One thing I feel sad about right now is....
I feel sad right now because I feel like I let myself down.
I've lost myself - my passion, my desires, my drive - the fire that said, I can do that or I'll show them.
I discarded so much - dreams, goals, desires, wants, wishes - just to meet obligations.
I discarded me in the process. I've gone and lost myself and I know not where to find me.
@diplomaticconfucious
@diplomaticconfucious
I can relate so much... It felt like I was a complete shell of who I used to be, that I'd lost who I was.
But someone said a sentence to me that I still treasure and think about every day:
"It's not about discovering, or finding yourself again. It's about creating yourself."
Maybe discarding things and gaining new ones is how we grow, instead of trying to be who we once were.
@RhapsodyonSilence,
Concur that we cannot always be the person we used to be. It's all about growth and change,improvement on the road to personal development.It's not necessary to remain the same people,we should find our strengths,work on our weaknesses and hopefully become the person we are supposed to be and have the life that is meant for us.
@intellectualCake2979
Yes, that's what it means to grow and fight on <3
@intellectualCake2979
It's that...
...person we are supposed to be and what life has meant for us.
Life hasn't been about doing what I WANTED or DESIRED... it's been about what's expected, what's required, what's had to be done. I've never really been factored into many of those decisions -- it's a 'You will do as needed".
@diplomaticconfucious,
Sorry for the late reply but do you mean to say obligation comes first?Isn't this a sad road to go,rbeing responsible is a positive thing but being responsible first and foremost for you as your best friend and this means taking into consideration your feelings,needs etc.If you always do what is expected,you are bound to feel miserable along the way!There should be some balance!
@intellectualCake2979
Yes, responsibility can be a good thing. I gave up career paths to take care of terminally family - it set me back financially and completely scrapped that career phase. I was told - you will do this. Okay - I did and got to spend time with them as they navigated the ends of their lives. It would have been nice had it been - will you help with this but it wasn't. There were very few thank yous from the person who said "you will do this" -- and the financial burden practically broke me but the one positive - I got spend time with them before they passed.
The disappointment, irritation, anger and other emotions comes from being forced to surrender yourself - goals, dreams, career, social life, and pretty much every quarter of your life - to straighten out someone else's mess; to take on other's responsibilities; and to make other people's dreams, career, and goals a reality by giving up whatever you have to even if it means crumbling to your foundation to do it. This imposed responsibility -- has been over and over and over and I'm tired of the cycle. Again -- this wasn't will you help, it was you will do.
It leaves me with "When do I get my chance?" "Do my priorities ever get to come first?"
I don't know how other to explain it.
@diplomaticconfucious,
You know what I like saying concerning responsibility,s something I heard on a very good site,helping people surviving narcissistic relationships,both romantic and family - if you feel like you are miserable most of the time,feeling overburdened,overwhelmed or stressed out,you should stop and take a good look at yourself and your life,what is there that is making you feel this way,what are the reasons behind all the unhappiness, look within you to find what's bothering you and eliminate or detach from the reasons that are responsible for the way you feel.In most cases people tend to justify their situation or their choices ,because they don't want to deal with other issues that are hidden within them.I don't mean to say this is you or point fingers,by no means,but the reality is when me personally resort to carrying somebody else's responsibility I should be able to admit that this is my choice,because we can not control what other people want us to do,we can only control our response to their behaviour or to their wants and needs.In the process of taking care of somebody else's needs,we lose ourselves ,we forget who we actually are by compromising all the time with our needs to take care of somebody else's.I am talking here in general,regarding relationships such as friendships,romantic,family.I try not to let people take advantage of me by not compromising my plans, goals,wants and needs for the sake of somebody else's.People may not like this,think it is selfish but it is not.It is self-care.I f you make too many sacrifices in life,you become sad,bitter,resentful etc and resentment shows there is something inside you that is repressed,I think I read somewhere that resentment is repressed anger,anger that you have not dealt with which can even surface as different kinds of problems,both physically or mentally.I ha e been reading quite a bit lately about narcissistic behaviour and co-dependency issues and find that I have some co-dependency issues,which explains the tendency I try to reduce and eliminate to take care of others first before me and having responsibility to solve other people's problems etc.Generally speaking be a people-pleaser.Not a good way to build a healthy personality!So I try to work on this and not take so much responsibility that I feel stressed out!And you know what,the world is still what it is without me worrying that I need to rescue somebody and solve problems for them!Nothing disastrous happened whenI started paying more attention to me and,most importantly,I don't feel guilty because of it.Because a lot of the responsibility ,I think,is closely related to the shaming and blaming and guilt-tripping that people experience during the early part of their lives.A lot of it is due to the conditioning of childhood years when you felt not good enough.I don't know if this will mean anything to you but at least I am conveying here some thoughts,in case you care to read!
