I am not my illnesses but ...
I can't totally separate 'me' from them. That's not bad.
We hear all the time our illnesses don't define who we are, and that's true. I know for me and for many others they are one factor involved in forming who we are though.
The job I have is in part because it works well with my situation and the flexibility I need because of the limitations I have. The activities I don't do are often because they aren't suitable for me. The number of hours I do spend on particular activities are what they are because I can't easily spend more doing them.
Even if I was cured tomorrow, some things would change but my illnesses would still be a factor in who I am. I can't change the past of the time I spent at appointments, resting and needing to be indoors. Avoiding certain activities (and choosing others instead) because some things would make me too sick. The friends I had from the activities and places where I was present vs. those I didn't because I wasn't there.
I cana't even say with certainty how particular things would be different if I never had any chronic illnesses. I've long been interested in medical topics - would I still have that interest without some of the early experiences I had? I have no idea, as there isn't a particular time where it just lead to that interest.
There are some paths not choosen, and had I done differently I would be a bit different - I can't identify all the ways. The same goes for the paths where I didn't have the choice to even take them in the first place.
@AffyAvo
Wow, this is exactly how i feel about my illness. Yes i am not my illness but i can't stop thinking about how my life would be completly different without it.
@No715 Yes, illnesses can really affect so much, both directly and indirectly. It's hard not to think about it at times.
@AffyAvo this is very well written. thank you for sharing <3
@caringShoulder14 Thank you!
*Possible offensive Language used – used once and is relevant*
In all honesty, I feel like I am my condition/illness, or at least who I am because of it; and isnt that the same thing. I am so different from my others in my family and they are as close to a point of reference as I have, for what I would be if I was 'normal'.
The way I see the world, the care I take, the reason I think a lot about the impact I have on others. Those and so many more things in my life, are the way they are because of my condition. I am certain of it. It must affect me, make me who I am, surely it must. Brain damage does that, right? But how am I to know the answer to this for certain, the truth is I can't.
Theres no way to know who Id be without my condition, and so there is no way to know its exact effect on me. For that reason, and because I suppose it doesnt really matter to anyone else but me does it. How much I define myself by my condition is up to me.
Personally, most of the time, I choose to take a small amount of comfort in defining myself by my condition. I know this isnt the norm, and maybe thats part of why I find comfort in it. Its my condition after all, why shouldnt I do with it as I please?
Most people, the ‘normals out there, if they even exist. Define themselves by elements of their lives, by their own choosing, am I not simply doing the same? Instead of defining myself as ‘the party goer or ‘the nerd, Im ‘the spastic. Much as I did not pick my own label, my own situation, neither did the girl who is good at maths, or the one who finds her only sense of popularity at a party.
We all are forced into the lives we lead. Living beyond what has been forced in our path, facing obstacles that no one else out there can truly comprehend the magnitude of. So why can I not own my greatest battle. Why can I not take pride in my condition? Like the comfort of the friend thats always been by my side. The only constant. If it helps me through, why not?
I am careful to say, ‘most of the time, because I recognise the moments when Id give anything for the world to change. When I meet the perfect guy, and I know that IT is the only thing thats stopping me. When I look to the future and I wonder if I can really survive all this alone, or perhaps more terrifying, if I can ever let anyone in.
But still I return to the safety blanket I have created in my condition. The excuses for the situations I cannot bring myself to face. And the answers to both what is right and what is wrong with the world, simultaneously.
The line of definition given to me by my condition changes daily, sometimes hourly. But one thing I am certain of, is that I cannot say it doesnt define me. That is a disservice to my condition, and most importantly myself.
The way the world exists, and the way we exist within. has lead to our belief that in defining ourselves by something out of our control, by something that is wrong with us, we are losing out. But let me ask you this……. What if we are actually winning?
We arent running from situations, we are controlling what we can, excepting what we cannot; and bringing ourselves out somewhere in the middle. How can that be bad?
I look at the friends I have, the instant connections we make over that one carer that never listens, or the amount of time it takes to convince your parents youll be ok, (as ok as anyone is anyway), in the real world. The amazing people I would never have met, if it werent for my condition.
There is no choice in our conditions, I wouldnt wish any of them on anyone. But there is a choice in who we choose to be. Control in that, and in the values and morals we have due to that choice.
So I for one, am proud to say, that as much as we are the teachings of the world, I am my illness, and right in this moment, thats more than ok.
@convivialPlum6966 It sounds like you're pretty aware of how you identify yourself!
