Unjudged and Caring Vent Space
Hello beautiful souls! <3
I realise it may be hard for you to vent completely here but it's important to realise - I care about YOU. I want to listen to YOU. I want to help YOU.
This thread is open to everyone. All I ask is that once you start typing you let your emotions take control and get it all out of your systems. Let all the sadness and loneliness escape through your fingertips and onto the thread.
In return I promise to be as helpful as I can, to respect you an your thoughts and to listen intently.
I do this because it pains me to see anyone else upset or down :(
I love you all! <3 -HUGS-
Mark AKA "Kleeshade"
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I feel like total crap!!!! I just want to hurt myself!!! I just, I just dont know... Im pretty much out of my ever loving mind right now.... im loosing it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
@sensibleOcean4592 We've all felt that way at some point in our lives dear. We become stuck in a rut and can't see a way out. You have myself and all the other beautiful souls here on 7cups and we care about you intensely. What it is specifially that has you felling this way? The idea of your psychiatrist?
@KleeshadeLoneliness The psychiatist and im so scared that i might have ran a red light today :( :( :(
@sensibleOcean4592 Thins are scary and it's okay to be afraid. It's natural. But being brace and taking the first step is a step to happiness
Thanks for making this thread. I'm having a mofo of a night right now. Horribly lonely and in a lot of pain, very little emotional support in my life (zero emotional support at the moment), and the one person I care about is the one who hurt me. I haven't known them very long and am having a hard time trusting them. I don't feel like they really listen to me or care about how I feel and I'm not sure how much of it is valid and how much is my own baggage. Didn't have meds today so I'm all weepy and whatever. Want to get drunk so bad and just throw 4 years of sobriety down the drain. Not really but I'm sick of feeling this way and I know drinking will make it stop temporarily. I had plans to go see an open mic night where I might actually meet some friends and I didn;t go to that to hang with my one friend. But when my one friend realized I was having a bad night, they straight up bailed on me to go spend time with someone else. I'm so fucking hurt, so fucking alone, and feel so fucking abandoned, and I don't know what to do with myself. I just want to self-destruct. I have no one to talk to, no one to turn to, nowhere to go. Just me and my shitty life in my shitty brain.
thanks for letting me share.
I'm so sorry you feel like that :( I feel like that too some nights... Tomorrow I'm thinking of forcing myself to go out to the bar on my own. possibly meet some people. But if not, one step at a time. What I'm getting at is, I understand your feeling of isolation and loneliness and just know that here? You're not alone. I'm going to make sure this thread is a friendly, calm space for people to talk, vent and possibly even make some friends.
So in your case now I see a lot of myself there with the worry and confusion and how it's turned into an anger or frustration. I know it's very cliché (haha! happy pun!) to say "things will get better" but honestly, they will. You need to forgive yourself for your frustrations and your worries and try to find one thing that can still make you smile even through all this hurt your feeling. For me it's helping others.
Aside from focusing on what makes you happy I'll be a friend to you :) I'm friends to all those wo want me and I'd be more than happy to talk to you :)
I'm tired of life, I'm tired of having to live with the pain. When u thought I was feeling better, and I was starting to cope better with life I managed to crash and I'm not sure what's going on with me. I'm sinking back into desperation, I don't want to feel like, but I can't run away from these feelings, I'm tired of having to live with the pain? Does it ever go away? Or is this life?
Thanks
@Creativepoet12 Having a speedbump is normal there's nothing strange about how you're feeling.We've all been there I take episodes like that frequently myself. It's cheesy to say but it really DOES get better. Talking to people, aiming to do something new every day, keeping a journel of your emotions. These are all tools that can gradually and hugely help how we feel. I'm not gonna lie, there are gonna be more speedbumps in the future but having kind, caring people around you supporting you in whatever you do is a great way to take the first step in the right direction :) I hope this helps! I'm more than happy to help continuing forward also!
I'm going to go to court soon. I'm going to ask strangers permission if it's okay for me to raise my kids. I talked to a lawyer, turns out the only strike I have against me is that I'm the father. Evidently the courts don't see fathers as necessary.
