Family
i don’t have the best relationship with my family. I have hurt, and resentful feelings, and they trigger my anxiety and depression. I’ve debated going no contact with all of them, but it just doesn’t feel right, but at the same time I have a hard time having a relationship with them. I never reach out unless they reach out to me first. My self absorbed mother came to visit a couple months ago, and bought me tons of stuff my new apartment, and I feel guilty not reaching out. She was going to get teeth work, and I was hoping she would share the news with me, but I feel like I shouldn’t be responsible to ask about it, and she should want to share the news with me, and how it went as she was excited about it. I have gone no contact with my narcissistic sister, and it’s been the best decision for me for right now, but of course my mom wants me to talk to her even though my sister has put me through the most mental pain. My sister is a bully she has slapped me and takes advantage of me and calls me names. Even as adults I’m currently 29. I have no desire to talk to someone who is miserable, and talks down to me like I can’t do anything right. Every interaction is mostly about how stupid or wrong or how upset I’ve made her, and constantly makes me feel guilty about something. Then my mom is demanding I make a health choice, and almost forced me. As she says she’s not asking a lot. I just always feel invalidated, and I just want my decisions, and choices to be respected. I always feel like I have to do what they say. I feel powerless and a doormat. I feel like if you say anything to a narcissist they don’t listen, and it only makes matters worse. I feel just being silent is the only way, but the limited contact makes me feel guilty for not reaching out, but I really don’t want to. I just am unsure what to do to navigate this. Should I go no contact. Just express how I feel, and deal with the consequences of upsetting them etc?, and just take care of me. It’s so hard.
@Mre605
Going no contact with your family is a tough personal decision to make. You mentioned you've gone no contact with your sister and that's helped you a lot. Do you have to interact with her during holiday times or are you able to arrange time so that you do not have to see her at family functions? I can relate to your struggles with your mom and wresting with going no contact. It sounds like she, and the rest of your family, have been dismissive and disrespectful to you but putting you down, forcing you to go along with what they want, and being judgmental. It's understandable that you are feeling depressed and anxious given the situation. It doesn't sound like they are interested in changing or feel the need to change their behavior towards you. It also sounds like you are ready to out some boundaries in place to protect yourself emotionally. As you are exploring your boundaries, do you think there are ways to limit contact that would help you feel more protected? Perhaps limiting your contact to text messaging only? Perhaps limiting the time you spend talking to once per week for a specified time? Perhaps using the gray rock technique inn your interactions with them? Gray rocking, in basic terms, means you become as boring as a gray rock, share minimal information with them, and keep your responses with them neutral. You also have the option of going no contact, perhaps? Your boundaries, what works for your emotional wellbeing, is as individual and unique. No matter what you choose, be firm in your boundaries as you feel comfortable.
Hello, thank you for your response it means a lot…both my mom and sisters family live on the same property. I visited like a year and a half ago, and we were both civil and she mostly stayed at her house, but other then that I have not had to interact with her she has tried to send emails to get me to talk to her, and I’m just not ready to yet. I’m also a manager at 24 hour business that I’ve been actually having to work holidays so I haven’t been able to luckily even spend time with my family and my parents are divorced and live far away from me. Although both my parents keep trying to get me to move in or near them. I have no desire. I definitely have limited contact which is nice and don’t talk to them much, but it gets to a point where it’s been awhile and then I just start to feel guilty etc. they always make comments you can pick up the phone and call or haven’t heard from you etc. I’m definitely a private person and honestly try not share to much with them and usually listens to them speak. I guess with my moms requests I just have to stand strong and not give in, and be true to myself.
@Mre605
My situation is a little similar to yours but I haven't moved out. It's good that you already have a stable job that can support the housing fees and live far from people that can upset you. For me, it's hard to live under the same roof as I'm 30 now, but moving out seems difficult for a freelancer like me I haven't saved up enough. And I don't even know if moving out can solve my mental problems of low self-esteem.
I would suggest that anytime you feel the need to call your mother (or anyone you care for), just give them a call and don't text. As texting may fail to convert feelings sometimes, a call does it way better and live no trace, I mean when you open your mother's text later you won't have to feel somewhat weird. Keep reminding yourself that you have done nothing wrong to them and are not responsible for their feeling.
Make it up to them by giving your familiar gifts occasionally. Health supplements like Omega 3... collagen, calcium, and so on... if you can afford to buy. Clothes and jewelry and other material stuff can make others please without too much care. In the future when you have gained enough mental strength and confidence to face them, ask them out for dinner. I wish you could eventually face them with your head up high, your back straight, have nothing to worry about, and calmingly reply with whatever they throw at you. You living independently from them now, I hope you all the best in the future.