How to be supportive in this situation
Hey,
I don't know know how to express it exactly. My sister is facing problems with her husband and in-laws. She tell me everything that bothers her and I try to do the best I can to support her without making her feel negative about the whole situation. Its being on since around two years and now I feel so emotionally exhausted and disturbed. She never follows my advice and suggestion which I totally get, its her life and she is mature enough to take decisions. But she tell me all the incidences over and over and look for my expressions and reactions and snap at the slightest hint of disagreement. I don't know how to be supportive as well as preserve my own sanity. I don't want to be so negative about her husband because I know she loves him and he is not wrong in all the situations and obviously many things should be dealt at their mutual level. But she has a problem with my take over this situation.
I may be at wrong but I don't know what am I doing wrong because whatever I am doing turns out to be disaster. She is not ready to involve our parents and I am younger so I can't meddle. Please give some opinion what can I do.
@Searchingmysoul22 It sounds like your sister is under pressure because of her husband and his family, but instead of finding solutions to that problem she comes to you and puts you under pressure by putting you in an impossible situation.
You have already described some options that you have.
When you write, "without making her feel negative about the whole situation", that implies you have the option to be more honest with her about how negative the situation really is.
When you write, "she never follows my advice and suggestion", that implies you have the option to stop giving any advice or suggestions, and instead just say nothing.
When you write, "I don't know how to be supportive as well as preserve my own sanity", that implies you have the option to stop being supportive.
When you write, "She is not ready to involve our parents", that implies you could involve your parents and let them deal with the situation instead of you.
When you write, "I am younger so I can't meddle" , that implies that you could meddle if you wanted to. Perhaps your sister is behaving in this way because she wants you to meddle.
I agree with you that if whatever you do turns out to be a disaster, then you need to do something else that you haven't tried yet.
Charlie
@RarelyCharlie
Hey, thanks for the reply but I failed to get the clarity I was looking for. I know I can withdraw the support and cease to give any suggestion and all but thats not the solution I am looking for because I know my sister is actually distressed and lost somehow. May be I was not clear enough, neither she want me to meddle nor she let me tell my parents. I tried to be honest with her which is telling her that she is also wrong at some places and they need to workout things together and she also have a option to move on if things don't work out but never helped her.
* but that never helped her.
@Searchingmysoul22 Well, of course I do not know your sister, her husband or you, so it's impossible for me to to guess what might work.
Is there anyone you can ask who does know all of you?
Charlie
@RarelyCharlie
Thank you.. trying to figure out.
@Searchingmysoul22
@Searchingmysoul22
hey Soul! kudos for caring about your family, we need more of that, truly!
pardon if im blunt or if a random stranger posts replies but I hope you trust me that I dont come from a place of judgement of unkindness - redflag was when I came to the part you typed "she never follows my advice and suggestion" - is VERY tough but HAS to be done...that we care from a 'position' where we are 100%-care and also 100%-not.involved
not sure how to put these in words but I sense you might have a clue as you are very smart yourself to say "I totally get, it is her life"
We love them enough...that they get strong nuff...to do stuff. we dont do "for them" ...or force because everyone lives their 24 hours being responsible for their 24hours..no one can 'live those hours/life circumstances' for anyone else
Soul, you know those recipes we can find online...so detailed, so carefully written but sometimes even following TO THE LETTER does not bring us to exactly where we want to go..
but I see redeeming...a lot in fact - you are kind, you are astute, also you are not a disaster at all because you keep giving kindly, and patiently to this situation
you know how (say, example) if someone is in Japan but has one million USD dollars...it cannot be used, UNTIL we exchange rate? also..if I have a whole basket of Japan-Yen but I am in US, I need to 'convert' first....keep being the Safe Place your sister can run to and completely be herself...
grow HER strength and then, she will pick the most beneficial actions/paths
You have TWO people to take care of...your sister...AND yourself - always watch out for these TWO just as you have done so well...keep going.. and sorry for the Essay babe! Thank you for spreading kindness!!
@Ludo9282
judgement *OR unkindness....bah!!! sorry for Typos....argh = (((
@Ludo9282
Hey ludo, thanks for the support and appreciation, much needed! I guess I need to be there for her without being manipulative in any way because the way I think can be right for her may actually not be right. I cannot totally understand her situation even if I listen to the story thousand times. Further on, I will try to be neutral and receptive while listening. But what to do when she asks for my opinion? She thinks that I don't support her when I stay neutral and that make things worse between us. Should I agree to everything she says? I know most of the things I will have to figure out myself and I will always try that she feels supported and heard. I guess I need to put a boundary also for my sake among the conversations.
