How do i know if i'm just slow & ignorant? Or i have some sort of disability or mental disorder?
Hey guys, it's me again. I just want try and make my explaination as simple, to the point and easy to understand.
Yes, i have opened 2 previous threads here,
1) is about "Signs of Chronic Loneliness" because i have been lonely all my life.
2) is about my "Toxic Mother"
I am planning to make a 3rd one "Common Struggles Lonely people Deal with in Everyday Life". But before i post that list, it just accured to me maybe the cause of myself feeling miserable and living a miserable life do to my many weaknesses unlucky/sad fate, could be because i have Disability of some sort like AS or ASD or some sorf of Autism? I'm getting a headache (because my brain can take in just so much of info at a time) just reading about the symptons and i did a couple of tests, the points i got was "Austims Likely". And after reading 10 symptoms of Asperger i got 5 of the symptoms spot on.
However after reading a bit more details i might just be a very very very slow person and a very incompent person at work and social life 
. That is all. It might just be a 50/50 thing i don't know. I have finally difficulty so i'm sure if i can fork enough money to be diagnose. If not still can't just go about with my life feeling so depress inside and move on without doing anything about it? i have tried. I recently lost my 1 and only friend that took me years to find. She is my only friend who knows all the nonsense i have been dealing with, and now she's gone. I know why because i was to clingy, needy and desperate for her attention. She has also told me that i'm boring and talk about the same thing and that i'm just so slow at everything etc.
Now i feel so depress and helpless. 
@Kate30
I have finally difficulty so i'm sure if i can fork enough money to be diagnose.
**Sorry about this. Let me correct it.
I have financial difficulty, so i'm not sure if i can fork out enough money to be diagnose.
@Kate30
MY SLOWNESS in WHATEVER that i DO.
I will give an example of how slow i am, it will take me about 3 months to finish reading a 200+pages of a fiction novel. I notice that some people can easily finish it in one night even if they need to work the next day.
I just get bored after reading 30pages straight (not bored of the story but just tired of having to read so much). That's why it takes me a very long time to finish it even if its a good book.
It will take me about an hour to finish cooking a meal even when all the ingredients are ready.
i drive slowly because i like to becareful when i drive and take my time. That is why sometimes people overtake me or they just honk me.
i always have to struggle at work and put twice as much effort to complete a task which most of the time i have a lot of mistakes even if i manage to complete it on time.
OMG!!! The LIST goes on. I do want to share about my incompetent work experience at the "Work" board but there seems to be nobody there.
@Kate30
Very sorry to hear of your struggle...About financial difficulty, if you really want to seek answers, there are professionals that offer payment plans and are affordable...And it's heartbreaking to think that you are questioning yourself so much. I hope you find the answers that you seek and that your life improves for the better ☺
@Toomuch2say2day All i actually needed was for my friend to be with me, to go through this together, but now she's left me. She has not read or replied any of my messages for 2 weeks now. This is how she is, i've been here. I'm too frustrated and depress to talk about this very short lived of a friendship, It was only about 2 years but that 2 years ment everything to me but didn't mean as much to her. Why you say? Because she is the one with a happy life with a happy family, she has all those things that make a life meaningful that i don't have..And for me to ever find another person like her is like once in a blue moon thing that hardly even happens anyway. Life is UNFAIR for some people. That is just reality for them/for me.
@Kate30
If it really was a positive friendship, I hope that she contacts you...I really hope that you develop good relationships where you feel valued, understood and connect...What is in your comfort zone to meet new friends?
@Toomuch2say2day
Hey there. Thanks for replying!. Well i use to be interested in making online friends. But to keep my story short, after years of being ill (i don't like explaining this but i need to because it has a big impact on my life now) i lost a couple of my long time casual friends who were really nice to me, though we were not close.
