One thing I feel sad about right now is....

My life is a constant failure. I never get any good news .I tryed so hard to fix my life and better myself and I always get knock ed of the ladder. Im so tierd of being a looser. Year after year Im falling deeper into a dark abyss. All I need is a chance I know I can meet nice woman run my own buissness maintain a household I just need a chance to prove myself

Im a failure at work, Im a failure at being a parent, for standing up for myself, for the stop/starting of medical treatment, for being weak, not spending enough time with my family, for ignoring my problems and pretending everything is fine

I don't know what's actually wrong with me. Sometimes it feels like I might just be a normal typical teenage boy, but there's always that feeling. Like I don't deserve happiness. That emptiness. That I'm filled with waste. I've tried to stay strong, I tell others that everything will be ok, but I'm a hypocrite. I try to ignore it but it just keeps building up. And I can't take it anymore. I'm stuck between life and death. I don't know what to do.

People say there is a way out of this. But theres really not. I don't even know how to start. There's not even any point of trying anymore. Even if there was a way out, I wouldn't be living happy. I give up. I don't even know why I'm writing this right now. Maybe I expect some sort of miracle to happen. But it doesn't exist.

A closed caskest at my funeral .......and no ones there..no one cares if i live or die....

I'm so done with being in constant physical pain. People tell me that it will get better. But after decades I have lost all hope. I don't know how to keep going. No way to pay for doctors and no real hope in the medical community anyway except pills that mask the problems. How is that an answer?

I feel.sad that we called him.and he didn't even ask about me. I feel sad that he seems indifferent to whether or not I am there or not in his life. It makes no difference to him. And I wish I can feel the same way already.

I was writing Christmas cards to elderly folks for my mom's work about 20 minutes ago and one card really stuck out at me. It was beige with a green Christmas tree decorated very classy- candles, beige ribbon and about 15 to 20 Cardinals sat upon the branches of the tree- there was faded sheet music in the background of the card, gold embossing also in a simple swirl pattern on the left and bottom of the card, and the music notes reflected a hint of gold in the light as well. And I stared at it for awhile. Familiarity rose within me, and felt as warm as a hug from family. It took me a minute to actually study the details of the card. I noticed the simple elegance first. Then I noticed the music notes in the background. It was then that my mind thought "grandma". I then looked at the tree and noticed the candles and Cardinals. My grandma loved music, she inspired me to play the piano and be musically inclined. Her favorite bird was the cardinal, because it didn't leave Michigan in the winter and they look stunning against the snow. I used to get candles, the type that was formal candlelight dinner candles. Everything about this card brought everything about my grandma to the forefront of my mind. She passed away a little over a year ago. She was more of a mother and best friend than a grandmother to me. We shared such a special bond. Losing her took half of me with her. That part of me that will never come back to life. And it's still hard every day.

I was bullied for being a tomboy. I felt like I was a jerk. I still go down on myself

Despite my efforts to be looser about things and not retreat into a cocoon, at a birthday party I went to yesterday I still had a break down and self-harmed in the bathroom so badly that I had to get my friend's father to help clean up the blood. It was a horrible situation, but I still felt nothing. I'm sad that I still can't seem to handle social situations despite me actively trying to loosen up