Life In Recovery

I have had an eating disorder for many years. Nine years, 4 months to be exact. It has flat out ruined my life and I don't want to be this way anymore, however with the damage I have done, I will never be 'normal', whatever normal is. I've had it all. Anorexia, bulimia, EDNOS, and compulsive exercise. When I was younger the restricting was easier, but now being a mother, and a student, purging is the way to go. But I don't want to be that way anymore. I am trapped in my own addiction. I don't care about the calories, or the fat, or how I look, all I care about is getting the food out, because that is what I have taught myself. My teeth are so thin, I fear they are going to break, and don't get me started on the lining of my stomach and throat. It is so damaged I am lucky there are no holes yet. Sounds scary hey? That's the reality of an eating disorder. However I am in recovery now, and here is my story. I hope I am able to inspire some people into getting help so they don't go down the road I went down, or if they are at the stage I am at or worse, hopefully I can be there to support them and let them know that it is hard work, but it is so worth it.

I've been doing treatment for my eating disorder for close to 6 months now. I do an amazing therapy called EMDR, which long story short, teaches your brain how to process trauma. However,l the fact of losing my eating disorder is scary. It has been with me through so much, and it cannot teach my brain to let it go. I mean who would want to let their security blanket go? It's like going outside naked in a Canadian winter. You need your protection against the cold, and in this case, the cold is the part of your mind that is telling you that what you are doing is the right thing to do. One of the best ways to start your treatment is to be able to tell which voice is speaking to you. Is it your disorder telling you to purge, or is it the sane voice telling you that you need to stop and get help. One thing that helps is every thought you have in your head, whether is the positive or negative side, is to write it down. That way you are taking the power away from the eating disorder. By slowly defeating the demon, it makes it easier to recover.

The next step from there is to make sure you have a therapist. If you can't be fully open to the one you have now, find a new one. There are many therapists for a reason. It may take one, it may take twenty, and yes it is super frustrating telling your story to everyone, but remember, admitting you have a problem is the first step. Talking about it is the second. You will know when you find the right therapist. I can't say how you know, but it's a good gut feeling you will have.

Once you start therapy, find a nutritionist. They can help you track your diet. Many nutritionist have dealt with many people with eating disorders, or even disordered eaters, so they know how to help you. They won't force you to eat 'normal' right off the bat. Recover takes time. The hardest part is re-wiring your brain back to the way it was before the eating disorder, and healing the triggers that originally caused the disorder. Nutritionists along with a therapist can be super expensive. As a young mother working two jobs, I have no money for extras. The thing that helps motivate mew to get better, is I want to be there for my daughter. She already has no father, I want her to at least have a mother, and a mother who is healthy and able to be there for her kid. Also studies have shown that mothers with an eating disorder will often pass the habits to the kids which in my mind, is not fair to them. Parents have to be a role model, and when you purge every meal, that is not being a good parent.

If you are like me, and can't afford both therapy and a nutritionist, at least see a therapist. Do you internet research and find out what is good for you. Many health food stores also have low cost or free clinics that talk about certain food. Just because you start eating again doesn't mean you have to eat crap food. Many people with an eating disorder think eating involves an overwhelming amount of calories that have to stay in your body, and often don't know how to deal with it. Fruits and veggies are low calories, and they give proper nutrients to your body, so the 7-10 servings of fruits and veggies they recommend a day actually only take up about 50-100 calories, because you are burning the low calories by eating, talking, getting out of your car, and daily activities. The next big mistake people make is protein. Protein is super heavy, but it helps your body burn calories, which is what we want! By eating 2-4 servings of protein a day, including protein powder, eggs, and other high protein foods, you are giving yourself healthy and natural energy, which help your body process other foods. Now with the furtive and veggies and protein, you are maybe at 300 calories so far for the day. That isn't that much, and even though that may be the limit for yourself, you are burning those 300 calories just from daily activities. This still isn't sustainable, but it's a start.

To be honest with everyone, it is way harder then it seems. It is scary and you have to push yourself so much, but in the long run, being there for my daughter, able to support others, able to live, is enough motivation for me to get better. Find your motivation and find your inner strength and success will come. I believe in you and your wellness and ability to recover. You don't need to go to an in-patient centre to recover, you can do it yourself.

'If I believe in you, and you believe in me, isn't that the same as saying I believe in me, and you believe in you?'

- Cat (MusicGal)