@intellectualCake2979
"...I think,is closely related to the shaming and blaming and guilt-tripping that people experience during the early part of their lives.A lot of it is due to the conditioning of childhood years when you felt not good enough... "
Childhood would be when the "imposed responsibility" started for me and really had nothing to do with not being "good enough"... when "the greater good" is the "norm" you don't realize it isn't until you stumble upon it isn't. There are additional circumstances in my situation I don't care to discuss in open forum atm... but I would love to have broken the cycle many years ago in the pre-adolescent years.
Yes - you have choices beyond your dependent year (under 18) but the crap that bothers me involve the years under 18 with the repetitive cycles of "imposed responsibility" that had no outlet, offered no options of decline, any voice to decent was hushed, and the things I had to do just were part of the "greater good" that has proven not to be the "greater good" in the long run (hindsight is 20/20).
An adult can say no much easier than a child can to situations that aren't good for them.
@diplomaticconfucious,
You know what ,I believe when you are an adult you have more choices because you are not financially defendent(best case scenario) and you can decide where your time and efforts go..In society there are a lot of things that adults are supposed to not question and just obey,including taking on certain responsibilities but .my observations are that in so.e cases these responsibilities are the burden of other people that they are not willing to take,and whoever is obedient enough or conditioned enough to take them,these people perform the duties of other people.Conditioning has for me a huge role in making people choose what they do.For me,if someone cares enough about you,wouldn't like to burden you with responsibilities to the point of you feeling miserable or broken.I also consider myself a responsible person but before being responsible for the people,I need to be responsible for ..my own well being and peace of mind .If you sacrifice your peace of mind because of responsibilities,there is something off there.Usually children are not given .enough of a choice,they learn not to think for themselves,just do what they are expected to do because they hear "I know better what is good for you", or follow Dos and Don'ts all the time and this continues well into adulthood even if they are financially independent.The conditioning is very difficult to overcome,it may take yearsAfter all we are in charge of our own life,we can't blame other people for our situation because there is always more than one choice.We cannot control what other people will say or do to us,we can only control how we choose to respond to their words or actions,so at the end of the day the outcome is for us to decide and also take responsibility for our choices.I also catch myself thinking in a way I find justifications for not doing something outside of me but the thing is there is probably something inside me which is preventing me from taking further steps towards achieving a goal.So I need to stop looking for answers outside.You know that popular saying :"When there is a will,there is a way."But obviously in some cases the will is missing or not strong enough and it is easier to not blame ourselves for the situation but someone else.
@RhapsodyonSilence
True Rhapsody - it's evolving and sometimes that involves cataclysmic change.
However - you have to be able to dig through the ashes and rubble to find the foundation of what's left to build upon what survived.
I've so much time shape-shifting to take care of things -- obligations, roles of duty, doing what made things work in the grand scheme -- I haven't a clue to much at this point.
@diplomaticconfucious,
Sometimes sadness can be a good indicator to guide you towards exploring your inner world,getting in touch with your emotions and finding the cause of it all.When you experience it all,there is usually a new beginning after that I think.I can relate to your experience - juggling a lot of responsibilities daily doesn't leave much room to feel your own feelings and do what we find best for us.We sometimes start taking care of other people's needs first and leave our wants and desires in the last.We get lost in the process and the end result is sadness and a feeling of loss.
@intellectualCake2979
Introspection/retrospection has been what has gotten me into this funk and realizing how much I have given up to meet/do things because that's what was expected/required/demanded -- many of them life altering -- and dealing with the pain of the cumulative efforts/damage especially for those I made some great sacrifices for and don't give a d*** -- and those who are just realizing HOW MUCH they actually asked me to give up repeatedly and how much I bore the brunt of abuse in some of the situations.
I'm left wondering how to get back to a place and person that can go forward with passion, desire, fire, and set my ship upright and on a good course and maybe find some happiness, success, financial security and be able to withstand the next storms.
@diplomaticconfucious i relate to this. I found me....but no one else wants it...especially when i show up strong. And the part that needs nurturing....is nothing even counselors wcnt to deal with.
So now tgers no place for either part of me....strong healthy parts --i'm the only party interested. Damaged vulnerable parts ...the only person who can heal them is me. And the only people who want me vulnerable otherwise ...are the toxic relationships& self patterns i am leaving behindi'm
@SpruceRaven
You're right about the only people who want you vulnerable are the one's that like to manipulate, take advantage, or abuse. The users do not like a back bone or someone who will fight back.
