How (and Why) To Stop Holding a Grudge
"Grudges exist on a spectrum. Some grievances don’t impact your daily life, but you remember them nonetheless. These surface-level grudges are easier to relinquish. Others take root in the soul and can grow into hatred.
Holding a grudge is an ongoing cycle
The person on the receiving end of the transgression begins to experience feelings of inadequacy — “How could someone do this to me?” — which leads to validation-seeking; the scorned person recounts the story to others who are, ideally, just as aghast. If the victim is unable to let go, ruminates over the event, and feels justified in their resentment, a grudge can form. They have these thoughts and emotions, this negativity about the person who did them wrong, negativity about themselves, questioning lots of different things around this event. Then a breaking point leads to a grudge.
Over time, the white-hot intensity of spite dissipates and the grudge doesn’t occupy so much mental space. This is the acceptance phase: accepting that you’re holding a grudge. However, you might hear a song, say, reminding you of an unfaithful partner, and find yourself deep in the trenches of resentment once more. That spurs the cycle again, where you move into that unmet need for validation, you try to seek validation, and then so on and so on until the next trigger.
If you’re not ready (or willing) to forgive
Letting go of a grudge is not the same experience as forgiveness. Struthers sees forgiveness as a decision you make to replace a negative judgment of a person or situation with a positive feeling. By contrast, moving on from a grudge might conjure indifference instead of positivity; you don’t need to feel warm and fuzzy toward a person who wronged you to avoid letting negative feelings control your life.
Even if your resentment stems from an incident long in the past — say, harboring ill will toward a bully from high school — consider how the person may have matured and evolved throughout their life. This thought experiment doesn’t forgive their words or actions, but it allows you to view them as someone capable of growth. “With grudges, it can be really easy to get into that fixed mindset of ‘this is just who people are,’” says licensed clinical psychologist Lauren Cook. “Holding a hope that they have made better decisions and treated people better, that might help us get a little better sleep at night.”
To release the deepest grudges, you need to forgive
However, the strongest antidote against grudge-holding is forgiveness. Forgiveness is a solitary and conscious process, and the person who hurt you doesn’t necessarily need to apologize or take responsibility. To truly forgive someone, you have to decide to do some emotional work, like digging deep into the psyche of the person who hurt you. “What kind of wounds does this person have to have wounded you?” Then, consider your shared humanity: You and the person who wronged you are both unique human beings with meaningful lives.
This process may take time and patience; to find commonality and empathy for someone you perceive as an aggressor or manipulator is no small feat."
Read the full article on Vox
✨Takeaway: Letting go of a grudge is not the same experience as forgiveness. It is possible to move on from a grudge without feeling positively toward the situation or person.
✨Reflection: Have you ever held a grudge? Did you ever let it go?
#Grudge #Forgiveness #Family #Relationships #MentalHealth #Forgive
@innateJoy9602 I let go of grudges.
@peachNorth2287
That's good to hear!
I am glad you are able to do so!💜
