Having slow and steady mental breakdown after marriage
I got married to a orthodo indian family. Before marriage my mother in law had some issues with my mother, she thought my mother is very interfering and doesn't respect her enough. She very blatantly and outrightly insulted my parents at my own house, 2 months before marriage. Still we got married and things kind of settled down a bit. There were many times my mother-in-law used to taunt me by saying your mother used to say this or your mother used to say that, implying that my mother doesn't know basics of how to give respect and so do I. From day 1 I felt being over judged in some ways or another. Both my mother-in-law and father-in-law are like thread and needle. So this implies to both of them. I tried sooooo hard to be respectful towards them and think of them as my own parents but because they are very critical of me and always admonished me in every little thing possible, I kind of drifted away from what I was doing for them. Basically I was just doing my duties towards them and that all. I have no love towards them but only respect that their position demands. I am always stressed and always scared and waiting for the other shoe to drop. Some day my in laws are very happy and very funny and other day they just keeps staring at me for no reason at all. Its been a year that I got married. I am always scared that about when my in-laws will again be questioning me or when they will be mad at me for doing or saying something. My husband tries sooo damn hard to keep sync between everyone. He is very busy with his job but everyday he tries to spend time with me and his family to keep everyone happy. He is not very empathetic but he tries his level best to understand what I am going through and that things are very unfair with me. If required he even speaks to his parents if things go over the head.
But.. after all this.. I feel very uncomfortable, unloved, alone in my own home. Due to covid we are staying with my in laws. I have started feeling very dumb, i have started forgetting things. My weight is decreasing slowly. I am always tired. I cant concentrate on my job. I have no motivation in doing anything. I keep seeing sad movies to find a reason to cry and release every emotion that is built up in my heart. I feel like my analytical skills, communication skills, time management skills have suffered the most due to this continuous stress. I feel like I have become a little dumb in overall personality. I don't know how to explain this but I have.
@NightShadeMusk
It sounds like you are under an enormous amount of pressure from your in-laws when they seem to demand perfection from you. Especially since you are living in their home now due to covid. It sounds like your husband tries to understand your feelings and will speak with his parents in an effort to keep the peace. I understand that, due to the long hours he works, that he's not able to see what's happening when he isn't home. It's understandable that you are feeling lonely and sad since you are giving so much respect but not receiving respect in return. Making snide comments about your mother isn't fair to you and I can understand how hurtful it is to hear her being put down because you love and respect her so much. Is it possible for you to talk to your in-laws about how you feel or would that be considered disrespectful? Is there someone you can talk to, a friend or perhaps your mother? Is moving into your own home, with your husband, a possibility in the future? Is it possible for you to get out of the house, perhaps taking a daily walk, for some stress relief?
@PeaceLoveandPaws
Thanks for your kind words. It felt so good to see that somebody out there is understanding what I feel and not categorising it in right or wrong. Speaking to the inlaws about my feelings is not an option as they would expect me to understand their point of view and agree with them. Although the misunderstanding between mu mother and my mother-in-law was partially due to my mother-in-law not sticking to her word and finding wrong meanings in other peoples statements. And she is not someone who would accept this as a flaw or her mistake. So I don’t want to go down that road.
but yes moving out of the house is what I am looking for, we are thinking out shifting out in January. I hope everything’s settles then. Thanks again for hearing me out. But I don’t know in long run, I don’t want to be someone who doesn’t want to live with the in-laws and breaks a family apart.
I would write a letter explaining your feelings about your in laws honest and respectful
then ask them to sit on a bench with you
leave your husband out of it for now. It doesn’t involve him right now and he’s going to tell you not to do it because it will upset his parents but that’s not fair to you.
and read your letter to your in laws.
unburden yourself. There is no reason why you should have to hold all of this pain to yourself. Once you confront the pain the healing will begin. Until then you will be stuck counting down the days to move out or move away and hate them for ever and that’s just a waste, a waste of your relationship with them, a waste of your negative energy inside. You are amazing and you are worth more than this treatment.
Tell them you are willing to compromise and work with them if they would xyz for example - try to be less critical by xyz for example - talking less to you directly about how your parents raised you because you take it personally and you love your parents very much and you think they did an ok job raising you and obviously they did because your husband loves you very much.
After confronting them once you might have to remind them and point out when they are doing what they said they stopped. If the continue to do it anyway after you’ve expressed your feelings well then get some space from them because they aren’t going to change for now and you then have to accept that. At least you know you tried.
Also some important things to consider - I would say they probably are aging, if you have a husband, so they are older and more likely stuck in their ways. And you are in their space. Not that you have to tolerate the negativity but it’s their home you moved in? So they probably already shave their ways and their opinions and that’s kind how it is.
I feel that maybe I am also wrong somewhere. I can’t let go of things easily. I cannot change this bad habit of mine which I know will be wrong for me in future. I just cant forget the things she said before. My husband wasn’t always like this. Earlier he used to be mad at me because I some things I said in-front of his parents. His only point was the sentence that I framed meant completely different to his parents. Which made them think that I was not taught properly. Or maybe Other parents don’t know what to teach their children and when to stop them. We belong to different places. Our language, our slangs are completely different. So I have started to second guess everything, started to think way to much before speaking. After everything was okayish. But then there were things in my mind that was telling me that I am not okay with me changing my language or words or even tone. Once I acknowledged my feelings that I am not okay here, that was the time all this started my own head. Up until now I was okay doing as I was supposed to do according to them. I even spoke to my husband about all this and then he understood the things I am kind of going through. He comforted me by saying that he understands and that I should some things that my mother-in-law says because she somethings goes out of line and there is nothing he can do about it. I think as an Indian we need to let certain things go or at-least ignore to live a happy life. I don’t wish to leave or hurt my in-laws. They are great people. Its just they didn’t accept me as I am in the starting and now maybe I am retaliating in my own head. I don’t know even if what I am saying makes sense. But this is what I feel. I can’t talk to my husband about this because this will only make him feel bad. He anyways thinks that he is somewhere unable to keep me happy. I don’t want to burden him with my unnecessary thoughts.
