to the movies, go on a hike/to the beach(depending on what geographical area you live in), go out of town, and make it a ritual, etc.)
I wish you the best of luck and hope things become better for you!