I had no choice. It was a very hard time for me. I didn't share that very sad experience of my life with them but just to inform them that i was sick. Because you know only those people who are close to you are suppose to be there for you in the time of need not people who are not do you agree? And being sick alone, lonely the sadness and fear was too overwhelming i just didn't have the energy even to pretend that i was "happy" to listen to them but deep down i was nothing close to their happiness level. So i lost them. Tried contacting but they were not interesting to be friends with me any more.
Even now i just have lost that desire to make friends because i feel so depress inside.It was already a struggle to make friends when i was well back then. But it's even harder now. The sadness of loosing 1 more friend who i felt was really close to me who i can share my this pain. It's too much of a lost for me. It would be different if i had a sibling or relative or somebody else besides her who i can call a friend but i don't.
What matters to me now is to make my own self happy. But even that is hard to do.
@Toomuch2say2day
BTW thanks for your suggestion. I might try to talk to them. I'm still not sure yet when i'm going to deal with that. I wish i didn't have too.
@Kate30
You're very welcome...What's great is it's your choice and within your power, so if you don't want to, you don't have to. If you want to go that route, be prepared, it can be a lengthy process. From what you described, there could be so many explinations. Whatever you decide, I hope you find peace and get the information that you need to lead a happy and healthy life.
@Toomuch2say2day
The thing is, that i have tried caunseling even at my place /hometown. It's a long story. But to cut it short it was really disappointing. Now i have trust issues with those kind of people. The hardest part is having to share with them those very private and painful stories that you wish you need not talk about it over and over again. But it's just my luck, if i continue to do so i would have to start and do it all over again. The frustration of it all.
@Kate30
I'm sorry, I haven't logged into 7 cups for a very long time.
Have things improved?
To go on feeling depressed inside without doing anything about it would be terrible! I read those other threads, the one back in February about how your mother sucks the life out of you and the one about all the signs of chronic loneliness. It's impossible to work out what's really going on in an Internet forum or by doing online tests, of course. Only a professional diagnosis could identify whether you have some illness or permanent disability.
It seems to me the striking thing about what you've written here is how much you understand about your situation. You don't come across as completely depressed and helpless, although I understand that you feel that way. To me you come across in your writing as perceptive, knowledgeable and determined. I can imagine that perhaps having to cope with a toxic mother for so long has caused you many, many problems.
If you'd ever like to chat about these things, feel free to send me a message.
@Kate30
@RarelyCharlie
Thanks for reading my threads. I really needed to share that big part of my life with somebody but i didn't know who so i guess this place looks like a suitable place for that. I just wish that others would also share their stories in my threads and how they are coping because i suppose people who face the same problems understand each other the most.
Oh dear, i really didn't expect to open this thread so soon. I felt calm and have a sense of control when my friend was here for me. I already knew what i needed to do before i go and get a part time job for myself. I have serious job issues, my incompetence at work you see. So my plan next was to find an active listener from my country here at the 7 cups so i can share about that with her/him.
I didn't want to burden my only friend with another problem of mine i really didn't want that to happend. I didn't want her to get bored of me and my problems. But i guess its to late for that now. She's left me already ..
About the disabilty or mental illness thing came about when i was searching for others who might be a very slow worker like me and can't keep a steady job for themselves. That was the main problem that i was having before i fell ill. I also always get bullied at work.
@Kate30
Now everything is crashing down again. I can't take this anymore. Like i don't have enough on my plate to deal with, now this?
I really hope you've been able to find a listener from your country to share all this with. Just in case you haven't found out already, you can search by country on the Browse Listeners page. You might also like to check the box for verified listeners there, so that you only see listeners with some experience.
I'm in the UK, and you are welcome to message me any time, even if I'm offline.
@Kate30
@RarelyCharlie
I'm just tired charlie. I'm just so sick and tired of everything. Everytime when things seems to, when i get to get up again things just come crashing down again. I'm so sick of all the endless struggles, pain and sadness. It's just too overwhelming. I'm just sick of talking about my problems because it just seems like its forever .
