Introduce yourself to the 7 Cups Eating Disorder Community!
Here it goes.
When I was a child I found it difficult to eat.everything seemed enormous, a plate of peas,a yoghurt etc. But I am certain my parents gave the appropriate quantities for a child my age. My mother was worried, the only things I was attracted to were yoghurt,eggs and a bit of red meat. The pediatrician said I could have 5eggs per meal and not to worry. Indeed I gradually managed to eat different foods. But I was tall and very thin. In fact I learned last year that I have a kind of IBS and it's probable that as a child I managed to feel when eating would trigger pain and so ate small amounts.
But when I was 11 my father and grandfather died, my mother started drinking and I was starting middle school and heavily bullied. One of their favourite strategies was to empty my dessert in my plate so it was too disgusting to eat.
So when I came home, I was biologically hungry but also hungry for something comforting, affection, something to fill the void of mourning and the fear and shame experienced during the day. And there started binge eating. I had lost the connection to my body warning when it couldn't handle food and saturated it. Of course when I had stomachache I linked it to the bullying. My mother started shaming me over my weight. It didn't help.
I am going through a particularly bad patch so every negative emotion is converted in calories.
@considerateTree2184
Awesome job sharing your story. It takes alot of courage to open up and it shows how strong you are. Welcome to the community! I hope I see you around in more posts. Looking forward to getting to hear more about you and your recovery journey <3
@summertimeSamness
Thank you ! I appreciate it. I have started to alter my diet by cooking raw ingredients rather than buying processed foods. But I am so depressed it is a terrible effort. I am making myself smoothies, I baked low calorie cupcakes but I felt asleep and didn't hear the timer so...the flavour is burnt almond. You can almost taste the almond.
I went on a very nasty binge last week end after a major argument with my partner. I try to balance everything since both my doctors have warned that a restrictive diet can worsen the depression which is pretty bad already. As I have low energy my body craves sugar but sugar highs are also very bad for a depressed brain.
So I try to balance, cereals, veggies, protein.
I am 30 years old and finally trying to get my bulimia under control. I have had an eating disorder since I was 16 but it became much worse when I went to college and was on my own and I've never been able to get it back under control. I'm now married and have a child and a successful career and the fact that I have achieved so much and still battle this disorder makes me feel enormously ashamed. I live in small town and have a public job, so I can't join a group and I can't go to a counselor without running into someone I know or having the counselor turn out to be married to a co-worker. I feel alone in this and terrified I'll never beat it. I've been successful in not binging or purging for 4 days now, which is a victory but I feel more depressed every day. I thought I'd feel better every day. I don't know if being on these anonymous apps really helps anyone, but I figured it was worth a shot.
@Abttme - Hi there and welcome! The first thing I want to say is that there is nothing to be ashamed about in struggling. I can relate a lot to what you've said, especially about being in a successful career and still keeping this a secret and worrying that it will get out, but because I've been in a similar position, I also know that recovery is possible. Going four days without binging and purging is absolutely a victory and it's a great place to start from in moving forward! You said that you don't feel like you can reach out for support or see a counselor where you are, so I am glad you are here, and you are absolutely welcome to reach out to me directly if you would like to talk more. Another thing that might be worth thinking about for additional support is whether it might be a possibility to see a counselor in a different town or online if you think that professional help would be useful but not possible in your town.
Hope to hear from you, and will be sending some extra strength your way!
Hi! Im 21 and Ive had multiple eating disorders for about 7 years now. I have been clean for about two years, but a recent breakup of a long-term relationship has caused me to relapse pretty badly. This is probably the worst Ive ever been so Im taking new steps to hold me accountable for my recovery. I know whats its like to live free and I want to get back to that point! So excited to be in a community!
@energeticShade6603 - Welcome! I'm glad to hear that you're being so proactive about getting back on track after experiencing a relapse. It's defintely disheartening and scary to slip back, but I think you're right that knowing how good recovery can feel is a powerful motivator. Don't hesitate to reach out if you could use some extra support and remember - you were strong enough to beat this before and you're strong enough to beat it again!
