Depression/Dysthymia: Will it ever vanish?
Hi,
I've been feeling depressed for many years (recently diagnosed with dysthymia). Although I'm in my 20s, I feel as if I were a 70-something and had nothing to look forward to in life. Everything gets me down, makes me furious or puts me off. As some people in here have said to be able to do their work, chores and remain active despite their depression (I look up to them very much), I simply can't. I can't make myself work, read, or even get out of bed. Days go by as I do nothing. (And the more I realise how much unfinished work I have, the more frustrated and anxious I get.)
Many people claim it's so irrational to think and feel this way and use up food, air and space, and I've become to think it might be true... I feel trapped, overwhelmed, omitted and helpless. I feel as if something were hanging above my head and preventing me from thinking clearly.
I have no support system whatsoever. I can't rely on family (I'm now confident to admit they're the root of my state), I've lost my friends (depression and anxiety has made me behave oddly many times, so it put people off), and I'm too broke to afford therapy but too trashed to find a job. Seeing a psychologist that is available free of charge once every few weeks hasn't helped much (and public health service here does everything to ensure that one doesn't see a specialist "too often"). And, sorry to say this, but I feel as if 7cups has stopped working for me, either (but I can see why - people are tired of depressed people, even wonderful and kindest listeners on this site, and I'm tired of hearing "be strong, meditate and breathe", it's far too useless for me at this point).
I try not to have any expectations, I'm a decent human and not cruel to anyone, yet I feel this is some kind of punishment for nothing. I'm aware of the fact that I'm not the only person in the world struggling with such problems. I'm nothing special. But I've become so powerless and tired of the weight of all the problems that is unbearable.
I'm wondering if anyone responds. Maybe someone has had similar experiences or has experienced some magical change. Some people have told me that depression vanishes entirely, some have said that depression stays with you for life and sometimes returns (and that you need to learn to bounce back). I don't know anymore.
For anyone reading this, thank you.
@greenEyes2019 I know this feeling so well. I am able to somewhat function (I've made it to graduate school for studying inorganic chemistry), but currently I am crashing and burning. I want to give up on the program so badly. Many graduate students that have made it through their first year tell me they also felt this way when they were going through their first year. It is frustrating to hear that, because I am pretty sure they weren't struggling every day to simply get out of bed and nearly everyday having to fight against the urge to just kill themselves. I know something needs to change, but I'm currently feeling trapped. My parents have the expectation that I will pull through this "rough patch." They are unaware of how much I have struggled with depression. Before now, I was very good at hiding it with my academic studies, but now I can't be bothered.
Anyways, this isn't about me, it is about you. I just wanted to share a little that I understand your frustration. I am so tired of hearing "try this" "try that." It is why I have clung to someone that I know understands because they also experienced severe depression their first year of graduate school. It's so nice to hear from them, "It's okay." They're not judgemental because even if our circumstances are a little different, they truly understand the feeling of "I cannot do this anymore" and yet still making it to tomorrow somehow. I might have ended up being really lucky finding this person, but maybe you can find someone that is like this. A person that doesn't tell you, "stay strong" but rather "it is okay." It is not a "it is going to be okay" as I know I roll my eyes at that one. When you have not done any work and your anxiety is crippling you, it is okay. It is something that is happening and happened. I have decided to just try to focus on the present and what I need to do to get me through the moment. I do not know if this will help you at all.
Hi @irime, thank you for popping in.
First of all, congratulations on graduating, it sounds super motivating! 
I feel your situation. Many of my fellow students say in general that they know what I'm going through, as well as many tend to "joke" by telling everyone: "This class is stupid, I can't even. I'm so depressed I'm going to die now " in a way that often appeals to a depressed person (me) as offensive or saddening. (I'm not trying to be ignorant and I don't diminish one's feelings, but when someone who has time to do the homework and study for an A+, party a lot, exercise & look good and work part- or full-time and is always energetic, is quite unlikely to be depressed just because they find one class boring. You probably know what I mean.) I try to not to take such things too seriously, but this is somewhat triggering.
I'm sorry you're feeling trapped. Every parent has some expectations. Most people do, in fact. But I think for the sake of your own safety and well-being you might want to think that you're responsible for your own emotions, not other people's. I hope you'll expand your support system and that everything goes well for you.
You've used a good word, frustration. It is hard, especially when depression advances, or when people give you advice when nobody asks them to. Oftentimes they say ridiculosities like, "smile", "why don't you go outside" or "stay strong", like you've mentioned. Maybe people don't know that depression is a far more serious issue that may rip you apart and it can't be fixed with taking a walk or smiling. Also, perhaps society doesn't really recognise it or doesn't find it "serious" enough (because it's not quite 'visible' on the outside?).
