You can rant here

My parents heard some friends got into those Co-Op Senior Homes. They are suddenly looking up info about it. Makes me wonder if they are thinking of moving into one of those in the future. What would happen to my brother and I? He's on the verge of a divorce, and I'm still not a full-time staff at the Hospital yet. I live at home with my parents, although my brother has a place in Downtown, he hardly stays there anymore, only when his wife says she's free to take care of their dog. Then, he'll return home so she can pick up the dog. Otherwise, my brother and his dog has been staying at our place.

I already have many things to worry about, regarding my own life. And now this, I've been quite sensitive the past couple weeks. Knowing that they are suddenly looking online about those homes, and looking at how to apply.. worries me even more. Are they not happy living at home, with me in the house? Why are they suddenly interested in those homes and looking for more info about it? I'm afraid to ask, afraid of their answers~

I think my depression has gone so far around the spectrum that I don't even want to harm myself because it wouldn't make any difference and I'm not worth the effort.

so so so so so tired.

all alll all all all all the time.

sleep would be nice.

but im busy busy busy busy busy.

I once saw the light.

I once saw the light and realized, I had been living in darkness.

I changed my ways and became so happy. So wise. So at peace.

And then the fire nation attacked.

It took years for the world to completely crush my spirit. And I didnt fully know it until it was too late to stop it.

I miss the light. But it's so much harder finding the light again after it abandoned you. I want strong enough to keep it. I lost it. Years go by and I'm only bitter.

I try to accept the past, move on, create a new light.

But I cant.

Maybe, it will take as long to find the light as it did for the world to break my soul.

Years.

The black sunflower was once a delicate daisy.

Yet when the sunflower looks in the mirror, it doesnt see a black sunflower. It sees a dead daisy.

I hate women

exams

I'm so mad and frustrated because I feel powerless. I've turned 18 a little over a month ago and I've been trying to National Voting ID (I guess that is what it would be called?). It's very important where I live, without it I can't get a driver's license, apply for a job or from I've heard start the process to get into university ( I am in my last year of high school). I made an appointment and everything but as luck would have it, I can't apply to get it because I have 3 different Civilian codes tied to my name when I'm supposed to have one. I am binational and became a citizen by birthright of having citizen parents and by doing a lot of crazy bureacratic stuff but apparently something went wrong and I got registered twice and I have no idea where the other code came from or how this is even possible but here we are. I have to cancel 2 codes by going to this public office and presenting my case, I was told it would take about 3 months and I wanted to get it done as soon as possible but my mother does not give one flying fuck. Yet she's always complaining about having to take me everywhere (and doesn't allow me to take the bus) and about about how much of a burden I am and how I won't leave her alone. It's Christmas on tuesday (Everything will be closed) and I really wanted to get this done SO LONG AGO. But no one ever takes me seriously and I feel so stupid. I always have to listen to my mother's problems and bear her anger. I don't know what to do I can't live like this anymore. I just want to get my driver's license so I can do my social service so I can graduate high school and get a job in the last semeste rof high school (There's a call center that will take ANYONE who speaks English RN, it's not the best job but it's very flexible and I want to work there while in college). I just wanna yell and scream at my mother because I never get to feel any way, my emotions are more often than not seen as stupid or overreaction, a lack of proper patience or ungratefulness. I cannot be upset because my parents work as hard as they can but they can come and shit on me and put me in the middle of their party arguments and I have to be a good girl and bear it. I used to self harm because I didn't know what else to do with my anger and frustration, we went to a specialist and talked about it and I've gone nearly a whole year withiut doing and am trying to grow. These last couple days have been rough because there's no food left jn the house and we've all been eating around one meal a day, luckily my dad gets paid tomorrow. I just feel very discouraged, I know I can help support this family and ease a bit of the economic struggles we have. But I can't do that if no one helps me do this shit! I also feel terrible about how much I still depend on my parents, I wish I didn't but I don't have a choice. My father always gets mad whenever I ask for anything, I try to only ask for things I really really need or want but see using a lot, but he gets upset with me even if it's for school and starts demanding that I do something to help out (aka sell products from this stupid MLM thing he's gotten into) I do not want that and have myself very clear, I do plan to get a job as soon as I am able and help my family with part of my income and save anothe part. I just do not know what to do with myself or my anger anymore, I usually don't say anything and I'm mad that I don't but I can't just explode on my mother now either, I think I will go to the public office on Friday on the bus whether she likes it or not. If she and my dad are not gonna support me so be it, I will support myself, but I'm still really upset. I am incredibly upset I wanna cry and scream and throw stuff all.over the place but I cannot, that is what my father does and I do not want to be like him, but I don't know what else to do, I don't know how to stop feeling like this, I feel like my head's gonna burst, good god.

I am so completely lost. I feel like I'm in a room full of mirrors and each of my reflections show a deep and dark part of me I wish I never knew exsisted. I know there is something wrong with me, but I don't know what, and am too much of a coward to reach out for help. I like I showed up to a battle without any armor. I am using metaphors is this paragraph because I am too pathetic to share even a sliver of myself to the world. Instead I wallow in a pool of self pity waiting for someone to realize that I'm not okay. That my smile is a facade designed to mask the fact that I am cracking under the imaginary pressure I have inflicted apon myself. That every time I take a breath, every minute my pulse beats is wassed, because I can't grow up and fix myself. My good for nothing privileged ass cannot stand up and do something about my situation. I suppose insulting myself helps me cope. It's funny to think that this is helping, that by pushing myself deeper into a pit will ease the pain for a little while. I want to add more as I intended to actually rant, but it seems that once again I have jumped into the rabbit hole that is me. Disgusting.

idk if i need help or if im overreacting but heres whats going on:

this all started around september this year, when my mom had a miscarriage. seeing my mom upset has affected me and idk why im still being affected- im more anxious then i used to be and my classmates are noticing me leaving myself out of things. i dont interact with them as much as i used to because im scared theyll leave me like how my moms baby left her. i feel like i have no motivation to go out or meet up with any of my friends anymore, the last time i went out with friends was early november. my grades are getting worse and i feel like i sleep too much- i cry for no reason sometimes and wow im confused. if any experts or wtv read this please let me know whats going on with me

When anyone but Mom or I cook supper (ie Dad cooks). I have to either a)make a salad or b)cut veggies. I don't trust Dad to do EITHER (one time he litearlly put a drop of lemon juice on a WARDOF SALAD). Mom hasn't been feeling well since the beginning of Decemembt but she seemed to be getting better. But today she didn't feel too well so Dad might have to cook again BUT she PROMISED ME YESTERDAY that SHE would cook tonight. Because I don't trust Dad with veggies cutting OR Salad making but I also don't want to do shit with Salad-making tonight. I mean a couple of years ago Dad made ME work when I was SICK and he says I should have compassion for Mom when Mom's sick? Yeah doesn't work like that.. if I had to make salad when I was sick why can't Mom make supper when SHE's sick?