@Demus
Man, I'm so sorry you feel like this,
I have no children so I can't really comment on it personally but I do agree that courts can be unnecessarily harsh towards fathers. Unless the father has mistreated the children I believe the case should be a 50/50 trial. Completely down the middle. But that is purely my opinion. Keep me posted on how you're feeling as it progresses man! Try not to let it get to you too much. We've here for you here!
@KleeshadeLoneliness
Thanks man, I appreciate that.
@Demus
I'm going to court too and I'm scared shitless. I'm the mom. The dad he the upper hand because he filed first. He found out that if he gets 50/50 I will owe him child support though we were never married. It because I make 4x's him. The thing is, he has never financially participated in her 6 years. He's an artist that's rarely employed. He wants her 50/50 and that terrifies me. I guess whatever side you're coming from, court is a scary thing. I just want it over already. I'm sure you do as well.
@aloealways
That's interesting, the circumstances of my court date are different but when I first got divorced (about a decade ago) the court battle was similar to yours. I was an artist (painter), though I was a working one. Though I generally worked in what ever medium the client wanted. I had supported my wife through college to become a nurse. Once she graduated and started working she was making more money than I did. Things fell apart, court dates soon followed. I just wanted my babies 50/50, she was pushing more for me to have visitation. I'll be honest, nobody really wins in a child custody battle. Harsh things will be said, small mistakes will be blown out of proportion. Just remember What ever happens in court, what ever they decide is temporary. My ex took me to court every year, sometimes the judge saw my side and I'd get my babies a little more, sometimes the judge would side with her and I'd get them a little less. In truth the hardest part is just letting the bitterness go. Me and my ex will never be friends again or even share a conversation just as two people. But I don't hate her. She's going to do what's in her best interest and I will do the same. Win some, lose some.
Do you're best, it will be good enough. Whatever the court decides it's only temporary. The courts generally side with the mom. As long as you show that you're willing to be reasonable it will all work out.
@Demus
Your insight and advice is invaluable.
I feel so out of my element. It doesn't come naturally to me to be this nasty person seeking out how the other sucks and fails. It feels wrong. But my back is to the wall. I know one day I'm going to have to talk to my daughter about what happened, and the only way I can go into that without feeling like hell is to be honest through this whole process. Her dad isn't a bad guy and that's what makes this really hard. He has put his ego and artwork before her an I since day one. In that I mean never bought a pack of diapers, pair of shoes, gymnastics, school clothes. Nothing. And that's what made this become nasty. I was sick of being his financial doormat. We separated 3 years ago. All has been well until I said pay up. Things are so not well. But, I'm taking what you said to heart. Lots of people have opinions/advice about my situation, it means a lot to me coming from someone that actually has a similar experience and has kept a positive outlook through the muck. So thank you.
This was supposed to be about you though. I hope today was better than yesterday.
@aloealways
No worries this isn't about me this is about all of us. It seems our lives parallel so anything I can do to help navigate the minefield is not a problem.
I know how you feel about wanting to explain things to your daughter. My daughter was young when everything happened but her mother felt a need to explain why she left me. My ex has always been harsh in her perspective of everything. So her explanation painted me as the bad guy and she felt I was dragging her down. My first instinct was to explain my side to my daughter and to let her know what I felt was the truth. I realized though it wasn't fair to my daughter. Her mother put bad opinions into her about me and although I just wanted to clarify things to my daughter it probably wouldn't have painted her mother in a good light either. My daughter didn't need to be brought into our fight, she already had seen enough.
So what I did tell her is that there is a lot of things going on and a lot of it is adult stuff but to understand me and her mother love her very much. Then I made her a promise that when she was 18 and if she still has any questions about mine and her mother's past together from how we met to how we grew apart then I would take her out to a quiet coffee shop and I'll answer any questions she had.
She said okay, and it has helped her a lot. She wanted to be loyal to the both of us but her mother an i were always at odds so bringing her into it would have eaten her up.
@aloealways
She's 16 now and she still remembers the promise. And she's looking forward to coffee. She's learned a lot about mine and her mother's perspectives about the world. So most things she's learned on her own.
