Is it bad that I ‘hate’ my mother
Please don’t judge because I just need to get this off my chest but I would also love to hear some opinions on what I have to say. I am relatively young, in my 20s and I think I hate my mother. My father was rarely in my life so this revelation feels worse. I believe my mother has npd. I have spend hours reading into it, seeing therapists and trying to learn how to handle it and cope while maintaining a relationship with her. However, I don’t think can do it anymore.
She never accepts blame or responsibility for upsetting and/or hurting me. She belittles me, trivialises my deepest pain, demands I take care of her and my siblings even though no one really cares or takes care of me, she competes with me (calls me fat, tells me time in the gym is pointless, tells me my legs are huge, I’m not as smart as I think and always looks to imitate or better things I achieve). She openly says she doesn’t view me as an adult with views and a separate life to her even though over the years I have sought to calmly explain my annoyances.
Its hard because I feel like I’ve failed, I feel like I should be able to put up with these things. I question my sanity daily going through the question of whether I’m being irrational or emotional or ungrateful that she is my mum. She does this thing of instead of apologising she will fake an illness and tell me I can’t get mad at her because she’s sick. I could go on and on and probably write a book about my life with her. If I refuse to forgive and move on (even though she had never actually apologised to me), she gets her friends to bombard my phone with calls and tell me how ‘i will regret this in the future’.
I’m no angel and I don’t particularly want sympathy, I get angry and yell quiet a bit. I also retort her comments with hurtful things back. But it hit me today that I actually do hate her and don’t want to be around her anymore. Mothers and daughters are meant to be the best of friends but mine doesn’t care about me - who I really am outside of how I serve her. The issue is I move abroad for my masters in October and don’t know what to do in the meantime. I’m tired of constantly being used and pushed around while also being invalidated. It took me to be 21 for someone to say my feelings were valid and matters. I don’t know where to go from here so I just wanted to write this down and maybe hear other people’s views. If I’m missing something or there’s something I could try I would happily hear some advice but God knows I’m lost and tired.
thanks for reading this far!
@pluckyBanana4256
No you are not alone ... i find many fairy tales in what things are suppose to be ...... mothers and daughters are not always friends let alone best friends ....
My mom was the same never took responsibility for the damaging things she said or did ... and found every way possible to turn anything into an insult ....... took me a lot longer then you to see it ......
Found out while she told me i wasted money buying a certain car ........ she turned around and told my sister if she had a bit of sense she should buy the same type cause it was a solid car with good mileage...
found out there were dozens of examples like that where she said nice things behind my back but insults to my face ..........
always spoke to me as if i would not amount to much..... while praising a sister who really did not do a thing........ spoke to my step dad .....after mom was gone ......he told me she was always so jealous that i would surpass her life.
perhaps your mother still feels the same about you.........
Thanks for replying, it means a lot. It’s nice to now that maybe there’s a reason but also it’s not really my fault.
If you don’t mind me asking, how did you cope with it? That level of jealousy and meanness. How did you go about finally deciding to live your life free of her mentally?
You definitly aren't alone in this @pluckyBanana4256! 🙏
I hate my mother sometimes for much more trivial things, although, as for NPD, it comes down to having my needs neglected and not met. Well, NPD is on another level of toxicity that is so so detrimental!
So yes, it is perfectly normal!
In regard of your question, I would definitely invite you to cut off any contact with her and leave your home as soon as possible. Do you think it would be possible for you to find a temporarily work that would allow you to move out and live elsewhere? Or even going at a friend's place?
And, even more important, being able to find a therapist who can help you heal from such toxic family environment?
Thanks for your post. I have been considering moving out but I’m trying to save money and moving out would burn all my savings before I get into a masters plan. So I feel somewhat stuck. I might reach out to a friend but I don’t want to feel like a burden. I have just got off the phone with a therapist so hopefully I can start regular lessons. It’s just I haven’t really ever spoke about my mother before. I felt a lot of guilt and my family has this belief of keeping everything within the family only so it was hard for me to break that cycle.
@pluckyBanana4256
That is, indeed, a very very difficult situation 😔. I am very sorry to hear about your struggles... Life is so unfair, we never chose to be born in such dysfunctional families...
Just a thought, you are leaving in October this year right? So, regarding the option for living at a friend's place, don't you think it can be an advantage, for both of you? Your friend knows that there is an 'end' limit, so you won't 'burden' him/her and the same goes for you?
@pluckyBanana4256
I think when you see them as a damaged person...... you can let go ......
i knew something was off ........when i found out the mixed things being said.... negative to be but positive to others. i kind of figured it out .....
i am sorry she was insecure and she thought damaging my self esteem would keep me close and dependent on her........ but that did work for her with my siblings.