Yes, when you have been miserable for so long and all the talking has not really changed anything permanently, it all overwhelms you and you just come to a stop. It is a sad, sad place to be in. If there comes a time when you would like to chat, I am still here.
@Kate30
@RarelyCharlie
Yes i would like to chat but i don't know how. Thanks a lot for understanding. All i want to talk for now is of my friend. I feel really pathetic about this situaiton actually. I hope you don't mind if i start the to share it here is that ok? I just need to get this off my chest.
The thing that makes me feel so pathetic is that in our friendship, i'm nobody special to her. I'm just a casual friend. She on the other hand is very close to her family. She is always in contact with her sister. They are very close. She is also close with her dad and her other siblings. Unlike me she has been in love and out of love. Also has no problems in her social life. She fits in, made friends even has a best friend. The only thing that she has a problem is that she is unemployed because she had a bad experience at her previous work place. And also is not married yet at the age that most people are/should be married.
As for me. I'm also currently not working because i have not been able to working for almost 10 years due to my serious illness. I am not close with my family because i have a disfunctional family. I don't even know what it feels like to be loved and cared for or to love or care for somebody else. I have always carried the pain of loneliness my whole life. I have never fit in any where since i was a kid till adult hood/now. I have never had any real friends before. I have always felt alone, empty and unwhorty and insecure.And i have always been bullied and push around at work or even by my own family.
So if you can do the obvious math here i feel pathetic because she is everything to me. But i am nothing much to her. So i'm the on suffering and crying when she ignores me and i'm feeling really depress and still crying after 2 weeks that is going to 3rd week soon. THAT IS WHY I FEEL SO PATHETIC, DEPRESS, HELPLESS and in SO MUCH PAIN.
Sorry i have to go now before my tears come back.
Yes, it is OK for you to share this here in the forum! I can understand now why your friend meant so much to you, and why it brings you to tears when you think about how much she means to you compared with how little it seems you mean to her.
@Kate30
@RarelyCharlie
I cried anyway. I thought the best thing to do was to reply you the next weekend.Because i'm too tired and have been obsessing about this. But i can't seem to brush away the pain and hurt, the frustration of not being able to do anything to help make things better between me and her. At least i would feel better if she read my watsapp messages. But she didn't even bother to read.
I hate having to even share about this. I have tried so much the past years. Imagine being ill and stuck in bed for the longest time of your life and not having anybody to talk to? Trying and trying to find some companionship online. Most of time feeling miserable. I'm so fed up of this. Struggling to find somebody to share about this kind of problem over and over again. It seems like that is what my life is. Just doing that over and over again. I can choose not to but i might end up going insane.
And having to talk about the same problem over and over again can also drive a sane person insane because of the pain of having to talk about what hurts you the most over and over again.
Having her as a friend felt so much better than opening a thread here venting, searching for a listener who might just disappear and having to go find another. Some might understand some might not. So FREAKING FRUSTRATING. And i'm wasting all this precious energy just for this!! AGAIN!! It felt comforting knowing that i can share my darkest disturbing secrets that i don't get to tell to another person before. She didn't leave me. She understood. But that is just her. She would just leave me if i said something wrong that might hurt her feelings. Because she has been patient with all of my nonsense. I wish that i at least had another friend so i didn't have to depend on her so much for attention.Like her she has her sister to chat with or her dad. I have nobody. It boreds me to death. But that is just my fate.
It is so hard when you have nobody. I'm not surprised you cried anyway. Yes, of course you can reply to me next weekend, or whenever it seems right to you.
@Kate30
@RarelyCharlie
How can i make her forgive me and be my friend again? I can't do this on my own. I can't face this on my own.I'm can't even think or function like normal the past few days.
She already gave me many chances before, but i blew it again. This time it was much better though. We kept in touch for 9 months. TNot once she was that annoyed at me to the point she would ignore me completely. Which was a good thing. A good progress.But not good enough to make her stay. I guess because i am feeling better, but i still get sick but not as bad as before. Even so this also still adds a lot of stress in my life because there are other problems that keeps happening that i am facing that i can't do much about which also adds more stress to me.