You're daughter through time will see who's priorities were where, she'll come to her own conclusions. So no worries. Children are more observant than people give them credit for. Just remind her she's loved and everything else will work itself out.
Im so sad. All the time. I feel that people dont want to talk to me bc they dont want to hear me or be around me. So then i feel it would be better for everyone to just go. But, i feel different from everyone. My meds aren't working, i cant explain myself..
@brokendreams23
@KleeshadeLoneliness I wanna talk to you!!! :D you're a great person. Remember that. we all get times when we feel down and lonely. we all need someone to talk to. so whenever you feel down i want you to do something for me. i want you to remember that i'm here for you. i want you around. i wanna talk to you. always. :)
@KleeshadeLoneliness
Thanks Kleeshade. Its overwhelming.
@brokendreams23 I can understand that. But when we get overwhelmed I find it easier to share our problems with others. to let them be a foundation to keep us from falling backwards and continue moving forward.
@KleeshadeLoneliness
Thanks you so much man. It does help
@brokendreams23 Glad i can be of some assistance :) i just wish it were more :o
@brokendreams23 I know how that feels, broken.
I hate myself. There, I said it. I am continually choosing, each breath that passes, as we speak, to harm myself. I am choosing not to stand up for myself and tell the people I am working for that I need to sleep. I'm really pissed off that they even EXPECTED me to work tonight, after a 7-god damn hour flight, I get here and NO time to settle in, they want me to watch the kids (babysitting) right away, that's just fucking straight up bull shit! And now I'm stuck here with them for 3 WEEKS, them and only them, living with them, isolated otherwise, and I am so mad at myself why I thought that this would be a good idea. For money, that's why - I thought it would be wise to have some guaranteed money, because my only other jobs at the time were not-guaranteed. If I had stayed home, I could have worked other jobs, POSSIBLY made equivalent money, but it wouldn't have been guaranteed. I'm fucking mad as hell at myself for putting myself in this god damn situation. And I'm fucking mad as hell at this family for treating me this god damn way. Fucking rich bastards think they can have and do whatever they want and I feel GUILTY for even saying that because everyone thinks they're so nice. WHY WON'T I JUST LEAVE. JUST LIKE I STAYED IN A RELATIONSHIP FOR NEARLY 6 YEARS WHERE I WAS UNHAPPY I AM STAYING IN THIS JOB WHERE I AM SEVERELY UNHAPPY AND WHY. WON'T. I. JUST. LEAVE.
@singercrystalspirit I take it upon reading this, that you're a nanny? Or an au pair? It's a tough job I understand. I could never do it and I love kids! My inability to do it wouldn't be the kids themselves. I'm too working-class to do it. I am from what I just thought to call the "bleeding hearts" generation. I care about everyone. Including you. So, you got in from a 7 hour flight and put to work. Possibly now you can ask for a day off and spend said day getting yourself pampered? A massage is a great stress reliever and I think your stress has to be through the roof. Although, I'll make it perfectly clear, I'm not a therapist. I have no training in this field. I'm just acaring soul who thinks that, judging from your feelings in what you wrote, a day of relaxation could do you the world of good. Drink coffee while a hunky guy/beautiful woman (depending on your preference) gives you a massage and allow all the stress to exit you. Even for just one day. I think that after that day you may feel differently then you do now. :)
@KleeshadeLoneliness Klee, lovely thoughts. I can't ask for a day off... they have me working basically whenever they want, on demand. I'm so mad at myself for putting myself back into this situation. SO MAD. And I am negative as far as my bank account being in the red. I have no transportation to get anywhere - we are staying in the country in the middle of nowhere (me with this family). They will give me a day off, but it's on their terms. I am SO MAD at myself for just EXPECTING them to be decent to me and not putting my expectations clearly out there. WTF. WHY. WHY HAVE I DONE THIS TO MYSELF. Why do I think I don't deserve better? I am really fucking mad at my therapist too, because HER teaching to me was to try my hardest to be of HELP to this family!!!!! That's the homework she wants me to do! It seems like that's backwards advice. I really feel I need to be slamming the door on this and looking for something else where I am treated better. But my therapist says I block people when there's conflict and she wants me to learn other ways of managing. I'm feeling so frustrated.
