School is an everlasting hell for me

To start off, I have no friends at all. I had a bad falling out with my friend group the year before. (Middle and high school) are both in the same building. So I’ve been with the same people for a long while now. They weren’t the best people to me, I held myself accountable for the wrong doings I’ve done but what they did was inexcusable. For starters, they bullied me verbally in front of everyone leading to a girl insulting me up in front of the class in front of everyone. Secondly, they turned everyone against me by sending me threats and harassing me through texts and voice calls. Third, they even turned outside parties and friends against me completely leaving be alone with no one.

i still get cold looks and remarks from some of them, but not often. I don’t eat at lunch because I have no one to sit with, I sit in the library with a bunch of other people who are quiet and aren’t open to communicating (which I respect so I leave them alone). I sit alone in class and fear group work knowing no one will really pick me or tolerate me. I’m silent now 98% of the time, when I do talk no one listens so I stop trying. I lost my best friend of 10 years due to the incident.

I deal with an outside trauma of past abuse and assault that effects my mental health badly, being alone just makes it worse. I now fear abandonment and end up leaving people I love in fear they’ll do it first, I fear going to school everyday and have 20+ absences because I’m paranoid something bad will happen to me. I usually have panic attacks in the bathroom when things don’t go well. Another good friend of mine pulled away contact because he was dealing with his own mental health issues, which makes me miss him because he’s the only one I really had. However I support his decision to cut contact with social media (which is the only place I can reach out to him) since I do want him to get better, however I don’t think he’ll ever come back to me again which always scares me.

Im on my own constantly, I read books and I write a lot. However I wish I had friends, my grade is small so I cannot make more friends there since plenty have already been turned against me due to past rumours, the other grades don’t interact with us. I hate going to school, I hate being lonely. I do go to therapy but I still feel like I’m drowning in my anxiety and depression everyday, I cry every morning before school fearing for my life and paranoid things will go down and things will get worse. I just want to get out of this *** (I’m in 9th grade currently) and I plan to move schools next year which I’m nervous due to my fear of change. I have no idea what to do.