How do I stop punishing myself?
Every time I make a mistake or something bad happens to me I punish myself. I self-harm, tell myself that I don't deserve love and happiness or even starve myself sometimes. As weird and irrational as it sounds it makes me feel good. It makes me feel like I am taking responsibility, like I am in control. It has become ingrained into my mind and I can't stop. I don't want to live like this forever. How can I stop?
@CurWilliam it feels great until you have massive surface area burns all over your body <3
maybe snapping a rubber band? :3'
definitely not punching yourself in the face.
also yr an adult you can move on to whips & chains if you want xP
this is somehow considered healthier, idk.
@bunnypants The rubber band method doesn't really do it for me. I usually just hit myself. If only I had person to do that last part with lol
@CurWilliam
I'm not a therapist, but it sounds like you're concerned about your health. I think that if you really want to change this behaviour, you will need to make a committment to it. It starts with changing your internal dialogue...
I've found that forgiving oneself is so much harder than forgiving other people. When your friends or family make mistakes, do you believe they deserve to be starved, hit, or burned? Probably not. Neither do you! Mistakes happen all the time, it's humans are imperfect creatures. But it sounds like you know all of this logically.
Well, here are my tips, take them or leave them.
1. If you make a mistake, note where you went wrong, tell yourself that it's okay, you're still a good person and you'll do better next time.
2. Take control of your health instead with a healthy diet and daily exercise. It's really amazing how much self esteem and sense of control I've gotten from just getting a handle on my health. Plus I look great now, much better than before. Give it a try! Good luck to you.
@TaylorLG Thank you. I am trying to change my inner dialogue, but my anger towards myself consumes me. Making me feel like a hopeless colossal failure. As for healthy living I am physically fit and exercise frequently. Yet I still hate myself because I feel like I am worthless, boring and unlovable.
@CurWilliam
Asking for help, I think, is a great first step! I'm glad to hear that you're taking care of your fitness, too.
I might get banned for saying this, but if you're not 600 lbs and immobile. you're definitely not a hopeless collosal failure! Ah, forgive me. I crack myself up sometimes. I don't know your story, nor the root of that angry and destructive inner voice, but I'm certain that you have the power to conquer it. To change it. It won't be an easy quest, but I believe that you can do it, because you want to do it, and I believe you're strong enough to do it, because it takes a person with a very strong will and ethic to punish themselves for wrongdoings/mistakes. I can understand how you feel like a master over yourself when you discipline yourself physically. But the real challenge will be becoming the master over your thoughts.
I guess you're not in the place to pay for therapy, though a therapist might help you discover the root of your anger/ low self esteem, guide you towards a healthier and happier frame of mind. Have you thought of journaling? ... I'll admit I used to hurt myself too, not so much as punishment, but as a coping mechanism. When I was in pain emotionally, I wanted to bring it outside and focus on that instead. ... actually I still do this sometimes, but it's only pinching. Anyway! Journaling helps me face what I'm dealing with and actually talk to myself in a more constructive manner. I think of it as talking to my higher self. Give it a try, that might help you too.
I've got a heart for you, man. You kind of remind me of my husband. If you want or need to chat with someone anonymously, feel free to send me a message. I'll be checking back. Good luck, stay strong <3
@TaylorLG I have taken up journaling recently. It is a good outlet for your thoughts even though I cringe reading it. I wouldn't call what I'm doing strength because the reason I push myself so hard is to avoid failure and getting hurt (which is ofcourse counterproductive). Well, I am willing to try and change that because it's either that or stay miserable for the rest of my life. In what regard do I remind you of your husband if I may ask? :)
@CurWilliam
@CurWilliam
Sorry it took me a while to get back. Been busy, and checking here is kind of a new habit for me : )
Sounds to me like you're on the right track, Will. You've accepted you have a problem, you ask for advice, you're working on it in ways that make you uncomfortable , ie asking for help, making posts, writing in your journal. That's huge. Practicing self expression is scary, it's no fun being vulnerable, imperfect, open to being hurt. But you're getting there, I'm proud of you man. Keep it up.
