Does this count as 'disordered eating'?
I have a big problem where I can't seem to control my eating, I tend to binge a lot on foods I shouldn't be eating.
When I say 'I shouldn't be eating' I mean foods like sweets, cake, cookies, etc. but also pasta, bread, pizza, etc. - it's not just because they are generally unhealthy and I'm gaining weight, but also they seem to cause additional problems for me like bloating and diarrhea (my doctor has ruled out gluten intolerance, it just seems my body has a big problem digesting high-carb/sugar foods), I'm also fairly certain it's adding to my depression, causing brain fog, and contributing to neurological issues (autism and adhd).
I'll decide to 'treat' myself but I'm doing this more and more often, days and days on end, and when depressed I feel like my depression takes over or I try to justify it by saying to myself that it'll help me feel better. When I 'treat' myself I go on impulse so it's not just one bar of chocolate but I might buy a bag of cookies and a cake (if it's cheap, such as from a cheap food store or is on sale, I'll buy even more): you know so I may decide I want chocolate but then see a bag of fruity sweets so grab those, then think that I'd need something savory to balance it so get a bag of chips, then think I fancy some chocolate milk so get that too, etc. etc.
I think OCD plays a small role too: I'm used to eating sweets after savory, I'm used to eating a Mars bar after a certain savory breakfast food in my routine, I'm used to eating something before bed...only now it's not just one little thing like a slice of toast, after eating something small I feel I have to eat something else (like sweet after savory), there is a sense of compulsion involved in this sometimes.
I can't save or ration out food, that one bag of cookies will only last me one day and so the next day if I want something sweet I'll buy more - I think this is to do with poverty: when you grow-up poor you don't know where your next meal is coming from so you get anxious and that drives you to eat everything in one go. It's not just sweet food either, even if it's healthy food like vegetables...if I have food I inhale it, which traps me in a viscious cycle of binge eating due to anxiety caused by poverty, but when I can't ration my food that causs anxity too! When I'm eating I could eat something but then think 'I enjoyed that' so eat another straight afterwards, before I know it I've eating so much I feel sick, there's just nothing there to stop me from continuing to eat and various compulsion (anxiety, OCD, depression) push it too.
As money is so tight I can't afford to stock-up on healthy foods - if I had a nutrient dense filling healthy meal I'd be less likely to binge, if I had healthy snacks I could binge on those rather than unhealthy foods, if I could fill my refridgerator withlean meats and vegetables I could get myself in the mind-set of healthy eating to cut out carbs long enough to break the carb-binging cycle a little bit...as carbs cause carb craving. But the fact is it's cheaper to buy unhealthy food (this isn't open for discussion, this is a fact), when I only have a small amount of money I can't afford healthy and have to go for cheap junk. I also find although things like meal planning can help me afford healthier food...I don't feel like eating it when it comes to it, by the tie it comes to eat a meal I don't want the meal sitting for me in the fridge but I want to go out and buy something new...queue making it easier for me to grab unhealthy foods.
I end-up trapped in cycles:
- Eat unhealthy food because I'm depressed: unhealthy food makes me more depressed.
- Eat unhealthy food, increase cravings for unhealthy food...thus eat more unhealthy food!
This cannot be normal.
But I don't really want to go to a therapist about this, not to mention my doctor likely wouldn't take me seriously anyway (because from their perspective I'm a healthy weight/size and have no problems in terms of nutrient deficiency) so wouldn't be willing to refer me anyway.
I feel I have a bit of an idea what causes this, just not how to stop myself - so what do I do?
I am no therapist, but I think your relationship with food seems unhealthy. I advise you to reach out for help. You've already done so by telling us with this post, but there are still other ways. Can you tell your therapist, if you have one? If you don't, can you find a therapist, a school counselor...? Can you talk to your head physician in order to be sent to a psychiatrist or psychologist? Can you talk to your friends and loved ones about your relationship with food so they might be able to help you? You could try the online therapy here on 7Cups, too.
I hope things get better as soon as possible.
@Kasha2000 - I'm proud of you for opening up about all that here - I know that's not easy to do. And I am sorry that you're in such a tough position right now - I can understand how so many factors add up to making things worse, like unhealthy food being cheaper, the mindset of feeling like you don't know when you can get something next, etc.
I think often trying to tackle a big issue all at once can be really hard and demotivating when it doesn't work out. But I am a big believer in small steps that can help build confidence and move towards healthier habits steadily. What do you think some of those small steps might be?
A couple ideas:
- You mentioned not being able to stock up on lots of healthy options because they are expensive - that can definitely be true of a lot of things! But there are some healthy options that are cheaper and it might be worth trying to have some of them on hand to see if it helps - things like eggs, beans, oatmeal, frozen or canned veggies, etc.
- You said one thing tends to lead to another and you buy way more than you originally plan to. Rather than trying to start with not buying the junk food, could you try to start by limiting what you get? Maybe bringing only a few dollars with you to the store so you can't get a lot or working on limiting yourself to one sweet and one savory item?
- Once you have a craving, it can be really hard to stop thinking about it and not binge. One thing that I have found helpful is making a '20 minute rule' - tell yourself you're allowed to have whatever it is you're craving, but you have to wait 20 minutes first and spend those 20 minutes focused on something healthier - talking to someone, distracting yourself, doing some mindfulness activities, going for a walk, etc. Sometimes after the 20 minutes, you'll still want to binge, but sometimes that's just enough time to make it feel a little less intense.
If you ever need someone to talk to about all of this, don't hesitate to reach out. I believe you can overcome this, step by step
