Eating Disorder Community - How do you actually feel today?
I don't think I can live without it.. I'm so scared to eat.. I'm scared to binge after starving.. I'm scares to lose friends cause of it. I'm scares to change it.. I know I'm doing the wrong thing. But it feels like it's the only thing I can do
I miss eating. Just normal eating. Pick something to eat and indulging until I was full without a thought to the calorie count.
Now I am obsessed and scared by food. When choosing what to eat, it is completely about the calorie count and not what I feel like eating.
My mom keeps asking me to bake and I keep eating the cookies:( helllp meeee
I'm a nervous wreck about the holidays coming up. I only worked out for half my normal work out...so I'm extremely on edge. Although I didn't eat much today, I purged both times. The silly thing is that what I'm purging isn't very many calories .. it's the fact that it's in me.. I feel like such a failure for not working out. I can't stop thinking about Christmas dinner. I'm all over the place.
I went out of my comfort zone today and ordered something I haven't had in months. Although I had to force myself to drink it, I enjoyed it. Even though my head is driving me crazy, I won't act out. At least that's the plan.. it's so easy to calm the voices down by purging it.. but I know that doesn't solve the problem.
Christmas days made me gain.. I'm so stuck in anxiety...I wish I could die.. I can't tell anyone.. I'm breaking inside. smiling outside so no one has to worty
I will never be able to live alone. I will always need a roommate or something just to remind me to eat...😞
I think i gave up fighting.. Bulimia took control over me and my life.. But I can't tell anyone. I'm always saying that I'm trying my best to fight it.. I'm such a disappointment
@ShallanXx - It can be hard to keep fighting sometimes when it gets so exhausting. I get that. But I also still believe in you and think that being honest here about where you're at and that you're struggling to keep fighting is a good step and one you should be proud of. If you're having trouble telling your friends how you're feeling because you feel like a disappointment, do you think it might help to talk about those feelings with someone here since they won't know who you are personally? I know it's hard, but I do believe in you and no matter what you do, you are not a disappointment, you're a warrior.
@Anomalia.. One day with out purging.. I feel really guilty..
And on here I can't seem to find people who actually care and understand.. But maybe it's me. I'm driving everyone crazy
1 cinnamon roll and a small gummy candy yesterday.
A high calorie recovery protein shake today.
I have also lost lbs.
This is what has been going on the past 2 days.
@alexaners7734 - I'm worried about you, dear. It sounds like things have felt really out of control for you recently and that you're still struggling to move in a recovery direction. What do you feel would help you get back on track in that direction? What support do you have right now?
@Anomalia my job tries to make sure they see me eat. I'm eating Chinese and macaroni now, dispite my rules. It just looked good... Hate myself for this, but I am still going to eat it.
@alexaners7734 - I know it's hard to feel comfortable eating foods that you're not usually letting yourself have, but I'm really proud of you for seeing something that looked good and going for it - that's a big step! Way to go!
I'm so nervous these past few days.. I haven't eaten. I had a breast ultrasound done, and now they want a biopsy. My stomach has been in knots since I've found out. I'm so stressed. My boyfriend has been begging me to eat. I don't know why he's freaking now, he has never before..so why now? He has been weighing me. Like every few days. Why can't he see that I'm trying? All I want to do is cry. I feel like everyone is on top of me. I need to schedule an appt with a breast surgeon on top of everything, so I can do my biopsy. All I can think about is sleeping...I'm drowning.. and eating is causing me more stress.. *sighs*
@Redheadbaker7206 - It sounds like a lot of really scary stuff starting to pile up, and I can understand how that makes it that much harder to eat, but I also know that your body needs nourishment - always, but especially when fighting for health. It sounds like your boyfriend is really worried about you, and I'm guessing for good reason. What can you do to take small steps towards health?
@Anomalia
I expanded my diet to incorporate more food...I'm now eating breakfast. I just don't see what else I could do. I'm searching for another therapist. It's just so much going on all at once. If I eat then it stresses me out, if I don't eat it stresses everyone else out. I feel like I can't win. I have to live in my skin..not them..I just want to be comfortable in my skin.
@Redheadbaker7206 - I think expanding your diet to incorporate a little more and eating breakfast is a really big step and I'm proud of you! I know it's hard to begin with and harder still when you're looking for the right therapist and don't yet have that support. But I do believe in you and I believe that with time and support, you can get to a point where comfortable in your skin doesn't have to mean starving yourself. *hugs*