Hello, Im 23 years old. Ive been struggling with food my entire life. When I was a toddler I didnt want to eat (without any reason?) over time it got a little better. But When I got older I became scared of many types of foods. When I was 8 I developed an eating disorder. It became worse over the years but nobody ever really found out. When I was 21 I was so skinny that everybody was worried. But still nobody knew I was struggling with annorexia. They thought it was because of my depression and lack of sleep (yes, that too). After I met my ex my annorexia changed in bulimia.. but that made it even harder for myself to deal with. Because of the binge eating I gained weight ([edited by Anomalia to remove weight specifics] but for me thats a looooot) That made me even more depressed. Im really trying to eat healthy and work out and get better but its just not working out. I have a verry stressfull job, lack of sleep.. everything results in emotional eating and that makes me gain weight, which makes me even more miserable. Kind of a Vicious circle.. Sorry if my English is bad, its not my first language. Thanks for listening! X
@Jloise - Welcome - I'm really glad you're here! I can relate to having an eating disorder that over time morphs from one set of symptoms to another and it can be hard to find that balance where you are in a healthy spot. One thing that I think can be an important step is looking for the patterns to understand when those urges come most - is it a certain time of day? a certain environment? a certain emotion? Knowing what tends to encourage emotional eating can help set a plan in place for how to avoid those situations where possible or have some plans for how else to deal with them.
If it would help to talk through it all, you're more than welcome to reach out. Take care and stay strong - you can absolutely beat this!
Hello! I am a 15-year-old and I've struggled with eating my whole life. When i was little i didn't eat as much as i should have and i was always called skinny. When i got older being fat became a huge fear and i became afraid of food. Now I've had anorexia for a few years and im here. Im pretty lost and have no idea what to do but im very friendly :D
@TeaAngel - Welcome! I'm glad to see you here and I think that often just recognizing that you have a problem and reaching out for support is a big (and sometimes scary) first step, so I'm proud of you! That fear of weight gain can be a big one, but I think it's also something that can be overcome. To start with, I think challenging those thoughts can help. Why are you afraid of it? What would happen if you did gain a little weight? Are those things you think will happen based on fact or are they assumptions? Are there any good things that come with gaining a little weight?
If you could use some extra support, feel free to reach out to me. Take care!
In the past year and half I lost a lot of weight. I was not unhealthy. I ate really healthy. I only got down to [edited by Anomalia to remove weight specifics] lbs. I would like to be [edited] lbs. I have struggled with my weight all of my life. I tried everything. fasting, throwing up, laxatives, extreme excercise. I have been made fun of my whole life for my weight. Even my mother and family made fun of me when i was little. I have gained weight the past few months and i am really depressed about it. i want to go back and gain control of my body.
@modestTalker1536 I should say that I was fat when i was a little kid. and off and on all of my life. i really wish i was anorexic and skinny to be hones.
@modestTalker1536 - I'm sorry that people have said mean things to you about your weight - no one has a right to do that and it's understandable that over time those comments become internalized. But I also know that with eating disorders, nothing ever ends up feeling like enough even when you think reaching a certain goal weight will suddenly make things okay. Are you happy having lost weight, or does the number keep getting smaller that you need to reach? Is it possible that happiness isn't actually found in reaching a low weight but in disconnecting self worth from size?
Anomalia I was very happy having lost weight, but my weight is back up again because of depression and stress. This is typical for me, unfortunately. I felt a lot better thinner. at least there was something in my life that I could control and feel proud of . I feel unloved and I think maybe if I lose weight someone will love me, I guess. I have other qualities that I think are good , but no one seems to notice those. I've been alone for a long time. kind of tired of it!
@modestTalker1536 - You mentioned losing weight as something you could control and feel proud of. Do you think that maybe working towards another goal could help you feel that same sense of pride without risking hurting your body? What are other things that you would like to acheive?
It's definitely frustrating to feel like no one notices the other good qualities about you! When you say you are looking for someone who loves you, do you mean in a romantic fashion or as a friend?
@modestTalker1536 I'm sorry I posted the actuall lbs. I didn't know I shouldnt do that :( anomalia....sorry
@modestTalker1536 - No problem! I know that not everyone knows not to, so I just check and edit when I see it. In the eating disorder forums specifically, we don't allow specific mentions of weight or calories because they can be triggering for many people in this group.
Hey everyone!
So this is my first time posting here. I am Andrea, I am currently in recovery since the beginning of 2018. I've been struggling with anorexia for around 6 years on and off. I'm currently at a weird moment in my recovery. I don't know if I want to keep going anymore, everything seems scary. I feel like I am heading towards another eating disorder and having binge eating moments. I miss having anorexic behaviours and I have no idea what to do anymore.
I hope you're all doing okay! I'd love to hear from other people!
Have a nice day/night!
@AndreaSth - I can definitely relate to that challenge! I think it's really hard early in recovery to figure out what the balance is and what "healthy" actually means in eating. But I would also challenge you to look at what you think might be binge eating and maybe ask someone else to evaluate it because I think sometimes it's true that we can swing between restricting and binging while trying to find a balance, but other times we might feel like we're binging because we're not used to eating what's actually a healthy amount.
The other thing I'll say is that I think as your body adjusts to being fed regularly, it gets better at sending you those hunger and fullness cues to let you know when you've had enough and when you might need a little more. It absolutely takes time to figure that all out, but I think it does come.