I'm very happy to hear you have an understanding friend. I also have someone like this, or maybe I used to have...? That is the problem in my case. The only person who understands me doesn't have time for me at all. So I try not to message them anymore. It makes me break in two, because I need their company very, very much. So I'm trying to cope without any friends, because I wouldn't like to bother my friend. It's super tough though.
Your post has made me feel a bit better, thank you. It's nice to learn that sometimes "it's okay".
: )
@irime Your post really makes me feel better. I can totally understand you, I have managed to hide my depression from my parents by maintaining my academics as well. Being an undergraduate, to know you did it and pulled through gives me hope that I can too.
GreenEyes - Sorry to hear you are struggling. I have info below for you to consider, but my intent is not to minimize your symptoms or suffering. If you are struggling with bct pneumonia science says to recommend lifesaving antibiotics. If you are struggling with any form of depression science indicates lifechanging and life-saving CBT and many can do it without a paid provider.
EMPIRICALLY PROVEN BOOK
70% of those in group assigned to work through CBT book as theri only intervention no longer qualified to be diagnosed with Depression after only 4 weeks and maintained remission when studied three yrs. later. Non-readers stayed depressed until they too were asked to study book with like responses.
Consider CBT Evidenced Based Book empirically tested in clinical studies = Feeling Good by David D. Burns, M.D.,
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy techniques to help you emerge from depression and develop a more positive outlook on life. Feeling Good, is the book most frequently "prescribed" by psychologists for patients undergoing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). Clinical studies have shown patient improvement by just reading the book - a treatment known as bibliotherapy. Four (4) million copies have been sold in the United States.
Surveys indicate that American mental health professionals rate Feeling Good as the #1 book on depression, out of a list of 1,000 self-help books
@WGlasser
That all sounds a bit crazy to me, but perhaps I'll give it a go.
Thank you!
@greenEyes2019 Thanks for your post. I don't feel as alone. I have struggled with depression for what seems a lifetime. I am young but I feel so old. I haven't been on 7cups for long, so I don't know how well it will work for me yet. But it's kind of a last resort. I've already been hospitalized. I know what it's like to go down that path and I want no part in it. I need to get better, or at least have life be more manageable. I got a massage yesterday for the first time. It didn't fix everything but I felt good in my body and was a good start to the rest of my day. Maybe if you looked for some online resources and found a good massage therapist that is affordable for you it might help just a little.
It sounds like you are very, very isolated. One thing about this awful illness is that after a certain point (and I think you may already be there) you can't just pull yourself up by your bootstraps. You cannot do this alone. I know it seems like the last thing you want to do, but building connections with others, even if it is a total pain, does really help. Maybe there are some free support groups in your area that may help you? Just because things aren't as rewarding as you want, or if they don't make your depression go away immediately doesn't mean they don't help.
I noticed you are an excellent writer just from your post. Maybe you could starting writing a blog? It can be about your journey or whatever you want. There are some sites that pay freelance writers to write blogs for them too if you're interested.
Hope you find the help and healing that you need.
@Tony1000 Also It might help to get your blood checked for thyroid problems (NOT just the TSH test, you can still have thyroid problems and test fine for TSH), vitamin deficiencies, sodium and liver problems. Those will defintely keep you feeling down if they are not addressed!
Hi @Tony1000, thank you for sharing. It's so nice you don't feel as alone <3
I'm so glad you've felt better! That is good to hear. I hope your experiences here will only be better from now on.
Well, I am isolated. I have been isolated, I will admit this. I've been isolated because that is what depression started to "tell" me some time ago. That I'm depressed and depressive to others. That I should cut my friends off because I have to suffer alone and not drag them into this hole. That I don't deserve any contact with a human being. That I deserve do be beaten up.
But luckily(?), I've realised my suffering and I decided to speak about my issues with some of my friends. (And yes, you're right. Often, you are unable to rise on your own. And don't feel like it.) A problem halved is a problem solved. It's not perfect, I mean, at the moment I'm on the verge of something very bad again. But I can see some overall improvements after all.
So yes, I am isolated. That has been a choice. (Maybe partially my choice, because depression really blurs one's thoughts and perception of everything...) But I am also lonely. Sometimes, despite some attention from my close ones, I don't always feel their support, presence, I don't feel worthy of attention. I know at one point I made a choice to be isolated, but when I had enough courage to fix it and give myself a chance, I have also been lonely, despite all my attempts. So it's a high-low situation.
