hopeless and helpless

[LONG]

At this point I am just convinced that there is simply no help. I have tried to help myself over and over again before; I tried so hard to convince people that I need help, I desperately do, but I swear it's either they don't care, or they do only for the sake of 'not feeling bad' - in which the latter case just sprouts another problem...which is neglect, because they know they can't help me in the first place and end up dropping me all over.

I'll elaborate a bit about my point. There is no help for me. NONE. But I need it, and I crave it, and I really, really feel like I'm going to break if I don't receive it. Still, it doesn't exist. Not in my life.

1. I understand that the first people I should reach out to are my parents. I understand this so, so much and it has been recommended to me thousands of times before by different people. This is not an option, though. Yes, I have tried to reach out to my parents. Their reaction? Anger was a reflex, religious lecture was a response. I even begged them to please, please, please, take me to the doctor. And, they did. And, they stopped.

2. My friends cannot help me. They are not professionals, they cannot provide me the help I need, and, most importantly, they have their own share of problems and I shouldn't be adding to that pile. They are just teenagers like me; they are busy, they have family, they have their other friends, in other words, they don't have full time for me. Sure I can talk it out with them. Most of the time I just make both sides (mine and theirs) uncomfortable, though.

3. School counselor is at the bottom of the list. Just huge no-no. I tried to ask them for help. They...uh, became hostile. I wish I was kidding. They called me weak, a crybaby, which just made me cry even more, they assured me that the world is cruel and terrible so I should be able to face it...to be frank I don't want to repeat what they said. But, yes, since they said those things to me, I don't think I want to return. Ever.

4. Mental health service in my country, Indonesia, is scarce. It's almost non-existent. We simply don't care - or rather, we simply don't believe in the concept of mental health. Therapists are scarce, and as a result? The fee becomes ridiculously high. In our hospital system, unlike most other countries, we don't have 'psych ward', unless it is a mental hospital, of course. In fact, in my nearest hospital, there are only roughly 3 available therapists. In the other nearest hospital, there is only 1. Have I consulted all of them? Yup. Did it work out well? Nope. I just felt worse. Worse, worse, worse. So I stopped going, much to my parents' great delight.

5. There is no suicide hotline. Gosh, there is no hotline at all. None. I found one before, but it was...shut down. I found another one, which was also already shut down, and finally, a last one, which is not available 24/7 and can only provide call service (I mean, as someone with phone anxiety, I can't do that). Oh, it's also amateur. You can look into the depths of the world and I guarantee you that there is no professional, or at least government-oriented hotlines with trained listeners.

6. During times of mental emergency I cannot just easily go to the hospital's ER. Trust me, I have tried. Twice. They gave me indigestion medicine and sent me home. Twice.

7. Nope, there are no social workers, social organizations and/or social clubs around here. Not that I know of. Even if they do exist they must be so far away. Also, I cannot go out of the house by myself. No, I don't have trains or subway near me. No, I cannot just walk to my destination, because it's super dangerous.

8. Online therapy is also not an option. I don't have my own cards to pay. I obviously cannot ask my parents to pay, let alone any other people (relatives, friends of family, etc).

Basically I have given up on help. It feels so easy to slip and give it up altogether. It's really frustrating, because going on without help is eating me from inside out; it's destroying my friendships, my relationship with my parents, my school life, my future.

So far, there is not a day going on that I don't think about giving up. Still, I push through. But I'm at my nadir.

Please, help me.