You can rant here

I slip a lot into overthinking lately. Not the panicky kind, but about myself. Rationally, I know I am depressed, and that there are physical and mental consequences to that, but then I tell myself, it is not bad enough to distract me from anything. I really struggle with motivation, and thus makes me feel highly inadequate. I feel like I waste my potential, sitting around. I mean, I do things that have their own benefit for me and my future, but if I could concentrate all of my power on one goal, I would probably be really good. Rationally I know that I am smart, but because I equate success with self-discipline, I see myself coming short every time. Also, in day-to-day situations. I am good at grasping concepts and with science, but people I don't get. I have read a number of psychology books from my universities library (I'm studying physics!!), and I think I get a hang of how it is supposed to work with interpreting others words, and then something comes around to hit me in the face. I feel like I am missing some essential piece of the human puzzle. It makes me wonder I am just stupid. Then I know rationally that this is not true and I scold myself for falling into the traps depression lays for me. Which makes me angry and guilty and believing I am not worthy of help, because I know what I am thinking is not right, so why can't I just stop? I am constantly torn between wanting to hear that it is okay to get help, and believing that I am strong enough to do it on my own, not open up to anyone. And it hurts. It hurts physically, a deep, tearing pain in my gut. Sometimes I just lie there and ask myself what I've done to deserve this, other times I argue that there are people out there functioning at far worse levels of pain. Then I feel either pathetic or guilty. I really don't like this. Also, slef-sabotaging behaviour. Sometimes when it gets bad, I feel the urge to worsen it. I read stories that trigger my self-loathing, sometimes to punish myself, sometimes to validate. I think something like Hmm, my symptoms aren't bad enough to feel in such a way. However, if they were worse, you could whine about depression. But, apparently, my brain never thinks I am feeling bad enough. I wish it would be different, but I also know I can recover from this. Thanks for listening

Things were finally getting better. He hasn't hit me in a while and even got a job that he wanted and that will bring in money. The problem now is we need that money now not two weeks out. SLammed by vet bills and unemployment not coming through, we are in debt and I'm left with either getting a personal loan but the website through my local loan agency who only is operating online due to COVID isn't allowing me to send my paperwork over and they said there isn't any thing i can do but send it in the mail which could take days i dont have, selling off my bonds which don't have much to them since they havent matured, and or beging my parents for money when they always made it a point to say I was their sucessful child and thier pride and joy for being on their own and independent without having to ask for anything. Last night i asked, got shot down by my father then told to ask my mother... this is why i've forced myself into debt to be "independent"

I just don't feel good. I have cramps. and I'm feeling very tired. But it's only 6pm. My sleep is still all messed up since moving across the country. I feel a little afraid here. I'm afraid of hurricanes and this stupid house my sister picked is cheaply built. I can see all the cheap materials they used. And these people I live with keep commenting on all the cheap materials used to build the house. Plus the man of the two people i live with, treats me like shit. I can't stand him. I am going to start to ignore him completely, unless he speaks to me. Otherwise why should I bother talking to someone who is mean to me? I keep telling myself that he and she are external to me. They are not internal to me unless i let them be, and i am trying hard not to let them be.

I feel scared as I might get a traffic ticket in the mail. I accidentally drove passed a broken traffic light that was blinking red. No cop pulled me over but I’m still scared as traffic cams might have gotten a photo of me. I don’t know if I should relax or be fearful for the worst case scenario.

He was my only friend and confidant. I told him I loved him, and believed he liked me too. I feel so foolish for the making the mistake of trusting. He was once my friend and now the only thing left are unanswered emails and the emptiness I feel inside. I no longer want to live with this pain.

You are absolutely wonderful for making this post and nobody needs to worry about reading what I say because it will probably be really long and I just need to get some stuff off my chest. I have some childhood trauma that I thought I had under control until recently and I’m not really sure how to handle it now. When I was growing up my dad was physically abusive toward my mom and emotionally abusive to me and my brother. One night when I was 11 things got really out of control and ended with my dad in jail and my mom finally deciding to get a divorce. The only problem was that I blamed myself for the entire ordeal and it took me a couple of years to realize that it wasn’t. The next few years I was back and forth between my moms and my dads house because I felt guilty for leaving my dad all alone but he still wasn’t a great person to be around and we ended up having a lot of issues. I’m 20 now and my parents got back together about 4 years ago and things have kinda started to go downhill again. Me and my dad got into a small argument a couple weeks ago and my mom kind of sided with me on it. The next morning I woke up to them yelling at each other about it and my dad basically said I was a manipulative b*tch and a whole bunch of other pretty nasty things while my mom defended me. At one point he said that he wouldn’t care if I died tomorrow and that he blamed me for their divorce. But all of that just brought back a whole bunch of emotions and guilt that I had suppressed a long time ago and whenever I tried to talk to my mom about how much it affected me she told me to just let it roll off my back. I’ve also had a lot of other things on my mind and I’m just feeling overwhelmed. I try to be there for all of my friends and family whenever they need to vent but lately they haven’t been doing the same. And I can completely understand it but I just need someone to talk to because I’ve been spiraling into a pretty bad depression and nothing I do is making it better.

Today I have a virtual appointment with a psychiatrist (who I believe are the last refuge of a mentally ill person. I find them arrogant, egotistical and dreadful listeners). If he can't give some hope I may commit myself to keep from committing suicide...that's IF they'll take me. The mental health situation in my state is wack. The last friend I had who did a minute in psych lockdown was sent four hours away from home because that was the closest psych bed available. I am tired and I am scared.

I have school and work soon but i’m so tired I overcommit to things because i love to stay busy but when i comes down to it i hate attending meetings and being involved but at the same time i am a social person. ugh it’s hard to explain but i hate obligation

Hi! I am new here... ive started considering going through counceling and am awaiting some calls backs. I have been going through stages of just not having any motiviation to do anything. I have to really push myself. Im not having insomnia and i am sleeping a bit more but nothing too out of the ordinary. I feel like people dont like me and just include me cause they feel bad. Then i will start crying for no reason. Then i will go through happy periods where i feel calm and collected. My boyfriend suffers from depression as well and said i should try to gonto therapy as well. Hes trying to be supportive but he isnt a very affectionate person sometimes. I guess i expecting him to love on me i suppose. I already know he isnt a super affectionate person so idk what i expect lol. I just feel like a burden.. i also have anxiety and worry all the time... ill post in that thread in a few minutes as well. Thanks for listening..

I got pissed off at my dad treating me like a child again. I'm 30 years old and I was happy about the fact for the first time I was able to get ramyeon from the pot into a bowl by myself! But Dad (who was on the phone) said "normally he would help me and I don't want you to get scald" but if I don't practice on my own how can I ever learn? Mom has suggested in the past I eat from the pot itself but for some reason, I don't know Dad doesn't like that idea about me eating from the pot. He also doesn't like me cooking on the stove to make lunches for myself