Greetings from a broken man
Hi everyone, I'm posting this because for the first time in a really long stretch of months depression showed its ugly face again.
Lately I've been feeling a little down and sad. Constantly comparing myself to others, specially my little sister who in less than 2 months will leave the house to live with her boyfriend with a promising career and everything going smoothly for her. Parents always gave her everything she demanded in life growing up, in turn she became pretty good at setting goals and accomplishing them. Not me though, I'm the eldest, love and support are literally alien concepts for me I cannot process properly when people compliment me or show affection.
I'm a 29 loser who still does not have his own home, or family or a girlfriend (last relationship I had ended 5 years ago) I do have tools and a sense of purpose in life (arts, tarot and runes, and a gift for dealing with knowledge a.k.a. teaching or guiding) but I lack not only determination, drive or the want to do anything at all lately but now I'm feeling really bad because I don't see a point in anything. I have projects just laying down because I'm not in the mood to work on them. Getting out of bed is hard. Not getting results from my art or tarot careers weighs me down big time. Screw the long game, how am I supposed to keep going if my efforts does not translate into results? results are the only good motivation, big or small...I feel stuck. I do offer readings for a free at a local center for free alternative therapies and that feels nice I guess because I help people.
Every day is a routine where I try to get attention to my career and failing at it and mostly get paralyzed doing nothing because I lost any kind of drive. I do see a therapist but the effect of therapy it starting to be useless. Briefs moments of clarity that wears off in 24 hrs.
Sorry for the long text.
@pesimisticOwl007 I'm sorry you are struggling. I understand not wanting to get out of bed and losing motivation and interest in doing things. You are definitely not alone. And you aren't a loser, though I understand you feel that way. You are still very young and have time to reach your goals. It is great that you are going to therapy. And you are here. That shows you are trying đź’™
@pesimisticOwl007
I love that you're finding community through free readings! Even though you're struggling it sounds like you're finding some sense of purpose.
I'm going through a similar thing. 28, last relationship ended just shy of 3 years ago. Nothing seems to be happening, and I've lost so much motivation to keep going. But I keep putting one foot in front of the other.
And I keep reminding myself the last years haven't been normal. It's not the end of the world that things stagnated a bit. The fact you've got this purpose or drive with your tarot sounds like a step in the right direction.
A few years ago when I was really down my therapist asked me to keep an activity journal tracking how I felt before, how I thought I'd feel and how I felt after. It was small but it counteracted those negative voices and gave me a sense of achievement and progress even for something as small as going for a walk.
But I know how hard fighting out of depression can be. So hang in there. Because this too shall pass.
@bubblePomegranate515 How do you keep moving when nothing happens? Why even bother when the only constant is suffering?
The “why bother” voice is one of my old foes. Honestly I’m not even sure. You just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Hoping, knowing you won’t feel like this forever.
Fighting past a lack of motivation felt impossible for me. But the fact you’re reaching out shows you want to.
Some tools I’ve used, mindfulness, grounding, exercise etc.
One that took forever to take hold but which I still use today was, I think it’s called active gratitude. Basically every time I found myself hearing the “why bother” voice I repeated something positive to myself. “You’ve done x and y” “you’re good at this” “you’re a good person” etc. it felt hollow for a long time. Now it sort of pops into my head automatically. The negative voices became less overwhelming and it makes dealing with the lows a lot easier.
Unfortunatley there are no easy fixes. And it takes time, patience, and self gratitude to make it past depression. It’s a long road and the first step is just wanting to get to the other side.
As small as it may seem you’ve taken that first step. That’s not nothing. It might take a while. It might be hard. But you’ll get through this.
@bubblePomegranate515 What other side? Is there an other side? This week I've felt GOOD about myself for about day and a half and even though today I did an OUTSTANDING job helping another person in grief through tarot readings and networking her to other professionals to better help her... The void came back out of nowhere, even whem I'm doing good I do not enjoy anything.
I feel the same, that life is a pointless exercise. There is a but, coming.......it will not always feel this way or be this way. You are courageous enough to keep trying and that is immense. That is what gets us there , eventually. Small steps and putting one foot infront of the other on a daily basis is a brave thing. So, give yourself credit for what you are doing. May i suggest, as a spiritual person, to ask the Archangel Raphael for healing. Keep going, keep trying and ultimately you will succeed.
i think you are right you do need some feeling of improvement to even want to continue and when things seem stagnant and unable to break through I change focus for just a bit .... example: I took jobs i did not want only to find I met someone who networked me to a place I wanted to be but could not find a way in.
have you reached out to what ever you believe and ask for guidance or clarity........ I did that once and had a new opportunity come out of the blue.
@toughTiger6481
Thanks for your answer. That's the most sadist part of it all. I do have guidance and a clear purpose but not the HOW to carry it out. I'm supposed to be some kind of guide or teacher to others but my only tools are my knowledge and studies of spiritual aspects, martial wisdom and dope art skills. One would assume that this combination builds itself up but lack of results on these areas and previous failures prevent me from setting a proper goal. I'm not even in the mood to play videogames, it's that bad.
@pesimisticOwl007
that is where you ask for a guide..... i can not tell you how many time when feeling stuck and unable to see the next move a clue might be there but so many often overlook what is meant as a helping hand.