Thanks again!
@Searchingmysoul22
most welcome! youve got this, 99% my friend...just need a little tiny bit more:
if you ask "what to do when ask for opinion?" - keep giving opinion, but
1) KEEP repeating to her...that it is YOUR rightful space to react as YOU deem fit.. (ie - you are welcome to think any thought/direction you want!) hopefully that helps her listen without abosrbing too much pain
2) and as you give opinion also know that you are offering your best, but also give HER space to decide whether to take something up, or decide not to take it up. even family...have to be respectful...if we 'force' ..thats not pretty anymore 0_0
also sense ..if she is not in any shape or form to listen to any other voice other than her own voice then we have to be kind instead and give HER that space to use your time together as a sounding board..also keep pointing out what shes doing good,
so she can continue to do more of the Good habits/practices/thoughts
you are superbly right and on-point to say the Ultimate Goal is that she feels supported and heard! I think youve got this 99.5% actually!
"She thinks that I don't support her when I stay neutral and that make things worse between us" - yer know, family is a 'huge blur' sometimes and not easily 'black and white'
youve been incredibly patient (and I dont say this to butter up. I really mean it) but you may have to start even more...at 'elementary' stages where you get down to even very basic 'get to know your sister' all over again
to know if she needs 5 words...give her 6
If she needs space and a long pause...give her double
if she needs someone to cry with her and come INTO her very tough situation, ugly-cry with her...it is no shame. she is your SIS, you can afford to ugly-cry and lose no dignity (why...because, Family) cry louder than her
not because fake. Because she needed to know someone sees her pain!!!
being kind is the same as learning a skill...playing the piano...riding a bike, or learning coding
it is back to being very elementary but youre already half the battle won ...why...coz youre family and you'll never desert her. so while youre learning to put your boundaries in place, youre also extending out a very firm and kind source of help to Sis...learn with her...and if a method/day does not work, get off the ground, dust yourself off, ...start again
Such an inspiration, Soul...wishing you the very best!!
ps - take breaks if you get tired! resting is actually a very wise action !!
@Ludo9282
I cannot thank you enough for your kind and wise words. I really feel I have got the thing I was looking for and will keep coming back to this whenever I will feel like loosing it.
Gratitude 😇
@Searchingmysoul22
I have some experience with this. I have a friend who was really struggling with her husband and in-laws for a while. She'd tell me about it and I would be upset because she doesn't deserve to be treated the way he was treating her but saying so would make her defend them and she would lose ability to vent and talk about her feelings and then not talk to me about it and lock it all in making the issues worst. So this is what I did. Let's call her Jane.
1. I told her I want to be there for her in whatever she needs.
2. I told her that I acknowledge that she's not telling all the ways her husband treats her right and all the happiness she feels around her inlaws, she's really only telling me things when she's upset and so I'm hearing a skewed version of the story. I also told her that she deserves to be treated amazing and if at any point she feels that she's not happy in the relationship to please tell me because I want to help in whatever way I can but I want to support her. I usually say - "I'm team Jane always, if being with them is making you happy then I want that for you, if you need to set boundaries or get away then I will help you"
3. I ask her what she wants out of our conversations. Does she want a soundboard, just someone who listens? Does she want sisterhood validation, someone to say No! You deserve better!? Does she want actual advice? This made a huge difference in our relationship because instead me burning myself out watching her in pain knowing if she followed my advice (usually DBT stuff) then things might be easier. It also made her feel like she could vent and be sad or angry without getting a lecture or homework. After doing this for a while I can usually figure out what she needs by the way she's telling the story, but I still ask at the end - Would you like some advice? Or would you like a different perspective? Most of the time she says yes, but in the times she said no, there were no hard feelings and it was kind of freeing.
4.The most important for you, set boundaries. Another thing we do is check in before we start venting. We usually say "Hey, are you in an emotionally stable place where you can handle me venting?" And Yes or No are perfectly good answers. This has also made a huge difference because we're not dumping on each others full plates. I would add, to your specific situation, communicating to your sister that you want to listen to her and be there for her, but you are allowed to have your own emotions when it comes to the subject.
@Applepine49
Thank you for the response apple! Very relatable. Yes, the problem we face is we don't want them to suffer but cannot take the decisions for them. All I can do is to be a good listener and provide what she is ready for along with setting some boundaries.