I am feeling a little sad this holiday season because......

Although i've got kind and loving parents, i'm never able to reach out to them and tell them of devastated and sad i always feel. I'm alone and it's all my fault

Right after this holiday break, its immediately school test coming up, and I cannot study well due to the medication Im taking, making me very tired all the time and anxiety, depression making me very distracted. This test is important and it means a lot to me. And the fact that I cant do anything to improve my focus drives me crazy. I just even hate to cry and have break downs during this wonderful festival but I can help it, the most annoying part is that I dont even know why Im having the breakdowns, its stressful to fake a smile every time because this is supposed to be a happy holiday.

Im realizing how much of a mistake marriage was for me. And marriage was the most sacred thing I have ever believed in.

I am feeling a little sad this holiday because my niece had hurt my feeling today by being rude to me.

I am feeling a little sad today because my niece lied and said she was sick so she could hang out with her friends instead of her family when she went out of her way to cancel our plans. We couldn't go out and look at Christmas lights.

I am feeling really sad this holiday because i am severly lonely.

I am feeling sad because I can find no one to talk to. And feels like nobody cares for me. Feels like the world will be fine without me anyhow.

I feel selfish for being sad on Christmas. Friday we went to a Christmas Party at the nursing home where my aunt and great grandma are. A bunch of family was there, but I literally knew 3 people and the other people didn't know me either because my dad doesn't talk to his family, which has resulted in me not knowing anyone. So we had a party and everyone else got gifts, but I just sat there watching everyone open their gifts.

Then yesterday I went to a Christmas Party at my Uncle's house, from my moms side of the family. At least I knew everyone there, but I don't know how to talk to any of them. They care about sports and politics and stuff, and like I Just don't relate, and they don't understand my mental heath struggles. Like a few years ago I had to take a medication with lunch when I was out with family and one of my uncles made a comment about me being too young to need medications. Like my passion is mental health advocacy and education to help dimenish stigma. At that Chhristmas I did get some gifts mostly gift cards and a little cash.

Last night I went to Walgreens because they were the only place open and I wanted to make sure that everyone I live with had something to open today. I have no income and have no idea when I'm getting more money. My phone is probably going to get shut off soon because I haven't been able to pay my bill, I don't know how I'm affording my medications next month. So I really shouldn't have spent my money on buying people presents, but I felt like it was the least I could do because my cousin and her husband invited me to live with them to escape emotional abuse from my dad because I was suicidal and in the worst depression in my life. It was awful. I felt like I had to get them something to show appreciation, even though any money I've gotten lately has pretty much gone to food for all of us or gifts so that they're 2 year old could have a good Christmas. I also got a 150 dollar gift card for the gas station, but I've had to use it for food a lot, including spending 20 dollars so that 3 of us could have something to eat.

And that brings me to today. Everyone else got Christmas presents, including my dog, but I ddin't have anything to open. I feel selfish for being upset about it. But it does kind of suck. And then to make things worse, my dog is being tempermental and moody toward the 2 year old so we have to keep them separate, so I'm spending more time isolating because if I don't stay in the room with my dog then she barks and destroys the carpet for an hour. So the isolation sucks a lot, especially since I Feel like my friends and family haven't really been there for me much lately. I feel like a burden to my cousin and her family, and my dog is stressing me out. SHe's supposed to be my emotional support animal, but instead of makng me feel better I am not always anxious because I don't know what's wrong with my dog (many people have suggested taking her to the vet--but that's hard when you have absolutely no money). I don't want to have toget rid of her. And then I had to abruptly quit taking a medication that caused horrible withdrawal symptoms, and so I've really wanted the comfort of my dog lately, but she's even tempermental toward me and growls and snaps at me for petting her which she never did until we lived with my abusive dad for 3 months... so I am sort of mad at my dad for making my dog unstable. And being of the medication has made me a ot more depressed and irritable and I hate that. I didn't have any of these negative thoughts for almost a month, but now they're like constant.

It's the first Christmas without both parents, even though I left an abusive relationship I still feel alone, when I left the ex I moved to a state where my best friend lives and she is the only one I know here.

I feel so grieved with myself as I snooped on my fiance phone and saw his sex chats with a married woman and another of where he is professing love to.