How to handle this type of conflict?
I feel like such a failure, and stupid. I started dating this guy who happens to be outside my race, and I feel like in the beginning everyone was just being judgmental, and rude. I still believe that in ways, but the relationship ended up becoming abusive, and I’m humiliated to face my judgmental family about it. He’s barely met them, and starting to stir up drama with them. I’m planning to call my dad, and explain everything, but I’m just nervous about the drama, and judgements. Worst part is this guy I thought was my soulmate, but at the same time there were so many red flags I just ignored like an idiot.
@Mre605
It sounds like you are kicking yourself really hard. Some people have very strong opinions about dating relationships outside of their own culture; race, spititual beleifs, or econocic status. I can understand the stress and conflict their judement caused you, especially if the person you were dating stirred up conflict with your family.
When we begn dating someone new, it's easy to get swept away with joy and happiness. Red flags aren't easy to see when you are swept away with happiness and love for someone you feel is your soulmate. I think a lot of people can relate to not seeing red flags until after the relationship had ended. I know I can personally relate about missing some relationship red flags. I am sorry your relationship became abusive and I am glad you have gotten out.
You said you are nervous about taking to you family about what happened. What sort of reaction do you think they will have? Is there someone you can talk to about what happened before you talk to your parents? Maybe a trusted friend or family member who can support you both before and after talking with your parents? I hope you can also find support here with 1-1 listeners and members of the community who can relate to your experience.
I feel like they will get mad, and be upset, and kind of have a I told you so attitude. I feel like they will judge his race even more etc. I have a few friends I can talk to, but I feel they don’t necessarily understand the problems I have with my family. I just feel like I’m always a disappointment. I’ve always been a coward when it comes to my family. They always tell me what to do, and how I should do things like they have this power over me. I’m suppose to do and say what they ask of me. I’ve thought about going no contact, but that’s a big step. The other day I tried to encourage myself telling myself that there reactions are more about them then me etc. telling myself that they really have no right to get mad when this is my situation etc so that’s somewhat helpful in ways. Im just also not good at confrontation either.
@Mre605 I want to say first that I don't believe that you are stupid or a failure. It is not your fault that the people around you are judgemental. It is definitely not your fault that the relationship became abusive. You are worthy of being loved and respected in your relationships, whether they are romantic or familial, and you deserve to feel comfortable communicating with the people who feel close to you. You do not owe anyone anything. You do not owe your parents any type of explaination, especially if it is making you uncomfortable or fearful. I appreciate that you have shared with us here because I've seen nothing but honest conversations, respect, and compassion from all who are on here 💛 I definitely relate to fearing the reactions of parents. I don't like telling my parents, especially my mom, anything that is a change or uncertain because she gets overly emotional and I don't like that. As for the red flags with a guy, I've been there. I didn't feel like I did anything about it, even though I was processing the red flags as they came up. I'm still dealing with the PTSD from that situation. I know this post was from more than a week ago, but what changes have occurred with your situation since you last posted here? Were you able to explain your situation to your dad? Do/did you feel obligated to explain it to them? You mentioned that you fear that your parents will judge the race of that person even more harshly when they know what happened. If I may ask, do you feel like you are judging the race more harshly? I feel that most of my fears come from my own tendencies, insecurities and biases. This may be due to the fact that my parents' fears have rubbed off on me over the years, so it may still be coming from them. Either way it seems like you are being greatly affected by them.
I had split this reply into sections. I'm not sure where those sections went when I posted it.