Can I tell my mom I don't want her to call me on my birthday
Tomorrow is my birthday. I just got a message from my dad that my mom plans to call me. I knew she probably would try to arrange something. I would like to tell her that I don't want to have a call. We have a complicated relationship. She has been verbally/emotionally abusive a lot and is very controlling. I struggle to set boundaries with her because she has a habit of continuing to try to convince me or being pushy or intimidating to get her way. Maybe it's petty, but I am very particular about my birthday and really want to spend it with people who make me happy. I feel like I would be answering the phone just to please her/avoid making her angry or upset, but it is my birthday and I want to stand up to her more. I don't really know what I would say in terms of an explanation, but I don't want to just make an excuse and say I'm busy. Maybe just a simple, "thanks for trying to check-in, but that's not something I want today."
@Daydreamer47
Aw that's not petty at all, we should be allowed to celebrate our special day as we like, and it's so nice how you want to spend it with people that make you happy, that, in my books, is the best kind of celebration always.
I get how difficult it must be setting boundaries with someone that repeatedly pushes them too much, and how the stress alone of handling with the same stuff alone can be quite exhausting, something you can definitely go without, atleast on a day you want to do nothing with that sort. While it indeed seems nice of her to check in, you're allowed to decide how you wish to respond (if you do or do not, that too, yes). Is it an option to ask your dad to see if he can talk to your mum into not calling you (if that's what you prefer), or could maybe just do a text rather than a call (one you can always revert at your pace)?❤
I hope your birthday goes stress-free and you're indeed surrounded with love and loving, happy and those that make you feel happy, you deserve that everyday, not just on your Birthday. Sending lots of love and your favorite treats your way. Happy Birthdayyy! ❤
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou Thank you very much. I really appreciate it. My dad is sometimes more mellow and accepting than her, but he definitely would side with her and say I am being mean to my mom, she just misses you, etc. I also have had many conversations expressing to her that I find it stressful to talk to her due to past hurt/conflict and I want her to respect my space and approach things at my own pace, but she kind of selectively forgets and thinks I got over it and continues pestering me for more attention. I think maybe like you said I could say "thank you for the birthday text. I don't feel up to a call today" or something.
@Daydreamer47
No worries.
Aw that really is an awful place to be in, it's difficult setting boundaries and when it gets overlooked by people, it's even harder to maintain, I feel that too, certainly not on you, it's always a "them" thing. You are trying really hard and I just wished she'd allow you your pace and space. :/
How was your Birthday? I hope you had some nice moments too minus this stress hehe.❤
Happy Birthday for tomorrow ! I think that tact is the key here and anything that can be construed by your mum as criticism or rejection will not be well received. Could you possibly phone or text her tonight ? and explain that you enjoy your chats....but as tomorrow is so full on, you would prefer to take some time and chat with her the day after your birthday. Rather than cramming everything into one day.
It's about saying No, but in a way which hurts neither of you. And that you get to enjoy your day without worrying about your mum. I hope that it all works out and you have a fab day xx
@Daydreamer47 Hi. I understand this. I have a relative who tries to contact me and I absolutely don’t want to talk to them! I want them to leave me the f alone, but I don’t want to say that to them because that would cause other problems, and they wouldn’t understand anyway. I just ignore their calls or texts. Maybe change your voice mail for the day to say something like, Hi, sorry I missed your call, I’m out hiking for my birthday in an area that will likely have spotty or nonexistent cell service. Leave a message and I’ll get back to you on Thursday.
@helpfulAvocado7912 Yeah I am sorry you experience that as well. I have made excuses in the past, but with my mom I guess part of my goal is to take up space and express my own emotions that I tend to bottle when she pushes to get her way. I guess it depends on the relationship. Maybe I don't need to like make a whole speech today lol but I think I do just want to assert that it's not something I want today and for my birthday, what I need/want/feel is important.
@Daydreamer47 There is a book I like for navigating relationship issues, it can work with partners, co workers, business associates, etc. It takes some effort in learning, and it might not be worth the effort with your mom, but then again, because it can work in so many relationships it may be worth the effort. Dr David Burns, “Feeling Good Together.” It has worked wonders in a couple relationships that I thought were toast. I don’t apply it to the relationship with the relative I mentioned in my post. Anyway, best of luck with saying what you need to say and I hope you have a wonderful birthday.
Also fyi I am in my 30s, I'm not a teenager or something. I feel like the level that I feel still afraid of my mom, afraid to express my own needs and say no to her because she will have a tantrum, scream, slam doors, etc. is kind of wild. She is a bully and while I do my best to stand up to her calmly to express how I feel without insults or aggression, I think I need to keep asserting my boundaries and needs no matter how she responds.
@Daydreamer47 Hi there! It sounds a bit like there are two parts to this (disregard if I'm wrong); you don't want your mom calling you on your birthday and you want to improve how you set boundaries with her. I don't know your particular situation, but I do understand complicated relationships and how tricky they can be to navigate. If you don't want to feel upset on your birthday, but do want to set more of a boundary than making up an excuse or saying you're busy, you could always miss the call from her, then send a text the next day with something like, "I enjoyed my day yesterday and didn't have time for phone calls, but thanks for calling." This acknowledges her feelings while setting your own terms for communication.
That said, maybe you'd feel better just telling her ahead of time that you don't want any phone calls; if so, what you wrote sounds good and sets a clear boundary. Ultimately the most important is that you listen to your own gut feeling and have the chance to enjoy your day (happy birthday, btw)!