WTH! I still come here weekly even when she was still there for me. See how bad it is??
@Kate30
I HATE having to come here use up all my energy just on this. And i end up with nothing in the end. That is just how a person who has suffered with loneliness all their lives live. Like this. I'm a PERFECT freaking example of this. 
@Kate30
More SAD and PATHETIC memories to add to my personal HISTORY BOOK. That i have to LIVE WITH. I feel GREAT! 
@Kate30
This is just GREAT! FANTASTIC! I can't ask for more!!
@Kate30
Hi, I'm here for you too. I don't know how to use this for private messages, but if you do, let me know...If you'd like to chat, we can. Talk about what is bothering or tell me about a good book your reading, anything you like...I've been bed ridden off and on, so I have an idea of how isolating it can become. Definitely want to you to know that I am here for you too :)
@Toomuch2say2day
I envy you (in a good way) because you sound like you have a positive and uplifting personality even in your challenging circumstances.
Because i have quite the opposite personality type than yours ( guess).I always thought that having a positive kind of personality would give me the advantage in life especially when dealing with hard times. I am a melancholy and an introvert. I am also a phlegmatic personality. Kind of a combination of those two. Which are both negative thinkers. It's kind of weird but i sort of understand why i have to struggle with my negatives. And i am also always grumpy and moody. But i think that would not be much of a problem, because what really matters is how you feel inside. That's what's most important right?
@Kate30
Truth is, over the years I've become moody and negative, but it's not what I want to be, so I am fighting it. Much like it appears you combat things that you struggle with...I'm sharing this in hopes that it might help you. Recently, there has been this incredible insight to negative thinking. Basically when the brain chooses negative thoughts as a habit, the brain is trained to allow those those types of thoughts to travel faster through synapes and pathways than positive thoughts. Having this knowledge, you can actively change your brain. Keep fighting your negative thoughts and wait for the positive ones. You've got the power to literally "change your brain" and produce the qualities in yourself that you desire.
@Toomuch2say2day
Hello!. I'm glad to hear that you are doing a good job of fighting this unpleasent situation. I guess i can relate because i was also in bed most of the time when i was ill. Those were the most difficult years of my life. And i respect that you are also trying to help others who are in need along the way.
Talking about postive thinking etc. I'm also glad that you can understand my struggles. Yes i do understand how this way of thinking can make a positive change of myself and also others. I guess you can call a "fight". Even happy thoughts also can make a person happy. Sounds really simple but it took me a while to understand it.
I do have one short term goal but i guess it's a bit too late to achieve for now. There are always obstacles that keep coming my way each time i feel i can get up and go again.
But like you i guess all we can do is continue fighting. But i just want to rest for now. ( i keep saying i guess alot sorry about that lol)
@Kate30
Hi, would it help you to discuss obstacles?
@Toomuch2say2day
Hey there...Yes, sure..i can make a short list. This list only consist of obstacles or my weakness/personal thing that comes from me. I guess this is perhaps the Biggest obstacle right? Do you know about the A,B,C and D personality types? I just recently found out about C and D type, i had no idea existed before. If you are interested you can google. But i would like to opened a thread about that. You see i'm already in my 30s. I really didn't know about the D personality because i was just aware about how different (in a bad way kind of different) my way of thinking has effected me as a person. It made me feel really sad to find out that D personality is a negative thinker that makes her/his life really "dark & depressing". This was the answer that i was searching for because i just don't understand WHY i think the way i do all these years ( since i was a kid ).
@Kate30
With every thought and choice you make, you decide who you are and how you want to live. You're more complex than a checklist and more unique than a "personality type." It's merely a guide and a way for humans to simplify life by catagorizing what shouldn't necessarily be catagorized...You are you and if there is anything you want to change to be happier, you can, it's your life.
