Conversations with Healthy People
How do you handle questions such as:
How are you?
What do you do?
What don't you work?
So what do you do all day?
Especially when they come from people who don't have experience of what it's like to have a chronic illness.
@krispykitty12 @CaringBrit @amarifey @NoraMeow @aluminum1azalea @VinylFly @AffyAvo @kindSoul10 @CaringBrit @Jarysa @KittyCat15 @1Marg1 @JoyIntoDarkness @Tyedyedbutterfly65 @LittleAardwolf @delightfulDragon87
@AffyAvo depends on the person , the way I am feeling also if in a crowd ,etc... I usually am honest and say how I feel ,sometimes I will say Okay because I do get tired of explaining ..most really are not interested anyway . I don't really care who knows what about me I am very open about mental health and physical health .
@AffyAvo i find them intrusive the hoqw are you is ok but when im asked the what dont you work or what do i do all day its like stop being nosey you dont understand what i go through each day
its why im greatful theirs voluntary online im doing something worth my time despite being unwell physically
@AffyAvo Thank you for this thoughtful thread. This is still something I'm personally working on so I'm looking forward to hearing how others answer these types of questions.
Usually, when asked how I'm doing, I say that I'm doing okay even if I'm not unless I'm feeling so bad that it's time to go home and get some rest.
When asked what I do all day, I'll often start talking about studying online and the degree I'm working towards along with the time I spend volunteering as a listener and group leader on here. I'm rarely ever honest about how much time I need to spend resting and going to appointments. I don't think being chronically ill is something I'm ready to be open about yet. Maybe someday though.
@VinylFly,
What kind of question or statement could someone make that would help you believe that they really want to listen? What would help you open up?
@Affyavo
I found that something that helped me was preparing answers before going to an event where I would be meeting new people or seeing people from school who knew me when I was way more active. These were the situations I found to be the most awkward responding to questions.
With the "What do I do" with meeting new people I did find it helpful to state that I wasn't working, instead I was taking the time to deal with illnesses. Sometimes this would lead to finding others who have times where they are free during the day.
With people I haven't seen for a while I do find they want to know a bit more. I usually open up a bit stating that I'm doing so much better now that I'm on treatment but I still need lots of sleep and need to rest before doing things that seem fairly minor.
With questions about what I do all day - I feel like these get a bit nosey, but sometimes they do have good intentions - someone wondering if they should invite me out to stuff but are worried that I might push myself too much. So depending on my relationship I might go into some detail, but I usually leave a bit of vagueness unless it's someone I'm am/was close to. I usually do include that things really vary by the day too, that sometimes I can do much more than other days. If I haven't mentioned how much I need to sleep already I will often bring it up with this question, plus bring in the resting between tasks, as that really does quickly fill up a fair bit of time.
My tips to others
For social niceties, keep it simple and light. You don't have to lie, but no need for details. Some examples for How are you? that are honest
- I've been better
- I'm managing
- Hanging in there
-It's not my best day
For What do you do? Think about how you want to respond to various groups of people ie. first time meeting someone vs. people from your past. Some options
- I'm taking some time off to manage an illness/to improve my health
- I'm currently on sick leave
- I've been sick and am working on getting better
- I've had to take some time off
- I'm a professional patient (wish I had known this one when I first took a leave of absence!)
If you don't wish to go into more detail, don't. When we feel uncomfortable sometiems we get focused on trying to give an explanation beyond what we want to go into. Instead, after giving a quick answer, redirect back to the person. Ask them questions. If they do push for more just say something like you don't feel like discussing it at the moment. End such a statement with a smile. Again redirect back to them. If they keep on pushing, that's just being flat our rude (and rarely happens). If in a group, just switch to talking to someone else. Ignore the rude person. If in a situation where it's just you and them, leave or continue on with your purpose to being where you are.