Yeah, you remind me of my husband. Especially when you said you're disgusted with yourself for even posting here-- I imagine that's how he would feel too. He's been dealing with low self esteem issues, I guess since I've known him. He's been alright but our current situation isn't helping at the moment.... When he doesn't get work for a while (he's freelance) he gets really depressed, feels useless, purposeless. He's definitely afraid of being a failure. He doesn't punish himself physically, but definitely emotionally. Doesn't feel worthy of going out or having fun or keeping friends.... He starts getting angry at very small things that go wrong. It's rough! I love the hell out of him, though. Wish he could get out of that cloud and realize how great he is. He glows like a lighthouse when he's confident. I know this depression isn't his natural state. I wanna help him but I'm not sure how. I'm coming to think there's alot to that old saying, "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink," Also, "god helps those who help themselves." But with depression it seems like a catch-22.
Anyways. That got a little rambly. I apologize.
Keep on keepin on, Will. You really are on the path to healing, and I'm proud of you because it can be so hard to get motivated to make a change, and even more difficult to stick with it.
One last thing. If you ever feel like shit about yourself for whatever reason, watch some videos about the cosmos. In fact, watch cosmos by carl sagan and neil degrass tyson. That shit makes me feel so cool. Hopelessly insignificant but monumentally important at the same time. It's lovely. Have a great night!
@TaylorLG
Your husband is very lucky to have you. Unfortunately, the best you can do is just be there for him and be patient. I would know because while I appreciate it, no kind words from friends and family were enough to make me love myself. That is something I must learn on my own.
Anyway, thank you so much for advice and your support! It means a lot to me.
@CurWilliam,
Oh dear... I'm sending hugs to you. <3 I don't have any self-harm experience per se, but I've had some self-starvation moments.
I'm just a human being, but I can share one thing with you. In one conversation, @curiosityofnature (thank you so much, mate!) helped me realise that you need to stop punishing yourself for what you did or what you missed out on due to your issues. It means that you have to accept certain things and then let yourself grieve for all those things (regrets, blaming, things you could've done, etc.). I think forgiving yourself is worth it. And it's a huge step forward.
https://www.7cups.com/self-harm/ , https://www.7cups.com/act-therapy-techniques/
I was reading your post, and I just recalled this. I found it relatable. I hope it will be helpful.
I don't know your entire situation, but I'd say, please do seek professional help. There are people willing to help you - psychologists, 7cups listeners, forum members and your friends& family (don't cut off your friends and loved ones - that is what bad things in your head tell you to do, I know). It's so vital to have the guts to talk to a professional. Don't be afraid of doing that. It's worth it, you deserve peace and understanding. You just have to be willing to help yourself. You have got only one life. (Unless you're a kitty.)
Wishing you courage and all the best <3
@greenEyes2019 Thank you for your support. Unfortunately seeing a therapist is not possible for me at this point in time. I haven't cut off my friends and family depsite what my inner voice is telling me, but I almost never talk to them about my emotions. The only person in my life who is willing to listen is my best friend, but she has even bigger problems than I do so I don't want to bother her with my problems. Not to mention that I am so used to dealing with my problems by myself that even making these forum posts disgusts me.
@CurWilliam
Oh dear... I can feel you suffering. :(
Whatever the issue (depression, etc.), it is clearly visible that it's the issue telling you to cut off people. I know, I've been there. Please, please don't let yourself be alone in this.
And don't be so harsh on yourself. Think about it, by making a post you can help some people (who are too shy to write about their problems) with similar issues. And the forum is for making new threads and for you to get responses and the help you need.
Lots of love!
