You can rant here

i am never going to get back to normal jewls is such a brat im never going to get en pointe i think my brother is gay and how come my mom likes him better my dad is so stupid

How do you find your motivation? I have so much to do this week, and I just want to curl into a ball and sleep.

I have a python coding assignment due tommorow at 2pm for my masters, it is now 23:16 where I live. I have had almost 4 weeks to complete. I haven't cause i am currently in a the middle of a deppressive episode. (I think its my longest one yet.) I already asked for an extension and they granted it and I still wasted a whole week again. The mark for this is important too. I have done some but, I also kind of don't really care. I don't think I can ask for another extension... I'm starting to think I should have suggested more time than a week but its too late now.

My room is disgusting and I need to do laundry, I've almost run out of clean clothes.

Also I'm scared to go home for christmas. I feel ashamed that I gained weight over the last few weeks cause I've literally been in bed the whole time. My parents are meant to come pick me up after my deadlines.

I feel guilty for ignoring my friend's phone call today. She called me and I didn't answer.

The days seem to blur into one, and I often forgot and mix up what happened one day from another.

well... that's it i guess

I feel really sad and like I'm just a drop in an ocean in other peoples lives. I don't feel that important. I know it's silly because I am important. But I wish I had regular contact with people. Like having someone to watch tv with or a phone call at the end of the day. I feel so alone even though I'm surrounded by people. I feel sad for placing so much importance on other people, when they can just drop me that quickly. I don't have anyone that asks to hang out with me. I'm always asking others, and getting let down half the time, which is fine if sometimes they asked me. I feel so unimportant. Like why am I alive. My life is a joke

*trigger warning*

I'm trying my best to forgive my parents and move on, but they make it so freaking hard. They can be so manipulative. "I will never forgive you for not allowing me to give you the love I wanted when you were a child," yeah you were too busy physically hurting me. I had a lot of energy as a kid, and I wanted to cross lines, like many other kids did. That doesn't mean I deserved to be told that I should run into moving traffic, or that I would be the cause of your death. Now I'm this person who is too afraid of taking, who doesn't want to go out, and who is scared of doing anything. I still can't please you though, I'm still not perfect. I can't get all those times they told me they wouldn't care if I died, (or worse) and they have the audacity to tell me it is my fault they treated me like that. I mean maybe it was, maybe I deserved it, but I still don't want to hear it.

Human beings are capable of such greatness, yet such stupidity.

We need to put aside differences, our aggression, and find a way to accept one another...

....and find a way to get some people off this rock before it's too late.

i want to be dead. i made an account for the bajillionth time bc i couldnt rationalize calling a crisis line, despite the fact that i was rooting around in my parents medicine cabinet an hour ago for something to od on. im jus so done. i deleted my social media apps n cant get them back bc my app store is messed up n i blocked the numbers of all of my friends. theyll get over it. i dont even have that many friends to begin with. im just so done here. the only reason im still alive is bc at this second there is nothing accessible in this house that can nonviolently kill me.

I so don't want to live with the family I live with. I am looking very hard for a job so I can stay in this city when they move at the end of January. I am seriously considering a plan B, which is, dropping medicare and moving to oregon by myself. It's the only way I can afford an apartment on my own. Why? Because medicare costs $350 per month for me. I am being penalized by the government. That is why it is so exorbitent. It literally means the difference between me able to live on my own and having to beg from a family. I hate medicare and the people who run it.

I don't want to feel bad anymore

*Positive rant* I woke up this morning and instantly started ruminating. I guess it's normal to think of the past as you enter a new part of life. Times like this I realize the remaining friends I have are my saving grace. They show me I'm not the awful person I think I am and when I am being awful, I'm able to fully apologize. Fear of them leaving is in the back of my mind but, I've learned that's ok. And so far 3 friends have seen me at my best and worst and vice versa. The honesty is refreshing. I don't feel pressure to be one way or another like I have with past friends. When those friendships ended, I felt such dread each time even of I was the one to leave. "How could I live without them? How do I keep messing up? No wonder they left, you're a mess and they aren't. " Yeah I kept messing up. When a friend makes you anxious because you can't be yourself, that's not a friend. I'm still living without them. My brain seems to want those people who were bad for me because at one point they were good for me. I'll find others who were good for me, and I'm grateful for the friends I have now. It's not up to them to keep me afloat but they help and vice versa. For the first time I think I've got healthy relationships and it doesn't require that one person always be the "strong one". It's a mutual give and take, a mutual interest in the other, and a joy I get from simply seeing their names