Thank you! I wouldn't call myself and excellent writer, but your words are so nice to read. I'm not Joyce or Dostoyevsky, I'm far from being very good, but I was thinking of writing something again. However, it's one of those hobbies that depression has taken away from me.
I wish you all the best, I hope you'll find your peace and way out of this depression hell. <3
@greenEyes2019 I'm not familiar with Joyce but if you can read Dostoyevsky you can probably be a witer! Actually I have The Brothers Karamazov sitting next to me on my desk but I haven't finished it because sitting and reading books makes me feel way worse, but from what I have read it's fantastic. NOBODY is Dostoyevsky, you've got me there, but you seem very articulate and express yourself very well in your writing. I write music, but depression takes that away from me sometimes too. The great thing about it is that when I feel up to it, even for just a few minutes at a time, it's really gets my mind of everything and takes all my focus. I don't feel like writing music all the time, but when I'm done with a piece I'm glad I chipped in the extra time here and there. I'm not good at forcing myself to do things I don't want to do, but when I do finally want to do something I take advantage of it and go all in--the feeling won't last! I hope you will really consider doing some more writing. Not every piece has to be a success, sometimes the process itself is the best part even when you don't necessarily want to publish it. I have tens of songs I'm working on all the time and maybe 10% of them I actually put out on my website. All I'm saying is, write if you can.
@greenEyes2019 Every word you said. I wanted to share this post with the few friends I have left, or anybody, really, so that maybe they would not just see me as lazy and self-destructive, and maybe stop judging me a little bit? When over ten or fifteen years, you become progressively less and less functional, you let go of interests, ambitions, ideas, of a general idea of yourself, and wither away to almost nothing, it never seems as drastic as if it happened at once. You are likely to ignore it for a while, and just feel guilty and worthless, I guess, but so are the people around you. So reading you, feeling understood without saying a word, felt good.
Another poster said you should write, and I would definitely like to read more. If you want to talk on here, too... I'm new, and maybe sharing tales of woe isn't the most constructive, but I'm really really tired of all the "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" bullshit, and other "but why don't you just DO the work if you have to, why do you let yourself fail?" judgements, so maybe we could at least vent.
Hi @billiedove,
It's some kind of a relief to read this. I'm sorry you also have to go through such hell. But I guess the good thing is you've had the willingness to share and change something about your life, communicate, indicate something.
Feel free to share my post with whomever you like, please. I created this thread not only to get responses, but also to help others, in a way. I'm so thrilled my few lines could bring some help to other human being. It's still nice to hear that someone can make use of my words, even though I constantly feel my thinking and writing abilities have vanished.
It seems despite being in this misery for many years, you can still observe all the changes in you. That is some kind of step foward. And depression does take away all the things in life, be it hobbies, simple joy or relationships... I understand you, too.
As for youf friends, I can relate. But also, depression/mood issues blur your self-image and, more importantly, it often makes you worry and overthink. So I reckon it's always worth talking to your friends about your issues and trying to explain what your perspective looks like.
It's okay to vent when life is not okay. This is a suitable space, don't be discouraged by anything. I hope you will be able to find more relatable posts on the forum. I will write if I have something worthy of sharing in mind.
Thank you very much for responding. Feel free to make the best use of 7cups to seek answers.
All the best <3
I'm thirty and I was diagnosed with dysthymia as well in my mid twenties. Also like you my family has a hand in my situation. I still struggle alot, most days. I still have very good days. Im pretty lucky. I found a small group of friends and coworkers who care enough to check on me and to push me into talking when I'm clearly not all right. Coming on here helps. Talking to people with similar problems maybe saying something that helps can make me feel of some use. I mostly struggle with romantic loneliness and just my own self confidence or self worth. It gets better but I don't think it can just go away. Just keep trying. Find a hobby and some friends. I play dungeons and dragons every other weekend with my friends and coworkers and it's something I look forward to every week now. I hope something I said was helpful.
Hi @selfconfidentSky2527,
Thank you for popping in, your post has been helpful! It's vital to see similar problems from a different perspective.
I'm sorry you got to know what it's like to struggle. But I'm glad to hear you have got your group of friends and coworkers who do care! It's lovely. I agree that talking helps, I learnt that just some time ago when I started my 7cups journey and decided to open up more.
I hope everything will turn out well for you, self-esteem-, health-wise, and romantically. You sound like an honest and caring person, and those are true virtues!
I wish you all the best <3