@greenEyes2019
I'm so glad to hear that I could help you on your way, and I'm proud of you for realising these things (this is work you've done yourself, you know!), for helping yourself, and for sharing your experiences and new knowledge to help others. This is awesome! <3
@CurWilliam Hello. I understand where this urge to punish yourself comes from. I used to do the same thing. I would limit my calories, and, if I binged (I eat a lot when I'm stressed), then I would harm myself as punishment. I also just self harmed for different reasons. Temporarily, this seemed to helped me. I felt as if I NEEDED to do it, and I was hooked on the pain that it brought me. However... Recently, I just read through all of my old journal entries from middle school. Looking back now, I realize that none of this did any good, and it only brought me down further and further into my depression. It only caused me to isolate myself more and withdraw from the world, and that's something I highly regret doing.
The point I want to make here is that, no matter how badly you may feel about yourself, what good can come from beating yourself up over it or starving your body? We all make mistakes. Let me repeat that: WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES. It doesn't matter if you do badly on a school assignment, say something awkward in a conversation, lose a friend, lose a relative, miss a target, or whatever it may be that you feel the need to punish yourself for. It does not matter. Someday you will look back and see your life through a different lense. You will see that the self harm never did any good. All it does it provide temporary relief, but, the more you do it, the worse you feel about yourself. Believe me.
Instead of starving or hurting yourself, here are some things you can do instead:
1) WRITE. You don't have to be good at writing. I suggest finding a blank notebook, writing the date at the top of a page, and writing about your day. You can write how you feel, what happened that day, or, if you have the urge to self harm, you can explain the reason for that. Writing in a journal is something that I have found to be very valuable. Someday, you can read all those old journal entries, and the feeling that provides is, honestly, really f*cking cool. As I read my old entries from middle school, I SAW those events occur in my mind. They were of things that I had completely forgotten about. It was interesting to look through a lense and see my life for what it was, and see how much better it is now.
...also, by writing, you are passing the time. With each minute that you spend writing your thoughts down, you aren't hurting yourself. You may even lose the urge to do it.
2) Read. You can go to the library and find a good book. Lots of good books. I don't personally read myself, but that's just because I'm too anxious to go to a public library and find something. I'm really picky about what kind of stories I read. Still, reading is quite useful. You can get lost in the story. If you're having a bad day, and you're feeling really bad about yourself, then you can find a quiet place and get lost in a book. Let yourself go to that world. You might still be a little angry or ashamed of yourself when you put the book down and go back to your life, but you won't feel nearly as bad as you did before. Reading is like a mental "cool-down." Maybe even an emotional cool-down.
3) Find a hobby. When I say find a hobby, I do mean that. If there's something that you're interested in but you've never tried, then you can find a way to try those things. For example, a few years ago, I saw some music videos online for a video game. They looked really cool, and I decided that I wanted to try to make them myself. I did. I looked up tutorials and found the resources I needed to make it happen. I got quite skilled at video editing, and it was an outlet for things that happened in my life and for the way I felt. When I lost my motivation to edit, I started making animations for a different video game (Sims 4). Whatever it may be that you decide to try, it is all under your control. You control how long you practice that hobby, how the end result looks, and more. It gives you something positive to focus on.
If my head weren't aching, I'd try to come up with more things you could do, but hopefully the things I have said can help you. I hope you'll give those things a try. Also, please... Please don't hurt yourself. Self-harm is one of those things that progressively gets worse. I'm to the point of making open wounds and giving myself tattoos. Don't ever let it get that bad. Get. Help. And stay strong, because you are worthy of happiness.
@CurWilliam I am really proud of you for reaching out and asking for help <3 Stopping these kinds of behavior is definitley hard but it is possible! So next time you feel the urge to punish yourself, write down what you're feeling and why. Or take a nice warm shower or bath. Something to take care of yourself. You don't deserve to be punished, you didn't do anything wrong. And even if you make mistakes thats perfectly fine. You're only human, there's only so many things you can get right you know? But please don't punish yourself, life does enough of making situations bad, you don't need to assist it <3 you're loved and special and you don't deserve to be in pain <3