I hear the phrase alot -- "The only one who can fix you is you". You know, it's nice to have some there hand the nails, duct tape, and spackle on occasion. Someone to just put out a hand - even if it is just to help you haul your butt off the ground (figuratively and literally). So many rather walk away because they can't stand being un-comfortable. I think that's why people walk away when you're putting up the scaffolding to put your pieces back together -- they can't figure it out and feel helpless or they don't like what you are discarding because they see that in themselves and can't stand the mirror.
I think one of the greatest disservices in the medical and mental health fields are professionals that won't look past a books/articles/insurance form/reimbursements and actually look at the patiences and their needs. Not everyone who is seeking help wants a painkiller -- so they need to stop seeing everyone as just wanting drugs/addicts. That's a problem that the medical/mental/pharm industries created not so long ago -- just throw a pill at it and treat the symptom, not the cause.
They need to stop saying things are "in your head" especially to women and grils -- just because they don't care or want or can't be authorized by insurance companies for reimbursement to think more than 5 minutes about the causal nature of an ailment or issue -- Maybe there's more to this issue that if they actually PRACTICED and could REASON INDEPENDENTLY they'd realize one size fits all medicine does NOT exist. They need to quit labeling people with chronic need/issues/pain as melangerers.... that destroys that person's credibility for any attempt to get medical/mental help as well as takes a toll on the person.
Sorry you aren't getting the help you desire. Sorry for going off on a rant.
Keep the strong parts - if that's the person you want to be and scr** the people who don't like you for being strong. Just my opinion.
@diplomaticconfucious NOT a rant!😀
Thanks for your encouragement. I'll probably make it...but I don't have faith that I'll have any friends even if I do.
@diplomaticconfucious So....got my back bone back. Toxic folks are falling away. And all thst's left ...is the aftermath.
@SpruceRaven
If becoming a strong person pushes the toxic people out... you're headed in the right direction in my opinion.
Getting rid of the toxic/unhelpful people should make way for people who appreciate your backbone/strength.
It's like going in and reclaiming a garden spot/yard - you usually have a ton of garbage, weeds, rocks and whatever to pull out with a good bit of blood, sweat and tears before you can start preparing the area with healthy things to plant the beautiful plants in, let them take root, and you nurture them to keep getting bigger and more fruitful.
Is that making sense? I'm not sure today 
@diplomaticconfucious YES! That makes PERFECT sense! THANK ypu! I thinl I wantes an instant garden somehow! I LIKE it. Awesome metaphor and model to hold on to! I can see it. I can do it.
@SpruceRaven
I'm glad that made sense 
I'm really far off my game this week and most of it hasn't made much sense to me... almost like a rambling, tumbleweed but it seems to be coherent to others -- so yay. I'm full of metaphors (there are some that might say I'm full of something else 
) but I think sometimes the comparison to something in the world helps put things in perspective - and when it hits me that's the direction to go -I just go with it and hope it explains what I"m trying to convey better than stumbling along otherwise.
We live in a world of soooooo much instantness (idc if that's not a word, it is now :P) - so much is at our figure tips at the push of a button and I'm not sure that has done us any favors. (It actually seems to have done the opposite - a true detriment to will-power, planning, thought, effort, reasoning, problem-solving, misinformation, hatred, bigotry, etc - imo.)
Just remember... sometimes even that arrent weed that pops up can blossom into something awesome.
@diplomaticconfucious Beautiful....I agree that that moment of inspired synchronicity can really be the perfect way to go
@SpruceRaven
Thanks.
Synchronicity... there's a word I haven't seen/heard in a looooong time.
@diplomaticconfucious 😁🌈🌞🎵
@diplomaticconfucious You said you were a bit off your game just now. Hope things are settling a bit more for you. Sending you strength!
@SpruceRaven
Thanks... I can use all I can get. 
I wish it were getting better.......................
The only people i trusted to be non-judgemental have completely abandoned me and excluded me from our friendship group. Six years down the drain. Why are adults acting like children? I dont even know what to feel. I am completely numb and devastated.
@existentialkat
Sometimes when people don't know what to say or how to help - they walk away, they avoid, they sheild themselves.
Try to remember... that sometimes relationships are extremely transient - you smile at someone on the street and they smile back and we have no idea how much that smile could mean to them nor they how much it bettered our day. Other relationships may last months or years with us taking things from it and bettering ourselves and sometimes even discarding things that we didn't like about ourselves. Some relationships - the lucky few in my experience - survive decades. These are the one's that usually exhibit something more akin to a partnership (not being romantic here, I mean plutonically) that are back-and-forth, durable, and connect on a different level.