@Toomuch2say2day
Hey there. Thanks for coming by my thread again. . How are you?
Yeah, i know what you mean. But for me it's good to know what personality type i am and such because i get to understand myself better and why i behave the way that i do.And i also get to see others who are struggling like me just because we are we, for example being an introvert. I hardly ever bump into extroverts complaining about how hard it is for them to be extroverts LOL. Its mostly introverts who have bigger obstacles when it comes to socializing etc.
Although i do work on myself, take small steps. Listen to motivational talks (i don't know why i'm sharing this i feel like i should say something positive) It's too lonely and painful of a journey for me. I'll always be the odd one out, the one left behind by my peers and never be able to catch up with them. That still should be ok, but it's not because i have never found anybody at the same level or similar like me who struggle and is as alone as i am. Sometimes i wonder why is it so?
Anyway, i have decided to see a therapist. I just need to for my mental and emotional health. I don't deserve to be carrying all this weight and continue like i'm "fine". I derserve so much better.
More tears please. That will surely help me feel better. I'm sorry guys i'm being such a baby.
@Kate30
This is what happens when you are lonely and stupid at the same time. You will just attract more loneliness and stupidity. That is how Law of Attraction works. It works wonders.
@Kate30
After reading your posts, there is no way you are stupid. If anyone has made you feel that way, they have failed to see how you are smart...
@Toomuch2say2day
The thruth is i do have a lot of weakness and so few strengths that it hardly does anything good for me.. And one that i feel has made my life a very unhappy one is because of my own ignorance in everything. That to me is the worst kind of handicap a person could have.
One of my other weakness is being very slow. I have read others who are having difficult time and can't get a good job because they are so very slow at everything. And at work that "quality" is not appreciated at all. I am also like that. That is why i hardly have any happy memories at work.
@Kate30
I'm sorry i'm talking too much about myself. Kind of like my mom.
@Kate30
There is a lot of pressure in the workplace to be quick, accurate, and productive. But not all of us achieve productivity in the same ways and it can be a real struggle to achieve the employer's expectations...Wondering if you might still be on a quest to find the profession that suites you best. Maybe even start your own business maybe?
@Toomuch2say2day
Honestly i'm one of those "helpless" kind of people at the work place. I'm not saying this because i feel bad about myself. Because that is the truth. I'm just so bad at work. I'm just like those other people i have read about their experiences on the internet. It's not the usual kind of problems people deal at work. But it's bad as in "you are fired" kind of bad because you just can't do work as well as you should to NOT get fired. LOL. I hope you can get a rough idea of what i'm trying to explain.
I feel kind of bad having to share all this to you.
It's ok kate. This is the place where you can let all the bad feelings out. All the hurt and pain, all the awful stuff. So you don't get to carry all that heavy weight on your chest on your own.
You can always try to send her a gift since she lives faraway from you and do write a letter to her to ask for forgiveness. That might also make you feel better and can make you feel calm.
All this is not your fault. Please don't ever blame it on yourself even if you are the one who is feeling all the pain and hurt.
(See this is how i use to comfort myself by telling me comforting words before i came to 7 cups, i hope i don't sound like a complete weirdo who has lost her mind.I just lost my soul, a wreck inside. I know there are others who have even bigger problems than me. But hey, this is me, i'm the one responsible for me or else who will? nobody. if not me?)
It's true, this is a place where you can let all the bad feelings out. You don't sound like a weirdo to me. You sound like someone who has a great ability to find comfort for yourself in the midst of pain and loss—a rare strength.
@Kate30
@RarelyCharlie
You guys are always kind and nice to me. I wish that the people who are close to me are like that to. I know that would have made me a better person than i am now.
But since i'm an adult, parents ( no matter how bad they are) will grow old and die. So i will be left completely alone. Who else can i depend on but me? Even so, the pain that was left by them stays inside of me still probably forever.
