Love runs out
Dad flipped the chili bowl when I told him I wanted to gameend myself when I was younger. This was years ago, when I lived with him.
I think he was just fed up. He’d been trying to help, but I kept saying things like that despite seeming normal. I don’t even know why I said it. That was a bad day. I left and walked to my aunt’s house. Dad found out, showed up angry. Said I was playing the victim. That he hadn’t done anything to deserve this. He wasn’t wrong. He was trying. I just couldn’t meet him halfway. And that haunts me. Now I’m scared to open up to my boyfriend. Even if he's repeatedly told me other wise--I'm practically repeating that day if I keep going like this.
But, if I explain myself, it sounds like I’m making excuses.
If I don’t, it’s like I’m shutting him out.
I remember a few days afterwards, Dad was notably uncaring. Detached. Which is fair. I've done a lot so, I deserved it. Still, it hurts.
@Smile4mepls
It sounds like you are being very hard on yourself. It seems that your dad was the one playing the victim, not you. Unfortunately, this is not uncommon. Parents typically lack self-insight and often have no clue how to react when their children are in distress. His reaction was wrong and now it haunts you in your other relationships. If you couldn't meet him half-way, shouldn't he have tried to meet you were at? Isn't that what a parent should do?
It's difficult to have a good relationship when you hide so much of yourself. Still, it's a risk to open up and a scary one, for sure. Maybe your bf is worth the risk? Only you will know.
I wish you all the best.
Hi Smile,
You didn't deserve for your father to treat you like that and blame you. But, please, don't blame yourself for feeling like that. I understand how that could haunt someone, but if you really do trust your boyfriend, to open up to him about it. But in the end, that is your decision to make. I hope everything treats you well in the future.
I went through something similar so I can related. Based on what you said, your dad is clearly wrong and playing a victim. My dad was narcissistic, I'm not sure if that applies for your dad as well.
But in any case, be easy with yourself. You deserve gentleness and love. I do think you might need to talk to someone 1-1 like a counselor on how it's haunting you, so they can help you work through stuff.
Sending you lots of love!!
@Smile4mepls
It sound like you're experiencing a form of guilt over what happened with your Dad and that this is bringing about stress in deciding whether or not to open up to your boyfriend.
(You don't want to shut him out from what's going on with you yet you feel by the time you're done explaining from your point of view, it might seem like you're trying to justify yourself) .
In all of this, I see how you are not being self centered. You have a lovely heart and I applaud that.
It sounds like that memory still carries so much pain. t’s clear how much it still hurts to look back on—that feeling of being shut out, even when you needed him most.
The fear you are experiencing makes total sense. Opening up to your boyfriend feels risky—like you might repeat the past. You’re torn between wanting to share and worrying it’ll sound like excuses or shut him out. That’s a heavy place to be.
I'm just do glad that you found the strength to share here! You deserve to be heard, if you feel like talking in real time please do reach out to a Listener through the general requests or take a moment to scan the Listener List to find someone you are comfortable with--myself included.
@Smile4mepls
I'm really sorry that your father reacted to you with such words and those words has deeply have affected you. You were really not wrong anywhere and you don't need to take all the blame he puts on you. Sometimes parents are like that, they vent their frustration on their kids to make themselves feel better most of the times cause even with me it happens so i get you. But it has nothing to do with what they say to you. Don't make yourself feel bad just because of that you deserve better love and compassion not these blames they put out of no real reasons. Just take good care of yourself don't worry about what people tell including what your parents tell, just focus on yourself instead of answering them back or telling anything to them, cause it makes things worse.
@Smile4mepls
Thank you for sharing your experience with us. It can be hard to share thoughts of self-h*rm or ideation with family or friends who want the best for you but might get overwhelmed or not know how to support you. I hear that your dad might have gotten overwhelmed with everything, but that doesn't mean you don't deserve care and compassion. You are always deserving of that. It sounds like you were having a bad day and expressing yourself, and I would do the same if I were in your shoes and experiencing those feelings. And I hear that that experience has impacted you to where you're now anxious about sharing those feelings with your boyfriend, despite his reassurance. It can be incredibly challenging to bare our souls like that to another person no matter how supportive they are, so I hope you can be gentle with yourself as you navigate this process. This community is here for you <3