I don't feel emotional connection to family?
Long and confusing post ahead:
I feel confused because it seems like everyone else in my life has a strong connection with family. My boyfriend has siblings who basically raised him who he's close with. His mother is very mom-ish, mushy and huggy and and wants all her kids around her all the time no matter what so she can feel helpful and always talks about how important family is (my boyfriend understands it's a bit much). My grandparents on both sides of the family always want all the family together and some get vindictive if they don't all get together for extrenuous reasons, and one of my grandparents is very doting and, well, grandma-ish, to an extreme where it made me so uncomfortable my parents got involved when I was a teen. My friends all seem close with their family and extended family. They hang out with them and say they love them and worry about them when things go wrong and want to spend their lives living near family because I think they genuinely love them.
Yet me, I don't feel any of these things. I don't think I ever really have felt close to family. I grew up an only child with two parents who worked lots and late for a living. I love them very much and they love me too and I relate to them more than the rest of my family, but I wouldn't say my home life was "typical" and that's okay. My parents are happy they raised me self sufficient and so am I, I like the way I am. Mom didn't cook big family dinners or give lots of cuddles, dad didnt teach me to be "manly", we talked as equals typically, and of course with them as parents when it came to discipline which was rare because I was a very good kid. We were very close and had a relationship that was more I guess the word is "cerebral" than emotional. They had more modern ideals and shared family burdens equally while also running a business together. I was fairly self sufficient from a young age since they worked later, and I never liked feeling tied down to obligation other than the work or projects I chose to do.
Family, aside from my parents, just doesn't invoke emotion in me though and I feel like they all think it's awful. Like at all, the only thing I really feel is annoyance and anxiety and wanting the interaction to be over with. I love them, I say I do at least, but I don't feel a deep pull like I do for people like my partner or with friends. We aren't close and don't have similar interests. Mostly it feels like family is a chore forced on me by blood, and they try to get emotional or deep with me and I just shut off because why bother with the burden of others when we aren't close, we aren't on that level. I think emotion has been used in manipulative ways in the past by my family which may be part of it, but overall I just don't feel like I'm someone who wants a family because it's not like I was abused or mistreated, I just don't function that way where I feel guilty not being around family. I get stressed when people assume I want kids, or to be a mom, or that I'm going to "care" for my partner, or that I'm going to stick around and care for my family when they're older and never move away for myself. As a segue, Im moving this summer to another country for school and people keep talking to me like I've killed their puppy. "but why do you want to do this??? Are you ever going to see us again?!?! I don't understand why you couldn't just stay here for school!! Aren't you going to miss your family??" It infuriates me, and I don't know how to tell people like. I don't care. At all. It's not like I saw them much before, anyway. I'll miss my parents at times but they're gonna be fine without me and it's honestly not like I'm leaving forever either, I'll come back for holidays. I don't need family reunions and big get togethers all the time to feel happy and fulfilled. I just want to keep doing my career and to have my partner with me and that's enough for me. I'll make friends along the way who I can choose to be close to. But it feels like no one understands that. I don't know if I'm broken because I never wanted a family or felt close to mine, if it's something I just can't feel or don't care about, or if I'm just tired of people judging me for taking a different path in life than themselves.
@casiopea3199
Hi,
I’m sorry to hear you are struggling to work things out in your head. It’s okay not to be close to our families, I’m not close to mine, we have our differences. Maybe you worry because of the ‘shoulds’ you think about when you think of family. It doesn’t mean you don’t love them, people show love in different ways, you don’t have to be a clingy, huggy person. I wonder if you think of yourself as an introvert or as an extrovert or a bit of both? I know it is easy to shut off, but you aren’t a burden! People care. You don’t have to be abused or mistreated to feel distant from them. People will always make assumptions about people’s lives, sadly. Some may affect us more than others, and this is clearly something that affects you, unfortunately. It must be difficult moving to a different country in any situation, without the guilt of feeling like you have done something awful. It sounds like maybe you feel they only act close when you leave, and that sounds tough. Life moves on, steps open up new possibilities, like you said, you will make new friends, have a great career. I understand that. I know a random person saying that may not feell like much, but I do. ‘broken’ is a word a bit like ‘normal’. Is there really such a thing? We all struggle at some point, about something. Please, be yourself, you are special and perfect just as you are 🥰
Hope I have understood okay :)
Take good care of yourself
Hello,
I just wanted to say you are absolutly not crazy for how you are feeling. I also grew up in a similar situation to you where I never felt connected to my family. You are not alone. Being with your parents should be a fairly enjoyable time and when it's not its unfair to you. And it doesn't help that you are with other friends with their families and seeing how close they are and how well the get alone with one another. The truth is that It can and it will hurt because something feels missing and hurts inside yet you love your family all at the same time. But the truth is that the way you feel is completely valid and you have every right to feel everything you're feeling. I know you will find a group of people who will be that family that you have always have wanted and it will be a joy to someone to be invited by you to join such a lovely family. A family is whatever you choose to make it with whoever you choose to make it with no matter weather they are blood or not. How I like to think of it is that you are the main character of your story and while the past couple chapters where unpleasant you still have the rest of your story to write and it will be beautiful and it will have your very own happy ending. Sending you my love and support.