@KleeshadeLoneliness And - I did have someone massage me the other day... and I did feel wonderful for one day, then... this. Lack of sleep didn't help, I'm sure.... I wonder if I'll feel better in the morning, if I'm able to sleep? Does everyone hate some things about their job? Am I simply being far too hard on myself? I feel so confused, because I also know I feel I let myself get walked all over. I know I'm super sensitive...
@singercrystalspirit Hmm... you definitely seem trapped that's for certain. But then again... Didn't people always say that to Houdini too? If it's a case wher you feel you're being mistreated or denied basic human rights then, personally? I'd agree. You should leave and find another job no matter how rough things can be financially. The thing about debt is, it's kind of on a timer. Not so much us. Debt can only be collected physically and if they take all we have? They are left with no other option. However, humans are devious little creatures. We can live off scraps and STILL find a way to better the circumstances for ourselves. You will find something better. But as for your second message yes, a sleep may be exactly what you need to feel better. let me know how you feel in the morning with a fresh insight.
@KleeshadeLoneliness Hey :) I got caught up on some sleep. Not as much as I wanted, but some. I do feel better. Not great, but better. I think I'm just beating myself up, being really super hard on myself. I am not being denied basic human rights whatsoever. I have food, drink... housing, shelter... I start to get picky about what DEFINES basic human rights (like I start adding more and more things to the list of what I NEED to have) and that historically has confused me... It's really fucking hard for me too, because many of my closest friends make much more money than I do, and I feel pressure to catch up, to keep up. They are doing things without me, living lives without me, I am getting older and it's scaring me. I think that really bothers me a ton. I keep comparing, can't seem to cease comparison, and I'm SO unhappy with myself and my choices in comparison to everyone else's. I wish I could be happy with myself and proud with myself. Everything I do is always wrong, nothing I do is ever good enough (for someone) so it ends up not being so, for me. Because I got really lonely and depressed when I cut everyone out who made me feel bad, and I started letting them back in per my therapist's instruction, and now here comes all this negativity back again. Anyway your message read like it COULD be really encouraging, but these are all of the things my brain is hung up on this morning. I mean, I do feel I'm being mistreated... but I've felt like that all my life, I'm really sensitive and really particular on how I need to be treated in order to be all right. Do I love myself and be where I need to be, no matter how picky or selfish or absurd I might seem to the outside world? Or do I continue to tell myself "just learn to be less sensitive"?
@singercrystalspirit Like I said I'm not a medical professional so I cannot diagnose or prescribe. But my messages are meant as far more then simply "could" be encourageing I assure you. All i say i mean with the utmost encouragement and support for all to help make that step towards happiness.
@KleeshadeLoneliness I just wanna say how wonderful it is that dispite your own struggles you are able to support others. You're an inspiration and a wonderful person. I'm so glad I met you - seeing you in DS1 is always great. Thank you for all you do here ♥♥♥
Hey @Nagisa!
Thanks for dropping in! How sweet of you to say! But I find it easier to help here then in a constantly moving chat. My slow typing gets in the way there. Thanks a million! <3
@KleeshadeLoneliness it's easy to get drowned out or lost in chat that's for sure! This calmer venting space is a brilliant idea ^_^
@Nagisa Thank you so much for you lovely kind comments!! :3
Im losing my mind, wasting my life, and pissing on people who care about me everyday. I am 19 but I have no hope for a healthy life
@Nick773 There's always hope for life dude. You may not realise it but it's there. But I say this to everyone. You need to feel completely ready to accept help when it's offered and not just deflect it and get angry. We're all here to listen and help as best we can. But we're not professionals. We're people with our own demons too. That being said. I'll be more then happy to help. So fill me in on everything. Tell me what's on your mind.