I'm proud of you for your recovery journey so far and I hope that you will give it more time and commit to it so that you can get to the good parts where you are able to eat without second guessing every bite and enjoy life without the full focus being back on food. It's hard, but it's really really worth it.
And if you need any extra support along the way, don't hesitate to reach out!
Thank you so much for your answer @Anomalia
I do have a support team and next week I'll start seeing a dietitian. I hope it will help me in getting healthier habits and I have planned to share with her my worries about binge eating. I have been diagnosed with anorexia and not with binge eating disorder so I do not want to diagnose myself which would be quite complicated.
But anyways I feel like surrounding myself with people who might understand my struggles another way than doctors do might be useful.
Hi, I'm 37 I am currently on waiting list for help with bulimia/depression. This is not my first bout of bulimia, I first had it in 2006 after dieting for over a year and being obsessive about everything surrounding it and being told to stop dieting... then the bulimia kicked in.. and I wish someone had stopped me that first time..
But after therapy I recovered, but over the years anytime I attempted to diet the bulimia would raise it' head again and I learned that for me diets were too risky... but I did a degree for six years so had no time to even think about dieting.. and after my degree I stupidly started dieting again... and once again it raised it's head but I thought if I kept it to once a week I'd be ok... and once again the diet became obsessive and the bulimia became more than once a week. I sought help back in August but ended up with a therapist who dismissed my issues so I decided I had to come of the diet and maybe I'd stop..
But in March I realised the bulimia wasn't going anywhere and I began having anxiety attacks.. I went back to doctor and he referred me to eating disorder unit and put me on anti depressants. I went to see them and they diagnosed me with depression and bulimia but have no appointments for 2 months... in the meantime I got signed off work and I'm hovering over a knife edge... its hard... each day things seem a little worse... and I say to myself if I could stop the bulimia... but there's this emptiness beyond the bulimia.. this chasm of nothing that scares me more than the bulimia.. and I'm scared that if I stop I will fell into it... and that is not logical... but it's how I feel. I feel there's this monster in my head gradually over riding all the good that may have been there, erasing all the sensibility, all the logic and all the hope... and I hate it... I can't think clearly at all..
Why am I here if I'm scared of letting it go? I guess I'm hoping for something to kick me into fighting again. People don't seem to understand, they say pull yourself together, or keep taking the tablets, your okay as you are, change your job... etc... but no one ever listens, no one ever wants to really know.. and you feel guilty, disgusted, ashamed.. and alone.. I feel really alone and I guess that's what the illness wants... so yep that's why I'm here... I just need space where I don't feel guilty for sharing... I guess.
About me beyond the illness... I'm a loner, I'm very curious and want to learn everything, i was trying to learn French as a challenge but my inner perfectionist took over and once more it became too much.. so yeah.. but I like watching movies and I like reading and am currently reading 'how to be human:a manual' by ruby was.
Anyways that's who I am... thanks for listening
Much love
Maggie x
@maggiemay1410
Heya Maggie! Welcome to the eating disorder support community! Sorry this welcome is belated <3 Did you get moved up on your program waitlist? I just wanted to check in with you to see how you're feeling and how your recovery journey is going? Hope you are having a good weekend! <3
Probably around 8th grade I have been suffering from slight symptoms of anorexia. Now, 21, it has hit it's peak. In a way I'd somewhat want help, just a ear or a shoulder to cry on, not a cure.
@TylerXDurden
Heya tyler, sorry this post is so late! But i wanted to welcome you to the eating disorder support community! I hope you were able to find a supportive listener here to be a supportive ear for you <3 How have you been feeling lately? <3
Hello, I have had concerns with eating since I was about 15yrs. I have nevered considered "it" a eating disorder because I always was able to get in control. 8yrs ago started to relapse and was not able to control the restricting. I was diagnosed with major depression and severe ptsd October 2017. January of this year decided to tell my doctor the concerns since I was going once a month anyways. She had an idea I was anorexia due to the blood work and weight loss. Maybe I can receive some help from you guys to receive some additional understanding.
Currently, I am totally in denial about the ED. I went to inpatient in April which was a disaster. Now, I may be going to a partial hospital program. My brain is still saying I'm "OK" and all those doctors are crazy. Since last July lost [edited to remove weight specifics] lbs but still normal weight. According to my pcp its not the weight its being malnutrition that is hurting my body.
[edited to remove weight specifcs by forum moderator @summertimeSamness] 07/08/18
@generousMoon9614
Heya Moon! Proud of you for sharing your story here & I wanted to welcome you to the eating disorder support community! Sorry it's a belated welcome! That's good you are working with your therapist and health care providers! How have you been feeling lately? <3