That’s the thing I do know she is damaged and it’s a generational thing but it’s hard. There’s a little bit of me that hopes it will be different, that maybe if I say the right thing she will one day understand. It’s also hard when I do cut her off she rallies all her friends and siblings to hackle me over the phone and bully me into dropping my annoyances. I don’t know I feel really trapped.
@pluckyBanana4256
i have encountered several types of people who have the same almost a bully type behavior and while friends and family try to get you on board to appease her under the idea of peace it is more self preservation IMO. After i cut things off and only dealt with her in a very superficial way ..... but she turned her nasty on my siblings when they called wanting a sympathetic ear ..... i could not help as they chose not to help me when i was on the target.
I too tried to say the right thing or find some common ground but it was never enough.
It's perfectly natural to be able to both love and hate someone. It sounds as if you've gone through a huge amount and that always makes us look at our emotions as if they don't make sense, if you're moving abroad for your masters (congratulations by the way) you may find that the time away and distraction helps you to view this differently upon your return in X amount of years. Only you can decide how you truly feel and that will come with time so, take that time, focus on your studies and other aspects of your life which will be exciting and revisit this when you're ready to do so.
Do you have money saved?
She sounds awful, honestly. If I were you I would go have some fun somewhere else, maybe take a chilled out summer job somewhere before moving abroad for your Masters
I'm not telling you to cut all contact with her but you hate her and that's not your fault from what you have told us here so I don't see the point of sticking around. She sounds ultra manipulative and you would be better off without her, for the foreseeable future at least
I do have money saved and work two jobs but saving for abroad is taking up a lot of my money. So I feel somewhat stuck. I know in the future (or rather hope) I can cut her off and enjoy my life but for now it’s not really an option , to move out!
@pluckyBanana4256
Its ok to hate your mom even when you still love her. I have no contact with my mom any more - it took me 50 years to see how manipulative she is and I needed to avoid her drama so I moved away. I got a counselor who helped me see the inner workings of a narcissist and she stands by my choice to have zero contact with dear old mom.
You know its time to move onward and upwards!!
Blessings, Day
@pluckyBanana4256 i am here if you want to talk more privately because i have been where you are only with my dad. Feel free to message me
@pluckyBanana4256 hey ! I swear I can relate so much with this ive been skinny my whole life like and mom has beaten me has verbally hurt me so many times and Im not living with my parents anymore although im under their support,it does feel nice to be like this. I hate it when people say theyre ur parents theyll always do good for you but no they just dump from their pov and it isnt always good the amount does not matter what they do matters and it is absolutely fine feeling like that and Im sure you wouldve tried everything to make them understand but its fine youve got your own life now just live it ,include them but dont take their words or opinions to your heart , thats how it works it just goes on you cant really change them
Hey @Starlughtdreamer thanks for your message. I think that’s what I’m coming to terms with, the fact that she will never change. But it’s so intense and terrible at times that for the first time in my life I don’t really have the energy to continue. And yes I’m surrounded by so much of ‘mother is precious and deserves the world’ … I even get told that she should reap the benefits from me for giving birth to me, my family describe it as taking an exam and getting a good mark - she gave birth to me so I owe her. It’s hard I guess!!
@pluckyBanana4256
Hate is a strong and powerful emotion. It consumes intense amounts of energy. It is understandable that you feel exhausted emotionally, mentally and perhaps physically too.
You have spent much time and effort to inform yourself enough to decide her behaviour is unacceptable. She triangulates friends or siblings to emotionally blackmail you into giving in. You might need to consider firm boundaries with them as well in regards to speaking to you about any issues connected to your mother.
You deserve to be treated with Respect. We have an excellent self help guide which might help in setting and maintaining healthy boundaries with the people you'd like to remain connected with - https://www.7cups.com/boundaries/
In regards to getting through the next few months until you get some physical distance/space between yourself and her, it can greatly help your energy levels to learn about your energy recharge points. It is a difficult concept to articulate in words but I'll try to explain it briefly here for you.
We each have different events, moments, people, things, that drain our energy; and others that recharge us, leave us feeling a lot better and more active after, than before. A simple way to know your own energy responses to your normal routine would be to have a journal where you log your normal activities, people you met, interactions, exercise, food, water, etc and the corresponding energy change (depleted or activated). Within a week or two you'd know yourself how you can best increase the positive energy quotient. It isn't a simple maths though, because some events (like an argument) can quickly drain massive amounts of energy suddenly. So in those situations, you can make the choice to deny that activity your energy and see if it makes your day better. Other people's opinions often do not matter, especially when confronting that opinion costs you your own energy.
I hope your journey forward is eased and you find much peace and happiness.