Thanks Charlie for your kind words.
Hi, Kate, I really wish I could check this more often. I'm wondering how you are doing today?
@Toomuch2say2day
Hey TM (can i call you that?). That's ok. I'll sure becoming here often. What about you? Today was ok. I spend my time doing the usual tasks at home and watch some youtube videos of other people carving pumpkins for halloween.
@Kate30
Hey guys. I'm sorry about this thread. I really wanted to talk about my painful experience of losing my only friend here. But i guess my head was in a mess so i made a silly title for the topic. I wish i could change it but i can't.
I try not to come here too often. But i guess i can't help it that i miss her a lot. It's been 1 month and a week now. I tried contacting her. But still no reply. I just knew she wasn't going to reply but i couldn't help. I guess other people who STRUGGLE with LONELINESS also go through what i'm going through.
So desperately LONELY even with 1 friend on your side. You can't get enough of her attention because you never got much attention anyway. So it builds, the clinginess the neededness. Then BOOM! She disappears from your life completely. I guess Loneliness and Torment go together.
Being in my 30s i never had this kind of friend before. She is my 1st. I know it's very risky to spill the beans especially when you just got to know somebody online.
But i was at a very desperate place. I have never been so desperate to the point where i just spilled my beans. It didn't even matter to me anymore if i was talking about my dysfunctional family or my illness or that i'm a lesbian. It just didn't matter. It was either sharing all that nonsense or loose my sanity.
At one point i thought she was gonna leave me because of all the nonsense that i shared with her from my freaking life just keeps coming 1 after the other. And i wasn't even able to resolve my present problems. Like my illness. It was crazy and it still is.
Honestly, she was the friend that i have always wanted since i was a kid. Who excepts me as i am. Even after sharing with her my most indignified self and other nonsense.Damn! Perhaps i would need to wait for another 30 years for get a friend like her. You know how history repeats it self.
@Kate30
Hey Kate!
I read some of your posts in this thread and I am extremely similar to you! I am a college student now and I've always been slow at understanding things and getting simple everyday tasks done. Throughout my life, a certain homework assignment would always take me much longer than it would take the average person in my class. This was most likely due to my OCD since I would repetitively erase and rewrite things or quadruple check my work. I'm not saying that you have OCD... This is just what has been affecting me. Everyone is different!
I also get confused very easily and am kind of known as the confused one who has a lot of questions. I just don't understand things as easily as others do and I need to receive instructions very clearly.
I also feel lonely very often because I don't have any friendships that are as strong as I would like them to be. I am close to a few people but I have drifted apart from all my other friends. It's also tough for me to get close to people because I was bullied in junior high and have been left out multiple times by friends. So I think I maybe subconsciously don't get close to people anymore. I'm not sure...
@guacamole123
Hey there . Thanks for stopping by and sharing your story. Yeah, i understand it's hard being "different" and not fitting in. And it just sucks when you experienced bullying as well. I don't know much about OCD, but is there a mental health board somewhere here? I hope you could share a link if you found it.
It's also tough for me to get close to people because I was bullied in junior high and have been left out multiple times by friends. So I think I maybe subconsciously don't get close to people anymore. I'm not sure...
Yeah, i'm going through a difficult time myself. It's a very long story, if you noticed my other threads here LOL. But talking about bullying i also have had a lot of bad and bullying experience at work for years. I really don't know how to defend myself or handle the situation because i'm so slow at everything and takes a long time for me to realize that i'm being bullied. Out of a scale of 10 i guess i succeed in defending myself 3/10 times.
It's so frustrating. I don't hate myself for this but it just makes me feel frustrated and helpless that i can't seem to change myself or my life for the better. And that makes me feel really miserable cause all i'm able to do is just let it be eventhough it hurts too much.Sorry i'm being emotional again! LOL. I'm actually looking for a "Bullying Board". Do you know where it is? Maybe we can learn something from there.