Usually, we are better for our times with others (not always, but usually). We have improved our selves as a result of our contact with them (usually). We've grown as a person and are able to better define ourselves in some aspect (usually).
Maybe their departure is making room for an even better relationship/friendship for the next phase in your life. :D
A friend reminds me frequently, sometimes old patterns, situations, friendships, etc. must move out of the way - even painfully - to make room for something better.
Not sure if this helped... but I hope it has.
@diplomaticconfucious You made my night. Thank you for the kind words ❤️
@existentialkat
I'm glad it helped... and thanks for letting me know -- that helped my day some.
Take care.
@diplomaticconfucious,
Wise words!
@intellectualCake2979
Thanks.
@diplomaticconfucious very valuable and true. I just have never found anyone who wanted to build something like that. I'm SOL here.
@SpruceRaven
The long term partner like friendships -- I think they are extremely rare. I can't say I have the fortune myself but I've seen it for others.
I think we just have to take the moments we're given with people and do the best with them we can. Take what we need from them -- healing, a laugh, a smile, a hug, an argument, a cry, a bruise, the belched ABC's - and just let it impact us. You never know the impact of the smallest or the biggest interaction until you've been able to step away from it and see the indelible mark it left behind.
Sure - it's sucks when you're feeling isolated and lonely. Periods without a support system seem to do things like:
1) Makes you see stuff in yourself you don't like
2) Makes you see stuff in yourself you do like
3) Makes you hate people
4) Makes you want people around
5) Makes you look at what's going on around you
6) Makes you want to change your situation
7) Makes you want to curl up in a ball and hide
8) Makes you lash out
9) Makes you pull in
I'm sure there are tons of other things I could add to this list, these are just my opinion.... anyone's welcome to add a reply IDC
@existentialkat
My best friend of 12years stopped talking to me recently and I still don't know how to handle it. It's the worse when you see somthing that we used to bond over. I'm so sorry that this has happened to you.
@indigoMelon1797 I'm so sorry to hear that, i hope you get better. I think what hurts me the most is only now i realise that i didnt mean that much to her since she cut me off so easily without any pain. She's going out and having fun whilst im at home crying myself to bed every night. I've detached myself from reality completely. At least we are not alone..good luck with that, i hope we can both see this through.
@existentialkat
We all deal with things differently. Not everyone shows thier hurt. But don't let thier happiness stop you from getting happy and finding peace.
You need to find your own path outside of the relationship....
*sending you hugs *
Im not important enough for anyone
@EnergySensitive You are VERY Important.
I've only talked to you a few times on this site and I SEE you : smart, kind, brave...still HERE and willing to keep trying.
I'm not blowing off how you feel. I often feel that way myself. I just wantes tou to know that even in the midst of where you are right now....people care...I care.
Breathe in Kindness, Friend.
May you be saved from inner and outer harm;
May you be at peace, centered, and happy;
May you be strong, healthy and safe;
May you heal yourself with Love and Joy
@SpruceRaven
That was so nice! Thank you!
@EnergySensitive Sure thing.
Keep on keeping on.
@SpruceRaven
I know you where responding to some one else but this really got to me... Thank you
@indigoMelon1797 You're welcome. I'm glad it touched you in a positive way. It certainly helps me a great deal....whether ai send it out to/for someone else or direct it towards myself 😍💞🙄🌈 Feel free to pass it on! 😁😃🦋
thoughts about the past
About the school shooting in Florida. And also about how tired and lazy I feel.
There are too many people wear stupid masks in real life
I keep pushing away my sister who continously calls me out to hang with her boyfriend and his friends. I just cant bring myself to be happy and leave the house. I don
Feeling ill over my overall lifesytle
I'm always sad, but today specifically I'm sad that I tried to open up to my boyfriend about my depression and he told me that "that just scares him and makes him want to run away". He's dealt with depression himself so I thought he would understand, and instead he just made me feel worse for even trying to open up. We've been together for 5 years, and live together, so ever since I've been avoiding him and going to a different room to cry.
@Murphy9
I'm coming to realise that not a lot of people will under the struggle unless they are in it. I know you must have been brave to even open up and you should be proud of that. Keep strong and remember there is always some one out here listening and willing to help. Even when it feels like you are screaming into a black hole. There is someone willing to listen to you and hear you. Your not alone.
@Laura life in general i guess.