@KleeshadeLoneliness I dont know where to start, I just went through a break up with the love of my life, my heart is broken and now my best friend, I girl who i love dearly, is telling me that she has had feelings for me for a long time, and i am too heart broken to be with her right now but i am terrified of losing her as a friend if i tell her that, I know she is the person i need in my life but i am not emotionally ready to be in a realtionship right now. If i lose her as a friend though, i will be alone in this world and i cant handle that
@Nick773 my advice? would be to tell the girl how you're feeling. that you do want to be with her but right now you're in a rough space and may need some extra patience. She may understand and it will bring you closer. if she doesnt then it simply wasn't meant to be. you're only 19 man. And judging by your mention of the Eiffel Tower I guess you're in Paris. Dude, you're in the city of love. literally thousands of women flock there every year looking for love. I actually envy your location
I feel so lost. Fragile. All my bones hurt. Even the hairs on my body seem to hurt. I am struggling so hard not to do stupid things. I wanna down bottles of booze while taking all the pills I can find. I want to step in front of cars. I don't think I really wanna die. I just want to escape. Don't have to bear all the responsibilities. Every little thing that goes against me makes me wanna cry and throw in the towel. I think "that's it, I'm giving up" about ten times a day. My brain has shorted out and it doesn't want to fight anymore. I wish I could just give up and live alone in a shed somewhere. Worst part is that I know I wouldn't feel any better. I'd miss the things I have now, the things I don't appreciate fully.
They say I'm so strong, my family, that i can do this. I don't feel strong. I feel broken and fragile. I feel like there's just one more straw needed before the back breaks and I will just stop living all together. I'll become a vegetable incapable of coping with anything. Or a full fledged lunatic.
I just want to shout out for help. But I'm too scared. I'll make everyone I love go away.
@Vikingsoup In terms of an escape, have you ever taken up a craft? Like making music or painting, pottery, dancing? Something you can really allow your emotions to take flight in. When I think of that I think of a large, open, airy bright room and in the middle we are free to escape from our troubles. We can totally engross ourself and at the end? We're left with a thing of beauty. It's hugely interesting how that works isn't it? This dark pain that we bare can be turned into something so raw and beautiful. I think that may help you in the escape you want.
You seem to hold a lot of pain inside you alongside a lot of compassion for others. This pain you're feeling? I get it, it's torture. I know it's cliché but it WILL get better. It may not feel like it but trust me. What helps is finding that one thing that makes us smile even when we are so down and focussing all our energy on that point. It can be the light at the end of a very long dark tunnel.
@KleeshadeLoneliness The pain is horrible. Horrifying. But somehow I still don't want it to end. Like I'm stuck in my own pity party. Somehow it's easier to feel bad and stay in the dark then too get up, get out and deal with the hail of emotions that will bring. Some days I hope with my whole being that it will get better, but mostly I just feel like giving in.
I love to draw. And paint. I have always drawn and painted, but the last few months all my supplies have been lying forgotten. I don't really know why. I just started drawing a little today. And for a few minutes at a time I forget to think about the anxiety and darkness. It catches up again, but those moments I forget are wonderful.
@Vikingsoup you started today? That's the beginning. Baby steps my friend. A little more every day.
I know it may seem like you'll never escape how you feel right now but it's very possible. Things can and will get better. You just gotta try to force yourself to do a little more each day. Take one step today, relax and feel proud then try again tomorrow.
@KleeshadeLoneliness I wish u could get some time for myself and my painting. Some time when I don't have too feel guilty for not doing something else. I need my own space and some alone time.
Today is a hard day. Going to my doctor and I'm finally gonna admit I need someone to talk to. I can't go it alone anymore. My thoughts are to overwhelming. And also I have work tonight. That I hate. But I shall try to take one step at a time. Live hour by hour.
@Vikingsoup So sorry I'm only replying now. I had some personal problems that needed taking care of. How did your visit to the doctor go? Taking the leap is a huge step and I'm very proud of you for doing so if that means anything. The work side of things I can understand. Personally I've never had a job so I can't completely understand but I do know that it can be so hard to find the motivation to do anything when we are feeling low. All I can say is to try to keep on pushing yourself to take at least one new step every day. It can only take a few slow steps before we are running and way on our way to happiness.